Can you feel all the suffering, can you see it?
Stop embracing the hate of your own humanity, just quit it
Why all the hypocrisy?
Challenge your democracy

Aim for enlightenment
Fight against all ill torment
Oppression, alienation, inequality
The government's manipulative utilities

Explore your human aptitude
Your mind and your magnitude
Because passion is power and
You can make all evil cower

Work to open your third eye
Don't cry or comply, but rather ask "why?"
Empathy and compassion are most important
Without them, moral principles remain impotent

Our world is nothing compared to the entire universe
We are so small, egoistic, and it's getting worse
Focused on all of the wrongs ideals
Creating terrible and false ordeals

Our world is cruel and mean
Too many people die hungry
There's no such thing as equality or true justice
It does not exist in this realm of consciousness

If only we could shift the system and our ways
Then things would continue to fall into place
But change is virtually unachievable
Especially when entities with just intents are inconceivable

Human beings are clueless, trapped in a trance
Don't let yourself fall victim to your ignorance
You need to expand your knowledge and your perspective
Aim to be more pensive and introspective

Challenge absolutely everything you are told
Form your own beliefs, don't let your mind be controlled
Remove yourself from conformity and complacency
And you'll realize a multitude of problems, that I guarantee

You can't trust anything

Hear what I'm saying 

No you cant trust anything

Believing is damaging

Creating is everything, it's promising
Stop adhering to societal norms

Why do you conform

To all that

The government tells us

All that society spells for us
Why don't you realize

Wake up from all the lies

The world is an intricate place, that you can't replace

But you can change your ways and your pace

Create some displacement in the system
Stand up your rights

And what you believe in

Be genuine

Imagine

Not one person, thing, or system

Can tell us, control us, conform us

With enough minds open and motivated
We can help those oppressed and alienated
We can change this race for the better
Let's all work to be that kind of trendsetter
Come on, let's start a movement
So we can see some real improvement
In our world, our ways, and our wisdom
But most importantly in the system

There is a longing you feel
To know the whole universe
All of its secrets
All of its flaws
Everything
You think about it and wonder if it feels light or heavy
Or maybe even a paradoxical combination of both
But you will never know
Because you do not realize that you are the entire universe
You are all of its flaws
All of its beauties
All of its secrets, all of its wisdom
You are everything and everything is you
You are forever
And you need to be loved
Just as everything and everyone else needs love to survive

Look at the clouds above your home
Notice the way water forms differently on every single surface
Muster every single detail
Increase your awareness
And you will soon discover the secrets of the universe
And if you are feeling sad and quiet turn to your soul and acknowledge your humanness
Love your human nature
Realize it is precious and valuable
You do this and you will feel the soft and kind hand of the universe on your shoulder
You will feel its presence within you
And you'll look down at yourself laying and feeling hurt and hopeless
Slowly holding on to old feelings and new times
You will realize it is time to leave
So you go and you write as you feel that familiar ache all over your body
Resonating from deep within every single corner of your heart and soul

You glance outside of your window and see the green of the trees and revel in their magnificence and beauty
And in that moment you realize how immaculate existence is
So you take a deep breath as you take it all in
Your thoughts are very much alive and pulsating
And your arms tingle and your soul emits strong and powerful waves of unadulterated passion from within
Joy waits at your fingertips as you reach softly
You constantly taste past times of pain and hurt on your tongue
Violently brushing your teeth every night in hopes it will go away
But it is always there and may go away at times but it always comes back
A constant reminder of who you are and what you have come from

Sometimes when you walk your feet feel old and you think about how you haven't even lived an entire lifetime yet so how on earth can you feel so tired?
You wonder when you will actually stop waiting
When a strong ocean wind will knock you over
Cold and hard
And you'll gaze ahead of you with bleary eyes
Your head still in a state of shock
And you'll come closer and closer to the reason that was dug out from the deepest part of your insides
Until everything feels soft and you can stand again
And you'll look to the sky and forget all of the pain
And a small touch of hope will be born upon a tiny spot on the surface of your heart
Beating hard and lovely and powerful

You think of the rain and how it falls completely
You think about how you exist and how it is okay there is no more innocence and just as much loneliness
You realize you've got to keep your dreams alive
You are thinking quietly
Your thoughts are kissing the walls of your mind carefully
"Oh, how beautiful it is to be alive and aware!"
You say in your head
And you wish to meet your perfect heart in the stars
And feel all of the care and warmth as certain waves of truth and ardor crash into you
A tree of sure sadness looks down upon you
Saying you are clean and new and beautiful
And that
It is okay if you do not spend the majority of your days feeling sad and lost and lonely
Until a quiet reverie born from stardust clouds your mind
You feel the secret tingling on the outer parts of your mouth
And things are better and you feel closer
You are no longer searching
And words have always been a dear friend
You are able to realize that now
You used to be broken
For a long, long time
So of course it is going to be extremely difficult getting used to life without being broken beyond repair
A part of you will always be broken
You know that and you are okay with it
Finally you embrace it
There is an ease and comfort with the going of sorrow
And you wonder
How it can feel so wonderful when your bones are free and you feel happy in the deepest part of you
Because really, what are you doing?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING???
You are living and that is all
You are embracing life and all that you feel and it is okay and when it comes down to it, you really do love it
But sometimes your mind refuses to hear that
It shuts itself off from everything and all you can do is guess for why it happens like this
So you take those two horrid
But so essential
White pills
And you sleep and sleep
Never awakening until your alarm sounds
And your lids open
And your lips bring in fresh air to your lungs
Your mind and your heart are engulfed in peace and never are they apart
Together they are one with your soul
The sunlight starts to kiss your face and you start to think about the years you have been living
And how the voice inside of you has changed over those years and the ways it has touched your life

So here you are listening to music
Lonely and sweet
With a strange feeling in your chest as your stomach rests lightly on the surface of your bed
Barely moving, your hand somehow knows how to write without your mind really thinking
You have always held your pen tightly and a lot of great and loving and bright words are capable of surfacing
Maybe differently than before
But even so
Your veins still continuously pump blood throughout your body

You get up out of bed and stagger into your bathroom where you stare into the mirror and know you are supposed to see yourself staring right back but really
You see nothing
All the while knowing your face is sober looking
And your skin is browned and soothing with the beauty of summer's presence hard and golden on your surface
Feeling crazy, your eyes are locked to a spot consisting of nothingness
Void of any control
In a realm that is almost reaching fantasy
Tingling and alluring
So you look for the window
But then it is gone and you feel an aching that gets stronger as the walls close in on you
And you notice the kisses full of blood that set the earth on fire
And you breathe with fear as death sits on your windowsill
Should you reach for it or push it away?
To die or to help this weak and troublesome girl who is far too used to living in darkness and not only asks for but needs trust?

The leaves on the trees don't stay dead forever
Open your mind and your heart and drift away
Far, far away
Your soul lives and exists in every realm of consciousness
You are safe
Even as your secrets build like smoke
Like wandering rays beating down strong upon you
Conquering your emptiness instead of all of the happy thoughts that reside and are inevitably known and lovely and consisting of everything except for unwanted goodbyes
Your heart shines on what it needs
Easy and lovely
And mostly, it has it
Your heart is the sun that shines on his face and makes his own heart race in perfect synchronization with yours
He is something you take like black coffee or straight whiskey because it needs nothing more than what it is
Everything it is
Is enough and beautiful and enticing because of that
But their strength is the most admirable
The sunshine gets stronger throughout the day just as one gets stronger throughout their own life
Accumulating more and more understanding as certain parts are more inviting than others
And still, others escape stability and their reflections whisper on your flesh and send a sense of desire across your cheeks until they reach the middle of your being and are forgotten

You have come close to death many times before
But now it is distant
So you close your eyes as you lie on the itchy, flat floor of your room
And imagine all of those and all of which you have met in the darkness
Staring very surely at nothing in particular
The sound of your heartbeat grows quiet
Changing the bad into nothing but tugging memories
Making you leave true despair behind as you not only grasp, but accept, the endless tears on the sand

Your mind is wandering
Walking to places both near and far
Trying to piece together the point and meaning of past lovers
But that doesn't really matter because nature fully forces you to not only imagine
But realize
The beauty and point of the present that is filled with growing wisdom
So you sit with your back against the wall
And your stomach burns with purpose slightly surrounding nature and the moonlight
And bliss surfaces like cigarette smoke floating then disappearing but still always present in the air around you
And you understand the ruined and intense thoughts of your past and the blessings they have brought
And the pressure you feel on your heart as you admire the luster of the sun on the metal of the railings
And the branches laying in rest
Void of hurt
But listening to conversations harder and more difficult with time
Solid
But struggling entirely with magnitude
Lifeless beings in a sense
But the raindrops make their hearts ache
Beaming ultimately away from conformity until they become another entity compiled of lust and beauty
And as you walk
The grass is loud and green as the dead branches lie hot and broken in the caress of the ground
Void of hate
As you watch the darkness pull them in and swallow them whole
Wanted completely
Written on your flesh with self supposed anxiety
Your kisses are longer and drown in a sea of meaning as you pray with clenched teeth
You feel on your arm a peculiar force and questions, smooth but loud, utter desperately within you as
Heavy but gentle hope swirls like incense around your nose until your spirit is calm and pain is hidden
And you find yourself to be trapped in nothing less than gold and passion
And that is when things were easy again

When I was young I used to think that being an adult meant not having a bed time but I've come to realize that it means being in charge of my own bed time
And it also turns out that doesn't even scratch the surface of what being an adult really means

Being an adult means taking your medication every evening so you don't spiral in and out of depression and sever all stability you worked so long and diligently to obtain
It means drinking a bottle of wine and writing poetry by yourself on a Wednesday night just because it feels nice
It means breaking loose a little and nights out with your friends drinking and having fun, pretending you're still seventeen with no care in the world
It means being completely and utterly vulnerable and throwing yourself out into the world saying, "This is who I am, love me or leave me, but PLEASE just take me as I am!"
It means giving everything and everyone a chance
It means being so **** broke but still feeling accomplished because there is something so wonderful but so terrifying about freedom
It means frantically trying to figure out how you are going to pay your bills
It means working extra hours at work regardless of any leftover time or energy you might have
It means doing everything in your will to preserve that once constant and forever thriving creativity and innocence you had so much of as a child
It means trying to balance out being both ordinary and exceptional
It means realizing you can't escape participating in things you don't necessarily agree with, like paying taxes and getting up and going to that job every morning that you pretend to love
It means being self-sufficient and responsible, even if you don't feel fit to do so
It means telling your family you love them every single chance you get because you now realize how profound your love is for them and how much they truly mean to you
It means recognizing how important and wonderful your parents are, how much they really know, regardless of what you used to think when you were 16 or 17
It means acknowledging the fact that people will disappoint you but you simply can't blame someone for merely being human
But most importantly, it means realizing your own true beauty and purpose

For the first time in my entire life I can look in the mirror and see my body, my skin, my bones, as something charming and beautiful
I've never had a problem finding beauty elsewhere, whether it was in the world, in some small thing, or in someone else, but I could never seem to find it in myself
Until now
I love myself, my body, my mind
I see beauty in my being
I am able to find true beauty within
I look in the mirror and can wonder what my childhood self would think about me now
Is this what I imagined being an adult would look like?
But that doesn't matter because I love who I am now
Sure, I have my vices
And there is always something that I could be working on
But I am finally at home in my body
And it might have taken me 19 years to get here
But I am so happy

I fell in love with every single morning
How you rolled out of bed after you shut your alarm off for the sixth time
How your eyes and voice revealed exhaustion but also so much love
The way your hands would grasp each side of my face
While your lips would steal the endings of my sentences
And a smile would form on my face effortlessly
Every single day with you felt like a week of saturday mornings
With clean bed sheets and lazy smiles

Every single morning
I would fall in love with the way you would drink your coffee
And smoke your cigarette
And even how you would stand in the doorway of your closest

Somewhere between falling in love with our midnight conversations
That were exhaled through cigarette puffs
And interrupted by loving embraces
As I would secretly read the love notes
You would write on my flesh every chance you got
I realized I was in love with the presence of your words
And the feeling of your existence
Especially when your arms were wrapped tightly around my diffident body

But I do not think I was ever in love with you

My irises are a force of continuum
Pulling you closer and closer
Until you're drunk off my mesmerization
Like a love spell, but it's real

Just like love, just like how you know life
With your heart beating and your eyes big with wonder and awe
You want to feel each day slip away as you long to get closer to death
For death seems to be the only logical escape
The way you view the world, there is too much evil, too many horrible things going on
Not enough goodness, no justice
You long to possess the right to inform people about how mankind has managed to lose its soul and fervor to pain, hurt, evil
Evolving in all of the wrongs ways, developing all the wrong ideals
You try to say the words right, try to make them coherent
And at night you think and think
And in your mind, things look so little but so unattainable

You are a spirit of light
Your left hand longs to be held by another's right hand
Your face longs to be caressed, to be admired and remembered
You need some reason to keep on living
For on your own, you are just waiting for death to sweep you off your feet and take you away
It is the only thing that seems to feel right
The only thing that really makes sense to you

You choose to remain in your thoughts and in your head
For it is a good place to be
You can smile a new smile, take your hands and dig them deep within the sun and the moon
You can hold the universe and maybe even restore the hope that was once present and flourishing within you
But once you must leave your mind and your dreams and your thoughts
You slowly and begrudgingly come back to reality and your stomach falls to your feet as you hear the pangs of the outside world coming back alive inside of you
You ponder the concept of the word "home" and remember an old body that you used to seek safety in
Cold and dark tears contemplate falling and you wish to live in the sky, gone from the world, slipping away in your dreams, leaving behind the dreadful drone of your own existence
You ache to be left alone in your thoughts
Your mind travels back to the days that once consisted of innocence and simplicity
So alluring and true
Tangible
Withholding pure and utter bliss
Now, so unattainable and distant
Forever gone

You try to stop your mind from traveling further but you think about the person you used to be, the girl you once knew
Her lips are now forever gasping for more and more air and the feeling of fear is hard and sharp in her heart that is broken beyond repair
You long for better days, for better things to come to you
But there is something dark and black that rests deep within you and you cannot live a moment without noticing its lurking presence
You long to be free of it
But death is so far away and sleep is only temporary
Your eyes are open but there's a path behind them compiled of pasts years that you continuously walk day after day after day
And they don't taste sweet and your breath is trapped within you, making it seem as if blood tastes better than this
And once again, death and truth seem attainable but so very, very out of reach

The weather is gloomy and rain is falling from the clouds above
You stand and let the rain kiss every inch of your warm and tingling flesh and you feel happy as you turn with the wind and taste the raindrops on your lips
Your heart is red with fire and warmth, beating graciously as you believe each and every raindrop is a healing kiss to your troubled and aching soul
Times of hate and despair trickle down your body with the rain and you feel both dead and alive all at once, waiting for something other than hurt and emptiness to be your dearest friend, waiting for the loneliness that swims through your veins to go looking for someone else to invade with its poisonous ways
The rain is trying to help but the loneliness was there before the rain ever existed and it cannot die inside of you
For it is very much alive as it stands in the room behind your ribcage, holding out its arms, loudening its voice today and every day, this morning and every morning, until it is eventually noticed tonight and every night
With its feet imbedded to the floor of your body and your bones, forever attempting to taint the beauty of your soul
You try to forget, but instead you understand
You lay in bed and it all feels so real as you look desperately to the stars
The same stars you have been looking to and wishing on ever since you were a small child
And you recall the first time you ever saw a star, still so full of innocence and ambition and wonder
But innocence isn't a permanent friend like loneliness which lies at the door to your heart
Innocence is forced to change its shape until it disintegrates all together
Just as you have sat and watched the stars for all these years, you sat and watched your innocence slowly fade away with age and the progression of life and time
Then comes the wonder of the beloved memories when you still possessed that innocence and its hurts and everything seems lonely once more
So you write as you look to the moon and the earth and the song they sing each night
And even though you have grown accustomed to the darkness
You are sure it was once was something that took too frequently and took too soon until it became a friend instead of an enemy
Because what other choice did you have other than to form an alliance with it?
And soon enough the words flowed from your fingers and nothing mattered as long as you could write and feel something, whether it was the pain from under a razor blade or the earth beneath your feet or the taste of wine on your tongue
It was still something

Oh little miss silence, the quiet and unnoticed observer
Seen by no one, your head high in the clouds as you continuously demand the reason for why you are living
You lay and wait for the great and warm sea to scoop you up and break you apart until you are nothing but particles floating about, forming other unknown entities
But people lie and we are all terrible human beings
Spiteful and cold
Critical
Deceiving
Although you have always felt different from the rest, small and everything less than perfect
Always thinking thoroughly, slowly, deeply
Always acting as a caretaker to others and their wants, and needs, and feelings
You discovered at a very young age that helping others makes your heart dance and that fighting for those who are in need is of utmost importance
You always speak so softly because your efforts are never enough to change anyone or anything
You are kind when others are mean, strong when others are weak
Every single night you lay your head down to sleep and pray and pray for better things and better people to reign, just as you did every single night as a child
But things get harder as youth diminishes
And once it finally leaves, you find that you are the person you'd never thought you'd become
And knowing that is extremely painful
It is a constant, stabbing feeling

You look for peace, talk of it, listen for it
Longing to make your insides bright again
Searching for a reason to keep on living
But your mouth is locked shut and you hide with the trees and hold dear true laughter and listen to the music in everything as you see reality through one set of eyes, and the world within your mind, through another
You feel sorry as you look for some person or some place to build a home
And you long to grow with the trees that will rest beside it and to float with the clouds that will rest above it
A world to live and breathe comfortably in is all that you long for
But you are living in hell as this world is the farthest thing from comfortable
You lay beneath the sky and ache and ache as you listen to the voices that sing above you
And you feel apart from everything and the sad feelings surface once more and you try and try to escape but instead more things wake inside of you and walls build up and around you until your story is just another poem you will write in the future

You watch the tree from your window and try to remember what you felt like before you lost everything

Being told you are beautiful
Is one thing
But being told you are beautiful
And believing it
Is another

I have been called beautiful
More times than there are freckles on my face
(And that is a lot)
But not until recent
Did I ever believe it

Usually I would brush it off
And see it as an empty compliment
Or a conversation filler
Or a device used for personal gain
Any time someone would tell me I was beautiful
I wouldn't believe it
Not even a little bit
And that's the way it was for a very long time

I was too used to people leaving
Especially after I let them get close to me
And touch me
I was too used to being let down
I couldn't trust anyone but myself
And I didn't think I was beautiful
With or without anyone's truthful or deceiving opinion
I truly thought I was the farthest from beautiful

Usually when people would give me such a compliment
I would say
"No, I'm not
And you don't mean that"
Most didn't bother to argue
So I never once believed it
Until I heard you say it

At first I tried to do what I always did
But you wouldn't take no for an answer

I'm not sure if it's the way you say it
Or how many times a day you say it
Or just the fact that I trust you enough
But I really do believe you
When you tell me I'm beautiful
Hearing the words, "You are so beautiful, Evynne"
And feeling the honesty and passion pierce my heart
Is something I have never experienced before

I may not think I am as beautiful as you like to tell me I am
But at least I believe it
And when I say I believe it
I do not mean I agree
But rather, you tell me I am beautiful
And I think to myself, "You really do make me feel beautiful"
Regardless of any prior opinions I held of myself

Now that is a very powerful thing

I was three years old and found the world to be oddly peculiar
Everything was infinite
Kisses were for showing someone you loved them
I found myself at my great grandfather's funeral and wasn't able to grasp the concept of death
And that really bothered me
It tugged at me, begging to be understood

I was five years old and mourning my grandfather's sudden and unexpected death
The world was still oddly peculiar
Things were still infinite
But I was ashamed of my grief-stricken tears
Kisses weren't poisonous yet
But I now understood how fast things could come to an end
And I felt the truth behind that inside of my heart
It had sharp edges and it never went away

I was six years old and missing my father's presence in my life
I taught myself to ride a bike while he sat in his office with the door shut as he always did
Everything remained infinite but loss was prevalent
And I missed something that wasn't there
Kisses didn't come quite as often
And I now noticed my thirst for approval and my need for affection
For I was lacking in both

I was eight years old and contemplating the world on a very profound level
Asking questions that I still ask myself to this very day
Kisses were now flagrant and everything was still somewhat infinite
But my shoulders already felt heavy with burden
Loneliness was starting to learn my name
And loss was still prevalent

I was twelve and thinking up stories as I would lie awake in bed at night
Searching for sleep
Things weren't quite so infinite anymore but at least I still had my innocence
Kisses were suspicious and sleep didn't come as easily as it used to
I was quiet but very observant, still profoundly contemplating the world and the entire universe in relation to my own existence

I was fifteen and trying to forget it happened
Kisses were longing and I was completely lacking in love
Things were no longer infinite and loneliness finally took me under its wing
It nurtured me slowly but surely
Forming sadness around my bones and a strong fortress around my heart

I was sixteen and infatuated with the idea of being out of control
My heart was bruised and beat up but the farthest from vulnerable
I felt alive again
But even so, nothing was infinite
And loneliness was now my dearest friend
Kisses were electric
I still possessed a small bit of my innocence
But I struggled internally
And the sadness would soon completely envelop me

I was seventeen and drowning in my loneliness
Choking on it every single morning
And shoving it down my throat every single night
Sadness was an inevitable constant
I knew it intimately
Sleep rarely came to me and things were tough
Life was difficult
Living was hard for me
Nothing was infinite anymore and kisses will always be dangerous but fleeting

I was seventeen and mourning the sudden and unexpected death of a dear friend
I was seventeen and grieving my grandfather's cruel and lengthy defeat to cancer
I was lost and depressed and I wanted to die
Young and reckless but hurting
And so very, very lonely
Still lacking in both love and affection

I was eighteen and hiding the fresh scars on the insides of my arms and the upper parts of my thighs
I felt hopeless and was consumed with guilt and self-hatred
I thirsted for an answer
An answer to why things were like this
Why I was the way I was
I could see no point in living
I was hanging on by a single thread
The taste of wine was prevalent on my tongue as I tirelessly looked for love in all of the wrong places
Losing myself completely along the way
I was empty and entirely consumed by my loneliness
It now held a dark shroud over my heart
With deception lurking in its paths

I was eighteen and ready to give up when I found myself in a big, leather chair in a psychiatrist's office
I was against the idea of medication
All I wanted was an answer
And it was when I finally got that answer that things started feeling a little better
At least I knew

I was eighteen and embracing my deepest, darkest secret with grace
Devoting my efforts entirely to getting better
Gaining stability again
I made several lifestyle changes
All the while, still asking…
Why me? Why should anyone have to live with this?
But my hard work paid off and I slowly became the very best me I could be
I was stable, I was disciplined

I am now nineteen and nothing will ever be infinite anymore
But the small tastes that I get to have of my now devoid innocence makes that all bearable
Kisses are frequent and I am overflowing with love
My loneliness is no longer noticeable and when it comes down to it, I can say things are so good
And mean it wholeheartedly

For the very first time in my life
*I am whole

After I met you
I discovered how dangerous of a thing
Eye contact is
Frighteningly dangerous
But lovely
So *very, very lovely

I put my retainer in; only hoping it would straighten things out. Good luck, love. You're too complicated to be set straight. You're not concrete. You're distant. You live your life like you have headphones in, watching everything without the proper sounds; you listen with your own soundtrack. This fake silence speaks to you. It's your only safety net. It's the only way you feel truly alive and normal. Although you try and avoid normalcy as much as it's humanly possible… Although I find it quite ironic that I used the word "Humanly" because you don't strike me as human at all. You're not like other people.

You actually believe that you need others more than they need you. You search for affection, for stability, for acceptance. You're just a shell of the girl you used to be; troubled and messed up and lost in this sadistic world. You don't know what to do with yourself. What is there even to do with a girl like you? Do you know that you block people off? You don't tell anyone anything sweetie. You just keep to yourself, hide everything away in a little box in that extravagant but strangely complicated mind of yours. No wonder you thirst for affection so much, no wonder you don't have any.

But what I don't get is that you sit there and think about how much you want to talk to people and speak your mind but you don't. You're too afraid of being scrutinized even more than you already are. Because you can't take that you're even stereotyped and scrutinized in the first place. You can't stand that. So you believe it's better to be miserable in your own mind rather than publicizing it all over the place. You'd rather keep it to yourself and wear a mask that says, "There's nothing wrong with me, I have every reason to be happy, and I'm just tired." When the truth is, you believe you have no reason to be happy, there's too much wrong with you to even try to deal with and fix, and you're more than tired, you're exhausted.

"Why is life like this?" You ask yourself over and over again. Always searching and searching for answers but only finding more and more questions. You're always left unanswered; you feel worthless, forgotten. You believe that you're just in everyone's way, that everyone would be better off if you just didn't exist. And you constantly find yourself wishing something horrible would happen to you just so you can have a reasonable and legitimate excuse to be so depressed. So you wouldn't have to wear that **** mask of yours anymore. If people only knew.  

But because of who you are, you push people away. And you allow them to get to you and hurt you. But do you realize that it is your fault for all of this? It's always your fault. You're unstable and prone to trouble and terribly unlucky. You're not fixable; you're just not good enough.

People don't realize the type of person you are. You come off as ungrateful and spoiled and angry and so many things that you're not. You just cover everything up with these negative behaviors and emotions. Which makes no sense, but I know you can't help it. Your eyes don't need all the sadness they have seen. You are a good person; at least you try to be. You're humble and understanding. You feel so much for others and you have the ability to understand them so well. You do things for others that you know they would never do for you. You find yourself criticizing only you, judging no one but yourself.

But your own expectations for yourself are impossible to live up to and you don't realize that. You don't believe in yourself... it's a wonder you have the capacity to believe in others. But it doesn't surprise me that you find it so hard to let yourself fully love other people. You don't love yourself. That's your issue. You can show love for others and be loving towards them but you can never get to the point where you can fully love someone. And you wonder why. It's because you don't love yourself. You like to convince yourself that if you write and think beautiful thoughts than everyone will love you. Too bad no one knows you write and think. And too bad you don't think any of it is beautiful either.

You're just paranoid. You have this weird fear of growing old. You're not afraid to die, you're afraid to grow old. Lose your most prized possession-your mind. Maybe that's why you're so reckless and don't care about anything you do or anything anyone else does. You might as well die young rather than waste the rest of your life being miserable and unhappy. I mean life just gets boring after you're forced to grow up. You lose your freedom.

But don't ask me, I don't know anything.

I look up at the sky and it feels like love
And in my mind words echo and poems form
I look at something and the first thing I see is beauty
An undying, pleasing combination of qualities that provides a perceptual experience of admiration
An entity which is inherently valued and adored
I find beauty everywhere
Inside of my eyes
My heart
My body
My head
The entire world surrounding me
I see it in everything
Beautiful things, beautiful people, beautiful creatures, beautiful places, beautiful objects, beautiful ideas, beautiful sounds
There is beauty in everything

I am in love with the moon and the sky
The way the sun shines through the trees and paints pictures on the ground below
The clouds and how they decorate the blue around them, accentuating its tugging beauty
How the birds sing songs for the flowers
The way the trees loom over everything and provide shelter and comfort for the smallest creature or an amiable passerby
I am in love with how the brook babbles
How the wind whispers secrets to the meadows
I am in love with every form of beauty
And if there is beauty in every single thing
I suppose you could say I am in love with all that there is

The life and beauty around me are sometimes so breathtaking I don't know what else to do rather than just revel in it

Staring blankly out the window
Lost in contemplation
And observation
Sipping casually through a plastic straw
Completely immersed in my racing thoughts
And the shuffling of feet
And the way the shadows lay harshly on the grass and cement in the sun

Halfway over
Mid-day
Reflections
Blue silhouettes
Reaching limbs
The hum of existence

A boy riding his bicycle
A girl walking along the path
I am not here
No one sees me
Existence is plaguing

Where are the clouds?
A breeze kissing my face softly
Touching my hair longingly
I see everything and everyone around me
But they do not see me
I blend in so naturally

a love like the way the ocean feels
a heart like that day you treasure with every bit of your beating heart
a face that makes you want to kiss every single freckle
a body warm like the sand under the rays of the beating sun
arms like the ocean’s waves, strong and inviting
a home like the way your bed feels in the morning

the pain that is left inside each cigarette she smokes
eyes that stare off and reveal her deep-seated loneliness
the cold and stale secrets she releases as she blows smoke out of her mouth and then inhales it back into her nose

never fully loved, she aches when she is touched
you think of all of the secrets that rest inside of her
she needs time with her hands so she can do all of the things that keep her youth

dealing with another’s touch is more of a blessing to her than it is a curse
her long and waving brown and reddish hair emits a warmth and shines bright in the light
every day she prays someone might remember her existence
forced with a beauty and flesh that is seen easier by others is difficult for her to accept and become accustomed to
the deep luster that sparkles in her perfect eyes that turn green in the sun

her head laying lightly on her pillow, she is broken and things are hard for her
she tastes times of despair in her mouth as she searches for her quiet voice
you notice how beautiful she really is not only on the outside, but more so on the inside which makes you consider falling for the gold rings wrapped tightly around her piercing pupils
but you know she won’t let you in
her eyes when she smiles remind you of a warm cup of coffee first thing in the morning
her lips are a curse in the darkest comfort of life and look as if they taste like bliss

but she doesn’t how how to picture forever and all you want to do is hold her hand as the two of you get lost in some form of nature
you feel weak as you think of her mind and all of the ideas that stay hidden in its deepest parts
you think of all of the people she has exhaled and all of the promises that endlessly resemble relentless stolen time and all of her inviting smiles that are ultimately never-ending
you can tell how beat-up but peaceful her heart is as she reaches out to no avail
you want to give her gifts and take photos of her face in frustration as her mind jumps in every single direction
you want to swear to her that you will provide endless embraces and chase her alluring irises with kisses
you want to promise her mornings of early alarms and warm company

you start to think of the sunshine that is instantly ruined with the apparent glints and bent pleasure of her daringly beautiful crescent-shaped smile
you see her as a drain, rare and spiraling, with acidic-like thoughts and emotions that disappear with the presence of a healing and loving touch
the extreme to which her deadly looks are stronger and more alluring than any flower and any paradise

you imagine her self-portrait and what she looked like with the pressure on her shoulders as she dug deep down and forced herself to acknowledge her looks and her charm
you wonder how she deals with being so tense as she tirelessly searches for reason and understanding

the stronger she puffs her cigarette the more desired are the intervals between each breath as she tries to find the right sentences and forget about how unbearable everything is
she is quiet and her face emits freckles that pop out at you as you gaze in awe at her beauty
she sits and thinks of the six prior people that have threatened her strength and ultimately left her heart broken and aching
there are newborn, salty tears that radiate on her cheeks as she mutters something under her breath in the doorway, she dreams of another dimension

her insides are constantly churning and you ache to know her habits and you ache to know how her molars taste with your tongue inside of her mouth
she is quite the commodity and you desperately want to blurt out everything to her
but her trust has been demolished and her heart has been metamorphosed and she wouldn’t know what to do as she would emptily reply “i am so sorry.”

you think of her as an enchantment and how she is really an inconvenience to your peace of mind
you rant on and on about all of the feelings that reside, and are upheld, secretly in the plethora of your thoughts that are diffident of being spoken aloud
her lifestyle baffles you as you try to contain your amazement and admiration of how disciplined she really is
and your heart aches and you feel worthless as you look in the mirror and stare at your eyes that faintly reveal exhaustion, appearing to be both passionately and tirelessly struggling to find some form of sanity residing deep within you

it is getting harder as she is loyal to what she needs out of life and what she needs out of other people
and it hurts as you think of all of the remaining endings for this eighteen year old ocean of beauty and difficulty and all of the interrupted conversations and the tingling sensation that a saturday morning brings
she is alluring as her body defines the sun’s rotting reflections that pry at her insides and the canals of her heart, possessing a revealed and evicted magnitude that could keep you in raw amazement for days
the thought of her lips, always faintly quivering, is like a weapon, as you watch her wandering about, never changing the perplexed look that rests perfectly on her face
you want to run up to her and beg her to stay
but the thought of the stress it would cause keeps you away
you try to delete her from your thoughts but that is starting to seem more and more pointless

you notice she has fallen and all of the feelings and words swell up inside of you and the thought of holding her hand causes you to run to her
but the world is mean and your teeth shatter under the pressure as you try to imagine the years you have spent without her
your heart emits a familiar warning and the sun seems dead and older and the tears start to form

you finally muster up enough courage to wrap your arms around her as you resist the urge to kiss her nose
you can feel how lonely she is and you hope to god you will be able to accept that later
you grasp her tighter as you listen to the despair that flows from the tips of her fingers that burn when she writes
her skin is smooth and her entire body is light with love but heavy with the vast amounts of pain and years of hurt that are imbedded into her skin and into her bones

you imagine her as the sea, apart from everything, but one with it at the same time
she is friendly, even as she remembers the forgotten hours of anger that used to torment her
you caress her soft cheeks and softly tell her to shut off the bad thoughts and forget those who have left her
you turn to reach into your pocket and you catch a glimpse of the moon
you feel your stomach fall as it reminds you of her; sometimes lost, part of her always hidden away, but full of strength and light and beauty
you had forgotten how much it resembles her until you look at both of them in the presence of the other

you look back down at her and notice how her lips long to be kissed and then comes the poem you will write in order to remind you of this night
you feel as though you are in the middle of a war and that you really need to sleep and everything around you is abnormally quiet, like there are blockades of passion built up and around you
you stand there, trying to look alive and say, with every piece of strength you contain, “i love you,” softly but assuredly

she looks at you like you are human and then she looks at the surrounding landscape and takes what seems to be a week, to say, “but why?”
you wrap your hand tightly around her palm and try to explain but your voice shakes and cracks and you can’t seem to find the words when suddenly a tree of courage and unadultered passion grows inside of you and you say,
“because you are beautiful and you are broken but you are trying. because you are human and you are one person and two hands and one heart. because i want nothing more than to clean your burns and bruises and make the wanderer in you build a home and stay. because looking at you feels like nothing i have ever felt and because you deserve to be loved, you deserve to be shown that another person’s love won’t turn into knives and anxiety and pain in your heart. you deserve to be healed and to be whole. i love you because you are you and there is no better way to describe you other than that. i love you because you are beautiful on the inside, no matter how many times you have been hurt. i love you because you light my insides on fire and because you never leave my mind. i love you because i can feel you, in my heart and in my bones and in every fiber of my being. i love you. i love you. i LOVE you. and i could go on and on telling you WHY but the desire to kiss your lips is so strong i feel as though my legs could give out at any second!”
you are breathing heavily as you realize her eyes have risen up to catch yours and she leans toward you
she looks golden under the moon light and the surface of her eyes are rapt with a soothing flare that burns into you as you gaze at the reflection of the moon in the circles of her eyeballs
you gaze at the beautiful curve of her body in your arms as her eyelids blink open and shut slowly as she quietly moves her lips as close to yours as they can get without touching, slightly moves away, almost like she is trying to prove something, then breaks your gaze as she closes her eyes and kisses you like you are something she has wanted and longed for her entire life

it is at this moment, as you feel her poking ribcage under the warmth of your hand and feel your body collapse, that you realize how certain and profound your love for her is
kissing her, you feel the ghosts that live inside of her, moving around as she clenches you tighter
you can smell the hurt that swells like water inside of her
there is a strong and longing presence about it and you can hear her heartbeat coming from inside of her chest, hidden underneath all of the sadness she has felt the entire duration of her life

kissing her makes you feel like you are kissing the universe, like it is a once in a lifetime chance
she pulls away and looks into your eyes and touches your face with her thumb so softly and so effortlessly that it feels as if you two have been doing this for your whole lives, loving each other
you can feel her wandering away from you so you grab her tighter and she snaps out of it and looks at you and says, “when i wasn’t there, you actually searched until you found me. no one has ever done that before. thank you.”

you can tell she is trying to forget old poisons as you read the expression on her face
she never said it back but that is okay because you know how terrifying those three words are to her and you know she will say it once she is ready

you let out a long sigh with the admittance of such a huge confession and everything is okay

you close your eyes and whisper, “finally.”

Sometimes I dream of scratching and digging viciously at his skin
As if I am trying to take back what I lost inside of him
What he tore away from me without my permission

Four years later and
I still cringe

He was so many firsts
First boyfriend
First 4 hour phone call
First person to see me naked
Undeniably bare and fresh and perfect
My body like an untouched lump of clay
Waiting for his hands to twist, mold, and taint it
First relationship
First time my body was a scale
He was so much weight

He never stopped
Especially after he would hear me utter “no”
He took away so much of me

Compromise was turning off the lights
Shutting my eyes as tight as they could go
Until it was all over
And I could breathe again

What was it that coerced him to finger me under the blanket in front of my siblings?
What was it that compelled him to ignore all of the no's?
What was it that drove him to take me upstairs to my bed while my own grandmother was just a room away and ****** himself inside of me without my consent?
What was it that made his hands cause every single centimeter of my skin to flinch?
Will I ever be forgiven for the sins I did not commit, but unintentionally created?

After it happened
My sanity seemed to be a balancing act
I felt like an old, empty museum
An eviscerated monument
Something that used to hold so much worth
Something that was now meaningless
Futile
And
Disgusting


Shortly after, denial surfaced
It took over and replaced my name
Every single minute of every single day
I was telling myself over and over and over
That it never happened
All in an attempt to make it go away
Doing everything I could to prevent myself
From ever admitting it
Doing everything in my will to forget
But failing so miserably

I called it an armed robbery
As if he could bust through my chest
Tear open my ribs
And steal everything that made my heart dance
And then nail its wings to his filthy trophy wall

For a long time after 
I was careless
A fallen angel
Looking for love
In the same way in which I lost it
Looking for love
In the same way in which I got to know pain and hurt intimately
It was a continuous game of innocence being lost

I was a lost and forgotten treasure
Living in a garden of destruction
Scared and ****** up and doing everything that I thought I needed
Thirsting for all of the medicine that I thought they had

I was stuck in the greatest darkness of my life
As I tried to convince myself that the men I met along the journey
Were my only light
I couldn't help but to seek safety in other people
For it was in another person that I lost all sense of my own security

I was someone who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone
There was constant bloodshed in my head and in my heart

So I did the things I did hoping I could make it all rewind
Go back to the very first day when I wasn't strong enough to get up and leave
After all of my thousands of insistent no's were intentionally ignored and thrown aside

I was disgusted with myself
Constantly putting myself down
Tearing myself apart
From the inside out and the outside in

Most days I would feel ***** (somedays I still do)
Contaminated
Defiled
Repulsive

It was hard to keep praying to someone who had me on hold
When all I wanted was for someone to hold me
Or at the least,
Something to hold on to

I think back and can't help but recall
How difficult it was to breathe in public

I felt hardened
I wanted someone to tell me that it wasn't my fault
To remind me that life is suffering
And existing is a coincidence
And that I am only a witness to half of it

I suppose that intimacy is the art of licking wounds
Because it has taken me years to let anyone kiss me
with my lips chapped
and my body tense
my eyes flitting
and my heart hiding

Four years later and
I still cringe

My father is always talking about how strong I am
He is so proud of my resilience that it sometimes makes me uneasy
He loves to brag about me to other people
Saying that I am capable of anything and everything
All because of everything I have been through and all that I have overcome

But the thing is
He doesn't even know half of it
He has no idea about what happened four years ago
About what continued to happen after that day

Now that time has passed
And I have finally healed (somewhat)
There's no denying that a part of me
Will always ache and burn because of this
But I have realized that
I am not the one who is broken
He is,
The monster who did this to me

And nothing has been stolen from me
Because my body is not a castoff
And there is nothing that sits inside of me
Bearing my worth

There is no trinket that can be seen
Touched
Or taken
****** from my stomach
Only to be left somewhere on the concrete
Or buried deep within a dumpster
And lost forever

Yes, something was seized from me
That I will never get back
But I refuse to watch myself collapse

I have heard that one in three women will be
*****
Or sexually abused
In their lifetime

Well,
I am one of three daughters

Four years later and
*I still cringe

I see something that faintly glints
In the back of your eye
I reach in
Dig deep
Pry it out
And find I am holding the entire universe
In my own two hands

The sun touches my skin
Days like this are fleeting
And make me feel happy just because
Days like this feel like dreams
That make everything seem a little bit better than before
I search as I wander
Singing hopes along my metaphysical journey
The dirt looks bronze and my clothes feel heavy
The dreaming begins again
And my eyes seem to glow with the sun
Forcing me to write
Making my gift shine like the light
Covered in emotion
My vision slightly blurred
Sweat lingers on my back like the taste of wine does on my tongue
The page is filling up
As deeper casts of sunlight lock down onto my frantically moving hand
I quietly forgive myself for all of those things
Over and over and over again
Just so I can hear it one more time
My shoes come off

I listen to the distant sounds
Thinking about the battle my own mind created
A magic flame burns on my arms
And in the garden a stranger bids an early hello as pleasure swirls like the scent of flowers around my nose
I think about how much I have grown since the screams that used to drown me and the tears that used to suffocate me
I suppose the worst is over
Because the pride has started and what I fully deserve is not that far ahead

I opened my eyes and taught myself to not romanticize the idea of loss
And the clock sent a cloud of thoughts that barely covered the entrance to the abyss I call my mind
The path of pain and destruction is ending and theres a fork in the road
No more wandering down the wrong trails anymore
I always thought, someday things will be better and I will be better and the ***** bliss that comes with my love of loneliness will subside
It will no longer be shared with its dear friend named sadness
But maybe the longing will forever be felt upon my shoulders
But maybe that is enough

Everyone wins at some point or another
I guess you just have to enjoy it while it lasts
And when it subsides
You'll board the train and watch the ghosts through the foggy windows as you sit there alone
Looking upon a seemingly fake reflection
You'll slip through the doors just in time and find that you're holding the key in your hand
Christmas time will come and you won't be held back by the bottle
And things will be complete and you'll probably find yourself constantly missing the gray lady who used to whisper horrible things in your head as she sat upon each of your shoulders and smiled a crooked smile that spread to each side of her face
You'll imagine her blowing life's pain in rings like cigarette smoke around your neck
Drowning your thoughts
Making your ears bleed
And the ink remains

But each week is a step forward
It's okay not to be grounded
But you have to be sure you're not floating too far away
Waste is not desired
Especially when you find your youth diminishing faster and faster with each measly year

Let it all sink in
But never forget the frozen winds that used to beckon to you and call you darling
And remember what happens when you lose yourself
Promising to never let yourself get that deep into the forest
Without admitting how lost you are
Ever again

I remember how I used to love to hurt
To hurt myself and to hurt others
Not to purposefully hurt others
To hurt myself
Maybe to hurt others by hurting myself

The truth of the matter is,
I was attracted to any form of hurting

But my ways have changed
And I am healed up, more mature

There's no need for that anymore

It all started one summer. It was a summer full of boundless love and mischief. Things were happy and easy, but non-committal. It was one of those times when you just felt happy to exist and that’s what it was. But nothing is ever permanent. He was leaving for college in the fall, moving half-way across the country, thousands and thousands of miles away. And it was the summer before her senior year of high school. Things weren’t complicated yet. But lofty anticipation is frightening and there was always something that held them back. They knew it couldn’t last. They knew their romance would soon come to an end. So they took it as it was and that seemed to be okay.

They spent their time venturing out. Each day was a new and different adventure. What else could they conquer with raw feelings and attraction? Kissing under the sun and loving below the moon. Every time one spent time with the other it seemed something of a dream to them. Summer dug its fingers deep down into them, brightened up their insides until their blood stream glowed golden. It guided the two lovers down the ***** paths of youth, carefree mis-happenings, and daydreams. Their heads were dizzied as they’d drift away with each other whilst sitting under a tree in the mid-afternoon.

He left and they were both sad but only for a little while. He will always have a special place in her heart, and she in his, but they were young and reckless and maybe that’s all they were supposed to be. They kept in touch by writing handwritten letters back and forth for the first few months he was away. She thought about him a lot. She was always at the back of his mind. He didn’t come home over Thanksgiving like he said he might. So her heart ached a little. About a month or so passed and he was back but things had already become complicated. Maybe even awkward. They were both sad, slightly bitter, but what else was there to do? It was over before it was ever anything, a lost cause from the beginning. Right? But it seemed a desperate hope kept bringing them back together, making their paths cross again and again. He went back to California and she carried on her mundane existence. Time passed. He finished his first year of college and she had graduated from high school. They were two completely different people than the summer before. Things became even more complicated, even more destructive.

They were reunited yet again and with liquor on their breath and old feelings wilting in their hearts, they got lost into the night with each other. The folds of the sensual darkness took them in and nurtured them only to poison them the next day. And the following days. And the following weeks. They would go weeks without talking. She even left the country for two weeks and they never spoke a word to each other. But things aren’t that simple and nothing ever ends that easy. He was scared and she was desperate for his affection. And still, something kept pulling them back together despite them trying to avoid the other. It was incapable of being ignored and brought with it a great deal of anxiety on both ends of the chain. Things were tense. They weren’t airy and simple like they were before.

Things are heavy now, there’s too much baggage. He says she is too good for him, that he doesn’t want to be with her because losing her is inevitable. He is consumed with self-hatred. He told her he hates himself too much to ever share any of himself with anyone else and it made her so sad. She said to him, “I just wish you could see yourself the way I see you,” and he just blurted out that he was in love with someone else. He apologized. It was someone back in California. But he still loved her, he was just confused and rightfully unsure as to how to go about addressing that. Her heart was weak as it dropped to her stomach when he said, “Can I kiss you? It’s okay if you say no.” And of course she said yes. And so he did. And then he left.

I see the ground impending at this very moment and I don't know what to do
What am I more than skin and bones waiting to rupture and explode through?
Sometimes my skin is the only part of me that feels
And music seems like a moral law
Just relax, take control, breathe
We're all volcanoes waiting to burst and we're bleeding into an ocean of uncertainties and a permanent life
What is there to do?
If we don't have our dreams, our passion, we have nothing
Nothing
We have to aspire to embrace all world views and perspectives, move beyond, and become open-minded
Kiss the stars and awaken to a new vision which is blinding at first
But our eyes will adjust
And we'll see the world, as it really is, for the first time
You're enough, we're all enough
We've always been enough
Our simple task is to enlighten the world
And look to the stars for guidance

Is it human to want to leave everything?
To go somewhere far, far away
Somewhere way up in the clouds
Humans scare me
I'm trapped in my own thoughts
They're so loud
But I'll hold your hand, we can go together
I could really use some guidance
Just look up kid
We're both beneath the same sky
We can do this

Remember, we all stumble and hesitate
Every one of us
We stagger
That's why it is such a comfort to go holding hands
We all turn out fine
One way or another
You are invincible
Oh, I forgot to tell you how beautiful you are

So where do you live?
Mostly in my head... What do I even ponder upon in the dead of the night?
We're magical
As anyone can see
Our words are soft
Sweetly combined
No one understands
It's so incomprehensible and uninterpretable
But it's so intriguing... My thoughts are so mixed up
I think so much it's unhealthy
If I could think out loud
My voice would be a never ending soundtrack
I would never stop talking
There's so much
I'm so confined
I am so little
We're all sustained to conformity
We need out of our minds
If someone asked me what I think about when I hear the word "eternity" or "endlessly" or anything... I wouldn't be able to give them a straight answer
I think too much and everything would become too elaborate
No one understands
Conformity will **** us all

My fears climb up my spine like spiders
Who can show me that I have nothing to fear?
God can? That's what I'm told...
Almost like he had it planned
But it's all planned, Evynne
Even what I am saying right now was all planned out
We just don't know
I think that's it
I don't know
I never knew
That
Scares me
I wish I could break free and know and learn
And never possess the ability to say "I don't know" ever again
I hate not knowing
This really shouldn't be that unusual to me, not knowing
But it is
It all is
We're all too young and too susceptible
We'll drown in our thoughts and feelings and emotions
We're stuck in a pool of conformity with no drain

Conformity is an interesting thing to me
Because if our generation is all about being different and doing what you love...
Well how is that even possible?
And if everyone is trying to be different, aren't we all the same?
It's so much to think about
I never stop
We each build up our own world of difference and uniqueness and magic
I walk down the street and see twenty of the same people
It comforts some to think they're different but know that they're the same as the person next to them
But only the brave strangers are the ones that stand out in the crowd of differences
And I admire these people
Because not only does it take a **** load of strength and integrity to do this
But also a purpose
And no one has a purpose these days
These rare human beings have simply decided to set themselves free
Jump into the wind
And create something new
They've got it

I'm blinded by these heroes and thieves at my doorstep
I can't seem to tell them apart anymore
These words make me feel okay though
They say words are the most powerful drug to mankind
Watch for beauty
And look at who shines
Be clever
We'll figure it out

Growing, moving, changing, nothing
I asked the worker at the coffee shop what he thought I should get
I've been more indecisive than usual lately
He recommended a chai latte
So that's what I got
I do strange things to avoid certainty, to avoid stability
I keep thinking I don't really know myself but I'm really not sure
Who am I?
A phrase that is in continuous repeat, ringing in the veins of my introverted mind
Who am I?
I could probably tell you
If I really wanted to, if I really tried
He said to me, "Chai tastes like... Merry Christmas!"
It made me smile
Dreams and coffee drinks and pages of books and sweaters
Is that who I am?
It is surely what I am compiled of
I am a wanderer
The girl who constantly says goodbye but never really knows how to leave
I should have mastered leaving by now, you know

I'm staring at brick walls
And a painting of two sleeping cats
There's music playing in the background
I'm awkwardly sipping my chai latte
On the other hand, seemingly distant, I am completely aware of everyone and everything around me
Always observing
Always listening
I like it, by the way
The latte
He was right
It does taste like "Merry Christmas"

It's already 5 o'clock
It's already October
It's cold outside today
Extremely cold
Yet, I've been driving with my windows down all day
I don't feel cold
I don't feel warm either though
I feel numb
I feel like nothing

Every day I just kind of sit back and watch the world go by like none of it really happens
Like all of it is a dream
I'm out of touch with reality
I rather enjoy it that way
Rather prefer it that way, probably
I know what my name is
I know where I come from, who I come from
So why can I not tell you who I am?
Can anyone really, truly, put into words who they are?
If they can, I am in a lot of trouble
Especially if they can do it easily
But that would make a lot of sense because it all comes down to stability
Or so I think so anyways
I haven't had any form of stability in my life for a very long time
And let me tell you, that is what will **** someone up
Who AM I?

I'm ****** up, emotional, and slightly neurotic
I'm only 18 years old but I feel at least 50 years more.
I grew tired too fast
Life is tiring for me
It's not supposed to be like that
Not yet anyway
I've been so sad my entire life
And my sadness acts as the very core of my being
I'm a strangely tangled up pile of thoughts and feelings
Past experiences and people
And this searing sense of nostalgia for what once was
And maybe even for what is to be

What do you call it when you're constantly thinking of the past and wishing it was still here?
When you're constantly longing for the future and wishing it would come sooner?
When you're constantly dissatisfied with the present and wishing it would disappear or change or something?
What is that?
Am I delirious?
Am I going crazy?
I almost hope so
I need some answers
The world is either in fast forward or paused
Growing, moving, changing, nothing
I am nothing
I am nothing
Goodbye

Love in an open hand
Free
Unhidden
And I am drowning in it

The change is
Intoxicatingly
Beautiful

Colorful life forms
Suddenly cover
The entirety of the ******
Formerly a deathful void
Now a beautiful and lively
Whole

Her breath sends
A sweet scent
Over all of the
Land

A happiness
    So unexpected
    So lovely
    So breathtaking
I do not know
What to do
With my overflowing
Heart

Someday
He will forget
The bottle
And his
Reflection
Will make his insides
Scream

Shattered winds
Of vanished youth
The life drained
Definitively
From his very flesh
Pale and vacant
Void of
Everything good
He once had
In total awe
Due to the liquid’s
Draining
Power

Hollow
But sinking
Numb
But hurting

Weakness stands
At the door to where he
Once resided
It’s come for its
Fix
Thirsting for it
Burning under the
Control of
Its Addiction

But
He is
Nowhere
To be found
Lost
Somewhere else
Consumed
By something
Far more
Intoxicating

Reflections of palm trees and ocean waves
In the luster of my spiraling brown green and gold irises

Walking along the shore line
I am one with the ocean,
One with the sand,
One with the waves,
One with the nature and beauty surrounding me

I am the ocean,
The sunshine,
The sand and the waves,
I am Sanibel

I am the beach,
A plethora of sand and shells
Reaching down for the ocean's soothing caress,
As waves rise up and
Kiss me in perfect intervals

The ocean inside of me,
Salty tears that reside in the
Secret canals of my eyelids

There are newborn freckles
On my young cheeks and poking nose
My face resembles the warm and soft sand
Quietly laying in the company of the
Friendly and inviting sea

My skin, sun kissed,
Radiates with warmth and love,
Possessing a beautiful golden flare
That emits all of the sun's most desired idiosyncrasies

The ocean is forever
But never the same as the day before
Forever changing, always moving
I am the ocean and the ocean is me

You look up at the sky and notice how it has always been a real friend
Recalling how often you used to admire its immaculate beauty
Hoping one day to be only half as beautiful as it
It took you years to finally be able to discover the sky's beauty within your own self
You may not be perfect
But everything that is beautiful in the world can also be found within

Lonely thoughts crash like waves against the walls of your mind as you wonder what the sun does when it fades away each evening, slowly and beautifully
You are young in the deepest part of you but you have wisdom far beyond your age
Existing quietly within your mind
Searching for more and more beauty to lock into that old, beaten up chest of yours for safe keeping
So you can admire it from up close for eternity

It is peculiar how the stars care from afar
Full of warmth and a passion so strong it shines from lightyears away
With your head held high and your shoulders strong
You resemble a tree
Free but completely connected to everything
In tune with all of that and all of whom are around you
Sharing your beauty and wisdom with the world
As you rest in comfort and safety
Within the loving caress of the earth
And its universe
Forever

Unforgettable bones
Have been buried
The emptiness
Mutates
Fading fingertips
Break
Expanding wounds
Ache
And Innocence
Is replaced
By a
**Monster

"Mental Illness"
Do those words excite you?
Look at me
I am a whirlpool of melancholy
I am a drain
I am filled with mania
I am a pulse
An endless flame
Of what perfect madness
I am every kind of fluctuation imaginable
"Mental Illness"
But I am so intimately rearranged
Put together in the most unique
And beautiful
And miserable of ways

"Mental Illness"
Ha,
*I am so much more than that.

I could tell you what I think
But most don't care to listen
I try not to waste my time on people like that
Because why would I?
There are people who will literally **** all of the energy out of you
Treating you like a sponge when you are really a sun
There's no remedy for people like this
And they're everywhere
Hidden predators in a pasture full of succulent prey
Which way did they come from?
We may never know.

I am a bright and burning sun and I radiate positive energy from my core
It extends millions of miles outside of me
I am desirable in that aspect
Fueling the thirst of treacherous thieves who can't survive without me
I am precious in that aspect
And you'd think they'd treat me as so
But greed is greed, a viscious and disgusting monster which only continuously grows stronger
And I cannot save them.

I know what it's like to be brave enough to offer your whole self to the world
Glistening energy and all
Only to have it tarnished and chased after by those whose only desire is to take and to take

I am too much in the same way that I am never enough.

I am always getting taken from.
But I do not cry because I am like this
I am whole and perfect and special no matter how much they try to take from me
For I am constantly filling back up
And burning ever brighter.  

I cry for those who aren't a sun,
But a thunderous black hole.
How they must suffer.
I cry for them because that is the only thing left to do
And at least they won't try to consume these tears of mine too
But yet, I hope to water them as so...
Thinking that maybe, someday, they might bloom into a flower, which eventually transforms into a sun.

But I am a dreamer.
And what's done is done.

By: Evynne Doue

Paper souls like shadows
Pleasant fingertips of your youth
Dancing hearts looming in your brain
Bodies
Awake
But dreaming
Unknown but willing touches
Tired and playful
Evening faces infinite with age
Sitting and singing
A lovely little tune
Mysterious and raw
Troublesome
Seemingly rare contact
Apparent company
Struggling
Extreme

Flowers desired in awe
Embracing admiration
And powerful knowledge
Tense and physical
Searing and noticed embraces
Avoiding relentless phrases
Fixed and terrifying

Puddles ripple gracefully like a soft and easy heartbeat
Entities possessing revealed and complicated empathy
Escaping definition
Forming fervor on their semblance
Newborn universes within a dimension
Continuous freckles
Extreme and longing
Multiple intents
Effortless commodities
Emitting tiny, never-ending adventures
*Silly, little flower
Come away with me tonight

Something about the way she sighs
Always taking those long, drawn-out breaths
Because she once grew so accustomed to taking such long, drown-out drags from her cigarette
Though she broke the habit of smoking
She could never break the habit of breathing so deeply
But you like small sounds

Something about the way she laughs quietly
Like her voice is shy and timid of being acknowledged
But you like small sounds
So you notice

Something about the way she mumbles
In bed, she once whispered, "I'll never leave you"
And you weren't sure if she was awake or asleep
But it didn't matter, you believed her anyway
Because you like small sounds
And you love her quiet way

When he happened upon his broken father
A boy too young to see
Needles and trash strewn all over
"Daddy? Dad? Can you hear me?"

"Are you okay, Dad? Are you okay?"
Knowing deep down the answer
His heart ached with confusion,
His innocence ripped away
The drugs, he thought
Were a form of cancer
And heavy on their shoulders
Did they weigh

Timid to approach the skeleton
Leaning against the wall,
Knowing they would
Both be frozen to the touch
Tears swelled
Not wanting to fall,
Balancing on the ledges
Of their eyelids
It was all almost
Too much

But he never gave up on him,
Not even when everyone else did
"I love you, Son. I love you more than you can imagine."

The sight could make a small boy dizzy
But he hung on like death, although it was not easy
But what can a small boy do when he sees his father in this view?

He stared into empty eyes
Thinking viciously of his mother's lies
But what does a small boy know of love's austere and lonely shadows?

I love you, Dad. Are you still there?
Wondering in his heart if he would ever get better

I love you, Son. I'm here. I'm always here.
But even that,
Couldn't ease this
Crippling fear

Uninvited ridges appearing almost instantly on the surface of my skin
My body shy to the feeling they bring
Each one, a dream swelling in a desperate hope to become a reality

        To caress your moonlit skin
        For your lips to pay homage my tingling nape
        To stroke your crescent lips
        For you to cradle my timid being
        To rub your pillowy girth

And as these sensations consummate, each yearning speck will settle back into my heart
Until the next time comes when something small like your touch or your voice summons them back to the semblance of my freckled flesh once again

You like to store your knowledge in books and the quiet haikus that you write in your head all day long
Past mistakes may be flying around you like confused little demons with knives threatening to shatter all of the good thoughts
Just remember the promises
It is all so easily fixed
Not with a razor blade
Or a hard shot of liquor to the throat
The hollowing in your stomach tells you that bleeding isn't a sign of weakness
But it should never be brought on intentionally
And although savoring your youth is important, you shouldn't dwell on it
You can still remind yourself of the beauty of your innocence and it is okay to release that sigh that rolls off your tongue heavy and hard
Sending burning flares of emotion to your heart
Ugly, but never lasting for eternity like a handwritten letter does
Kind of like a cup of hot tea at midnight

Your thoughts will always be innocent
Allowing mountains of passion to form that only belong innerly  
While numb answers swirl around in your steaming cup
As painted letters line up like numbers on your skin
With words bound tightly
Waves of familiar fate grow louder like beats
Each minute spent feeling fragile shouldn't affect how you were built
Grasp those precious fields of love and tuck them safely underneath your heart
Growing in strength is an inevitability and your toes will never defy your legs
Loneliness may be desirable but that image of yourself is burned and twisted in your mind
You have healed and the experience is full of energy wrapping around your bones
And fault echoes in your head but it is all so silly now
Reaching for the sunshine buried deep in your core
You shed the false rage and struggle with despair as the evening retreats
Your depths grow deeper and flames of remembered pain rush through
But your birth is a beautiful miracle
And history explains how the sunlight welcomes
And will always be there to kiss your skin and guide you to places unknown
Until you are full of nothing but warmth and rapture
Your existence is such a lovely, lovely thing
Never forget that