I've been hurt more than I've been loved
You can tell by the way I kiss (too softly)
And by the way I hold your hand (too tightly)

I see the ground impending at this very moment and I don't know what to do
What am I more than skin and bones waiting to rupture and explode through?
Sometimes my skin is the only part of me that feels
And music seems like a moral law
Just relax, take control, breathe
We're all volcanoes waiting to burst and we're bleeding into an ocean of uncertainties and a permanent life
What is there to do?
If we don't have our dreams, our passion, we have nothing
Nothing
We have to aspire to embrace all world views and perspectives, move beyond, and become open-minded
Kiss the stars and awaken to a new vision which is blinding at first
But our eyes will adjust
And we'll see the world, as it really is, for the first time
You're enough, we're all enough
We've always been enough
Our simple task is to enlighten the world
And look to the stars for guidance

Is it human to want to leave everything?
To go somewhere far, far away
Somewhere way up in the clouds
Humans scare me
I'm trapped in my own thoughts
They're so loud
But I'll hold your hand, we can go together
I could really use some guidance
Just look up kid
We're both beneath the same sky
We can do this

Remember, we all stumble and hesitate
Every one of us
We stagger
That's why it is such a comfort to go holding hands
We all turn out fine
One way or another
You are invincible
Oh, I forgot to tell you how beautiful you are

So where do you live?
Mostly in my head... What do I even ponder upon in the dead of the night?
We're magical
As anyone can see
Our words are soft
Sweetly combined
No one understands
It's so incomprehensible and uninterpretable
But it's so intriguing... My thoughts are so mixed up
I think so much it's unhealthy
If I could think out loud
My voice would be a never ending soundtrack
I would never stop talking
There's so much
I'm so confined
I am so little
We're all sustained to conformity
We need out of our minds
If someone asked me what I think about when I hear the word "eternity" or "endlessly" or anything... I wouldn't be able to give them a straight answer
I think too much and everything would become too elaborate
No one understands
Conformity will **** us all

My fears climb up my spine like spiders
Who can show me that I have nothing to fear?
God can? That's what I'm told...
Almost like he had it planned
But it's all planned, Evynne
Even what I am saying right now was all planned out
We just don't know
I think that's it
I don't know
I never knew
That
Scares me
I wish I could break free and know and learn
And never possess the ability to say "I don't know" ever again
I hate not knowing
This really shouldn't be that unusual to me, not knowing
But it is
It all is
We're all too young and too susceptible
We'll drown in our thoughts and feelings and emotions
We're stuck in a pool of conformity with no drain

Conformity is an interesting thing to me
Because if our generation is all about being different and doing what you love...
Well how is that even possible?
And if everyone is trying to be different, aren't we all the same?
It's so much to think about
I never stop
We each build up our own world of difference and uniqueness and magic
I walk down the street and see twenty of the same people
It comforts some to think they're different but know that they're the same as the person next to them
But only the brave strangers are the ones that stand out in the crowd of differences
And I admire these people
Because not only does it take a **** load of strength and integrity to do this
But also a purpose
And no one has a purpose these days
These rare human beings have simply decided to set themselves free
Jump into the wind
And create something new
They've got it

I'm blinded by these heroes and thieves at my doorstep
I can't seem to tell them apart anymore
These words make me feel okay though
They say words are the most powerful drug to mankind
Watch for beauty
And look at who shines
Be clever
We'll figure it out

in sleep,
you lay
open
letting the night sky
grow emptiness into
a joy
an infinite dream
an ocean of poems
an idea,
a voice,
falling from the stars
and kissing you on the cheek
laying flowers beside you
gazing lovingly at your faults
your love
and your presence
there is always a sorrow and a darkness
a sense with a constant wish
to sit on your chest
making it hard to breathe
toxic smoke
twirling around your nostrils
making a home out of your lungs
but if you listen
if you listen
there is a loving cleanliness
that is stronger
beating ever brighter
watching as you rest
and imagining the sunlight
that your eyes will create
whispering the safe word
and it is all going to be okay
breaking down the great walls that surround your heart
the room that holds the ways to no longer have to guess
the room that holds all of the answers you long to possess
finding dead parts along the way
signs of only having lived and survived
wandering around the room
realizing the walls really are gone
and oh no—what is going to happen to your heart now
the aching feeling in your stomach
is no match to the power and purity that is to come
meet me at the window
you will lose your breath
but there will be a true escape
full of a growing stardust
and stability
that will put shame to the label that reads “fragile: handle with care.”
and you will ask yourself,
but is this a window or a mirror?
and then you will realize that this question is the point of everything
alluring the tongue of the hidden rays
that shines onto a finally revealed trust
thrusting itself upon your shoulders
and you cannot ignore it now.
a deeply powerful realm
that you have fought so tirelessly to find
reflections will always be reflections
but reality is never a constant
it will be hard to prevent yourself from rebuilding the walls
but take a deep breath
revel in the lightness you feel
and do not forget to remind yourself of the burden of its opposite
it will be even harder to grasp this new feeling
this new reality
but it whispers to you
endless
moonlight running through your veins
illuminating your beautifully constructed being
there is no reason to mourn the loss of so much dead weight
the heavy shadows that have finally drifted away
and soon,
once you awake
you will realize it wasn’t just a dream
the reflection will disappear
only to become a reality
and i promise
i promise
you deserve this beaming experience
that is burning with comfort
and entities pulling love into your fingertips
the intense knowledge that you awake with
the truth floating all around you
will embrace you in its arms
and there won’t be any more questions
but an early thirst to continue to chase after this luster
with a surrounding magnitude
that grows stronger off your heartbeat
and in the morning
when the flowers are still there
the anxiety will not be
and you will gracefully arise
an unknown entity
with a force so powerful
no words will be uttered
but spoken unknown
embracing continuously
what it feels like
to be so
free.

When I was young I used to think that being an adult meant not having a bed time but I've come to realize that it means being in charge of my own bed time
And it also turns out that doesn't even scratch the surface of what being an adult really means

Being an adult means taking your medication every evening so you don't spiral in and out of depression and sever all stability you worked so long and diligently to obtain
It means drinking a bottle of wine and writing poetry by yourself on a Wednesday night just because it feels nice
It means breaking loose a little and nights out with your friends drinking and having fun, pretending you're still seventeen with no care in the world
It means being completely and utterly vulnerable and throwing yourself out into the world saying, "This is who I am, love me or leave me, but PLEASE just take me as I am!"
It means giving everything and everyone a chance
It means being so **** broke but still feeling accomplished because there is something so wonderful but so terrifying about freedom
It means frantically trying to figure out how you are going to pay your bills
It means working extra hours at work regardless of any leftover time or energy you might have
It means doing everything in your will to preserve that once constant and forever thriving creativity and innocence you had so much of as a child
It means trying to balance out being both ordinary and exceptional
It means realizing you can't escape participating in things you don't necessarily agree with, like paying taxes and getting up and going to that job every morning that you pretend to love
It means being self-sufficient and responsible, even if you don't feel fit to do so
It means telling your family you love them every single chance you get because you now realize how profound your love is for them and how much they truly mean to you
It means recognizing how important and wonderful your parents are, how much they really know, regardless of what you used to think when you were 16 or 17
It means acknowledging the fact that people will disappoint you but you simply can't blame someone for merely being human
But most importantly, it means realizing your own true beauty and purpose

For the first time in my entire life I can look in the mirror and see my body, my skin, my bones, as something charming and beautiful
I've never had a problem finding beauty elsewhere, whether it was in the world, in some small thing, or in someone else, but I could never seem to find it in myself
Until now
I love myself, my body, my mind
I see beauty in my being
I am able to find true beauty within
I look in the mirror and can wonder what my childhood self would think about me now
Is this what I imagined being an adult would look like?
But that doesn't matter because I love who I am now
Sure, I have my vices
And there is always something that I could be working on
But I am finally at home in my body
And it might have taken me 19 years to get here
But I am so happy

The easiness that comes with loving you is frightening
I've never really been that good at anything in particular
But I've never wanted anything so much as I want to spend the rest of my life with you
To hold you every night while I sleep
And kiss your face every morning when I awake
So the question is not,
"Do I love you?" or "How do I love you?"
But rather,
"How could I ever stop?"

"It had nothing to do with you, love," you said
"You're perfect to me," you said
It made my heart ache and ache
Why did you have to say that?
Right when it was starting to get easier

"I need to smoke a cigarette," I think to myself
"The cigarettes you smoke one after the other won't make you forget him," I mutter through clenched teeth
I feel as though my molars might crack under the pressure
I feel so tense and weak and alone

You touched me and then you loved me
You left me and then you broke me
You made the wanderer in me stay and build a home
I built the foundation up and around your heart so I could be your heartbeat,
Residing in your chest, underneath the warmth of your tingling flesh

With no prior notice you evicted me
You demolished my home, my comfort, my bliss
You left me cold and sad and heartbroken
With no where to go

You shouldn't make promises you can't keep

Growing, moving, changing, nothing
I asked the worker at the coffee shop what he thought I should get
I've been more indecisive than usual lately
He recommended a chai latte
So that's what I got
I do strange things to avoid certainty, to avoid stability
I keep thinking I don't really know myself but I'm really not sure
Who am I?
A phrase that is in continuous repeat, ringing in the veins of my introverted mind
Who am I?
I could probably tell you
If I really wanted to, if I really tried
He said to me, "Chai tastes like... Merry Christmas!"
It made me smile
Dreams and coffee drinks and pages of books and sweaters
Is that who I am?
It is surely what I am compiled of
I am a wanderer
The girl who constantly says goodbye but never really knows how to leave
I should have mastered leaving by now, you know

I'm staring at brick walls
And a painting of two sleeping cats
There's music playing in the background
I'm awkwardly sipping my chai latte
On the other hand, seemingly distant, I am completely aware of everyone and everything around me
Always observing
Always listening
I like it, by the way
The latte
He was right
It does taste like "Merry Christmas"

It's already 5 o'clock
It's already October
It's cold outside today
Extremely cold
Yet, I've been driving with my windows down all day
I don't feel cold
I don't feel warm either though
I feel numb
I feel like nothing

Every day I just kind of sit back and watch the world go by like none of it really happens
Like all of it is a dream
I'm out of touch with reality
I rather enjoy it that way
Rather prefer it that way, probably
I know what my name is
I know where I come from, who I come from
So why can I not tell you who I am?
Can anyone really, truly, put into words who they are?
If they can, I am in a lot of trouble
Especially if they can do it easily
But that would make a lot of sense because it all comes down to stability
Or so I think so anyways
I haven't had any form of stability in my life for a very long time
And let me tell you, that is what will **** someone up
Who AM I?

I'm ****** up, emotional, and slightly neurotic
I'm only 18 years old but I feel at least 50 years more.
I grew tired too fast
Life is tiring for me
It's not supposed to be like that
Not yet anyway
I've been so sad my entire life
And my sadness acts as the very core of my being
I'm a strangely tangled up pile of thoughts and feelings
Past experiences and people
And this searing sense of nostalgia for what once was
And maybe even for what is to be

What do you call it when you're constantly thinking of the past and wishing it was still here?
When you're constantly longing for the future and wishing it would come sooner?
When you're constantly dissatisfied with the present and wishing it would disappear or change or something?
What is that?
Am I delirious?
Am I going crazy?
I almost hope so
I need some answers
The world is either in fast forward or paused
Growing, moving, changing, nothing
I am nothing
I am nothing
Goodbye

Some days are like most nights
I lay awake tracing shadows with my eyes
Trying to sort through all of the thoughts
That occupy my head
Recklessly trying to find peace of mind
That is the story of my life

Why is there bad and good, always an opposite?
How do we know we're doing the right thing?
How do we know we are going about life in the right way?
How do we know?

None of it makes sense to me

Because here I am
Here I am hurting and yelling and feeling in my thoughts
Trying not to go crazy
Lately I feel like I actually might be
I haven't heard any voices or anything like that
It's more of an everyday kind of crazy
Where I am constantly forgetting things I shouldn't
And thinking about death more than I probably should

It's just
I hold on to my words like I'm holding on for my life
Writing is just as painful as holding myself onto this ledge I'm about to fall off of
This is too hard for me
I keep feeling so terribly terribly average

You are a good friend of mine
Always there, always so kind
You help me through the bad times
Always there, always so sublime

I am so very fortunate to have a friend like you
And you will be my friend forever, that I always knew
Thank you for all that you do for me
If it weren't for you, I don’t know where I'd be

She smells of cigarettes and flowers
I could rant about her beauty for hours
When we kiss, I'm in another dimension
When we're apart, I swear something's missin'

I like this day.
The 17th day, of the 4th month of the year.
I am thinking of you still.
I have been drunk the majority of today,
And that is more or so the truth.

But more the less, I am perfectly okay.
The flight attendant, she noticed my youth,
But she paid for my drink anyway…
I am the only “young one” in this booth.
The middle, it strays emptily.
But I am coming home today…
And I can only hope that I see you soon.
For it is you, who makes me swoon.
If only I could see you…tonight, or any day as soon.

You do not respond, to my dismay.
Here I am, upon the plane.
It is you who makes me sane.
For I’d rather write of you,
Than wait for you to…
Respond to my text of so excitement.
For it is only you who creates incitement.

I stole the crackers and the peanuts from him beside me
He hasn’t awoken, however, I wonder if he would blame me.
Asleep, asleep, sweet dreams does he keep.
And then there’s me, who won’t dare fall asleep.
For I will,
Keep writing poems…
Until I desperately reek of raw &
True emotions.
Until I know that you are mine to keep,
However, until then, your love will continue to move oceans.

From me to yours,
What more could I ask?
This is far more than a love fueled by mere task
Of me and yours and our love combined too…bliss is bliss
And I love you,
I do.

By: Evynne Doue

It is an inconvenience
It is an added stress
It is one more thing I am forced to deal with
It is something that baffles understanding and cannot be explained
It is my deepest darkest secret

I can feel it deep, down inside of me
It burns and aches and forces me to notice it
It is hidden from everyone else
I am the only one who knows of its existence

Almost nineteen years old,
Finding myself forced to make certain lifestyle changes
Things most people don't consider until much older
Things some people won't ever consider
I am too young to be dealing with something of this nature,
Of this magnitude

But it does not define me
It is part of who I am
And ultimately, I accept it
That doesn't make dealing with it any less difficult, however
The anger and frustration still surface
Along with the despair and
The loneliness

It can seem unbearable at times
And there are times when I want for nothing more
Than to blurt it out
But I never do
Because it is mine,
And only mine

I try to love it,
Look at it as a gift
And when it comes down to it,
I wouldn't have it any other way
It is both a curse and a blessing,
Depending on how you look at it

For the most part,
Others see it as a curse
Which makes me want to prove to them
How much of a blessing it really is

My deepest darkest secret is a piece of me,
It lives inside of me
And that is what makes it so beautiful

Most of the world tends to take over our hearts
And turn us inside out and outside in
Nourishing the spots in our minds that bleed hatred, fear, and weakness
While endlessly working to contaminate the parts where everything that is good resides
Until a dungeon of ice conquers the very place your heart used to call home
Void of any passion and empathy you had left in that measly little room behind your ribs
Consumed by a hatred so deep
It freezes anything good it can keep

I made myself promise to
Stop planting flowers
In people's yards
Who never even tried to water them
Or forgot to
Or never even gave a **** about flowers
Whatever
I stopped letting people take me
And cut me down
And dry me out


I have too many scars for that
My bones have endured too much

I am strong
And I deserve to be watered
Kissed
And loved
Able to grow as tall and as strong
And as beautiful
As I want

And I don't have to depend on anyone either

I am strong
And I deserve to be treated as so

By: Evynne Doué

You look up at the sky and notice how it has always been a real friend
Recalling how often you used to admire its immaculate beauty
Hoping one day to be only half as beautiful as it
It took you years to finally be able to discover the sky's beauty within your own self
You may not be perfect
But everything that is beautiful in the world can also be found within

Lonely thoughts crash like waves against the walls of your mind as you wonder what the sun does when it fades away each evening, slowly and beautifully
You are young in the deepest part of you but you have wisdom far beyond your age
Existing quietly within your mind
Searching for more and more beauty to lock into that old, beaten up chest of yours for safe keeping
So you can admire it from up close for eternity

It is peculiar how the stars care from afar
Full of warmth and a passion so strong it shines from lightyears away
With your head held high and your shoulders strong
You resemble a tree
Free but completely connected to everything
In tune with all of that and all of whom are around you
Sharing your beauty and wisdom with the world
As you rest in comfort and safety
Within the loving caress of the earth
And its universe
Forever

I look up at the sky and it feels like love
And in my mind words echo and poems form
I look at something and the first thing I see is beauty
An undying, pleasing combination of qualities that provides a perceptual experience of admiration
An entity which is inherently valued and adored
I find beauty everywhere
Inside of my eyes
My heart
My body
My head
The entire world surrounding me
I see it in everything
Beautiful things, beautiful people, beautiful creatures, beautiful places, beautiful objects, beautiful ideas, beautiful sounds
There is beauty in everything

I am in love with the moon and the sky
The way the sun shines through the trees and paints pictures on the ground below
The clouds and how they decorate the blue around them, accentuating its tugging beauty
How the birds sing songs for the flowers
The way the trees loom over everything and provide shelter and comfort for the smallest creature or an amiable passerby
I am in love with how the brook babbles
How the wind whispers secrets to the meadows
I am in love with every form of beauty
And if there is beauty in every single thing
I suppose you could say I am in love with all that there is

The life and beauty around me are sometimes so breathtaking I don't know what else to do rather than just revel in it

Telling yourself you don't exist doesn't change anything
Dreams are the same thing as death these days
Are you willing to lose everything for your passion and your purpose?

The quiet raindrops comfort your tears for it was your very tears that came from the vast and salty ocean
With your mouth full of your own blood, the only thing you can taste is her tongue
Your words, soiled with memory of hers
Your skin, void of any warmth,
Numb and frozen, without her silky flesh to caress

You search for the sunlight
The rain has been pleasant
But you long for the sun to reach its rays out, dig deep, and warm you from your very core
You wonder if you will ever feel again, if the numbness will subside
But comfort comes in storm clouds and happiness always forgets to kiss you goodnight
Loneliness clouds your judgment and escape is only accomplished to your own demise

You feel weak with so many pieces missing
Will you ever be whole?
The thought of bliss burns your hollow insides until you incinerate from the inside out
And all you are is broken fragments
***** dust with no place to invade except for your *own broken heart

When he happened upon his broken father
A boy too young to see
Needles and trash strewn all over
"Daddy? Dad? Can you hear me?"

"Are you okay, Dad? Are you okay?"
Knowing deep down the answer
His heart ached with confusion,
His innocence ripped away
The drugs, he thought
Were a form of cancer
And heavy on their shoulders
Did they weigh

Timid to approach the skeleton
Leaning against the wall,
Knowing they would
Both be frozen to the touch
Tears swelled
Not wanting to fall,
Balancing on the ledges
Of their eyelids
It was all almost
Too much

But he never gave up on him,
Not even when everyone else did
"I love you, Son. I love you more than you can imagine."

The sight could make a small boy dizzy
But he hung on like death, although it was not easy
But what can a small boy do when he sees his father in this view?

He stared into empty eyes
Thinking viciously of his mother's lies
But what does a small boy know of love's austere and lonely shadows?

I love you, Dad. Are you still there?
Wondering in his heart if he would ever get better

I love you, Son. I'm here. I'm always here.
But even that,
Couldn't ease this
Crippling fear

Staring blankly out the window
Lost in contemplation
And observation
Sipping casually through a plastic straw
Completely immersed in my racing thoughts
And the shuffling of feet
And the way the shadows lay harshly on the grass and cement in the sun

Halfway over
Mid-day
Reflections
Blue silhouettes
Reaching limbs
The hum of existence

A boy riding his bicycle
A girl walking along the path
I am not here
No one sees me
Existence is plaguing

Where are the clouds?
A breeze kissing my face softly
Touching my hair longingly
I see everything and everyone around me
But they do not see me
I blend in so naturally

Can you feel all the suffering, can you see it?
Stop embracing the hate of your own humanity, just quit it
Why all the hypocrisy?
Challenge your democracy

Aim for enlightenment
Fight against all ill torment
Oppression, alienation, inequality
The government's manipulative utilities

Explore your human aptitude
Your mind and your magnitude
Because passion is power and
You can make all evil cower

Work to open your third eye
Don't cry or comply, but rather ask "why?"
Empathy and compassion are most important
Without them, moral principles remain impotent

Our world is nothing compared to the entire universe
We are so small, egoistic, and it's getting worse
Focused on all of the wrongs ideals
Creating terrible and false ordeals

Our world is cruel and mean
Too many people die hungry
There's no such thing as equality or true justice
It does not exist in this realm of consciousness

If only we could shift the system and our ways
Then things would continue to fall into place
But change is virtually unachievable
Especially when entities with just intents are inconceivable

Human beings are clueless, trapped in a trance
Don't let yourself fall victim to your ignorance
You need to expand your knowledge and your perspective
Aim to be more pensive and introspective

Challenge absolutely everything you are told
Form your own beliefs, don't let your mind be controlled
Remove yourself from conformity and complacency
And you'll realize a multitude of problems, that I guarantee

You can't trust anything

Hear what I'm saying 

No you cant trust anything

Believing is damaging

Creating is everything, it's promising
Stop adhering to societal norms

Why do you conform

To all that

The government tells us

All that society spells for us
Why don't you realize

Wake up from all the lies

The world is an intricate place, that you can't replace

But you can change your ways and your pace

Create some displacement in the system
Stand up your rights

And what you believe in

Be genuine

Imagine

Not one person, thing, or system

Can tell us, control us, conform us

With enough minds open and motivated
We can help those oppressed and alienated
We can change this race for the better
Let's all work to be that kind of trendsetter
Come on, let's start a movement
So we can see some real improvement
In our world, our ways, and our wisdom
But most importantly in the system

I wake up in the morning.
It is hard to get out of bed.
But the presence of my cat and the thought of a warm cup of coffee lures me out slowly,
Surely.
Every morning, I wake up starved of meaning and purpose;
Though, this absence is oddly painless to ignore in the morning.
In the morning,
Nothing is real.
In the morning I put on an innovative charade.
In hopes it will bring about a change of pace.
It never does.

Every day it seems to become more apparent to me that I struggle with most things people find ordinary.
And, effortless.
Every day I am let down by my efforts.
Every day it is a continuous descent and degradation into an ultimate and underlying dissatisfaction with what I encounter every day and with most human beings and the lives they live and with life itself.
It resides in the core of who I am.
I can't hide from it.
I can't cover it.
It doesn't go away.
Every day everything that should not prevail, does.
Every day.
No one would understand.
No one can.
Every day is the same.
Days feel like weeks to me.
Days and days and days.
What are days, besides a limitation on time?
I would enjoy and value the ability to live a life without the rigid limitations everyone and everything has always set for me.
Not possible.
Nothing utterly enjoyable is ever truly promising,
Or achieving.

Every night I crawl into my bed,
Tired.
Every night I cannot seem to sleep.
I lay there,
Awake,
Waiting.
I lay there in darkness,
Waiting for happiness to find me again;
To kiss me goodnight and advise sweet dreams;
To guarantee that when I wake up in the morning it will not all be the same.
Every night.
It never comes.
Every night the bed is empty.
I am vacant,
Always. 
Empty. 
I can be found contemplating my loneliness,
Every night.
Every night I have to prepare myself for every morning.
Every morning and every day and every night.

I am forever longing to explore all of the secrets of the physical universe
To savor the input from all of my senses
To feel all of the joy and the sorrow
All of the laughter and the empathy
I long to continually expand my knowledge
And my mind
My aptitude and my magnitude
I am forever longing to go on a cosmic adventure
And never come back to this reality

It is hard to get out of bed in the morning
Without your face to kiss
Your body to hold
Your voice to listen to

You were like the first cup of coffee in the morning
Warm and alluring
Life was easier with you in it
And I grew accustomed to that
But now you're gone and it seems I have forgotten
How difficult life is for someone like me

When you struggle to get out of bed in the morning
For no apparent reason it seems
Things are hard
But forgetting what that feels like
And being thrown back into it with no warning
Is even harder

I put my retainer in; only hoping it would straighten things out. Good luck, love. You're too complicated to be set straight. You're not concrete. You're distant. You live your life like you have headphones in, watching everything without the proper sounds; you listen with your own soundtrack. This fake silence speaks to you. It's your only safety net. It's the only way you feel truly alive and normal. Although you try and avoid normalcy as much as it's humanly possible… Although I find it quite ironic that I used the word "Humanly" because you don't strike me as human at all. You're not like other people.

You actually believe that you need others more than they need you. You search for affection, for stability, for acceptance. You're just a shell of the girl you used to be; troubled and messed up and lost in this sadistic world. You don't know what to do with yourself. What is there even to do with a girl like you? Do you know that you block people off? You don't tell anyone anything sweetie. You just keep to yourself, hide everything away in a little box in that extravagant but strangely complicated mind of yours. No wonder you thirst for affection so much, no wonder you don't have any.

But what I don't get is that you sit there and think about how much you want to talk to people and speak your mind but you don't. You're too afraid of being scrutinized even more than you already are. Because you can't take that you're even stereotyped and scrutinized in the first place. You can't stand that. So you believe it's better to be miserable in your own mind rather than publicizing it all over the place. You'd rather keep it to yourself and wear a mask that says, "There's nothing wrong with me, I have every reason to be happy, and I'm just tired." When the truth is, you believe you have no reason to be happy, there's too much wrong with you to even try to deal with and fix, and you're more than tired, you're exhausted.

"Why is life like this?" You ask yourself over and over again. Always searching and searching for answers but only finding more and more questions. You're always left unanswered; you feel worthless, forgotten. You believe that you're just in everyone's way, that everyone would be better off if you just didn't exist. And you constantly find yourself wishing something horrible would happen to you just so you can have a reasonable and legitimate excuse to be so depressed. So you wouldn't have to wear that **** mask of yours anymore. If people only knew.  

But because of who you are, you push people away. And you allow them to get to you and hurt you. But do you realize that it is your fault for all of this? It's always your fault. You're unstable and prone to trouble and terribly unlucky. You're not fixable; you're just not good enough.

People don't realize the type of person you are. You come off as ungrateful and spoiled and angry and so many things that you're not. You just cover everything up with these negative behaviors and emotions. Which makes no sense, but I know you can't help it. Your eyes don't need all the sadness they have seen. You are a good person; at least you try to be. You're humble and understanding. You feel so much for others and you have the ability to understand them so well. You do things for others that you know they would never do for you. You find yourself criticizing only you, judging no one but yourself.

But your own expectations for yourself are impossible to live up to and you don't realize that. You don't believe in yourself... it's a wonder you have the capacity to believe in others. But it doesn't surprise me that you find it so hard to let yourself fully love other people. You don't love yourself. That's your issue. You can show love for others and be loving towards them but you can never get to the point where you can fully love someone. And you wonder why. It's because you don't love yourself. You like to convince yourself that if you write and think beautiful thoughts than everyone will love you. Too bad no one knows you write and think. And too bad you don't think any of it is beautiful either.

You're just paranoid. You have this weird fear of growing old. You're not afraid to die, you're afraid to grow old. Lose your most prized possession-your mind. Maybe that's why you're so reckless and don't care about anything you do or anything anyone else does. You might as well die young rather than waste the rest of your life being miserable and unhappy. I mean life just gets boring after you're forced to grow up. You lose your freedom.

But don't ask me, I don't know anything.

I heard
If you hug someone
And never let them go
They become a tiny bone
In your body
That you forget about
But could never
Live without

Laying alone in bed
Before sleep quiets my head
I always feel the most pain
As loneliness ***** me like a drain

Your fingers play my ribcage bones like piano keys
All my body aches
Why do you affect me like you do?

Pinned between linen sheets and your warm body
I feel whole
Like there aren't certain parts of me missing anymore

Before I met you, I was half empty
You've filled up all of my empty parts

I am now full

With my head full and churning
I find comfort in my cigarettes
As I endlessly and tirelessly
Search for a way to turn my mind off
To no avail

After I met you
I discovered how dangerous of a thing
Eye contact is
Frighteningly dangerous
But lovely
So *very, very lovely

I fell in love with every single morning
How you rolled out of bed after you shut your alarm off for the sixth time
How your eyes and voice revealed exhaustion but also so much love
The way your hands would grasp each side of my face
While your lips would steal the endings of my sentences
And a smile would form on my face effortlessly
Every single day with you felt like a week of saturday mornings
With clean bed sheets and lazy smiles

Every single morning
I would fall in love with the way you would drink your coffee
And smoke your cigarette
And even how you would stand in the doorway of your closest

Somewhere between falling in love with our midnight conversations
That were exhaled through cigarette puffs
And interrupted by loving embraces
As I would secretly read the love notes
You would write on my flesh every chance you got
I realized I was in love with the presence of your words
And the feeling of your existence
Especially when your arms were wrapped tightly around my diffident body

But I do not think I was ever in love with you

Sometimes I feel like one of the books that sit on my bookshelf
Having yet to be read
Obtained long ago only to be immediately put away again
Forgotten
Lost amongst the others
Acquiring more and more dust as more and more time passes
And I wonder
Will anyone ever pick me up?
And delve into the words and worlds I hold deep inside
Fall in love with my tattered pages
And feel sad once they have read me cover to cover
Only to end up re-reading me again and again
Trying desperately to discover something new
To come back to me and flip through my pages
Returning to the underlined phrases
And reflecting upon the notes in the margins
Falling in love all over again
Will I ever become someone's favorite book?
One that will no longer be lost amongst the others
No longer long to be held
To be known
Will anyone ever love me so much
They will tirelessly read me over and over again
And never grow bored
Never grow tired
Carry me with them everywhere they go
Love me so much they will
Never leave me alone to gather dust again

You might as well just go ahead and say it
You need me like a bad habit, you crave me like an addict
But our future is an easy thing to define, we never even had it

I know you will never leave
And you know I'll always be there
I know you would agree
And you know I'll never compare

Although I am no longer in love with you, your effect on me will never weaken or fade
After four years, you'd think it would have already decayed
But instead, it chose to further invade

At least I know now, a love purer than the one we shared exists
But that doesn't change the fact that with you, even misery was bliss