I am surrounded by those who love me.
Yet I woke up this morning alone.
I don't know this feeling.
This lack of support.
I don't know how to cope.

My mind is plagued with doubt and fear.
Whenever the one I want to love comes near.
I cower from his pain, more so than my own.
Which is why I must handle this alone.

This bitter bite that's been leading to tears.
That has consumed my mind since New Years.
This lack of a feeling that I think I need.
That rooted worry that grows like a ****.

I want forgiveness for taking so long.
To have the time to right this wrong.
To start over and let my self fall.
To know that this wasn't worth nothing after all.

Death
On 9/11

Unhealthy food
In Seven-Eleven

Instagram-
"No thank you ma'am."

Television, news-
is society's bruise

Makes me wanna
drink** *****

Because

Probody's Nerfect.

I will let this happen.
I will wash all away.
I will melt into your body
as it keeps my mind at bay.
I will not over-think
I will not think at all.
I will simply enjoy it
let you leave me enthralled.
I will not question my feelings
I will not indulge the doubts.
I will let you remind me
what our love is about.
I will not weep anymore
unless the tears are of joy
or the beautiful fact
that you are my boy.

I pride myself on having excellent self-control.
When it comes to drugs and alcohol
I simply don't do drugs
and feel most comfortable drinking with my parents.

This doesn't make me a *****.
It just makes me self-aware.

In fact, I pride myself on being self-aware.
When It comes to emotions and ***
I identify my emotions
And I don't let my hormones pressure me into anything.

But that's just it.
How long can I keep that up?
My resolve is bending.
It's far from breaking, but I'm doubting my ability to hold it strong.

Like I said, your hand is literally burning into my side.
And I love it.
But I don't love you.

I can tell my options are multiplying and
the attention I get is expanding and
I am terrified of making the wrong choices.

I pride myself on self-control and awareness
but they just make me more ignorant.
I know what's going through my head
but I don't know what's going on with my body.

For now, I'll put you all in a box and observe you.
It's not because I don't want to be close to you,
It's because I literally have not ******* I idea what to do.
Literally no clue.

So I'll just wait to see who brings me Dahlias first.

I lay in bed as we both text Kelly asking if we're doing okay.

Today, I want to say things to your face. I want to look into your green eyes and tell you that you're doing a fine ******* job.

Today, I want you to tell me that I am beautiful and that you won't leave me when my hair becomes curly again.

Today, I want us to be perfectly honest in who we are and love very second of it.

Today, I want you to hold me and tell me how interesting I am and that I smell nice.

It's Dahlia season.
The bulbs are in full bloom.







It's Dahlia season.
And I still don't have you.

I want you to take care of me in every way you know possible.

You're growing fonder of me, I can tell.
But the position I'm in hurts like hell.

I love you.
I really think I do.
It may have always been there, or maybe it's something new.

We have nothing in common, you and I.
And to say I didn't care would be a lie.

We're just brown.
Together, in this white town.
That's the only reason you have me around.

You're cocky and scholastic.
genius and bombastic.

Capable of being more
Than the school system's *****.
I hope you discover all that life has in store.

I love you.
But I hate the things you do.

I don't want to be your mom.
I try hard to remain calm.
Even if I think this path is wrong.

You overt your eyes in the hall
And it drives me up the wall

Your dark hair and dark eyes.
The need for normal will be our demise.
Being brown friends is no compromise.

That's why I'm so ******* you.
Even though I don't mean to.

You're too busy with applications
And pursuing dull aspirations
You're lack of time for love fuels my frustration.

But for now I'll shut my mouth.
Let your plan play out.
I'll find other things for us to talk about.

Like how brown we are.

It takes every fiber of my being not to message you.
I want nothing more than to recieve

Something simple
Something sweet
Something I can devour and eat

That little green light that tells me you're there
makes me want to rip out my insides
and cut off my hair.

And just like that you're gone.
Not a message or beep.
Not a like on my status
or theoretical tweet.

You don't comment or post
You don't now how close
I am to losing my mind
over this boy
who's too skinny and uses chap-stick all of the time.

Just like that you're gone.
And I'm singing the same **** song
About the tall cynical boy
Who keeps me up all night long.

I hope the day comes when I can tell you

That I want to be the one that makes your hands stop shaking

Or your lips stop cracking

I want to tell you how good you look in your recessive genes.

I have food and shelter.
I have people to love
and be loved by.

But this love is expected
and casual and quaint.
One would assume there is no room for complaint.

I am surrounded by friends.
Their love is kind and serene.
Yet no one acknowledges the space in between.

While they are all close,
No one comes closer.
No one would dare lay their head on my shoulder.

The ones who do always have to leave.
I'm left with empty arms and a lonely spot to grieve.

Average girls get balloons and sweets.
They never ask, yet still receive.
Why can't those things be done for me?

I am tired of desire.
Of wanting to be wanted.
It's as if because I am strong, my emotions are forgotten.

Touch.
It's as simple as that.
A pet on my hair or a pat on the back.

This could cure my ailment.
Make me less alone.
I can no longer survive with chats on the phone.

So please,
Good friend of mine.
Hold my hand as I shutter and cry.

The simplest gesture,
one miniscule touch.
Even if you don't realize that it means so much.

I don't think you understand your actions.
No one has ever told me they loved me to my face.
Not like that.
Not someone like you.

And the worst part is: I can't even enjoy it.
That's not the love I wanted.
I can get that at home.

No, I don't want her to come with us.
Yes, I feel guilty about you buying me things.
No, I don't want you to drive me home;
It's a half hour in the other direction.  

There is nothing I can dislike about you.
And that makes it so much worse.

I brought you two large pizzas.
You only asked for one small.
You never thanked me.

It made me want to drive home without wearing a seat belt.

You know chicken is a premium topping, right?

What I would give for your attention.
I would give a lot.
What I would give to not have to give
for me to be in your thoughts.

What I would give for your affection.
I've given it much thought.
I would return the pencil you gave me
which doesn't happen a lot.

What I would give for you to look my direction
Without you thinking someone else it hot.
What I would give for an emotional connection
that would occur more often than not.

            What I would give to know what to give
                                           because I know your love can't be bought.

I am wasted on the idea of affection.

Of it I drink daily.
I sip and I sip
until my swollen heart aches in its lonely abiss

Many wonder why I weep so often.
But you could never know the pain of a hangover with a soul as drunk as mine.

****.
Eddie Eddie Eddie.
I'm just at this stop sign.
Minding my own radio stations and avocado smoothie.
Of course you pull up next to me.
Of course you look away casually.
Of course you're wearing a plain white tee.
And don't you look so good in it Eddie.
****.
So unfair.
My car is here and yours is there and
I'm trying not to stare but
How can I not be aware of my biggest crush? EVER?
With his blonde hair.
It never was fair how this black girl
Yearned for green eyes that never cared back girl.
While the sun is always on my mind
You come up sometimes and it's stupid.
"You stupid
****"
I think, sometimes.
Because she's little stupid-
The little girl who followed boys home.
The one who would wait for emails before we had phones.
The one who grew up and still doesn't know what the **** to do so she calls her mom in the parking lot asking for advice because she desperately wanted to follow him to his destination and learn everything about his day so she could better coordinate her outings in order increase her chances of seeing him again but she knows that's creepy and her mom says so too.
That girl, is dumb.
Eddie.
But you're dumb too.
You dumb ****.
No, you're smart and funny and so **** **** I want to **** my self.
I hate being so beautiful and so clueless that it goes to waste sometimes.
Eddie Eddie Eddie.
You make me really nervous.
So *******.

I miss lusting over boys who didn't want me back.
At least then I had an active imagination.
Now I feel nothing.
Nothing good, anyway.

I still reference you in conversations.
I still smell your flannels.
I wonder how soft your hair is today.
I kiss the walls of the shower just to hear the same pop our lips would make.
I wish I had endless pictures of your collar bones and eyes.
I wish I had endless access to your thighs and chest and that dot on your neck.
When I *** I say your name.
Your voice recordings aren't the same.  I want you to call and put me to sleep with your breath and I want this all without the repercussions.

I want you to be my friend.
And I want the benefit of you being my lover again.

Beloved Girl,
I need to be grateful for you.

I need to be grateful for all of the things you've done-
To make me feel better
To give me food and comfort
To tell me stories and answer my questions
To be there even when I didn't want you to be

I need to be grateful for you. And I need to apologize.

I need to apologize-
For when I snapped at you
For when I got my chair instead of getting your food
For when I became angry because they liked you too
Because I was afraid that they wouldn't like me anymore.

You are a star. A beautiful star that can drive me absolutely nuts because you just want us to see it.

But I do now.

I need to be grateful and I need to apologize
And I would like to thank you

Thank you for inspiring me.

Thank you for being a relentlessly good friend.

Thank you for sticking around until I found my gratitude.

You all complain.
But as my days in this house are numbered,
as the oaks begin to catch sunlight as if it were just for me,
I see now, more than ever before, that this is the most beautiful place.

I know by now you must be bored, but you don't see what I see.
I see the green and the green and the green again.
That bright green that only the god I half-heatedly believe in could have created.

I feel the sun that I've longed for in the rain that we so desperately need.
It's here now. It's here to tempt my inevitable return once I leave.
It's these trees I want. These oaks are the only ones that can please me.

I hear the crow of my boy, he's challenging me.
But I don't have the heart to tell him that our days are numbered.
My days in this house are numbered. And it's killing me.

I love this Valley. It's the only place I need.
It's here to tempt my inevitable return once I leave.

You make my skin crawl
In a neutral way.

You make me leave the room
Then wish I had stayed.

I think ill of you
Half off the day.

Yet I cling to every harsh
word that you say.

With you I'm either weak
or a raging *****.

Even though you're the one
with a tiny ****.

Crossing paths with you
lights my mind on fire.

Yet your not someone I've come
to love or admire.

Your an imperialistic
**** worshiping ****.

So someone please explain why
I feel like the schmuck.

"Let's rob a ******' bank."
we agreed.
"Let's rob a ******' bank!"
indeed.

You know that's against my rules
But the thought of doing it with you makes it acceptable.

**** these feelings.
**** that dream.

We didn't rob a ******* bank
but we danced
and you whispered
and I shivered
then woke up.

The brush of lips replay in my head
over
and over
and over
again.

Why do I fall for my friends?
I fall so hard yet in the end
I get nothing in return
but the weight of gravity
and the floor of reality
showing it was all pretend.

I know there's nothing wrong with me.
You just don't feel that way.
... maybe you do-
Maybe I'm just not cool
enough.

But I'd rob a bank with you.

I cannot be seen with a pear.

Not in this environment.
Where opinions torment
And my affections lay dormant.

My view of you is tainted
What was once reasonable restraint
Is now repulsion and complaint.

I am sorry, dear friend.
But I cannot stand the sight of you.
I wince at the thought of what we used to do.

No more Frank. No more Dean
I want my memory wiped clean.
I cringed when I remember the times you touched me.

The smack of lips is the worst.
From my mouth profanities burst.
It is a shame to think that of my first.

It was pleasant at the time.
But I have to draw a line.
Now I bare the burden of these visions in my mind.

Your smell still lingers.
That stupid ring on your finger.
No wonder we were terrible swingers.

I can bare to text.
but I refuse to sit next to you.

I am sorry to say
Away from me you must stay.
I don't want to see you anyway.

I could never be seen with a pear.
Because I'm superficial and I care
About what people think.

No, it's not fair.

I barely know you
In fact, I don't know you at all.
But you're there
And you're running your fingers through my hair.
You approach me
Stare into my eyes
You're closer now
Place your feet on either side of mine.
Brush the lint off my leg
Move the hair off my neck

Stop touching me.

Never stop touching me.

Put your hand behind my head
Press my face against your chest
Richard knows it's bad
And I know she'd be mad
But I can't help but need
Babe, I can't suppress my greed.
Conversation is cheesy
But the passion is easy.

I want to you to think I'm different
And ignore the girls in the distance.

I thought of you in the shower and I hope you think of me.

They all tell me wonderful things.

You're too beautiful.
You're too intimidating.
You're too smart.
You're too good for them.

It's not that I don't believe them,
   it's just that:

I'm too ******* lonely.

I've known you for five years.
We were best friends for four.
You were older by fifteen years.
But even at thirteen I loved you more
than any man I've ever met.
And I still do.
And I know that with each still birth your heart broke off another piece.
And I am sorry.

But that doesn't mean that I don't think about you every day.
And wish that eventually you will come out and say
I love you.

Because I will never stop loving you too.
Even if you never told me your last name.

Am I conceded if I suddenly love myself?

Am I conceded if think I'm beautiful?
Because I do.

I think I'm smart and witty and
so ******* wise.

I'm even starting to like my hair.


Does that make me conceded?

Jack Gerving
Jack Gerving
You are all too deserving
Of a slap in the face.

Jack Gerving
Jack Gerving
Not a slight bit discerning
And easy to hate.

Jack Gerving
Jack Gerving
You'd better start learning
Before it's too late.

Jack Gerving
Jack Gerving
Dreams of terrorists burning
Don't let them procreate.

Jack Gerving
Jack Gerving

Jack Gerving the Great.

We walked in and you were groggy
Laying in bed.
I wanted nothing more than to lay with you.
But instead I sat on the floor, pretending to admire the ceiling.

How ironic that you were wearing my favorite shirt of yours
White with blue and orange stripes.
It's the only thing about that evening that went as I had planned.
And even that was short lived.

Hayden felt at home and I felt alone.
Mike was somewhere in between.
I couldn't tell if you were surprised that I was in your room.
Maybe you were too tired to think.

But I wasn't.
So I sat there, next to the poster of Fergie
Pretending to admire the ceiling
Wondering if you'd let me clean the cobwebs in the corner.

It was a beautiful ceiling
Intricate and gold.
I couldn't imagine your room being any other way.
Fergie's *** was rubbing it in my face.

I followed everyone downstairs
they were waiting for a movie
but I was waiting for you.
I was afraid you had gone back to bed

You changed your shirt but didn't bother to fix your hair.
I like white button-ups
but not as much as the stripes.
You have very boney knees but I don't mind.

I wished I could say something clever like I  normally do.
But I just can't when I'm around you.
My thoughts were wasted or already used by someone else.
That was humiliating.

You wanted to drive with us to my house.
But you didn't bother put shoes on.
We held eye contact and it looked like you forgot how to smile.
That was the highlight of my evening.

"This house is beautiful"
was the first thing I said.
Hayden said something like "It's old as hell"
And you both went on to joke about the ghosts that built it.

You know you're desperate when you start taking quizzes on the internet that tell you whether or not he likes you.

Why is it you?
Of all people to have the ability to ruin me
why is it you? Bryan?

You're awkward and too tall
on top unmitigated gall
you're plain rude.

So why do I want you?
Bryan?

In my mind there's a collection
of every time you've shown affection
and

The slightest inclination
only heightens my determination
to trip you.

I want you to fall hard
for me. Bryan.

With every facebooked text
it's been my only request
for the whole year.

Did you notice?
Bryan?

When the smallest appreciation
left my pupils dilated
it's so degrading

When my faith in you is fading
more praise is awaiting
I am stuck in this net.

What's so unfair
is that you're not even aware
of what you do to me.

If I told you, would you love me?
Bryan?

I have a strong dislike for you.

At first it was fine.
You tried to cater and be kind.
Make me feel like your home was mine.
But now I must express why I hate you
half of the time.

You became clingy-
and it went downhill from there.

You make me want to be small again.
To shrink in size so that you may carry me
and wrap me up in your arms.

You make me want to be vulnerable.
To dream a nightmare so that you will hold me
and tell me it will be okay.

But the most beautiful thing
is that you don't need me to be small or vulnerable.
Because you do it anyway.

I miss the challenge
Someone to take me on
I miss heat- not warmth
Heat.
I miss wit and snark and sharp
Maybe even some deceit.
I miss lust.
I miss the simpler uncertainty.
Of whether or not they'd love me.
I miss the butter and the flies and the challenge of someone who dared to challenge me.
I miss maturity. I miss a man who would always be older than me.
I miss the hand I couldn't see leading me to what was never meant to be.
I miss being right when I wasn't supposed to be. I miss him.
I miss the power.
I miss the struggle.
I miss being small, trying to be tall.
I miss proving the excellence of everything I did.
I miss the praise from the audience.
I miss the ability to choose.
The ability to lose.
I miss the crew that always knew I was the ****. Hit or miss.
I miss the fire and the unguilty ability to tell a faceless name "no".

But I can't anymore. Because he's good for me.
I have to say yes.

Hello, cute boy from my English class.
Who makes up secret handshakes and tolerates my laugh.
I thought you were common, simply sporty and tall.
But resent discovery shows that's not right at all.

Love blooms in winter, and I'm noticing some rain.
It begins to hail and snow when someone says your name.
I can no longer write poetry and my homework is past due.
My mind is too distracted with the need to talk to you.

So let us talk, my dear. Let us conversate.
Let's talk for so long we get to class late.
Today's a conversation but tomorrow is a kiss.
In your eyes I see the future and in your hands I'll find my bliss.

"That's all I can say"
You said.

I told you that was okay.
"No worries."
I didn't know what I wanted you to say...

Okay yea I did.

If I responded with "I'm doing good."
You'd say "You're doing well."

If I said "Oh! The king from Thor was-"
You'd say "Odin. His name is Odin."

If I asked "What did you think of the movie?
You'd say "It was terrible. The dialogue was atrocious, the plot was  sloppy, the actors were bellow par and I hated the fact that they both survived"

If I told you "I love you."
You'd say "I know"

You're just so Vulcan...
But I've always liked Vulcans.