I found
it hard
it's hard
I found
no reason
found
no rhyme
I guess
I like
the way
it tastes
when you
throw it all
in my face
I'm not a monster
nor a man
I'm not sure what
to think I am
I'm not the same
as you, you see
there's nothing human
left of me
I hardly talk,
I hardly feel
sometimes I question
what is real
can't leave the house,
I have no friends
is this the way
my story ends?
I'm tired as hell
about to quit
I'm sure no one
would give a ****
what kind of ******* life is this?
I'm not alive, I just exist

.
.
.



**I tried
to take the pill
but
it stuck
in the back
of my throat
and it tastes like
the lips
of a lover
I thoughtlessly
kissed
right after
they went to work
tasting every inch
of my love,

unfortunately

.
.
.



*she comes to me on a September's breeze
and dries up the August air
with shorter days and longer nights

she tempts me to sleep in, and stay in
with December mornings
and the occasional storm

then she gets me drunk on animal fats
and lures me out into the November rain
with red skies and talk of Indian summers

.

.

.


have you ever built a castle
high and mighty, out of sand
to slip and when you stumble
have it crumble in your hands?

the memory of what should be
will haunt you every day
without the hope you once had
you can never be the same

the worst part is you know that
there is nothing you can do
and nothing else to blame
the only variable was you

have you ever caught a glimpse of something that you can't describe
that makes you feel like you belong
and makes you feel alive?

but you can only get so close
no matter how you try
and lust for what you'll never have
it just tears you up inside

so off you go, in search of things
that might make you forget
but everything you find will
only lead to more regret

.

it's like finding an exciting new disease
that you never knew
you couldn't live without

it becomes your spirituality
after a "spiritual experience"
affecting everything you do

you're on the path to destruction
and you chase things that leave you empty
like impossibilities

you spiral down, down
until you reach the bottom
and there's no one to break your fall

..

after being down for long enough
your anxieties are replaced with apathy
to where up and down look the same

and if you're very lucky, someone may come along and make a huge impact
somewhat restoring your will to live

gratitude turns to love, love to obsession
as they become more valuable to you
than anything else in your existence

...

determined to be enslaved no longer
you cast aside your old, toxic friends
in favor of healthier choices

with a sizeable chunk of your life missing
you are left with a hungry void
that must be filled with something

so you take up a hobby, or several
and feel some contentment, but it don't last
you're trading one addiction for another

....

your demons haven't gone, but
you find you can keep them contained
if you can keep yourself busy

they're too weak to fight, but they will still
try to trick you into submission
by manipulating your dreams

and even with all the will you can muster
you find that you are basically powerless
and your higher power is tired of your ****

...and it will always be a part of you

.

.

.

.

.

.

it's 4th period

the warning bell rings

and I'm still in my locker

not knowing which books I need

or where I need to be in 1 minute

but I wouldn't dare ask anyone


a figure approaches

it's black,

formless,

and it floats down the hall

towards me


a vague sense of impending doom

floods my senses

and I'm unable to move

as the figure floats up to me

and my eyes catch the glint of steel


I'm bleeding out, now

holding my guts in my chest

as I call out for help

to the hundreds of other students

but I can't make a sound


my lips move,

but there's nothing coming out

and the color is fading

from my surroundings


the light, too is slowly fading

and I collapse to the floor

as the hundreds of students walk past me

completely oblivious

..and then I wake


**VI

.

.

things that

slither,


things that

fly ,


and hieghts

are pretty bad,

but


friends,

family,

fans,

acquaintances,

enemies

just simply forgetting

my existence

is by far

my worst fear

*****

.

.

I'm

drawn to the smoke

like a moth

to the flame


and I can't control myself

I have to take it into my lungs

until I'm lighter

than a fine piece of cloth


you see, things are just better

if you look at them from the right angle


and it helps to get a good bit

of "**** it" in my system

to deal with life's tangles


**X

.

in this dingy cell of my own creation
there really isn't much to hope

it is cold, dimly lit
and the only thing they serve
is hopelessness
with a side of regret

but there's still a ray of hope
I lost the key,
but the door and it's hinges are rusted
from the seething hatred they contain

this place will not become my tomb

**XVII

shades of green turn to rust
as the pulse of life relaxes
and the days get shorter

finally, some relief from the sticky air
the weather is just right
for a few hours of a few days of the week

chilly mornings, cold rains
and a bountiful harvest
that stains my lungs black and sticky

as colors slowly slip away
the warmth that fully filled my lungs
is being replaced with shallow, icy breaths

**I

cold,

hard and damp

imprisoning all that it surrounds

turning it dull

.

that space in-between

darkness and light

that's not always

so easy to define

.

.

.

.

I'm going to do some traveling

but I won't get too far

I've got an ounce of madness, and

an Epiphone guitar


3 20s in my wallet, so

it won't be long, you see

and I feel like I need someone

to come along with me



so come with me into the waters

I need some company

we'll cast this heavy world aside

and float on apathy



so follow close, don't lose your step

I think I have a plan

we do this right and things

will never hurt the same again

I'll be there for you

...

when it works out for me

but,

I don't feel like

feeling

anymore

so

I'm gonna

take

a step back

and try

to just

"be"










I'm pretty sure

the universe

won't

miss me

too much

I'll be back

when I

feel more like

"adulting"

She told me she don't want me,
yet she was willing
to drive*
seven hours
*from Pennsylvania
to take my dogs

I'm unsure of myself
I'm...
in need of some help
I can't
stand to be late
and I can't gain any weight


I have some really bad teeth
and I talk in my sleep
and
I'm still quite disturbed
but I'm pretty good with words

I've been
over 6 weeks clean
but I'm not sure what it means
am I a monster or a man?
I don't know who the **** I am

I'd rather struggle than to ask
how to complete a simple task
so I don't quite do what I could
and don't learn lessons like I should

my friends say I'm a literal fire
my clan says I'm a pro dragon flyer
it's safe to say that I'm the man
when it comes down to Clash Of Clans

I know my way around six strings
I'll even kinda-sorta sing
and I can analyze for days
but I don't understand my ways

I think I may
just need some help
I love you more
than life, itself

there's nothing that
I wouldn't do
to make sure I
wake up to you

I put my future
in your hands
let you take care
of all my plans

I just hope "we"
don't take too long
but then, you've never
steered me wrong

I'm a singer
with a bad case of mic fright
I'm a writer
trying to see by the moonlight
I'm a speed metal guitarist
without a pick
I'm an expert drummer
with a broken stick

I guess what I
am trying to say
Is I haven't always
been this way
I can do it myself

but sometimes,
I might need some help

I have some trouble
getting through
but that missing piece,
I find

**is you

__ grant me the serenity
to forgive all my enemies

grant me the courage,
and the strength
to never take another drink

I need some of your wisdom,
too
to never lose my faith in you

I'll carve your name upon my wrist
to make sure that I don't forget

but I've no cash
for more tattoos
so Sharpie will just have to do

a simple stripe,
a simple band
a couple dots across my hand

so to the world,
it's plain to see
that you have left your mark on me

and you may think it's kinda odd
that this prayer doesn't mention God

I put my faith in something real
the most profound thing I can feel

there's no one I would place above
the one I'm always thinking of

I'm staring daggers
bleeding inside

&

I'm torn and tattered
dead inside

behind this smile
broken teeth

I'm

still losing weight
still losing sleep

silently crying
out for help

I

make everything
about myself

you'll never know
how much I need you

because

all I show
is I don't see you

*but I see more
than you might think

I dropped the ******
I quit the drink

I'm never right
I'm never wrong

you'll see the light
before too long

but I'll be gone
before that comes

to all that's wrong
I will succumb

I beg my friends
don't come around

please don't jump in
just let me drown

but no one cares
so why should you?

I'm going down
so you won't, too

released as ash
into the air

the flames devoured
all we shared

I searched the wreckage
nothing there

it's just too much
our cross to bear

we grasp at hope
it's not too late

but all we seem to find
is hate

it seems that's all
the fire spared

guess that's all
that we still share

anesthesia
and opioid dreams

rolled-up smokes
and guitar strings*

with rotting mind
and rotting teeth

I'm losing weight
I'm losing sleep

cut me open
sew me up

the pain I feel
is not enough

give me something
more to feel

try to persuade me
this is real

I've spent so much
time on my own

that I'm afraid
it's left me cold

I'm a monster
so I'm told

my loyalties are
bought and sold

look in the mirror
I'm repulsed

I check my wrist
can't find a pulse

this corpse I wear
is just a shell

that keeps me locked
inside this hell

with runny nose
and bloodshot eyes

I sit alone
and wait to die

but it seems death
will never come

*or have I already
succumbed?

you may think I didn't want you
and maybe you were right
there must be some other reason
that I'm up so late at night

I need you more than anything
more than you'll ever see
I still don't know what to do
without you here with me

was
feeling

D
O
W
N

but,
now
I don't
f
  e
     e
         l

anything,  really

until
my fingers
are too sore
to mash
the strings

Smoked out,
I'm choked out
I'm feeling kinda dumb
my eyes look like they're gonna bleed
my face feels kinda numb

I hope nobody spoils
all this happiness I've found
it might just **** up everything
to have someone around

listening to the radio
just tryin' to let my mind flow
I feel this sense of dread
And I'm paralyzed
'til I realize
it's all just in my head

day-dreams
in color
as hours fly on past
the only thing I don't like
is that it don't really last

but that's okay, I figured out
exactly what to do
I'll just pack another bowl
about every hour or two

somehow
I was drawn to her
or was she drawn to me?
a spark ignited
and we made some
intense poetry

wrote some that would
blot out the moon
some took away the sun
some were deathly serious
and others
just for fun

The form was fine,
the rhymes were good
and everything was nice
but one day
tuat mighty flame
just flickered and it died

and things got ugly,
awkward,
and more than a little dark
and everything just
went to ****
without that glorious spark

and pretty soon,
you had to go
you left me with no choice
but sit and try to find the words
now that you took my voice

I told her that I'd be
all hers
but,
I guess she had enough
and something that was
beautiful
*was quickly turned
to *****

-

bud and coffee

2 am

this hopeless feeling

sinking in

--

my mind is racing

going nowhere

a sense of dread is hanging

in the stale and sticky air

---

I feel a chill

I can't explain

as my head starts to ring

I feel a set of eyes on me

and I can hear her screams

----

and there's nobody else here

but

I'm still not by myself

because I can still hear her voice

still crying out for help

-----

I see her tears

I hear her cries

I feel all of the hate

I feel the disappointment from

* when I came back too late

------

I feel her eyes upon me

as they burn into my soul

I feel the pain I caused her*

as it's darkening my soul

-------

see shadows racing

through my house

or are they in my head??

I wonder if I've made

some sort of contact with the dead

--------

should be in bed

3 hours ago

I know this much for certain

or should I smoke another bowl

*and watch the blinds and curtains?

I promised

I would be all yours

but I just can't help but share

and I know

that it isn't right

I know it isn't fair


I promised

that I wouldn't drink

promised

that I wouldn't smoke

and here I am

useless again

as I sit

and watch you choke


I know

I also

*promised you

that I would not be dumb

but the sad truth is that

I can't do life

unless I'm numb


I know I could have had it all

I ****** it all away

and now I know

she's too far gone

there's nothing left to say

I keep thinking
the way I've been thinking
so,
I keep feeling
the way I've been feeling

I keep feeling
the way I've been feeling
so,
I keep doing what I've been doing

I keep acting
the way I've been acting
so,
I keep getting
what I've been getting

I packed some books,
a change of clothes
got 10 bucks to my name
it's not much,
but it's all I have
and half of it's in change

without a destination, though
I'm sure I won't get far
but all I'll have to carry
is a bag and a guitar

my phone bill comes out in a week
I don't think I can pay
I guess I'll figure something out
I always find a way

went to the dentist, faced my fears
extractions left me shedding tears
but much to even my surprise
they only flowed from my right eye

I'm wired kinda strange,
you see
I think
there's something wrong with me
some things that most don't like to feel
can really give me quite a thrill

you can punch me in the face
'til blood is all that I can taste
you can scratch me,
brand me,
bite me
but all that **** will just excite me

after the dentist stitched me up
and wiped blood from my cheeks
I asked her when I could return
and she told me 2 weeks

I'm terrified, but I can't wait
to me it was the perfect date
I can't explain the reason why
but that **** makes me feel alive

I'm wired kinda strange you know
those pliers had me set to blow
I bet I am the only one
who thinks that kinds **** is fun

that day my worries were erased
and I could barely feel my face
and I could swear I fell in love
*or was it just the loss of blood?

**** rolls downhill
and I'm stuck at the bottom
the smell of fresh air
I've spread forgotten

and all my efforts to ascend
just lead me to frustration
the best that I can hope for now
is bouts of constipation*

warm, fresh blood across my tongue
is all I can hope to taste
from all the times I've tried to climb
and got kicked in the face

my teeth are rotting from my skull
they're coming out today
it seems my body's breaking down
but I guess that's okay

I often sit and wonder if
I'll live to twenty-five
without someone to reassure me
everything is fine

the story of my life so far
is like a Country song
with nothing meaningful to say
and it takes way too long

she said she loved me for my heart
but I knew that was fleeting
because sometimes I just can't tell
if it's still even beating

my teeth are rotting from my skull
my Muse has left me, too
there's always
something breaking down
and nothing I can do

and at this point, I just don't care
if I should live or die
with nobody around
to tell me reassuring lies

I'm left without the only thing
that ever made me strong
so everything is ****** now
just like a Country song

she said she loved me for my heart
but it's no longer beating
but why am I still leaking out?
how could I still be bleeding?

from day to day
I live my life
trying to avoid distractions
the modern world
and all it's noise
aren't to my satisfaction

I find no reason,
find no rhyme
in these advanced
and backward times
but I have found a time machine
it's in my yard
the trees

I hear
the whispers
of the stream
that runs
not far below my feet
far from the toxic,
*high-tech toys
that make that
high-pitched
buzzing noise

those LED lights
*flood my brain
magnetic fields can leave me drained
but plants
exude an energy
*that can recharge my batteries

I gave myself to a higher power
and she left the other night
she grew displeased when I refused
to make the sacrifice


and though I still cry out to her
she doesn't hear my pleas
but I don't have to sleep alone
because she haunts my dreams


I admitted I was powerless
and I confessed my plight
I had my life all figured out
until she left that night


I still can't wrap my head around
how things are what they seem
I wonder when I think of her
if she still thinks of me


I decided I'd get sober, but
now I don't see the point
I think I'll have myself some beer
and smoke a couple joints


got alcohol to sterilize
and herb to ease my pain
but we already know that I
can never be the same


without my higher power, now
I'm helpless* *in my plight
and it all made such perfect sense
**until she left that night

well

...

I was pickin a diddly
on my gittinfiddle
the other day

'cos, well...
I'm a gittinfiddler

and as soon as I gripped
my fiddler
and picked,
just hard enough
to tickle the diddly-hole
a little bit
all of the sudden
it
let out
the single most
gittinfiddlediddliest
sound
that had ever
violated
my tender
juicy
ear holes


**** was crazy

anyways,
I didn't miss a stroke
as I fiddled out
the remainder
of that diddly
on my gittinfiddle
with my fiddlediddler
right in the sweet spot
...

just far enough
from the diddly-hole

and the result*
was
******'
gittinfiddlediddlilicious