I'm at war with myself
Duck! and cover your head.
Don't get hit,
Save yourself
before you try to save me.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel
for if there wasn't
it would be a cave
and you would be stuck.

I want to run away from me
To a magical land, somewhere safe.
Away from all the pain I cause
from the tears I force and the veins I...

I want to run away from here
from the thoughts I have that make me shake
and the fear that comes to take me deeper
into a hole I cannot feel the bottom of
but I lay in all the same.

Just let me run away from home
or rather,
let me run away from me.

But away from home first of all
so the wreckage is nothing I can see.
I cannot see the friends I leave
or tears I surely cause.
You see,
I know it's all my fault,
but I'll let them know
when I run
away from me.

I know that people love me.
It's just that

the most important one.


Doesn't.

I don't know where
it stops


or


starts


starts. starts. starts.
Again.
And Again.

Writing TO DO list.
-Laundry
-Dishes
-Bills
-**** Myself



And the pen

.

The hand hovers and the mind ___


-Bills
-Kgul Mytyfw
-BILLS
-Sweep
-Mop

Waiting my turn in
----------------------------- line
for the golden star
from Self-Gratification.

Now to find the shortest aisle.

I never imagined
I never could have thought
After all this time
Of not talking
Of not seeing
One little look that one day
Would turn on the light
To your home
In my heart

and then i imagine
when i’m up and
you try to
talk me down

you have so much to live for
you don’t have to tell me that
i know my dreams and goals
the things i’ll never reach

your family loves you
i know they do
of course they do
and they’ll be crushed

you’re talking to a girl
holding on by a thread
crying the ugly cry
just about to try and fly

i’ve created scenes
sounded sirens
stopped the traffic
stepping over the railing

played it back
again
and
again

you have so much to live for
we can get you help
you aren’t alone
your family loves you

it’s nothing new
and something known
just go a little deeper
i don’t even want to do this

but i have to.

And for some odd reason she hasn't had her coffee

                                                         ­                   And for some strange reason
                       she's hanging upside down

                                                                     And if for some little particle of time you see her right side up

                      Tell her hi for me and give her this little bitty cup

Retreating to the known and dangerous.
Easing into the normalcy of generated lines.
Letting the red tears run in place of the salt water ones.
Allowing myself to enjoy the comfort of pain.
Pain strikes but is welcomed at the gate.
Shutting out the emotions instead.
Eyeing them outside the window, wishing they would wash away.

Showing the mirror what I’ve done.
Under the black cloud of shame and guilt.
Creating a place of daggered walls and floors.
Kicking yourself just to make you learn.
Silently wishing for death to come.

I don't want to be me.
ME.
Miserable
Emptiness.

I look at you and see the happiness I wish I had.
The love for everyone you see.
I start to cry for my hopeless wishing
to be happy once again.

I write on paper all the things
I wish I had again.

Happiness
Love
Determination

Now all I want
is to write a new letter
to you.

A letter saying,
"I'm sorry for all I've done"
"I'm sorry for what I'm about to do"
"I'm sorry I can't do it anymore"
"I'm sorry I've lost my fight"

What should I do when I want to die?
Don't.
It's not that easy.
It never is, is it?
Never.

One day I’ll take a picture.
Of myself.

Or you will take that picture.
And it will be of me.

This picture won’t be pretty.
No matter how hard I try.

This picture will have features
That I’ve always tried to hide.

One day there’ll be a photo
Of me sitting down.
Holding out my arms for you
And showing all my thighs.

A photo of myself
And all I’ve ever hated.

The photo of the day I say,
“I’m proud of where I’ve been.”
“I’ve won the war I’ve been in.”

I’m losing the battle with depression.
This sickness of my mind.
It’s taken over all of me in ways you cannot see.
The demons in my soul and the darkness of my heart.
“Pretend” symptoms that cannot be measured.
Only those with the illness understand.

I’m losing the battle with my illness.
Feeling my body giving in.
Slower movement with a hugged in body.
Eyelids drooping down.
A paler face from the never sleep.
I do look sick.
But maybe from a cold.

I’m losing the battle with an illness.
The illness appears as a cold.
But there is no sniffling nose around.
Instead, hidden tears and ****** arms.
My hair is not falling out.
My body is not attacking itself.
All in all I don’t look sick.

I’m losing my body to depression.
I’m losing my health and soul.
I’m taking the blood from my heart.
With hopes of ridding the body of the bug.
Inside I feel the darkness.
Inside I feel the cold.

I’m losing this battle.
No matter how hard I fight.
I’ll lose one day.
And be taken from this life.

I feel the weight on my shoulders.
So I hide under the table.
Let the wood take the crushing world.
And allow me time to sleep.
Lie down on the shaggy floor.
While the makeshift roof is cracking.
Melt into the floor for once.
Becoming something new.
No longer am I human
But a part of something bigger.
My body has disappeared
From the harmful world.
There is no more crushing
The world cannot find me anymore.

TV turned on
with lights turned off.
Lying in the bed
your arms around me.
Kissing my neck
and touching my *******.
I turn and climb on top of you
and kiss your bearded mouth.
We breathe together
and move together.
Two beings not in love
acting as one.
Not making love
but having ***.

Wake up and see
his muscled back.
While I am cold
and silent.
We move and dress
to start the day
on our different ways.
Expecting nothing
I leave your bed
returning to my own.

One day after I receive a text,
"Hey. How are you?"
What I thought would be
a one night stand
has turned into something else.

A multiple night stand.

My tears are starting to burn
     a river of lava... flowing

destroying

          the once beautiful forest.

BUT.

We all know
        that only fire
     can create a perfect environment
   for new trees
            to reach the sun.

I HOPE.

It is the same for
            this
                 lowly
                      human
                            soul.

I wash the clothes
and fold them too.
I take the dishes
and load them up.
I look at closets
and organize jackets.

I do the chores
mom usually does.
Parents thank me
and smile at my work.
To them I'm getting better
and working to be better.

Little do they know
that when I do housework
my live is spiraling more
and all I am doing
is making things easier
for when I am gone.

My name is not Christina.

My name is darkness.
My name is depression.
My name is anxiety.

My name...
is full of problems.

My name is broken.
My name is sad.
My name is harm.

To myself and to others.
My name spells out "suicidal."

My name is not my own.
I share my name with many others.

My name is your name
and your name is my name.
With little spelling differences.

We are a family.
Together coping
and trying to survive.

Our family,
who is in so much pain,
and want to love themselves,
who love each other,
but cannot see
why
the others love us.

We are a family
where our names are not our own.
And I am part of that family.

My name is not Christina.

My name is your name.
Our name is trying,
our name is hope,
our name is work.

Our names are the same
and that name is
desire
to get better.

And together,
we can.

We.
Can.
Do.
This.

Our family,
the family we have
where all our names are same.

We can do this.
We,
who are all the same.

Because I believe you can do this.
And I know you believe I can do this.
So with our beliefs in each other
we can all do this.

We,
the siblings,
will lean on each other
for strength,
for love,
for hope,
for compassion,
for sympathy,
for knowledge,
for understanding.

This family is strong
in it's broken heart
and broken soul.

Our family is different.
It does not run through our veins.
But runs through water
of tears running down our faces,
blood running down our limbs,
of pain running through our souls.

We are a family,
and together,
we can survive.

My name is not Christina.

My name is not Christina.

You will tell me,
my name is not broken,
my name is not depression,
my name is not anxiety.

You will tell me,
my name is happiness,
my name is soulful,
my name is bright,
my name is beautiful.

My name is Christina.

And I will tell you,
your name is beautiful,
your name is strong,
your name is bright,
your name is loving.

Your name is [insert name here].

We are a family of broken souls
just trying to get better
and together,
we can.

My name is Christina.
And I am part of this family.

Your name is [insert name here].
And you are part of this family.

We will work together
through problems,
through heartbreak,
through sadness,
through numbness.

We are a family.

Who,
as individuals
may feel weak
but together are strong.

We are a family.

We are a family.

If I could write a letter to my mom and tell her the truth...
how liberating and sad it would be.

Dear mom if I take my own life,
don't be afraid of the word suicide.
There were inner demons I could never beat.
Who left their claw marks on my sleeve.

Dear mom if I die, I hope that you're not sad.
Because I'm finally done with the life that so brutally hurt me.

Dear mom I love you so.
And I wish that you knew that taking my life was never about you,
but the darkness in my soul.

Dear mom I know that you believe in a God who won't give you more than you can handle.
But if this is true then why
is it that I want to die?
Because I've had so much more than I can handle.
And I just can't fight anymore.

Dear mom I don't want to alarm you
to the truths lying in wait
in the caverns of my soul

But.

Dear mom I'm dying inside
and I can't take it anymore.

Dear mom tonight I'll say goodnight
and whisper how I love you.
Then go and be alone
to try to stay alive
for just one more hellish night.

W
    r
       i
          t
             e

On the diagonal
To see a new angle of life.

                                         N
                                      o
                                   w             T
                                                h
                                             e             O
                                                          t
                                                       h
                                                    e
                                                 r

Just look at how things change.

             NOW SCREAM!!!
To show the world you're here to stay.

                                    now whisper
To show the world you have respect.

Change the way you see and speak
To find another's
Point of View.

Dear child with bright blonde hair,
and shining blue eyes,
you have tough times ahead.

You'll fall and cry and get back up
in a time when the worst thing in the world
is a scraped up knee.

You'll grow up loved
in a family that is strange
but you'll learn,
all families are.

You'll find your siblings
and hate the differences.
These little ones will make
you cry.

But love them anyway.

Even when she hates you.
Even when he hits you.

There are reasons.
You'll understand one day,
and it will make you cry.

But child, do not fret
for you have best friends
and passions.

You'll make your own adventures
climbing trees,
exploring bones of homes,
going by yourself.

You'll smile so much
your entire face will hurt.
The adults will look at you
and smile because this little girl
is just so happy.

Dear me,
Your childhood will be amazing,
full of wonder,
with some sprinkles of pain.

And you will look back
and smile.

Lovely Woman,

You are beautiful even
when you think you are not.

You cannot see your smile
or the way your eyes sparkle
or hear the way your laugh sounds
to me.

Strong Woman,

You are not a ***** or a ****
for getting what you want.
Stand tall, head held high
even when there's a weight
holding you down.

I see your dreams and pain
through these pages.
These amazing words
show me your soul.

Lovely Woman, Strong Woman, Just a Woman.

Who is strong no matter where you go in life.

Dear Sir,

I think you are beautiful.

Because your eyes sparkle
Because your laugh smiles
Because your soul shines

Kind Sir I look at you
or I do not.

I see through these pages
Stories of pain and loss
Stories of joy and love

And through these pages I see you.

Kind Sir. Dear Sir. Just a Man.

Who is beautiful too.

I want to scream and yell
at you, Reader

"Why do you see the longer ones
and skip over them?"

These are the words I wrote
with my heart and soul
for you to read.

"Why do so many get a reading
when they are shorter than them above?"

These are words I quickly found
that do have meaning
but only in those seconds.

I wish you would become a reader
of longer, lingering thoughts.
Then you'll see into my soul
in different ways than I understand.

But truth be told,
I should yell at myself
for doing the same to you.

I've always been confused
by media's personifications of Life.

A beautiful woman
                          whose skin is flawless
                          whose face is symmetric
                          who has no faults

She, Life, is perfect and clean.

How life truly is not

A depiction of Life I give you now,
one not so perfect as She before.

                                           Skin and features of many
                                           taking in the best and worst.
                                                    A being who is strong and weak
                                                    visibly ill while being well.
                                A being who is beautiful in it's -u-g-l-i-n-e-s-s-
                                or rather,
                                a being who is beautiful in it's uniqueness.
                                      
A being who is not perfect,
but strives to be.
A being who is not commonly pretty,
but true to the mixture of
                                 Pain and Sorrow
with
                                 Ease and Joy.

Now I am sure you depict
Life a different way.
But how truthful all these depictions are

for life is different to everyone.

I find the pit in my stomach
and the tears running down my face.
I feel the tearing of my heart
and the pressure on my soul.

If only I could find a way
to paint a happy girl.
Then I could paint that ******* me
and become the thing you desire.

Instead I find the darkest pit
and fall in to it's comforting blanket.
To show myself the darkest corners
and wish for just a match.

To fall is to be alone and jump
without you there to pull me back.
I can't show you my blackened soul
unless you understand the consequence.

This music you call loud
disastrous
scary
is the friend I have
who understands
when I'm too scared
to talk to you.

The employees talk of lives
outside of work.
Then talk of work and lives
within these walls.
The patrons sit on their own
thinking of their own lives.
Then look up and make contact
with another.
And for just a second
they wait together.

It's funny how emotions
are what rule our heart.
And how these old friends
can ruin your perfect day
by reminding you of the years
you were bullied
and you were the bully.

He's taken all of my firsts.

My first date.
My first hand hold.
My first kiss.
My first love.
My first make out.
My first time I was touched.
My first breakup.
My first true hatred.
My first true forgiveness.
My first friend with benefits.
My first *******.

Will he also be my first?

Chocolate cake with icing same
and candles full of color.
Lights are off and fire on
singing to me from you.
Happy birthday, dear Christina
now you're 22.
Make a wish and make it good
I promise, it will come true.
But my wish is one I cannot work for
it's about my soul.
To be happy with myself again
without any help from you.