I swear I’ve forgotten about you
Hours and days turned into months
without the torturous memory
of what you once were to me

But yesterday,
you revealed yourself to me in a dream
I was merely an observer taking in your beauty

Even in my sleep I couldn’t touch you
There was a great distance separating us,
but I could still see you, feel you

I saw all the parts of your life
where I no longer existed,
your new friends and the cities you visited
Till I was awakened by my burning jealousy

I’m sorry I couldn’t forget,
but you’re my first memory

I’m sorry you left,
it’s brutal how you
were able to forget
as I kept remembering,
bleeding,
and remembering still

I beg of you to forget me,
so I can forget me too

Let me keep my life,
and you keep yours

I pretend that my heart doesn’t sink
when I remember, only fragments of you

I pretend to want this life
even when I can no longer stomach it

I pretend not to notice my scars
underneath my new green skirt

I pretend to be alive
despite my decaying soul

I admit, you are no longer my muse,
nor the subject of my growing pains

But who am I to write to,
if not to you?

No heart dares to hold
such tenderness as yours

And no other soul can
understand my lines,
but yours

So tell me, love,
what must I do?

You called for me
after I uttered your name
in a passing conversation,
but it’s too late now, father

You see,
I’ve already drank
your poison,
I savored it to the last drop

It’s in my bloodstream,
it’s in my hollow stomach,
it’s pouring over
everything that I am today

My soul is mine,
you can’t touch it,
it’s achingly burning from a
fire I can’t extinguish alone

Your name is laced
with mine, I’m sorry
I couldn’t forget you

But please let me
keep my soul,
It’s mine,
but can I keep it?

It burns me,
let me keep it anyway

All I did is sit and yearn
in the gnawing loneliness
your silence left me with

Oh, you clueless frigid thing
Do you know I ached for you once?

I will never confess to
such sins of the heart

But I pray that you lose
your breath over my absence,
and forget how to dream

I wish I could make returning
home feel like a gentle burial

I don’t want to be
reminded of the time

Don’t stare at my empty wrists,
I have lost my watch long ago

But I’m still here, always here,
so is the lump in my throat

Before the night ends, and we
make our soon to be last goodbyes

Ask me to stay,
don’t let me return to my grave again

Because, I fear I won’t be
able to leave it this time

I long to remain dead,
but ask me anyway

A home
can be a grave,
or a lover’s embrace

I want to return to a home
where the air smelled
of only her scent

I want my day to start
with her yellow laughter

And end it with her crimson mouth
laced with my bruised mouth

A dream about you
telling me the meaning behind
your name in painful details

But darling, I have already
memorized it by heart
as a prayer from a faithless soul

You who taught me
that I can write such loving lines
only if it is you reading them

But now I ruin myself
because I know no matter
how many brutal lines I write

I will never get to see
your face light up
as you read them

I would give up heaven,
and worship her instead

I would give up heaven
to suffer through her hell

As long as I am
with my cruel angel

Oh, burn me
mighty one

I never truly belonged to myself—
not even once
—ever since I met her.
I was hers to claim;
completely and painfully hers.
I began to disintegrate when
she no longer cared for me.
Every part of me she once traced
with her finger has crumbled.
Only her touch can mold me back together.

She wanted me to stay
with the living, and I obeyed.
I have the scars to prove it.
Look, darling, I am bleeding
and bumping full of life and desire.
Ask for me and you shall find me,
alive, hungry, and waiting for you.
Though it is my true wish to leave,
I will not disobey her command.
I am awaiting my punishment,
or reward for staying even after she left.
I wonder what my punishment would be
when she knows that I almost fell for another.
That I was someone else’s reason for staying.
That their breathing changed
the closer I got to their hungry flesh.
Even the deepest part of hell knows
that I still long for her impossible commands.
My knees are bleeding,
but I keep pleading for her words to posses me.

Oh, what I would give for your grace,
if only you ask of me

I am an ocean of sacrifice when
it comes to you, my day and night

And so I shall bleed for you
till you ask me to stop

And I will still love you
even if you ask me to stop

And I will keep yearning for you
till my breathing stops

And if the day comes where
my love does not move you

Then I beg you to rid me of this old thing,
hold my heart, and bury it gently next to yours

The sun and I both
burn for his morning face

We await his cold almond eyes,
and crooked lips
to greet us each morning

But he’s sharing his light
with another soul,
but mine

I wish to know how many cigarettes
must I burn till my burning longing  
reaches his frigid heart?

The cigarette hasn’t left
my ugly mouth
ever since yours left mine

Now I cannot speak
without pouring
as a frightening  rainy night
I cannot love
without burning
my heart and yours
I cannot breathe
without gasping for your scent
I cannot think
without remembering
the meaning behind your name

And I cannot eat
without being consumed
by my unsatisfiable hunger

For you,
I starve

A heart is a torturous
thing to hold, alone

Will you carry mine?
Can you?
If I asked you to swallow it
Would you?

I’m all swallowed up,
I tried to be easier to hold
I did it for you, my darling one
But I am a creation
that cannot be named

My blood seeps of poison,
and I still long to be dead

Be my moon
all-night long,
I promise I will never sleep

I long to sleep next
to your moonlight face,
if only you’d let me

The closest thing I can reach for
is this harmful glowing cigarette

I tend to worship the
things that burn me

You burn me

I burned for you,
but my love’s flame
was suffocating you

Our hearts were
scattered ashes,
I’m sorry I couldn’t
carry yours gently

I’m sorry for looking
like a stormy night
when you saw me tonight

I know, I know you didn’t notice  
the trail of blood you left behind
after we stopped speaking

I admit, I’m half glad
that you let me fade
with all my yearnings

You still exist in my dreams,
and for years I couldn’t escape
your gaze even with my eyes closed

I know, I know I can never have you
Even if you gently twist me in
your arms, and forget to let go

The distance between us doesn’t
bruise my heart any longer,
I’m already out of sight

But I still secretly pray for
all this dark water, and the two
of us simply speaking again

In a dream,
I kiss your hand because all my
longings were engraved in your palms

Because no tongue can speak
your secret language but mine

I gave you my last clementine
because I almost died when
I saw you cry for the first time

I wanted to be the one to peel it for you,
but I knew you would resent me if I did

And because of you, my teary eyed lover,
I struggle to understand
another’s language but yours

My heart started shrieking when she said love could not save us. “How else can you explain this?” I protested as I pulled my bleeding heart out of my hollow chest. “This old thing swears to be yours, and yours only” I said with a lump in my throat. “Here is my heart, it is fragile. Break it anyway, if you must.” I cried.

The flowers she picked for me still haunt me. “How cruel of her. To **** a blooming flower for a lover she soon will ****, softly” I thought, but my dancing heart did not agree with me. “Yield” Pleaded my heart. “Yield! Surender yourself to her”. And so I did.

Longing must be an act of worship, and I do it fervently. “I wrote you endless confessions that turned into poems. But you still banished me.” I said to my deity. “I admit, I am but an unloved thing aching to be loved. Oh, it hurts. It hurts to worship you.” I cried to her during one of my confessions. “I wish to share my loneliness with you” I said, trying not to break.
“Goddess of adoration, I shall worship you in secret. In the dark, I will come to you with my ardent desires, unholy cravings, and burning longings. For I solely exist to please you.” I said under my breath. “Your mouth, a glowing thing in the dark. I set ablaze at the mere thought of my tongue merging with the river of you.” I whispered, shaking with an unspeakable hunger. “Allow me to show you how deep my devotion goes. I could burn for you” I said.

My dear, I am writing you from the depths of my solitude, to ease your worried heart and mind. Loneliness has been gnawing at my terrified flesh as of late. Yet, my only wish is to remain alone. Unseen and untouched. I think this is pure joy, or the illusion of it. But I am content at this very moment. I promise.

You might think that I am slowly sinking. That I will soon reach the bottom of the ocean, and you fear it is too dark and solitary there. That I might not survive my own madness— not this time, not by myself. That I cannot swim nor do I intend to learn how to. That I willingly gave my body to Poseidon as a peace offering. That I finally made my peace— not with God, but with a god nonetheless. That I am all swallowed up. That I will not see you again. That I will die lamenting your forgotten smile. That Azrael, the angel of death, weeps over my doom. That I have died long ago—
But how can a corpse feel such emotions?
How do I tell my stubborn heart that it is not beating for you any longer?
How do I comfort my frantic soul by lulling it to an eternal sleep?
—And if so then tell me, my dearest one, don’t I deserve serenity, too? After burning for a decade, yearning for a safe haven. Do you think I finally deserve to rest?

I could swear I’ve felt your touch once,
I wonder why you couldn’t
bare seeing my raw wounds?

You know,
it is never gentle to disturb
the dead with the promise of love
So why did you do it, darling?

I feel a fire starting under my ribs
It is swallowing everything,
my heart, lungs,
and memories too

Or I may just be missing you
to the point where I set myself ablaze

Tell me,
does my cloud of smoke not reach you?

I suffocate with a burning longing
Do you not understand?
I burn, I burn, I am burning for you

Be with me
if only for a moment
For soon nothing
will remain of me

The piercing sound of
your silence pains me

I wish to hear you speak
for as long as I live

To you
who’s silence
pains me deeply

I admit,
I still converse with
you in my head

I have slowly forgotten
the sound of
your bewitching voice

But I remember how
your small mouth  
was my greatest desire

I have but you to love,
it is only you I dare
to want so violently

I am afraid of
my relentless
yearning for you

It sickens me
to want this much
and for so long

I have never wished for you
to turn into a memory that
only brings me great pain

A dream of you is capable of
unleashing so many hidden desires,
I dare not speak of

I have tired to bury every
tender feeling I held for you,
only for it bloom again

You, who sickens me
with immense tenderness
I cannot defy by myself

Your voice alone turns me
into a weakened thing,
and I am forever unwell before you

I wish to plague your thoughts,
and to consume your frigid heart

I wish to escape you entirely,
and to always be near you

I am overcome with
a state I fail to name

It is you I suffer from,
it is you I burn for

I am turning blue
as the days go by,
and soon I will start to fade

But before I do,
I wish to write about all the
shades of colors I used to be

How I turned bright yellow when
I saw her face every morning,
as a sunflower turns lovingly
to worship the burning sun

Alas, I am no longer vibrant and alive
The morning sun blinds me,
and your face only brings me pain

A wilting flower
that will never
feel spring’s warmth

The harsh winter is all it ever known,
in an unloving season
is how it leaves this world

I exist in the midst of
the ruins of myself, and
the stranger I have become

The day greets me with its
aching loneliness forcing me
to suffer through its brutal hours

Even in my dreams,
I am still being crushed  
by the heaviness of the night

And I do not know
if I can bear to see
another burning sunset

What you see is before you
is a groaning animal that has
forgotten it used to be human

With flowing words,
simply seeking the pleasures of being,
and an immense love to pour

By god,
I could have sworn that
I have felt the joy of living once

But now, I cannot bare
the agonizing sound
of my beating heart

I have been ruining myself
for you

I still write you
after all these years knowing you
will never read my bleeding verses

I dream of you
dancing in a black dress
as I try to hold your gaze

I spray your perfume,
and the ghosts of my mind wail
from the rushing memories

I still exist,
but not with you

It hurts
to love you
like this

Without you knowing
how I ache for you

Stay
Please, stay,
and listen to a heart that
recites your name like a poem

No, this is not a
poem about her

But I know that deep
within my aching heart,
I will do anything
she asks of me

I will break all
my vows for her  

I will break all my limbs
for her to mold like clay

My love, did you know that the orchids
in my room shudder when I whisper
your name in a prayer?

My mind is a shrieking graveyard
that is too freighting to visit alone

Sometimes,
I hear the skulls of all the people I
have ever loved rattling inside my heart

I do not know how to quiet
down their wailings at night

I have nothing to offer them,
but my dripping pain

Alone, I weep,
lamenting their forgotten laughter

Give me your
crimson mouth
to devour in secret

Help me put out
this burning desire–

All the unspeakable
things I hunger for

Be my muse,
so I can finish
writing this poem

My heart started shrieking when she said love could not save us. “How else can you explain this?” I protested as I pulled my bleeding heart out of my hollow chest. “This old thing swears to be yours, and yours only” I said with a lump in my throat. “Here is my heart, it is fragile. Break it anyway, if you must.” I cried.

The flowers she picked for me still haunt me. “How cruel of her. To **** a blooming flower for a lover she soon will ****, softly” I thought, but my dancing heart did not agree with me. “Yield” Pleaded my heart. “Yield! Surender yourself to her”. And so I did.

Longing must be an act of worship, and I do it fervently. “I wrote you endless confessions that turned into poems. But you still banished me.” I said to my deity. “I admit, I am but an unloved thing aching to be loved. Oh, it hurts. It hurts to worship you.” I cried to her during one of my confessions. “I wish to share my loneliness with you” I said, trying not to break.
“Goddess of adoration, I shall worship you in secret. In the dark, I will come to you with my ardent desires, unholy cravings, and burning longings. For I solely exist to please you.” I said under my breath. “Your mouth, a glowing thing in the dark. I set ablaze at the mere thought of my tongue merging with the river of you.” I whispered, shaking with an unspeakable hunger. “Allow me to show you how deep my devotion is. I could burn for you” I said.

Can I pour this love I hold
for you into your open mouth?

Can I write you endless
love letters as long as I live?

Can I drown my sorrows
between your thighs?

Can I devour your scent till
you suffocate with pleasure?

In the dark
I write you a letter
hoping it would reach you

It starts like this:
My beloved,
I love you still

From afar,
but I still love you
as tenderly
as ardently
as ever

I hunger for you
as violently
as madly  
as ever

And I wait

I know,
my love,
my muse,
I have always known

I knew that this would
be our last conversation,
but this is not my last poem

It pained me deeply,
but I knew that one day
I will slowly start to forget
your loving face,
bewitching scent,
and soothing voice

Oh, how I loved you
I knew I will still love you
even after you desert me

I knew it,
but I still held your small hand
I still worshiped you in secret
I still adored you blindly

And I still do

Tell me, does the night go through
you with its aching loneliness?

Do you think of me when
you see a wilting sunflower?

Do you see my face when
you hear the word longing?

Love, do as you wish
with my aching body,
but do not leave any bruises

Destroy what is left
of my heart, if you must,
but do not leave me again

I cannot feel love
only the grief
it left me with

I am grieving
all-night long