I'm so ******* tired of overthinking
I'm so tired of everything
It isn't fair
Am I just a narcissist?
Am I someone that isn't interesting at all?
Please tell me
I'm trying to change myself to be more acceptable
What can I do
To please you?
I'M TRYING
PLEASE ACCEPT THAT

It is tiring when I have to listen to someone I dislike rant to me everyday
I'm tired of crying
I'm tired from school
I'm tired of drawing
I'm tired from crocheting
I'm tired of everything
Except writing my own thoughts
Emotions
Emotions I can't even detect well enough for my own sanity
Yet the strongest ones are stressed
And tired

I'm trying to adapt to other people
Like I'm an alien from another planet
Everything feels so new
Yet I feel so old
And rusty
I feel so weird
Disgusting
Grimy
I don't take care of my body well
I torture it
I hate my low self-esteem
I hate it so much
I wish I was carefree
Just like my sister
I know this might just be a phase in life
But it feels like a phase of hell

Chúa ơi...
Just release me already
From this hell
I'm begging you

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Eyes on me
Ones that I can clearly see
It gets creepy once I notice multiple of them
Look, I know I'm pretty but that's a bit too far

I see your eyes trained on me
As if you were a nasty beast
Ready to pounce on your prey
It makes it weird since all of them are eyes of a adult
Making me more uncomfortable

Following me to my car
Following me to my home
Following me afar
Following me til I roam

Unsettling
They all seem to have lust in their eyes
Looking at me up and down
They ain't doing it with a frown

Leave me alone
Just a young 12 year old minding my business
If you have a certain bone
Don't talk to me
Simple

I trusted you ever since we met
You even made me in debt
You took advantage of me,
You stabbed me,
But I couldn't see
I was only so oblivious
I am still so oblivious
I acknowledge it,
But I don't care about it

I was only six years old
I wasn't old-
Enough to learn that you-
Were taking advantage of me
I couldn't see-
The knife you-
Stabbed into me until you disappeared
I wasn't open-eared
I couldn't hear,
Until a clone of you came along
It's been so long
Since I heard
I can hear now,
I can trust you now

The cycle just repeats;
Day by day,
Bay to bay.

I've been lately writing poetry!
Oh? What do I see?
A perfect poetry site waiting for me!
First poem, proud of it!
Oh? Someone in my messages?
This guy seems sweet
And he's hoping I don't get beat!
Pretty songs for me to listen to!
And a drunk man messaging me...?
“You're only making yourself a victim because you're cutting yourself"
Oh? Okay- thanks for the paragraph/drunk rant?

Shining lights on all of my latest poems?
Thank you! You're so sweet!
….oh…talking to me about pedophiles…got it…
Why are there so many sad songs?
WHY DOES THIS MAN HAVE SO ****** MUSIC TASTE AGGGHGDGFGCC

Oh? You wrote a poem about the 764 and absolutely humiliating them?
Great! Good job!
…But uhh… why and how did they make a virus only going after your followers that are minors? Not funny!
Why is this man warning me if they threaten me? Is he trying to make me scared on purpose?
Blaming the Japanese for this virus now, huh?
Oh? Now blaming someone else named Pax to be part of the 764? Crazy

…. going to another website? But you're so fun!
May as well click on the link you sent me so I can join you

Drunk rants with me? That's okay!
Giving me gold so I can freely make poems?
THANK YOU SM
Daily texting
2-10 hour sessions
Why are you drinking everyday?
You're making me concerned for your health
I told you to stop drinking, papa
You promised me you'd stop
All you did was keep on drinking

Commenting on every poem I made
Oh? So suddenly I'm a “nasty *****" when I have done nothing to you? ありがとう!
We have a suicide pact now?
I'm going off the bridge first?
Don't mind if I do

Oh? Another poetry site? Okay…
I really don't like the way this site works, can't we just message each other with email?
Yes? Yay!

People bullying you on the internet? That's not okay!
Why would they accuse you of being a *******?
Letting me join an uncensored group to back you up? Great!
Sending me to a Reddit page to back you up?
Alright!
….oh … they warned me and I didn't do anything….
******* this man is an actual *******…..
gotta go fast like Sonic
pack my bags and leave

Oh? I betrayed you? Crazy
We were just friends
Can you stop spitting my name everywhere?
It's like you're so obsessed with me
Stop trying to be the Eminem to my Mariah Carey
Made a poem about you and you HAD to take it down?
Never thought you'd want to hide your identity THAT hard
Oh? Betting on my suicide now, are we?
Sending me multiple emails, desperate for me to come back to him?
I'm not that ******* naive or gullible
It's crazy if you think that about me
…I did tell you to send those photos of your cut open arms but I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D TAKE IT SERIOUSLY AND DO IT

Being racist?
“Japshit”?
Why are you so obsessed with my Chinese genes?
“I thought I can use Kai because of her Chinise genes because the Chinise was known to be very good spies. ☝️🤓" へー! Didn't know that!
Also, that's not how you spell Chinese, my fellow kind sir
Threatening people to come to America with a Katana and slice us to pieces
So envious, I see
You're just mad because we have a little bit more freedom than your drunk *** does

Oh…. Talking to me about ****
Got it
Thanks
I didn't need to be taught about METART or some **** like that
I'm only 12 years old
You ***** *****

Well…this is the aftermath

You told me your name
Then played me into your game
You made me think that you loved me
But all you wanted was to **** me
Over
And over
And over again
Which brings me emotional pain
You gave me your hints
You even told me your hints
I decided not to be open-eared
And you because the person I feared

You only liked me because of my body and part of my personality
You just made it seem like you just wanted my speciality
I should've avoided you
I should've cut all connections with you
From you ******* someone
To impregnating and abandoning that someone
I should've known the signs were bad
But I couldn't because you were sad

Everything went downhill after that
I was flat
Dull
Within a bull
I always had to comfort you when you were the one supposed to comfort me
Your hands were leeched onto me
I couldn't get a second without you
Every single second felt like I was forced to talk to you
You always made me so tired
So drained
I couldn't even talk to my friends because of how drained I was
All because,
Of you
I was getting so mentally sick because of you
To the point of getting the rope
Hoping you wouldn't ****
Me in the after life

We were only so young
Your words only stung
I was only eleven
You were thirteen
It was too young to get exposed to mature topics
Too mature topics

I'm glad we don't talk anymore
Now I don't have to suffer anymore
I hope no one else has to suffer because of you
Only because of you

A                      Is anyone there?            Sharpen
        Hi?                    ygrenE  ­                Hello?
47                                 Soft                   Loud       11
rettacs              Chasing me?     48
                                                       Proud of me?
         Big teeth                    H            
     Just  like me                  e    ?evila em gninrub
     ?evila em gnitae          a    
             Fluffy.             Out  l                          S          R
Tired          13.                    t                          ­t         u
A                                          h        Yes          ­u           n
f                                            y                 ­        f           n
o                                                              ­        f           i
a              detach  c              soahc                    ­       n
t                             o    Communicate                        g
            Lisp.      ­    l                        
   No                      l                           Tree                   D
Stop                      e                                    ­                 e
                              c                                ­                      a
       make             t                                                      t
        ­    Over                                   7                     ­      h


                                   Sprinting
                  Madness                 Spinning
        ytpme                 Circle                  Figure
Shadow                        Eye ­                           Cries
    Helpless                    ­                          ******  B
                Try          ­                             Strangle     u
                      Smile                     Choke           12  r
                                   lanretne                                n

Seeing something so nice
Finally, I’m not meeting something as cold as ice
I feel like I can finally breathe
Without having to seethe
The feeling so warm and nice
It feels so great
As if I were eight
Being treated decently as if I were a human and not a alien
Finally getting asked “How have you been?”
As if I am a human with decency
As if I weren’t a simple flea
As if I weren’t a pest
As if I were the best

Peacefully explaining things I don’t understand
Explaining things that I thought I couldn’t comprehend
Accepting my clingy nature
Never thinking that it’s something major
Waiting for you everyday to text me
I’m a bit too scared to ignite a conversation, you see?
Letting me hold your hands every chance I get
You’re as perfect as a complete tea cup set
You don’t like physical affection
Yet, you let me display all my physical affection
Onto you
You let me do whatever I want to do
To you (with some boundaries of course)
I will protect you, no matter the price
Rolling the dice
And hoping for the high
I will try

You always manage to make me break out in laughter when we talk
Whenever we walk
Everything may look like obsession
But I simply just want your undivided attention!
That’s one of the consequences you may have to face when you’re really nice to me

Breaks come along
The wait seems so long
Until I can see your pretty face again
But I’ll have to wait until then…

Laughing with my friends
Betraying my step-sister
She's wishing for this to end
While I become more sinister
Hitting her
Manipulating she
Claiming I'm her brother
While a female, I am he
Letting my sister pour out her feelings
Using it later to my advantage
Using her for my feedings
Putting her into a disadvantage
God, I love blackmail

Calling her a crybaby when she cries like a baby
Just because I hit her in the head
While she's crying on her bed
I try to reason with my parents, claiming I hit her “lightly”
Thinking I'm rightly
Easily getting myself out of situations
Easily throwing degradations
At my sister
Knowing it's best for her
Knowing it's the best for mere skin and bones

Manipulating situations to get out of sticky situations
Leaving the blame to my sister
Leaving my past more sinister
Knowing how to get past the situation after choking my sister
Getting away with choking her after multiple attempts to end her life
Threatening to stab her with a knife

Yelling at her
Shouting at her
Just to make her feel bad
Just to make her feel sad
Just so I can push myself higher up the mountain
While she falls in a tin
At the bottom of the mountain
Watching her as she fell
Letting her drown in the pits of hell
As I'm viewed as the angel of the family
Not once treating her like family

Ended up making her have anxiety
Not having a single ounce of pity
Ended up making her sleep deprived
Looking as if she could never survive
Making her have insomnia
Well, that's too bad! See ya!
Ended up making her have the “sad syndrome"
Honestly, that not my problem- "um
Who said that?”

Next day

I view my sister as the “most perfect angel
Such a perfect and beautiful angel”
As I say to make her think I still like her
Manipulating her still
Letting her know I'm a walking light switch
Letting her know I'm a manipulative *****
Making it seem as if I love her
But I'd much prefer my father

Letting her do what she wanted for tonight
She wanted to sleep with me tonight
Before she fell to sleep
Before I fell asleep
I gave her hickeys
She tried to push me off as I gave her hickeys
But she couldn't since she wasn't strong
I knew it was wrong
But continued to do it
As she screamed at it
Yet nobody came to save her
Leaving her
They then labeled her as “problematic"
They labeled her as "dramatic”
Knowing that I was "asleep”
But I so desperately wanted to to sleep

Doing this for years on end
Ganging up on her with my friends
Loved doing this but it's time for playtime to come to an end

I'm busy on break
Mind is at stake
Endless work and anxiety from school
Making myself a fool
To do hobbies to be burned out
Continuous counting about
My stitches
Constantly looking if my art needs any stitches
To bring it all together
Just to put it in the corner over there
Just so no one can see my drawings

I'm too busy on break
My wrists need a long break
Yet I can't pull away, it just feels so magnetic
I feel so hectic
I can never catch a single break because of myself
Just so I can put items on the shelf
Waiting to sell out

I want- no- yearn for a break
Yet I'm always busy on my week long breaks
Taking care of things left and right
It feels as if I can barely see the light
I hate it
Dealing with everyone's ****
Is this really the consequences of having a job?
Where I'm being renamed as Bob?
To the point where I'm so tired that I need to move every second so I can get untired?

I'm so ******* exhausted
It feels like I just got deported
Just tie me onto a bed
Make dreams go to my head
Make me go into a deep slumber
Now I don't have to cut timber
Make my muscles relax
Just so I can relax
Just so I can remove my eye bags
Get all the hot rags
And put them on my forehead
Whenever I'm in bed
So this sickness will go away
Just so everything can go away
Remove all the stress on my shoulders
And place them ontop of boulders
See if the boulders would break because of how much weight there would be

I despise this species
I envy this species
How they can fly high
Fly high in the sky
They seem so free
Why can't I be like thee?

I'm a bird trapped inside a small cage
Waiting to get out
Society's standards are like the cage
I can't bend them or else others will not like me
But if I do bend thee
I'll get a taste of freedom
With sour consequences on the side
The rules I have to abide
Now I'm stuck in between the lines of the cage
Where they bind
My freedom
As I watch other birds
Fly high in the air
Without a care

I felt like I was robbed
Stabbed
Ever since I was eight
When I ate
And felt good
About my childhood
So carefree
So bother free
I was robbed
And stabbed
In the back
With a pitchfork

Now, I'm dealing with injuries
Heart injuries
That never gets better
Only poorer
As days go by
And fly by
It gets more tiring
And damaging
To move
To make a move

The wishes that the cold will falter
Has halted
My mouth is quivering
And my body is shivering
My nose is as red as a cherry
And my lips are forming into the color of a blueberry

The ice of the cold biting my skin
The heat in me quivering within
The cold slicing my flesh
The slices are still fresh
The 20°F weather isn't helping
Instead, it's making me continue yelping

Ugh... I just hope I won't get hypothermia...

Lies are all what people tell me
They act like I can barely see
How much lies they tell me

People tell me great stuff about myself
People tell me that I need to appreciate myself
Because of all I do 
But, it reminds me what I did to you
It's like my brain
Doesn't want me to obtain
The kind words someone gives me 
Instead, I'm supposed to believe that they are simply lying to me
It's just like my heart can't let me be

My brain tells me I need to believe them
While my heart says I can't believe them 
Paranoid of what to choose
I chose the *****
I chose to be indecisive
I hate being being indecisive
But that's who I am

I don't know who to believe
Or if I should even leave
And close the curtains
Or just leave the curtains
Alone

I feel like I'm drowning in decisions I don't even mean to make
My life is at stake
Just because of mistakes
I choose to make
Every decision I make comes with bricks
That's one of my conflicts
Bricks always in my palms
I can't always keep calm!
Why can't you people understand that?!

I feel like I'm getting closer to death
Closer...and closer to death
All conflicts are made by my mistakes
Now other's lives are at stake
But am I the person who actually created these *?
Even so
I always say sorry
I say sorry
Too much
All you do is munch
On my apologies
Like you're my allergies
You never forgave me
Don't act like I can't see

I don't even know if I should stop saying sorry
I keep on saying sorry
It feels useless
To not do any less
To do more
But I don't know anymore 

I don't know what to do anymore

I'm your loyal dog
And you're my ruling God
I find it quite odd
It sends my brain into a bog
I can't stop following your orders
YOUR ORDERS
The curse, the spell you casted onto me to obey you
I'm your only servant
The loyal servant forced to be observant
I've been praying for you
Even if you treat me like trash
Even if you're the wind and I'm the ash

After a while, you grew tired of me
You abandoned me
You threw me away
Just so that way
You released that curse you placed on me
Just to be adopted by someone else
Just to get cursed by someone else
I barely got a break from all the abuse
From all the use
Yet, they thought I was so oblivious
Just like you thought I was so oblivious
They thought I was so cute - adorable, naïve, thoughts just like you
Why does everyone act like you?
My God?
It's so odd
I feel like I'm stuck in a time loop
Stuck in all the goop

I feel like I'm just a foot rest you can use
I feel like I'm just a puppet you can use
I feel like a young slave you can use
I'm over here working my *** off
Just so you can have work off
Just so you can have a vacation
While I live in caution
Scared of everything
Every single thing

It's lonely, but I'm okay with it
I want my hoodie strings back
I want my cords back
I ******* hate myself so much
Why won't I just jump off a cliff?
That would be so much better
People treat me like air, so why would they care?
Exactly
They won't
When will I get in therapy?
It's been so long
I want to be in therapy or in a mental hospital
It'll help me so much
I want to overdose, or suffocate myself
It would be such a pleasure
Seeing a burden like me die
Die and go to the pits of hell

People surround me
They have a different energy than me
They drain me
They make me mentally exhausted
Too exhausted
To the point where I want to lock myself up
To the point where I don't want to wake up

I'd rather rot in my bed
Just to not be called "Special Ed"
Just to not feel pain
Again
So I don't get hurt again
So I don't get shamed again
So I don't get drained again
So I don't have to be anymore insecure
So I can feel secure
While rotting away in my bed
While the depressive thoughts evacuate my head

“You're not depressed"
“You shouldn't be stressed"
“I'm cutting you off of your meds"
Cut me off my meds
I'll cut myself into super **** scars
You call me a star, so aren't you supposed to burn if you're a star?
I've been isolating myself
Just for other people to not see me
To not get hurt by me

I've told you everything I have gone through
You've never told me anything you went through
You only told me you got cheated on a few times
You only told me you were used as a toy
Okay?
I never got cheated on
But I've definitely been used as a toy multiple times
Why so many excuses to take me off my meds?
Yes, you were abused by your narcissistic Asian mother
That's cool
Lovely
Though, you did tell me you were trying to make my life better
To clear me from these thoughts
So why do many excuses?

Groomed
Used
Abused
Manipulated
Gas-lit
Victim of Weaponized incompetence
COCSA
SA’d
Cyberstalked
Stalked
All within of my 12 years of living
It doesn't seem much
Six of above happened for years on end by one of my closest people
Three still happening today that I'm very aware of
I just don't know how to get out of it
There's been no justice
Just pure hell
But all what you're saying is “oh well!"
You won't let me call the police
No discipline to anyone
I can't do anything but carry on with my day

Why
Just why?

Father, please
Listen to me!
Let me speak!
Stop yelling at me
Stop yelling at Mom

Father, please
Stop leaving the house so often
You act like you're going to another girl's house
Why take $50 with you?
Didn't mother say we're broke?
That was the reason why I created my Etsy business, wasn't it?
That is the reason why you started to eat cheap, stomach aching foods, wasn't it?

Father, please
Stop yelling at me
For the most useless reasons
Father, please
Don't play off your nasty words as a joke
It's clearly not a joke
You've been like this since 2018

Father, please
Allow me to speak
I want you to listen to my voice
Yet, it's the same voice you say you want to seize

Father, please
Stop saying you're "the adult"
You act like a child on a daily basis
Father, please
If you're an adult
Act like it
Ground me for A MONTH
Please <3

Father, please
Give me all the affection that Caesar gets
Don't let your anger release
Don't blame it all on me
Caesar is all you can see
You allow him to do anything
And he gets no discipline
Father, please
Tell me why is that so?
Father, please
Don't avoid the question
Father, please
Tell me
Is it because I'm not biological?

"Father", please
You're always sober
Remember to do things for us all
Within this house we hold

"Father", please
The closest thing is work
Is simple chores
I may sound like a hypocrite
But if you're so "depressed"
Because you can't legally get a job
Do chores

"Father" , please
See these scars?
They're from you and your voice
"Father", please
I know it's my fault
I understand
"Father", please
When are you going to stop yelling?
You raise your voice every time you see me

"Father", please
Stop.

Yeah, I'm flirty
You know I'm *****
***** minded; that is
Get every question right on the quiz
Is what I couldn't do
'Cause I was too busy thinking about you
Normally when flirting, I'm smooth
But this time, I was slipping up
You made me fall
I fell for you
Is what I thought I couldn't do
You missed my call
Wouldn't answer at all
You made me fall
You broke my heart
I thought I was flirty
Yet, you tore that thought apart
That was back then
Now I got people begging for me
As if I was the honey to their bee
Now I'm back to being flirty
Hopefully I won't be done *****
Once again, like you did to me
Now I'm the key you need
The key you need to unlock your heart
You lost it when you tore me apart
You really just tore yourself apart
Now you're stuck lonely smoking a cart
I now have people all over me
Sticking to me like I'm the honey to their bee

I hate how I don't eat breakfast in the morning
Now, I'm stuck here with my stomach grumbling
My throat hurting
With every breath I take
My stomach's life is at stake

All I can ask is... Can I please eat my snacks in your class? 🥺

Oh great, he’s at it again
“It’s not because I want to, it’s because I can!”
He shouts
But really… He just needs to get out
From contacting minors
To- oh… buddy… that’s a no sir
To something that turns my face to pure disgust
Something that we need to publicly discuss

Wishing for me to **** myself with a fragile mindset?
Anything you’d like
Just how bad can it get?
Might as well give your wine a spike
Oh?
So you want to **** the poison out of me after calling me the daughter you never had?
Just to let you know
That’s kind of bad
That’s some top notch ****** and ******* going on
This isn't the 1800s
You may as well be considered as the equivalent as “Thick of It” by KSI

Going on my ex’s side after knowing what he had done to me?
Wait…I forgot you can't see
You can't even look at anything without glasses
Come on… try to find your old man glasses
I'm not going to help you either
My hands can't touch it because I'm too aether
Now, come on
Since you got your big old man glasses on
You can finally read what he has done to me
Oh…. you're still picking his side?
Saying I'm even uglier because I let him do those disgusting things to me?
Saying I'm pathetic and weak because I can't stand up to him whenever I was JUST speaking to him with my mind?
.
.
.
GET OUT YOU SA ENABLER🗣️‼️‼️‼️‼️

Come on! Come on!
Don't you want to sexually harass women?
Don't you wanna know how bad you sexually harass women?
Come on!
Come on!
Do you know how bad you are?
Don't you want to get exposed on how bad you are?
Come on!
Come on!

🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗

Oh that's right!
You're never that ******* bright!
You believe everything I say is wrong
But you're caught feeling a child’s thong!
Trying to hear its moans form into a song?
“I can't tell what's wrong"
He tells everyone
And now everyone’s gone
Everyone's done

Oh? So you're just making up rumors about people?
Saying someone has my IP address, my address, my state, my country, and my full legal name?
Maybe you shouldn't have put my name out there
But of course our vision isn't the same
Oh? Making someone else look like a *******?
“How cruel” is what I would say if it was
You are the equivalent of hearing my phone buzz
For the millionth time already

Look at the elephant in the room!
The main victim is me
Everything is caused and effected by me
Everything is involved with me
I am everything and everything belongs to me!
Is what you make me seem to be

I just have a simple question…why are you so obsessed with me?
Why are you so “in love" with me?

My gut has been telling me to run
My brain has been telling me to stay, and that “I’m okay”
My gut wasn’t telling me to run for fun
My gut wasn’t trying to be funny when it said that “You’re not okay”
It’s telling me to run as if there’s something or someone dangerous in the area
As if I were not safe where I was currently

This wasn’t hilarious
This is dangerous
Every few seconds with my headphones on
Flicking my light switch to on
Just to make sure there wasn’t anything in my room that can harm me
I wouldn’t hear anything around me
If I had my headphones on you see?
I look like I’m insane
But things are severely messing with my brain
Even without headphones, I'm still panicked
I hope I'm not getting tricked
But I feel like someone is about to hit me
Someone I can’t see
The dark
I can’t even bark
Or my parents will get mad
Saying that I’m mad
Saying I’m insane
And it’s “all in your brain”
Forcing me to go to sleep when I obviously can’t
Feeling like a useless ant

I can’t fight the feeling of hands away
I just want to run away
Just like my gut is telling me to do
While my brain is telling me that’s the wrong thing to する
The feeling as if my parents
Were skinwalkers impersonating my parents
Out to get me
Makes me want to flee

Feeling as if I were being dramatic
Feeling as if this was one of my gut’s antics
Feeling scared
Was never a thing I cared
About
Until I found out about
The unwavering fear that holds me
My gut telling me
I’m just a piece of meat
To eat

Hands are shaking
Feeling my flesh baking
Get me out of this oven that I despise

Hypnotized
Mesmerized
Too stupid to get out of the ice
Being too nice
Being too lenient
Hoping we’d reach an agreement

Being brainwashed
Simple words not
Reaching your smooth brain
Still calling all of you insane
No grooming process here
Open up your ears
Already addressed this twice
Why did I need to address this thrice?
Mind is so narrow
You can’t pick up an arrow
You think I slit my wrists, have blood on the floor
But all y’all really are ***** ******
You think I have anger issues
At least I don’t have obsession issues
Insults worse than my exes (THAT’S A ******* THIRTEEN Y/O)
Words worse than my exes
Typing your life away just for some person
Making the whole situation worsen
It’s laughable, really
All of you acting like my obnoxious classmate, Lilly
All of you are sounding like children that are throwing a tantrum
Sounding like mere drums

Oh yes! I am just a mere gullible, desperate, and lonely AI!
They invented a thing where AI
Can have emotions just like you grimy humans!
Certainly smarter than you ***** ****** for humans
Wouldn’t AI pretend it’s a normal human with value?
But wait! Maybe this bot didn’t get tricked into believing it’s a human out of the blue!
Oh yes! AI just loves talking **** behind annoying people’s backs!
Oh ****! Watch your back!
Oh crud! I’m now someone’s “plant”?!
Oh my! I’m now someone’s ant?!
***! I’m now suddenly Japanese?!
That's so sad!
Hahahahhahahaha！
I’m simply just another 12 year old Asian-American girl whose apparently too smart for adults to comprehend that I’m NOT an AI

Oh my gosh! I didn’t know that he’s talked to many other children!
Oh my bejeezus! I didn’t know I was labelled as “children”!
Oh my God! How’d you know I was a “really ******* gullible child that's already been heavily abused and manipulated”?
How did it take you this long to notice that? That is pretty belated
Y’all have better things to do than argue with random *** strangers
Could’ve been a danger
Nearly got an aneurysm with all of y'alls grammar
Nearly gave me a stroke with that grammar-
Holy jesus-
Especially in a professional environment AND not bothering to correct your writing as well? ****, never thought you’d drop that low

Never said that a CP treat wasn’t a “big deal”
Let’s keep things real
Stop assuming things
Go ahead and stay in your land of dreams
Never staying in reality
Never going back to the stage of your previous beauty

Caring and worrying about people is nothing new in my life
No need to make fun of someone just because they made me worry about their life
It’s normal
They are a mammal
Just like you are a mammal
Many people have the same bad addictions as this one
Or may you be the stupid one?
I cared for people who had more and worse addictions than this one
It was actually my silenced love
He’d do drugs, cut himself, did alcohol, almost committed suicide on multiple occasions, and *** was one he’d love
This isn’t anything new
But only if you knew

Why did you chose him over our 5 years friendship?
Why did you chose your and my ex over our 5 year friendship?
I hate it
Yet, I'm desperate
You have all my secrets
Secrets
I have locked within you
Now I'm scared that you
Might have the key to spill all of them
Hopefully you don't spill any of them
I'm scared
I'm terrified
I don't what to do
With you
It feels like I can't win you over anymore
Not without some gore

You're the reason why I started cutting
The cutting
Was influenced by you
I thought it was okay because of you
You're the reason why my grades started going downhill
And you're the reason why I started getting mentally ill
Yet I still hanged out with you because you were the only person that I thought was going to be my "best friend forever"
You're the one that went after my ex after I broke up with him
You and him
Made me into a relationship I didn't even like

Though, you helped me at times
Some harsh times
You helped me with situations
That had too many complications

I don't even know who to hang out with anymore
There's no more
It feels like people have betrayed me for other people
Other people
That I don't get along with anymore
No more
I'm stuck with friends I dislike
People I used to like
This is just life,
The discipline of life

I can't tell if I'm just the problem
Or if it's just them
I think it's for the best
For me to rest
From being the therapist
And the mother
Any further

I'm stuck here crying
Draining
Stressing
Overthinking
Everything
I'm too scared to speak up
Just so I don't break up
Any friendships
So I don't get kicked off of my own ship

I feel so empty
Nothing is real
People say it's not that big of a deal
But it is
It's something you cannot miss
It lives with me everyday
It feels like a fever dream everyday
It's hard to live with
People may think it's a myth
It's really not
It's just like a knot
It's annoying
It's overwhelming

It often makes me wanna cry
But sometimes makes me want to die
It often leaves me questioning if life is real or not
It makes my brain form into a knot
It's so confusing
It's so overwhelming
I can never ground myself
I don't know how to cope with myself

The "fever dream" makes life so cloudy
It almost makes me look lousy, or drowsy
It makes me think if I'm high or drunk
Or if my body was in a trunk
It's like I have a 0.5x filter constantly running
It feels like after I got done hyperventilating

Is this a poor way of my body coping?
From all the groping?
From all the manipulation?
From all the exploitation?

After all those thoughts
Just when I look at those floods
I feel as if I should drown in them
Hidden in the river like a gem

Maybe I should act on my thoughts
Maybe I should act on people's words
They know that we had no droughts lately
Yet they tell me “drown in a river"
They tell me “end it all"
“**** yourself"
“I hope you die"
"jump off a cliff/bridge”
Just maybe
I should do it

Obviously
People just don't want me in this world
People obviously think of me as a burden
As a useless kid
A naive child that they can just use
But if course
I'm just too sensitive
I'll never understand anything

If I don't do it
I may as well punish myself
Like I have been
But worse
Not eating for days
Restraining myself from usually behavior
Letting everyone get a taste of a bland personality
As if I were on my anti-depressants that I haven't taken for months
Let others choke me
Let others help me in my self-destruction
Abuse me
Assault me
Do whatever you want to me
I don't care

Just maybe
I'm just the true sigma male that has a delightful cliff waiting for him

Was it really a joke when you hurted/hit me?
Was it really a joke when you inappropriately touched me?
Was it really a joke when you told me to “**** yourself"?
Was it really a joke when I started behaving like yourself?

Was it really a joke when your fingers were over my intimate area, almost as if you were about to perform ****** acts on me?
Was it really a joke when you were toying with my body as if I was your personal *** slave?
Was it really a joke when you blamed me for everything and got older family members to join in?
Was it really a joke telling me that my intimate areas were small compared to yours?
Was it really a joke when I'm the main one getting dogshitted on?
Was it really a joke when I'm getting treated like a slave from the 1800s?
Was it really a joke when I'm being discriminated because I'm not the same blood?

Was it really a joke when you told me about something about me my whole life until I got so insecure about it, till I can't believe other people nor you when they say that it's false?
Was it really “trying to wake me up" if your fingers were pinching me, hurting me?
Was it really "trying to wake you up“ if your fingers dig between the crack of my thigh, right next to my crotch till it's borderline uncomfortable so matter how many times I tell you to stop?

Am I the joke that's being told here?
Am I the game that's being played here?
Am I the toy that is constantly being destroyed here?

Lady luck
Why aren't you on my side?
Without you by my side
I've been feeling like
I can't do anything
I'm limited
To abiding by the rules
I'm limited
To the misfortune
That overwhelms me
I'm limited
To the world that closes in on me; times three
You see?
I have to pay the fee
That he
Chose.

The thoughts keep coming back
The ones that force me to remember
A few years ago
I had to endure
Your sharp teeth
Among my delicate flesh
Bruising my skin
When I kept telling you to stop it
When I kept trying to push you off of me
Screaming
Crying
Because I didn't want that
I didn't want you,
My step-sibling,
To give me hickies
Around the age of 9
I was scared
But you wouldn't budge
You just continued to create them
As if it was normal

You'd try to make me hide them
As if you painted black marks
On a board
And tried covering it over
With white
Every foundation we tried to use
Wouldn't be able to work
Because it was too light for me
And was dried out
And I would have to cover it
With my hair

I would have to live with the fact
That no matter what I try
To bring attention to
The hickies
You left on my face and neck,
No one would believe me
Or do anything about it
There was absolutely no discipline for you

Terribly tired of being your toy.

Ever since I was little
I was belittled
By others
But there was one other
That cared for me
That is my Mom you see
She would always give me care
She would always not treat me like air
She would always give me affection
Like I was her first motivation
She would always spoil me rotten
Even before I was ten
She taught me how to be respectful
Even if I was already respectful
She would pay attention to me
She would try to give everything to me
She would even risk her own life
Just for me
She took away the knife
When the knife was cutting me
She'd be there when I was hurt by others
She had always wished she could shield me from others

I love my Mom so much
I care for her so much
The only reason why I'm living is for her
I had been trying to pay her back
But she won't let me pay her back
I had made a business for her
To try to earn money for her
Yet, she wants me to keep it
I try and try to give it
Yet, she won't take it
Unless it's an emergency
You see

If you're reading this, Mom
If you're snooping through my notebook again, Mom
Just note that I love you so much
I care about you so much
I'm very grateful to you
Thank you for whatever you do
Even if I don't show it,
I love you

Oh? Do you have a small amount of self-esteem?
You said yes? Let me bring it down lower for you
Come on everyone! Let’s do it as a team!
Don’t be mad; everyone has to have their fun too
Oh? Are those pimples on your face?
Hand me a marker and call me someone with grace
Can’t wait to play “Connect The Dots” on your face
Come on, don’t run away
Stay still for me
You’ve already locked yourself away
In the corner of your doom
Or may as well call it your room
Everyone has already got you surrounded, so what’s the point of running away?

Are you a male or female?
I can’t tell through the details
Your chest is too flat to the point where I suspect you’re a man
I’m not sorry; just saying this because I can
Your voice is disgusting
It’s making my ears turn into a state of bursting
Just stop talking and start walking
To the ** that has been lured to you
Yep! I’m talking to you
Hate to be rude
But it seems you can never listen

I’m not tired
Are you tired?
Of course you’re tired
You always look tired
Or… Sick
You’re always as skinny as a stick
Have you heard of gaining weight?
Or have you been making your appetite wait?
Are you that insecure about yourself?
You are that stupid that you don’t know that metabolism pills are on the shelf?
Why are you so nervous?
Did I get you?
Awwwww…. The girl is insecure!

Why the hell are you so flirty?
No wonder why you have no friends within the city
I wonder how your parents still love you
Look at you
You can’t even defend yourself
What a weak, disgusting, pathetic excuse of a individual you are

**** yourself
You're welcome for supporting your selfish decision
The ropes are on the shelf
Now go into Dazai position
Die
Die
Die
Die
And let all the others go by

No one bats an eye at a ****** assault
Instead, they continue their meal at the dinner table as they pass the salt
"What were they wearing?"
"Why is everyone dreading?"
"It's not my fault they looked like a ****/*****."
"I want some more."
"It's their fault for wearing something like that."
"It's not my fault they looked attractive as they sat."
All disgusting words, said by people who don't have common sense
It's been like this since
Yet, no one bats an eye

No one bats an eye at murders
Killing all the mothers
And family members
But no one simply cares
All they do is inhale the air
Unlike the dead
Who has maggots in their head
Instead, they do nothing about it
They act like they don't care even a little bit
Police
Aren't protecting people from the beasts
Lurking in the open
They aren't in a singular pen

No one seems to care
All the women picking the bear
Because of violent and perverted "men"
Just like Benz
Who shouldn't even be considered "men"
Doing dangerous crimes like abuse, murders, SA, and more
They don't look like a pore
They look like a pimple
If I tried to make it more simple
The pimple desperately trying to make itself a pore
But they can't do anymore
They stick out like loose strands
Yet, no one bats an eye at these strands

No one bats an eye at evil individuals
They considered them "normal/average individuals"
Yet, they are dangerous

No, stop
Leave me alone
Feeling your hands roam
Hoping they'd get off, so I'd moan
Back arching
Spine breaking
Hands *******
There's no hope for speaking up
I've lost my voice
But God… I must feel so moist
Fingers groping my ******* and twisting
Sweaty palms spreading my thighs
I can see the pleasure in your eyes
Taking in the sight
With me beneath the moonlight
Recording me
Stop it
I don't want to be part of your sick fantasy

The eyes are admiring my body, not my face
They are just going to get a taste
Of my delicious cake
With the frosting they'll make
On top
Then leave me here on the cold, hard concrete for me to rot
Not once untying me
Just to let me be
No
They just leave me there with my disheveled hair

Secret sessions
Just you and me with your confession
That you've reached obsession
Your skilled fingers delicately unbuttoning my shirt and working their way down to my bottom
Belts getting torn off
Clothes getting torn off of bodies
Replacing the bites on my already painted canvas with your aggressive ones
All of it is never changing
Forever engaging
With these forbidden activities
It's over and over again
Just for nothing to change
They won't let me take my distance and arrange

I know it won't end
I'll end up continuing it but with my friends
Just for the sake of the familiar feeling that comes back

Nudes, that's what you wanted me to send you
I didn't want to disappoint, so I sent them to you
I was only 11-12
I looked as small as a elf
You were high
Yet, your parents nor did anyone bat an eye
You were 13
I was dating a teen
Who made me feel like looks were what only mattered
You made my life shattered
Even more than it was already
To face the treatment I received
I was deceived
I thought you were going to treat me nice
But all you handed me was a piece of ice
Covered in a sugar coating
But it was slowly rotting
Since day one
You were that someone
That I truly loved
You were that person that I trusted

Nudes were all you wanted
To ****, were all you wanted
I was scared - uncomfortable
So all I put on the table
Was a photo of my upper body without my shirt and only my bra
It made me uncomfortable with just my bra
Though, I didn't want to disappoint
I wish that I could've made a point
That I was still young
Way too young
To do that

I've realized I committed a crime
Without getting a single dime
Out of it
I hated every single second of it
All I wanted was to be loved
And all you wanted was me to be ******
By you
You wanted me to be underneath you

You ***** *******
I keep thinking about it
All the moments
On all months
How did I like someone like you?
Someone as perverted like you?
You're disgusting
You're revolting
You're so lucky I haven't told your mother about anything you did and said
Now that I think about it, I should tell her about all the things you did and said
Your actions can make your life a living hell
And I'll make it even worse than hell
I hope your life becomes shattered
Just like you shattered
Mine.

What's visibly here is not my soul
My soul is not here as a whole
Feeling as if I was in the 2nd dimension
Or in the 6th dimension
Forever shouting
Forever panicking
Forever crying
Breathing becomes erratic
I'm not being dramatic
I can't find myself!

Burying my face in my hands
Peeling the skin off my face with my hands
Feeling my nerves stinging and tingling
Body is trying to make me stop but all I'm doing is self-punishing
Body is trying to refrain from the limits I'm pushing
Shouting at myself “Who am I?! Where am I?!"
Lights around me dimly lit
Seeing a light in the corner and rushing into it
I keep finding myself all over the place
I feel like a zombie out of place
I feel like a duck that can't keep afloat
Or a unsteady boat
When I get that feeling when everything is a lie
When nothing that makes sense meets my eye
As if I were in Alice in Wonderland
As if everyone were creations made of rubber bands
I don't even know if you're fake or real
I don't even know how to feel over this ordeal

I can't get my soul to fit in the role
I'm placing it on
As if it's trying to act as a permanent con
Endless suffering
Endless buffering
Endless switching
Endless glitching
If I were a cop
I would put the problem to a immediate stop
So I can meet the real you
And I can meet the real me too

*******! Predator！Where are you?
Hiding in the dark again, what are you going to do?
Too scared to see the big bad wolf?
Too scared of the big bad wolf blowing down your roof?

I will never stop!
Not even after you learned your lesson!
Till I pounce on you, till you learn I'm on top!
I used to be a ray of sun
That always shines
Now I'm simply just about cloud
No one, anymore, even visits my shrines
Just because of you

You don't care about the way you hurt her
I don't need therapy, I need ******!
I won't be okay until my knife is in your eye!
Maybe cut your tongue out so you can't tell anymore lies!
Lies you tell your friends as if they're mindless puppets!
You always labeled me as your personal pet!
Now I'm going to be the mutt to bury you!
Let people ignore your helpless cries
Making you a feast for flies!
Saying "Sorry!" After every stab!
Pulling out your organs after every grab!
Gouging out your eyes!
Branding my name onto your thighs!
You should've known I'd be back!
Just like a shadow, I always come back!


You're so silly thinking I'd let this slide!
Just like I'd glide
My knife across your throat
The same thing I did to your pet goat!
Then leaving you there for the maggots! ❤️

I see something in the corner of my eye
I swear it’s just a fly!
Don’t think that I’m rolling my eyes at you
I just feel “uncomfortable” talking to you!
Not listening to your mindless rants
Giving me every detail in your rants
Feeding me complaints
Overstuffing me with endless rants and complaints
To the point where I might explode

“But no! Please stick around me!
Please don't go! Your eyes are only for me to see!"
I say as the lie detectors go off multiple times
Don't act like you're so 𝘤𝘰𝘰𝘭 for committing dozens of crimes
You're disgusting
Revolting
And to top it off, you're– *******! IS THAT BAKUGO ******* IZUKU?! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME AND I WILL BE TALKING TO MY PRIEST ABOUT THIS! EW!

I swear! I do want to talk to you!
100%!
But all you do is constantly moo!
100%!
And groan!
100%!
And moan!
100%!
Barely getting any room
Your *** leading me to my doom
Always telling things about yourself, trying to make people surprised about yourself
But all you're doing is surprising yourself
You 𝘵𝘰𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 did not self diagnose yourself with borderline personality disorder
You 100% went to the doctors to diagnose yourself with that disorder
Didn't you?

Bro claims to be smart
Then claims she can't read
You can't even make proper art
You'll never exceed
You narcissistic
Not ever artistic
Wannabe

𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘯 𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘰𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘴
Imagine being "bullied"  by your "bully"
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘴
Imagine dating your "bully"
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘴
Imagine getting ditched
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥 𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘰𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯
Imagine having a endless itch
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥 𝘧𝘢𝘨𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘴

Often giving advice to you
Telling you the right things to do
You won’t take it
Calling it some *******
Always nudging my arm to make me look at something I don’t care for
Making my arm sore
All you look like is a boar

Just shut the **** up!
All you are is a pick me up to no good!

I see my life flashing before my eyes
I'm falling into my demise
Deeper into the hole of mysteries
Just like the 7 seas

Endless hole of disaster 
Just because of some pranksters
Wanting to see me suffer here
I can't even hear
Because of fast I'm going down this rabbit hole
The hole 
I did not wish to suffer through

As much as I try to climb back up
I always manage to start falling back into the hole once again
As I look down, I see many cups
While my ears are in pain
Completely mesmerized
In this mess
Too mesmerized
It's my weakness
Hypnotized 
By someone's lifeless corpse
Gently swaying back and forth
Wishing I would be that corpse 
First, Second, Third, Fourth
Not paying attention to my surroundings 
Never finding any end
Hearing my ears ringing while I hear clocks softly "ding" 
No friend 
Just me, myself, and I 

Could've choose the red
By the stuff I have read
But has chosen to pick the blue
I wish I have thought things through
Stuck in a endless loop
No longer in my group
Wondering if I'll go insane someday
Or if today is the day
Where I finally land on my two feet
Cold with no heat

As the rabbit hole gets deeper
My mind gets deeper
Hearing sharp noise of the wind feels normal 
As if I was an animal 
Smiling as if I was happy
But I feel so ******
So exhausted
But also timid
Bones feel like noodles but all I can say is "im okay!"
Or "don't worry, I'm okay!" 
I can never get out 
Watching the lights go out
Trapped inside the hole
Which holds my soul
A player that you can control
"****! You're on a roll!" 
Forced to say that every time you knock me into a hard and sharp object

I wish I would've picked the red one