She looked at herself in the mirror
All pale and chocolate haired
You could see the veins in her thighs
The moles on her back and the roses in her lips
She didn’t like the way her legs stretched taller than most people her age
Or the way her chin seemed to blend into her neck
She never liked the shape of her head or the arch in her back
An arch that formed from trying to fold into herself
She was always disappointed with the way she looked in photos
And she always felt so outrageously mediocre
Good at everything but never best at anything
Always in the average column
But she told herself every morning as she looked in this mirror
‘Love yourself anyway, because this is all you’re getting’
And with every morning comes a little sliver of a developing affection
At least for the roses in her lips
i can't shine. i don't have the sun with me.
is more petite;
my stem is too large. i can't seem to see myself grow.
the rain comes and so is the rainbow. they both hate me.
is more cherished;
my leaves would abandon me alone.
my petals are dull. ripped. hideous.
is more loved;
something i wish i could feel everyday.
stop comparing myself with the others is like breathing under water.
I normally stay quiet for I'm too afraid to speak.
I’m afraid I’ll say something that I regret.
I’m afraid I’ll say something that makes them hate me.
But sometimes I can’t help myself.
I try to fit in and speak my mind.
But I regret ever opening my mouth.
I think that what I said was wrong.
And I think they hate me for even existing.
I will mull over it for weeks wondering why.
Why did I think that I could talk?
Why did I think that I could fit in?
And then I can’t make the questions stop.
Why do they hang out with me?
Why do they pretend to like me?
Why can’t I be a better friend?
Why can’t you be someone people like?
And when my mind lets me forget I do it again.
I make the mistake of opening my mouth
Or something brings back the memory of my mistakes
The thoughts that my mistake made.
And the whole process repeats.
And the whole process never stops.
i try to explain that i’m insecure,
but everything in my mouth feels like
being stupid again.
and it’s hard not to look like a mess
when splattered in my brain is
“tell me i’m not an idiot,
tell me that i’m good company
and that you’re not just too nice,
tell me i’m not a waste of space,
tell me that you don’t ******* hate me - ”
those are the words
of a high maintenance *****;
the one that wears anxiety
as her fancy name tag.
they said no one cares
unless you're pretty or dying
but the term "pretty" can't seem
to be worn by my face
it's not fit for my body since
it's either too loose or too narrow
but how is everyone seem to wear it glamorously?
so i decided to hurt myself
to suffocate myself
to drown myself
since it's my last and only option
but they just stand there and watch me
as i go deeper and deeper
in a sea full of suffer and gloom
i know my body, my face, and i
can't own the term "pretty"
so dying is my only choice
and yet they just walk away after i faded in darkness
i thought they said choose one
and i'll be visible?
so i chose one and it's not being pretty
i chose one
and is now yelling for my visibility
but they don't hear my cry
what kind dying
do they want me to?
Sometimes think of happier days
How the sun shines brighter with your touch
All the desire sworn to me
Within confines of your clutch
As brain climbs up and down memories
Performing astounding acrobatics midair
What I want above anything else
For you to prove you care
This is my mind's obsession
Realize there's no turning back
Pills improve mood until effects fade
Then I am forced to deal with what I lack
I hate looking into mirrors...
The fault is mine but,
The problem is you
Everything you've done
Says I'm unimportant
Everything you've said
Makes me wish we never met
I'll fake it for you
She's ashamed of how
When she cries
It burns her chest
and her eyes
It twists her soul
A war upon her
Knives in her lungs as she struggles to breathe
Words arent enough
And she's tries not to scream
Her head is a pounding mess of emotion
Her heart is the strongest
Beats are explosions
She feels smaller than any word can make her
Everyone's expectations are greater
She's ashamed of how when she cries
She feels like the world wants her to die
And she doesnt understand her worth
Or why she's even on this Earth
Of how much it hurts when she cries
Because it makes everyone envy the pain in her eyes
the scars of her yesterdays
would not allow her to see
the beauty in her skin of today