Where was it I left off? Oh yes, the rebellion of a slave to its master

I Believed my deceitful heart knew the way, but the way to disaster

As the days visited me and went, the colder I grew, and the more beauty fled

I scratched, I punched, I kicked, I hit the doors to try to break them open... and continuously I bled...

My eyes grew white and blind... so I could not see the destruction I was causing to myself and around me...

I was so certain that this hall was the hall where my life would unfold, where I'd find everything I could ever need...

Skin chipped away, muscles scrapped slowly down to the bitter bone...  I refused to have anything heal

I made a blood pool mess of pride at the entrance... along with a few puddles of a broken deal...

My God did not leave me though... He was there... but within spirit... but I denied it...I didn't care about my loss of purity

"Do you not have trust?" A young blonde servant whispered, kneeling to my level of insecurity...

"Why continue to make your self suffer when you can rise again?"

"And what reason would I have to rise? My desired fellowship will never amend..."

I intended to be rude to show her kindness and words were not welcome here

"You sound as if our Master is unfair... You doubt him.. you doubt his decisions, His choices, it's that clear..."

"You must be in His favor... To be so hopeful and life filled... Do you even have the slightest taste of suffering?"

Her knees laid in my pool of blood, her blue jeweled eyes stared into mine, my mind constantly puzzling

Closing those sapphires, and reopening them brought forth a vision of her past or tormenting love and tears

" Foolish girl... You're selfish to believe you are alone in this feeling... I was ONCE lock in your cell... Trapped by fear"

"And there are more down another hall who would know that pain all too well... Please... arise and come with me..."

"Why?.... What's the point when I have already fallen and failed and there is no possible better beauty..."

"They can answer your doubts and questions since they have had the same shoes..."

".... but I'm too blinded to even see my self... all I see is strangely you.." I tried to look down... but pain wouldn't allow me to move

"Then I guess you have no choice but to trust me... Do you think you can treat your wounds if you can't even see your own body?"

Anger irrupted inside of me... Only because I know this Blonde was right. So with her guiding hand, I rose to my feet

My soul screaming and shouting... Begging to rebell... but how could I? My body was dying and in defeat...

One warm white skinned arm wrapped around my brittle waist to guide me to the other side of the castle

A trail of blood footprints followed behind me... As I felt the connection between my flesh and the beaten door hassled

Trying to carefully slip away... I could feel the strength in her arm... there was no escape

So off me and this Blonde went... Leaving behind the hall that I want and also, or so I thought, the Hall God had planned and shaped...

I slash my eyes into your version and allowed my dress to sway

A sly grin on my "innocent" face, you thought my lips couldn't pay

"Who would? Be honest, Who ever could?"

"That is the question... Who could ever love me? Some just believe they should"

"But just because they believe they SHOULD doesn't mean they can or COULD... Understand?"

"Only someone with unconditional forgiving love could. Godly love is rare in this land"

"Who could want? Someone with a forgiving, merciful, kind soul. Yes very few."

"But those very few are one of the biggest blessing I needed. Our Savior knew."

"And I know because of Christ, we'd fight for one another. My Savior would fight for me"

"A worthless, rebellious, burning, wicked, soul torn. disturbing, confused flea"

"A sinner, a shadow, who only hides to prepare the perfect timing to fight back"

"Fight back with love, kindness, mercy, and wisdom, This world's system I will hack"

"He sacrificed himself for a shadow, He gave up his life to save me from Hell's flaming bed sheets

"I'M ANSWERING!!! I AM LOOKING AT ME!!! I HAVE BEEN FOR WEEKS!!!"

"I KNOW  HOW DISTURBING  MY SINS ARE AND HOW WRETCHED MY WORDS CAN BE!!!

"BUT THAT GOES FOR EVERYONE!!! I HAVE PLENTY TO SAY!! MY VOICE ISN'T WEAK!!!"

"Yes... I may be like a Cat, but this wild cat is still being tamed!!!

"Jesus lended his hand, He lended his hand to be nail to the cross, a cross of shame..."

"His body was the payment, his blood was the price, his perfection and holy life was the cost."

I felt my heart grow hot as I seen their mind was far from lost

Like dust they disappeared with the wind and I looked back into the mirror of myself

It's funny how we can lie and deceive ourselves... and put the truth on the shelf.

The dear Lord knows I struggle with a double thinking mind

I know the Lie and I know the Truth, as long as I seek him, solutions and peace I know I'll find

I'm going to tell you a story about what a relationship in this day and age should look like

Except this isn't my story to tell. This story goes to the wild Turkey's, for love, they will fight

You see, I work at a rescue center, and we have 4 turkeys. 3 male, and 1 female.

The one female and 2 of the males are rescued.  The last male is a wild turkey. He visits every day without fail

He flies over the fence to visit his female, and she never loved another, not even with the other two

Although there were other wild females, and other recused males, they were determined to keep their loyalty true

And true and loyal they both have always been, and when one of the other males tried to attack

or scare Her love away. The female won't just stand around, she'll put on a fight, and peck at their backs

Their backs are bare, they learned the hard way. Not to mess with loyal love. He can't stay away

Even when I or any other people try to frighten him off, it won't stop him, he still comes every day

If only people could have a strong, loyal, love fighting relationship like these two turkey's.

They've been like this for 4 years... What a lovely lesson we could learn... It's something I want for me.

If tomorrow was my last
I'd do nothing.
I wouldn't skydive
I wouldn't travel
I wouldn't do everything
I've ever wanted to do.

If tomorrow was my last
I'd do as always.
I'd get up
I'd read my bible
I'd go to school
and have an average day.

If tomorrow was my last
I'd act as normal.
I'd smile to others
I'd say "hello"
I'd do my best
as I try every day.

If tomorrow was my last
I'd tell no one.
I wouldn't shout it
I wouldn't scream it
I wouldn't sing it
from every single rooftop.

If tomorrow was my last
I'd never know it.
That's why my usual
day to day consists
of all things I love
the very most.

If tomorrow were my very last
what I do today would be enough.
It would make me smile
It would make me laugh
It would make me happy
Because I have learned always
to be content in the ordinary.

T* wo
W eeks
E arly...
,
N ot
T he
Y oungest...
,
F orever
O btaining
R adiant
T wo
H ues

O nly
F or

F ew
E yes...
,
B right
R ivalries
U nite...
,
A new
R elative's
Y earling...


                          *Hello Again, My Reminder Of my Birth
                                                     *2-24-00

Look into my eyes...
I promise you this adorableness is a disguise

Look at me...
I'm small, thin, fragile, and weary

You could call it fur, what surrounds my face...
A brown thin curtain covers me, a soft lace

My eyes will fool you
A cat with two different colored jewels, this trait goes to few

Yes... I have many traits
That makes you think of me as a kitten... but just wait

But you must be warned
I may look like an easy catch to hold and cuddle, but many skins have been torn.

You may only see cute soft gentle paws
But remember... This Kitten Has Claws...

I rushed to you...  in my light weighted white servant dress.. into your main hall way of many plans...

My Lord... you stood there... your back towards me... but slowly, you turned around and motioned me to come towards you

My eyes did not loose focus as I ran up to you and knelt before your holy presence... and lifted up my hands

"You called for me Oh Lord... What do you ask of me?"

"Another hall of rooms requires your skill in cleaning and organization." Was his command

"A....Another hall?  More rooms?...." I questioned, my head lifted up to see cold sincerity take over his faithful eyes

A single finger pointed in the direction I never thought it would point... I felt my jaw drop...my legs.. I couldn't stand

"My Lord... That hall... Are you certain?" I asked with hesitation. But questioning him only made the answer more clear

"Does the Perfect make mistakes?" His question to my question was my answer... My mind sunk like sand

"...Forgive me but...All the rooms?" I said as my voice lost it's life filled sound... My eyes leaking as I caught a glimpse of the dark unknown rooms...

He grabbed one of my hands and made me stand on my feet. Knowing all of my doubtful thoughts... since I am apart of man

"I will open and close the doors as I see fit in My Perfect Timing... Just obey and trust my words my Good and Faithful Servant..."

I shook my head... I saw strangers... I saw places I never wished to visit... I felt my plans being hanged

"But...My God...what about the hall I've been asking to do for several years? When will I do that one? Why can't I do that one?"

I heard the doors of that hall slam shut, within a gasp of a breath I turned around... pupils shaken.. mind banged

"Thy Will Be Done... Do you not trust my judgement of having you do this hall? Do you not hear nor see your calling? Christina? "

"STOP!" I screamed as I dared to flee form his royal company... and rebelled against his command... My heart beats jammed

I crashed my small frail body that slowly grew gray and dark into the doors of the hall I desired...

I screamed... I shouted.... I wept... I begged... although I knew His mind would never be changed... My wants were ******

"Please... I have so many plans for this hall... maybe if you just listened.... I can't see my self in that other hall..."

I heard His unshakeable foundation of foot steps grow louder as He walked in my direction... reminding me of his demand

"Don't you believe I have plans for you in that other hall? Maybe if YOU just listen to me... You'll see why I see you in that other hall"

I was a fool to try to convince Him...but there was where I remained... refusing to move...for I didn't understand...

Forever by my side He remained...despite my disobedience... I tried to push Him away from me.. from my plans... my hopes

But little did I know what He had in store... as I saw people from the other hall walk towards me... hearing Him say "My plan for you... is Grand..."

*Thy Will Be Done...