And then I asked myself.
How can I still love someone who doesn't exist anymore?

Why am I torturing myself by pretending like I've moved on?

My sadness turns to anger whenever someone mentions your name. Sometimes i wish i could erase everything that ever happen and it kills me that i even think that way now because you used to be my everything. My happiness, my right hand, my soul mate and most importantly...my best friend. I hate explaining the how much pain i had to go through to people because i have to relive it everytime. Do you understand how hard it is to pretend like none of it killed me inside? I hope you're doing fine, and i hope your parents feel better about themselves i hope you live your ******* life too the fullest because thats what you always wanted...was to be happy. So i hope your happy.

I forgot how beautiful you looked,
But i noticed you right away.
Tears began to roll dowm my cheeks i cant remember if it was because i was happy i found you or because i had so much anger held back.
I cant describe the pain i felt or how much anger i wanted to release. I just remember crying, and i remembered how much it just tore me apart. but you were okay, youre living the life, you have so much ahead of you snd it tears me limb to limb knowing that i couldnt be apart of that. Are you happy now? Because All i have is swollen eyes

It still hurts when someone mentions your name.
Because I know I'll never get over the fact that you were once here
Smiling, laughing and loving. I have to remind myself that perfect endings don't exist and no matter how much you want things in life to happen you have to be patient. But patience doesn't heal your pain, patience doesn't wipe your tears from your face,  patience doesn't pick up from the bathroom floor at 2 in the morning....This is why I needed you

On this day a year ago
I asked the girl of my dreams to be mine.
But today has been the loneliest.
On this day a year ago I felt so alive and so full of joy.
But today I cried on my bathroom floor wanting to forget you.
On this day a year ago I told you no matter what, I'd always be by your side Cheering you on.
But today I'm still trying to figure out what went wrong between us.
On this day a year ago... I fell in love.
But today you no longer exist.

I can't remember your voice, and it hurt me so bad because it's the one thing I couldn't go without each day. I can't remember the way you kissed me and told me It was gonna be alright.
I can't remember your touch and it's something I craved so much, I can't remember the way you told me you loved me and how your face would light when I told you I loved you back. No I don't remember anything but the pain I felt after I told you I was sorry.
And it hurts so much..
That I don't believe in love anymore.

So much pain, so much hurt, so much regret and all I can think about is what's next.
How can it get worse?
Or
When will it get better?
Because time is coming to an end.
I can't even imagine my future anymore,
I don't remember the last time I was happy.
I just wish this agony would end.

Nothing has changed, just different people, different attitudes but whatever I do nothing changes. I'm trying, oh gosh Im trying but I keep ending up to where I first started, you. I have so much hate,  so much regret because I can't change the past, i'm trying to change the present but its like I'm in a constant loop. Why?
I could cry all night, smoke until my lungs turn black, drink until I forget but I can't get rid of you. I'm tired. I'm so ******* tired. At the the end of the day, before I cry myself to sleep, I think about when it will stop, how it will stop. Maybe if I end it.... It will stop.

How much more will i have to go through in order to be 'okay' again?
I'm tired..
of faking smiles,
faking laughs,
faking sanity.

Explain to me again, How you can love someone so much and hurt even more.
This pain is so deep its starting to devour me and all i can do is smile.

How many more medications will i have to keep taking in order to be sane again?

It hurts knowing that the only comfort you have is at the end of a bottle,
who you also told all your deepest fears too.

so someone please tell me, once you've had your heart ripped to pieces how do you glue them back together again?

Where I'm at right now is all due to the fact that my heart was torn out of my ******* chest Without a ******* goodbye. I didn't deserve it, no one deserves to be treated so ****** and I was angry, I was mad, I was scared because I didn't want it to happen again so I built a stone wall around my heart hoping that no one would hurt me again. What I wasn't planning on was hurting others instead. But how could I trust someone who doesn't even know anything about me. I told myself I wasn't ready but the vengeance in me kept going because I wanted others to know how it felt to be broken. I was lost. I was hurt. And don't think that not once I never felt anything after I broke people, it hurt me the hardest because this is not who I am and it definitely wasn't my intention. I did things I never in my life thought I would do because I stop caring I stop being scared even though being scared is what made me who I was.

I stop being scared..
And I lost my ******* self.

Things just seem so weird without you, I don't know if I'm still in love with you or the idea of you either way i cant get you out of my head even if i tried and it so hard to explain and talk to anyone about it because i feel like its always gonna be the same response. i will say it took me time to get over you, and now I'm afraid of falling in love again or even saying i love you. I'm so scared that something so precious to me will be taken again and I'm just not ready for it. I wish I could just know the future already without having to go through all the pain.
I just want to know if ill ever be happy again...

i don't want to fall in love again, i don't want to start over and most of all i don't want to forget the comforting feeling I had when you where around. I was in love with so many things, the sky, the rain, the trees, and even the flowers but i was in love with you first. I don't want it to be over even when i know I'm hurting myself, i don't want to forget you. I don't want to forget the way your face would light up when your favorite song came on, I don't want to forget how you would stare at me when i told you i loved you, i don't want to forget all the good times we had because it was the best time of my life and i don't want to let go of that...I don't want to let go of you. I cant let go of you.... So please, i beg of you, don't forget about me.

the best memory I have of you is when we were both laying down in your bed and it was 8 o'clock at night and your parents went to the gym. You plugged in the Christmas lights you had in your room which I always thought was the most beautiful thing to see because you looked up and stared out the window and for a moment I saw you day dream and smile and it made me the happiest person to see you look so beautiful and happy under those lights. I turned on the indie/alternative station on my phone and when I went to lay on your bed you were there waiting to lay in my arms. I wrapped my arms around you and kissed your forehead because at this very moment I knew what I want in life, I saw my whole future and it was being spent with you. As we both stared at the ceiling you asked me “do you think I would be a good mom?” And without hesitation I said “Hell yea!, no one can compare to you” you simply turned red and smiled and laid back into my arms. A few minutes passed and you ask me again another question “why won’t you ever cry in front of me?” I stood in time, and not because it was a odd question but because I knew the answer to it. I smiled at you and replied “because I have nothing to be sad about when you’re around” you quickly but softly looked at me and told me ‘that wasn’t enough’ so I continued to tell you that when I’m around you I feel so free and happy like nothing can phase me, the only time I cry is when I think about how my parents abandoned me…I soon could feel tears fill my eyes but started to wipe them away before you saw but it was too late. You moved my hand and told me to keep going and don’t hold back, so I did but this time I was different. I told you that even though my parents chose different paths without me didn’t mean I was gonna let them bring me down, and when we have kids I will love them with all my heart and be there whenever they needed me, I was gonna be the best ******* parent ever. I didn’t realize it but when I looked down at you your eyes were filled with tears and your face was so red and you quickly hid your face with your hands because you hated the way you looked when you cried but funny thing is I never saw you cry either. I pulled your hands down and whispered to you

“keep going, don’t hold back.”

I just want to be done already.
You don’t understand what it’s like…what its like to wake up from nightmares just to continue living them while you’re awake. You don’t understand the endless conversations I have with myself, making it unbearable to sustain myself. You don’t understand…how many times I think about killing myself each day. I wish you could understand how hot my tears are when they roll down my cheeks and how much it stings. Please understand that I’m hurting and I just need you more then ever

I don't even know why I cry anymore.
Nothing has changed.

So I'll sit here, like nothing ever happen to me with the biggest smile on my face because that's what you do right? You forget everything that ever happen to you, like it never even meant anything to you.

No. ******* im crying.

******* im gonna stay in bed and grieve.
Because she meant everything to me so if another ******* person tells you to "get over it" "move on" ect tell them to **** themselves because it hurts....
It ******* hurts so ******* cry my friend.

God I ******* miss you, like everyone is trying to understand me but they don't ******* understand. I loved her so much and I know she did too regardless of what her parents say. She's a ******* person, with a mind, with a beating heart, with a soul. I wish she would have stood up for herself but I know how hard it was. Whether her love for me was real or not I still ******* adored her. She saved me from my demons, she saved me from myself and the only time I felt something was with her. She made me feel like I cared, like I was a person. I miss her.

Who would of thought that all this **** would have happen to us on this day. I can't stop replaying the moment and I swear I'm going crazy. I never wanted to hurt you or for you to get hurt, I ******* loved you. But with a blink of an eye our worlds, our dreams, our future came crashing down. God I'm so stupid. How could I be so careless? I ******* hate this life and I'm sorry I brought you into it. Im sorry you had to fall in love with someone such as me. The tears keep running down my cheeks but I can't feel anything but just my heart breaking with every fall. We had our whole lives in front of us. Im sorry this is all my fault and I can't stress that enough. I promise you baby girl everything will be okay. You will always be in my heart and I will always love you no matter what.

My thoughts don't even matter anymore.

The nightmares are getting stronger and more powerful. The Worst part is I'm awake.
These heartaches and the struggle to breathe get me the most at night, when you aren't around. I'm tired of crying I'm tired of feeling so over whelmed because I know I can't live without out you. Why can't I live without you?

Staying awake at odd hours is starting to be a continuous thing.
Thinking ,thinking,thinking.
That's all I've ever been able to do and to some people its what I do best.
But the thoughts that I think of would break you down in a heart beat and send chills down your spin.

I didn't always used to be this way,
Ironically
I was just a simple minded child who knew what they wanted in their future. As time flew by, so did my dreams and sooner or later I had nothing to look forward too.
No friends to trust.
No family to talk to.
Nothing.
And its sad how something can go to nothing in the blink of an eye.

The child kept pulling down his sleeves to hide the bruises from the one who he called mother. He felt so much pain and so much hurt and not because his skin was blue and purple but because his heart was too.All he did was try to make her proud but she wouldn't even look him in the eyes to say hello, and what came down to it all she said she had no son she could recall. He couldn't break the constant thoughts going through his head, who would of figured he'd put a bullet there instead...

I wish someone would make a poem about me, but I'm afraid of what their words might say. Would they say I make them happy or would they say I make them sad? But I've never known because no ones written one. I just hope instead of seeing the physical things I do I hope they realize the emotional things I feel. I want them to see galaxies in my eyes and warmth in my heart. I want them to see a person that's worth writing about, I want them to see me. The real me.

We are young and emotional and we are crazy in love, every time I say your name my breathing starts to thicken and my mind goes blank. When are lips first met I didn't know what I was doing but I knew it was right and we both wanted it. When it happened I felt like I could do anything in the world right at that moment, I felt like I was free. You make me happy and without effort too. Every time I think about your beautiful smile my body starts to tingle and my temperature increases. I tend to think to myself "How did such a beautiful human being fall in love with me?" I don't know how or why but you just did and honestly I couldn't ask for anything more.

I'm glad you came into my life, and I never want you to leave. My beautiful girl.

She was little when it started,
The constant remarks made behind her back.
They never seemed to stop and one day she listened.

They pinched at her arms and called them fat,
So she started wearing sleeves,
even though her arms were perfect.

They pulled at her hair and called it *****,
So she started wearing beanies/ hats,
Even though her hair was gorgeous.

They called her conceited,
So she believed she was ugly,
even though She was a masterpiece.

They called her teeth yellow,
So she stopped smiling,
even though it was beautiful.

They called her annoying,
So she stopped talking,
even though her voice was lovely.


They told her she was useless,
So she stopped trying,
even though she meant the world to some people..

When I was younger I use to dream about who I would become in the future and what things I wanted to do but now that I'm here its like over the years people crushed those dream and devoured them. Now I can't even see my future. I don't even know what my goal is anymore.... Reality isn't a thing anymore. Everyone ******* it up with what they thought is reality. So in reality there is no reality. When the depth of your soul devours your mind theres not much you can do but watch, and When smiles turn into frowns and light turns into darkness all we've ever done was run from it, But when the last drop of blood is shed were will we run to next?

Everyday I grieve thinking about the people I loved but could never express the right emotions. I ask myself day and night why I still try but I ignore the fact that I know the answer. I'm tired of everyone finding someone they're so compatible while I sit and wonder what's so wrong with me.
Is it because I'm young?
Is it because I don't have a models body?
Or is it because I know no one will love me because of who I am?...
Everyone will forget me.
Everyone will disappear.
I felt so stupid thinking that I was strong enough to move on with this feeling but its gotten strong and I have gotten weaker...so the only simple thing to do is....
Be forgotten.

I saw it unexpectedly but I made no effort to try to reply because I felt no point.
I'm tired of always trying to be nice, I'm tired of always pretending that what I know is not true. So I stayed away from you. You can be mad, you can be angry but what ever it is I won't know about it because I meant what I said. I will never see you as the same person I saw before you're just as bad as the people you claim to hate. So enjoy your life as I separate mine from yours.

You remind me of a fish I once had, it was calm and gental and always made me laugh and even when I felt no one understood me the my fish did. In till one day it saw me crying but this time made no effort to make me happy and so the fish just swam away. I never saw this fish again and it made me so mad I wish I could have gone back in time so I could stop myself from meeting the fish, but something told me to forget the fish. So I did. I forgave the fish because I understood that it wasn't his fault but mine. This fish has come across once in a while but I've never had the guts to tell the fish I care and miss him.
So I keep to myself because this fish is happy and that all I've ever wanted.

What happens when no one but your fears are there for you just because you decided to tell the person who cared that you could care less?
I don't care if you need me or not just know I was there.

I'm so stupid for thinking I found the one.
I'm so stupid for even trying again.
I'm so stupid because I saw it coming but continued anyway.
But all I want is to be loved.
Not with touch but with heart.
Yet I constantly keep finding myself laying in a bed full of tears.
Is it because im fat?
Is it because I'm ugly?
Is it because I actually thought we had a chance?
I can't figure it out.
I wish someone would just tell me so I can give this constant pain in my heart a break.

This is not what love is, but who it chooses to affect in certain ways.

Day by day I wonder what it would have been like if I came out more girly and more of what my family expected and how life would be so much easier that way. But yet I wasn't, I grieve everyday because in my mind I know what I want to be and I know who I want to be but reality has won the war so far by making my appearance say other wise. Its not easy. I try to tell myself "Do it. They'll still love you" or "if they can except me as gay they can except me as transgender" but deep down I feel so bad for my family.  I know they're just waiting for me to say " just kidding" but I'm not. I want to leave and never come back so I won't hurt my family, but its so hard knowing they need you. But its not the real me.

No I'm not depressed because I'm fat.
No I'm not depressed because I'm being bullied.
No I'm not depressed because I didn't get what I wanted.
But I am depressed but only because of the simple fact that the person I want to be and the person I am are two different genders.
No one wants to help a transgender child.
No one cares if we have feelings or not.
No one understands that the wrong pronouns can upset us.

But when they do...its too late.

I keep feeling that the older I get the more I think about love but love has never been a factor in my life so I see no need to have my concerns, yet I still feel the need to experience it. What stands out the most about love is the fact that I believe I'll never feel it no matter if I change my looks my personality or my ways of life, love seems to escape from my finger tips as if it was never there. I've tried so hard to conquer love in so many ways but no one ever told me it would be this hard. Then that's when it hit me. It was never loves fault nor was it anybody's else's fault...but mines. How do I expect someone to love me when I don't even know who I am? what I am? or what I consist of? How do I expect someone to love me....when I don't even love myself?...

I cried for you when I had no one else to cry to.
I cried to you when I felt like the world was giving up on me.
I cried to you when the deepest part of my heart started to dissolve.
And some how you always seem to be there.
Like you were some kind of hero who could make my world so much better and you did.
So when you cry for me when you have no one else to cry to,
When you feel the world is giving up on you,
When the deepest part of your hearts starts to dissolve...Just Know I'll be there to make your world happy and I'll be your hero.

Yes I fall in love too easy.
Yes I believe the person I barely met two days ago will be the one I've waited for my whole life.
Yes my mind is childish and I should give up my feelings, but I can't, its not that easy.

What do you expect from me? I never had a mothers touch I've never had a fathers discipline yet you expect me to know the way of love. Yet I simply cannot when the way of love never knew me.

I never asked for this life and I certainly never asked to be this way but what can I do? I'm sorry I never met anyone's standards even though they never met mines, I'm sorry I hate touching people because I never got a hug when I was younger, I'm sorry I can't keep promises that were never kept to me.

But you can't judge me because I never knew what I was getting myself into
You can't exclude me because I love someone based on their mind and not the
Their body. I am a different person, I grew up different I never had what a normal family had, But that doesn't make me any less than you are. We all have flaws but some decide to choose whether they want to fix theirs and others decide if they want to embrace theirs. Why can I?

I stood there and watched you leave,
I told myself "why cry now when i was the one who caused it?"
I couldn't help but feel like everything I ever told you was just a lie even if at the time I meant everything I said.

Holding in tears is probably the hardest one person can do even if everyone tells you not to but to me I felt like I had to because i always told you "Why cry over one person when 5 billion others could make you happy?"

I feel my throat get dry and my face get red and overwhelmed just of the thought of how you used to bring sunshine to my cloudy days and how you were the only person I could tell my secrets too.

I told you I would never leave you,
I told you even if we stopped talking I would make the effort to talk to you,
I told you that no matter what pain you felt I would be there with a bandaid and my love to heal your wounds. Times got tough and soon unbearable to the point I thought I would rather die than see your face but the only problem was you were never real...

I woke up and the first thing I thought about was you. I keep denying that I still care for you because I feel no reason too, but you are still my mother or so I think.
All the brutal phone calls with me always having to press 1 and hearing a lady say our calls would be monitored. Its feels like I should stop answering those calls because I hear the same excuses over and over, like "I want to get better", " I want to change for you and your brother", its been 8 years and the only change I've seen in you is your skin tone because of the drugs. And it's like everytime I want to say I'm done with you and your excuses, you get weak and you do stupid stuff so I feel like I need to be strong for both of us.

I remember in 6th grade I was writing a letter to you while you were in jail, and in this letter I told you that some girls were bullying me just because I had a different point of view about love and then I thought to myself about how stupid I sounded because I knew you couldn't do anything about it,you couldn't tell the girls to shut and tell me I was gonna be okay. I just wished I had a mother to protect me but instead I had a mother who protected her boyfriend.

I heard you called last night crying and weeping because you caught him talking to some other girl and how you almost Oded on whatever you were taking, its funny because a week before you were talking about how you wanted to go to a shelter and get a job but I guess that means nothing now like it did before. When they told me what had happen I didn't feel anything...I was just so numb, but deep down I knew I wanted to cry but for what?!

Now Im just sitting here while tears roll down my face because I don't know what's gonna happen next.

I miss the two things I once had
One my mom and two my dad
My dad and I were sometimes close
And my mom used to be fun to talk to
But then one day it all came to an end
when the devil came into their lives
there was nothing I can do but cry.
my dad started messing around with other women,
And my mom was on and off the streets.
I know I was just a little one,
but my feelings were strong and mature.
They stopped paying attention to me
that is when I felt that nobody loved me
I started to pray every single night
and would beg Jesus for just one little sign
to help my mom and my dad
because Jesus was the last person I had
I am still young and I know I have to be strong
because my life isn't over and time isn't gone.