If I had a dime for every instance
I self-sabotaged my own existence
I would be richer than Elon’s kids and
I would be shiny, and I would be drippin’
Something is missin’, you got my permission
To take a blade right to my wishin’

As snow falls
I am filled with calm
Until I am reminded
Remembering
That people put Christmas decorations
Up before Halloween.
The calm is banished
Because
Who the frick does that??

As the sky darkens,
I darken with it.

As the sky swells,
I swell with it.

As the sun rises,
I rise with it.

I was feeling much better
Then I realized my problems hadn’t left
This temporary relief
Was a very short-lived gift.

Words are my comfort-food
I’d binge-eat all day if I could,
But sadly it only changes my mood
And not my life (I misunderstood!)

Welp, that *****.
Eh, I’ll fix my life eventually
*key word-eventually!

Autumn leaves
Summer leaves
Winter’s eve.

Fall is here
After summer’s sear
Before winter’s gear.

Autumn leaves
Crunch beneath our feet.

i have words inside of me
and i can’t say
any of them.
i don’t even know
what they are.
what happened to my voice?
it feels like it’s been a while
since i had something to say.
living underwater, living like a corpse.
i wake up and then go back to sleep
because “awake” is not “autopilot”.

why am i so tired?

If what is bad for the heart
Is good for art
Then you’re gonna make me into a Picasso.

Heart beat-beat-beats quick
Like a drumbeat-beat-beat—or tick
Of the clock, sent speedily
From my chest cavity to my amygdala.

All neurons alive,
Just like a ******* fire,
I haven’t felt this
In a long, long time.

I thought all the good ones
Had deserted this place.

But here is a good one,
You.

Beauty.
Do you know what that is?
I think not.
I thought I knew it too.
But beauty is not objective.
It is not attractive.
Beauty is realness.
Beauty is finding joy
And light too
Within the dark curtain
Of night.

Humans
Are always fascinated
By beauty.
And yet
When we see the world’s beauty
We destroy it
In a greedy attempt
To take it for ourselves.

A burst of color
A tinge of gold
A rescue from the cold, dark, grey.
A fleeting rainbow
A whisper of light
All of these colors
Take over the white
All of these colors
Take over the white.
Do not be afraid
To be colorful.

Best wishes to you
As you leave me behind
“Drive safe, have fun, I’ll see you next time.”
But bittersweet is this goodbye,
Watching you leave to start a new life.

I understand that you have to go,
But I still wish you wouldn’t.
I feel like you’re changing
And I’m not in it.

Are we drifting apart?
You won’t stay the same.
But I know you love this change,
I can withstand the pain.

How has it
Never occurred to you
That I’m sad because
You’re always yelling
At me to do better?

Between the words
Of a book
Is where the magic happens.

Between the words
The characters’ lives
Go way out of
The storyline.

Between the letters
A character
Is not slaying
The dragons
Or slumbering
For a century.

In the margins
The characters think
Outside of the plot,
And while the words
Of a book
Are magical,
between the words
Is the best part.

We are all blind
We all are wearing sunglasses
With shades so strong
That we can’t see the light
Of the world anymore.

Everything is boring
Nothing is new
We walk through a world of nothingness.

We have mediocre awareness
We cannot see past ourselves

I wonder how the human race
Got to be this way.

The poetry
Claws at my rib cage
Like it’s a real cage.
Like it’s minimum wage
Come to pay up, pay a price.
It 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘴 like blood
Or bone.
It blooms like a flower
Then crashes like stone.
It flows out of my lips
Like music’s own bile—
Life’s a trial by fire
But this is fire by trial.

Like a bluebird from a cage
Hope will deliver us
From bad days.

The weird thing with boredom
Is that it always only occurs
When one has quite a lot
Of actual things things to do.

Like right now,
I am writing
Maybe getting a couple of likes
When I should be studying
So I don’t get a grade
That makes me go “Yikes!”

Like right now I feel deprived
Of things to do,
I think it’s cause one gets easily bored
With what’s right in front of you.

I am always afraid.
I would be lying if I said
I am brave and courageous.
I believe that
Fear dictates my life.
I cannot accept the fact that
I don’t need to be scared.
Every day I feel like
I am doing everything wrong.
You will never hear me say
I am awesome.
I have always thought
I am a failure.
It is absolute lie:
I have a reserved spot in heaven.

I submerge myself
In the unreal.
I breathe it in
Pretending it’s air.

It fills my nose
My mouth
My lungs.
Too lost in ecstasy
To know I’m drowning.

And when I break
The surface
It sends pins and needles
Through my brain.

So I sink back
Slowly, just slowly
Letting it envelop me
The descent, a deadly comfort.

𝘞𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘩
I sigh as I breathe again,
Finally, I finally
Made it out.
Made it through.
The storm’s behind me
And even if
I see another one brew
I know
I 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 what I can do.
That I can do
Everything.

Crystal clear
Yet clear as mud
That’s how things go
In this neighborhood.

Do I understand?
No you tell me
The back of my hand
Is confusing to me.

Happily ever after
Is only found in books
Maybe that’s why I read
To get away from what was took.

I am not a liquid
Where what was stolen
Is a hole
Don’t want to live insipid
Wish I was brighter
But I am coal.

Anybody else
Would be okay
But here I am
Broken and frayed.

Sometimes
I feel like everything
I say
Is held against me.

I wonder
Why you wonder
I don’t say anything
Anymore.

I can’t
Tell you anything
Anymore.

In the past
People used my past to control me
But I’m past that so I smack back  
What they told me.
Try to hold me back
But you can’t tack a label
On a fable, I’m a legend
Even if you say I’m unstable.
If in competition, they done lost to me
Take a shot at me, you intelligence apostasy.

Mockingly, they call me an oddity
Probably a product of my comedy
Step back, laugh, then step on me,
See, free entertainment for the public glee!
“Gee, why the negativity?” they say to me
But I am not listening, glistening
In my eyes, but it ain’t tears
Fears, I forgot ‘em, buried ‘em last year.

Why must you stifle me
Why must you stifle my fire.
I never asked you to cool me down
I don’t need to “chill”.

What I really need is to BURN

I may be dark
But I’m not blind
I won’t stick my head into the sand
I will not ignore
What is happening.
I may be dark
BUTIAMNOTBLIND

My faith is mine
And mine alone.

This hope,
You cannot take away.

I’ll be drained
Of each drop of blood,
You’ll drag my name
Through the cherry-stained mud,
But my soul, my soul, my soul
Is saved.

My soul, my soul,
Is saved.

Call me cold
Call me selfish
Call me mean
Call me a liar
But I’m bold
I am cherished
I am keen
No one dares
To deny her.

Your callused hands
Warm me up
Like s’mores on the fire
Like some fries in the fryer

Your callused hands
Protect me
My insurance against humanity
My sword against insanity.

I’d like to inform you guys
That my real name is Malia.
In Hawaiian it means
“Calm and gentle waters”
I am unsure whether it can be true.
I mean, sometimes
I just want peace.
I don’t want to get
All caught up in a storm
Because I know my ship will sink
And I’ll drown.
But sometimes I want to drown.
I want to throw myself in a fire.
Okay.
Maybe not that intense.
Maybe it IS that intense.
But sometimes I just want to watch the flames dance,
And revel in the chaos of it all.

Sometimes calm and gentle waters
Are not for me.

Running
Don’t look back
You can’t look back.
Rain
Runs down your cheeks
In rivulets
They mix
With your tears
Because you’re running away again.
You’re always running.
You hear the voices behind you.
You ignore them.
You can’t go back.
You can never go back.

I’ll do it tomorrow.
That’s what I say every day:
“I’ll do it tomorrow, not today.”
I 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 it’s a bad idea,
but I can’t stop;
𝘐 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱.
Every day, when I wake up,
All I want to do is go back to bed.
I want to 𝒘𝒂𝒊𝒕 for tomorrow like it’s something that 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒔 to me.

It’s just something that 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒔 to me.

𝘊𝘢𝘳𝘱𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘦𝘮.
They say you should 𝒔𝒆𝒊𝒛𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒂𝒚,
But I can’t.

I can’t when it’s just something that 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒔 to me.

We are all a victim of life passing us by.
Of time passing us by.
Of the universe 𝒑𝒂𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒖𝒔 𝒃𝒚.

The universe is so 𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒊𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒕.

But maybe, just 𝒎𝒂𝒚𝒃𝒆, I don’t want to be a victim anymore.

I don’t want 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 to be something that just 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒔 to me.

Catch the stars
Breath in the moonlight
Grow so tall
You can hold the moon.

Speak to an owl
Maybe a fox
In my dreams
Nothing is orthodox.

Life isn’t rainbows and sunshine
But it isn’t all storms and rain either
Everything will turn out fine
But you can’t let life put out your Fire.

Hard work isn’t something to be scared of
I recommend you don’t do like me
Would you rather be tired and successful
Or still tired and a quitter?

These are the lessons I REALLY need to learn.
Anybody got tips on how to change your life?
Change your mind?
Change your heart?

If you were just a soul
How would you manifest?
For all those familiar with Greek mythology
You may know what Chaos is.
Chaos is what-in Greek mythology-
The universe was
Before it was created.
I picture this blackness
But blackness full of purple
And blue
And red dust.
All of this is just swirling in this black hole
Of nonexistence.
Order?
None of it.
Safety?
Lol you’re funny.
Well,
Anyways,
I think my naked soul
Would manifest as Chaos.
I am Chaos.
Order?
Never heard of it.
Safety?
I’m more like “WARNING: MAY EXPLODE AT ANY TIME!!!”
Chaos
That’s what I am.
What are you?

I though I was supposed to have choices.
But you still don’t let me.
You tell me I can object.
But I can’t.
Not really.
So I am instead objecting here.
It doesn’t matter.
You can’t see me anyway.

My dog
Can’t ever
Lay down properly.
He finds a spot
Only to leave it
And run in circles
Because nowhere ever feels
Comfortable enough.

I can’t ever
Love properly.
I find a person
Only to leave them
And run in circles
Because no one ever feels
Comfortable enough.

I am too rational
To fall apart completely
Like a crumbling leaf
In the autumn breeze
But here I am.
I am a piece of machinery
With a faulty circuit board
With a touchy circuit breaker.
Tiny signals
Trigger a robust response
Because anything larger
Exceeds my design limitations.

Does the Winter wash away
The pains I carry every day?
Does the snow cure and purify
Each scar I try to hide?
Does the rain bathe me in hope
That I will no longer be tied by the rope
Of anger and frustration holding me down
Following me everywhere I go, all around?

clear your heart
and follow your mind
turn impossibilities
into things you can feel inside
clear your heart
and meet my eyes
even when your wings get heavy
you will find a way to fly

Drift away
Watching the sunset
Feeling the wind blowing on our backs.

Do you know
What happens
When two stars
Collide?
They either
Turn into
A gargantuan
Mother star
Or a black hole
******* the life and light
Out of all that dares
To exist.

Do you know
What happens
When two people collide?
They either
Turn into a wonderful
Sun that gives life
To all that dares
To exist
Or it flushes
Away the light
Of both people
And reduces both
To heartbreak.

You see grey
Where I see yellow
Sunshine colors
Vibrant orange.

While you are surrounded
By bright blues
And pretty pinks
I am enveloped
By blacks
And dreary browns.

Why can’t we ever see the same?

Contradicting concepts
Are the essence of my being
Yes, it may not make sense
But it makes sense to me.

I love the things that can’t be seen
Or touched or heard or smelled
The type of thing that’s not tangible
That I am always seeing.

I love the way it sparks my fire
Of kindling curiosity
I don’t know if you guys agree
Or if it is only me.

I looked up what contradiction means
It means a combination of statements, ideas, or features of a situation that are opposed to one another.
We are contradiction, my friend.
You oppose me,
Yet we are still combined.

You are something I cannot control
So is that
And that
And that
And literally anything else.

How am I supposed to control those when I can’t even control my own life?

We’re all a little cracked.
Or a lot cracked.
Some are even shattered
Because the world
Isn’t perfect
And neither
Are we.
We cry
Then we laugh.
We are flawed creatures.
But don’t
Let your cracks
Break you.
Flaws are beautiful.
A perfect human
Is not truly human.
A rose that never wilts
Is not truly a rose.
Embrace your cracks, people.

I used to see the rainbow
Now all I can see is rain.
The world seemed beautiful
Because I never saw the pain.
And all I’ve ever asked for
Is for it all to go away
Now all I ever ask for
Is for somebody to please stay.

The cups and plates aren’t ugly
Just because they’re cracked and broke.
And I don’t think it’s funny
When people lose their hope.
And all I’ve ever asked for
Is for my spark to be undimmed.
Now all I ever ask for
Is for it to light the path for them.

I hate to be the person
Who just sits there all alone.
But what am I supposed to do when
I’m all on my lone.
I hate to have to sit here when
Somebody needs my help.
But when I’m hurt or injured
Who is gonna hear my yelp?