She would laugh during prayers and giggle at church
She wore skirts too short, let them slid up her thighs
She dyed her hair colors of rainbow when she got bored
and she did it all because it was her choice

I was warned to stay away from her
"she's a bad influence" and "the devil is near"
they were partially right

She was dangerous,
She was the devil,
And I loved to sin.

My mind is a maze
And I'm lost once again


-FreeMind

Through the broken glass,
I can see the skeleton staring at me.
"Did you give up all ready?
You were never ready for this..."
She teases me, laughs in my face.
But its okay,
My vision is blurry now,
Can hardly see through the tears that filled my swollen eyes.

"What have you done?"
The scream comes from nearby,
Yet feels like it is miles away.
Am I drowning?
No.
I'm sitting in my bedroom floor.
And still everything seems distant.
My lungs are full.
I can not breath.

The broken glass looked tempting.
I did what thought was right.
But theres no time to reassure myself.
More screams, more worries.
The skeleton is still across from me.
I'm giving in.
You won.


-FreeMind

его присутствие для меня было как снег
для слепого человека.
я осознавала его существование
но все равно чего то не хватало.
для меня это было теплоты и уважения
которого я даже в юности не получала от моей семьи.
но почему то я все ждала и надеялась почувствовать это
от чужого мне человека...

How can they judge me for loving you?
Keep calling it a sin, saying God doesn't love me...
How do they know? What makes them think that I am unworthy of Gods love?
If my love for you is unconditional, and God is omnipotent shouldn't Gods love be infinite like Gods power?
A God that does not love their followers is not a God I want to believe in
For Love should be praised For
Love is Love

I want to be that book You can't stop reading.
I want to be that song You can't stop singing.
I want to be that air You can't stop breathing.
I want to be that life You can't stop living.










Oh Darling, tell me I'm enough!


-FreeMind

Surrounded by dullness,
Feeling nothing by emptiness,
And all at once it starts to close up on me.
Leaving me breathless,
Sending pain across my shivering body.
Blind by the darkness that has once again become a piece of me,
I start to feel at home.
This feeling that most would refers to as awful blankness
Leaves a smile on my face.
Is it that I'm used to it? Or have I gone completely mad?



If only they knew that Madness is unstoppable.



-FreeMind

Take this box and run far, far away
To a land hidden from those that don't want to be gay.

Run until your knees feel weak
And your legs can't hold you much longer.
Run until your head is spinning
And your eyes can't see much farther.

You may stop when all you hear is kind laughter.
For the box holds a treasure that can't be gone after.

'What is in this box?'
You might want to ask.
So I urge you to listen
To the 'Boom Boom' inside.

Yes, kind stranger, it is my heart.
For there is no more love left inside, it has fallen apart.

But over the years I have grown older and smarter
And now I know that a loving heart isn't an armor.
I want it to be far away from those that have hurt it.
Protect it, Keep it safe, Don't let them destroy it.


For I have faith.

Love is not Dead.



-FreeMind

With shampoo in my hair
And shower gel running down my back,
I hear an unexpected knock,
And realize that you came back,
Fully dressed in Black.

I run down as you scream for me,
And see you standing with your eyes inside of me.
"The Man in Black" they call you,
"The one that ends it all" they say.

I can't believe you came again to see me doing fine and well.
I told you not to come again,
I told you I was fine,
And yet you know me better than all,
Cause it is you that I desire.

So I welcome you
Back into my open arms,
As we sit and drink while remembering all the past
In which we could have been.
Until I left you for myself.

But when I look up I see you staring.
This time not at me,
It's right through me,
And that's when it hits me...

You have taken what was left of me,
As your lust for me could not be tamed.



-FreeMind

And like a fool,
I let you take me to the dark,
Where you would rule.
"But will you let me see the spark?"

You tricked me with your smile,
And now I am trapped,
But can't compile
There reason for this dark desire...

Lies! All silly little lies.
This is your game,
But whats the prize?

And now I know...


I was a Marionette.
Made to entertain you, due to threat.
Perform in the theater when you were bored.
Was I not warned?
"Oh how I wish I was adored!"

And all of a sudden, my strings got old,
They broke apart.
The puppet is sold.
I thought I was smart,
But am no longer in your tiny little heart.



-FreeMind

November, November, November
I kept wondering why November was on my mind these past few days.
Was it the Autumn weather? Or the festive mood?
Thoughts kept wandering around, spinning inside my head, when I realized I missed November because of you.

November, November
When our friendship turned into something more.
When I could kiss your soft lips and
hold you tight.

November
The month we might not spend together again...
You haven't left yet, but I already miss you...

Will I ever find out if death is as peaceful as it sounds?

You are laying down in a field filled with daffodils
The birds are singing happy tunes
The sun is shining just for you
You are looking up into the sky thats filled with cotton clouds
The long growing grass is keeping you warm
The butterflies are dancing just for you
You feel safe
You feel at home

My darling, My love, My little daffodil
Let me wrap you in my arms to replicate that feeling
Let me kiss you slowly to send shivers of joy down your spine
I need you and I want you
To feel safe with me
To be at home
Our home



-FreeMind

My whole body is shaking.
No.
The whole house is. An earthquake?
Can't be.
Ah. Of course.
The rumbling is caused by a natural cause, my mom.
She is cursing us, telling us to **** ourselves. What should we do?
I think of ways to end it fast. Kitchen knife. Wrists.
She can't be serious, can she? She can't mean it, can she?

My head in the clouds,
My heart in the sky,
This is when I realize I cannot say goodbye.

Beauty surrounds me,
It fills my insides.
Nature is glory,
It is joy to my mind.

My hands in the air,
A sweet melody on my mind.
I am finally free,
Not drowning in the ocean glee.

Theres no reason to run,
No reason to hide.
Desire to explore the nature,
Is pervading inside.

My head in the clouds,
My heart in the sky,
This is when I realize I cannot say goodbye.



-FreeMind

One day, Time will stop.
You will no longer be filled with all these feelings that once brought you joy.
There will be Nothing left to inspire you.
Nothing to bring you that tiny bit of Happiness.
There will simply be Nothing left.

And when that day comes, it will be up to you,
To decide to continue,
Or to simply give up that last breath of air that fills your lungs entirely.
And in that moment the decision might be final.
But before you let go. Stop. Think.

Think about all those times your stomach was filled with butterflies,
And your mouth filled with laughter,
And your lungs surrounded by a garden of flowers that grew inside of you.
Just stop. Think.
Think for as long as you have to- until you realize that once you let that air go,
All you have to do is take a deeper breath and fill yourself with Life.
Because One day can turn into a New day, but only if You chose so.



-FreeMind

Bright light descending from the window in front.
Stepping outside onto the wet grass, to take a closer look at Beauty.

The Sun and the Moon at two opposite sides, at the same exact time.
Frozen for several mesmerizing moments.
Suddenly beginning to notice the gloating of the beaming stars.
Microscopic elements that make up our reality.
Glazing into space, unable to picture another galaxy.

Ignorant. Is what we must be to disregard the endless possibilities.
Seeming powerful in this world has no control over the Universe.



-FreeMind

I bury the thoughts of you deep, deep down
Into the emptiness that is now, simply, a ghost town

May these thoughts forever remain unharmed
Protected by the burst of emotions that shall keep them armed



-FreeMind

Would you agree if I said that nothing lasts forever?
That things fall apart before we can ever get them together?

When the days are short and nights are long it is this we are all thinking of...
We build our life on the constant ocean tide that only keeps moving forward.
But the ocean is unpredictable, no one is spared, nothing lasts forever.

We grow and move on but there are still some that fall, and it is up to us to help them when things fall apart.

No matter how hard we try, no matter what is at stake, things fall apart because nothing lasts forever.



-FreeMind

Oblivious to the reality I live in,
I'm slowly driven insane by the madness surrounding me.
The walls that have been build up from stories you told me,
Are now shattered with lies.
They break above me, suffocating me with their heaviness.
And yet it feels like nothing worse then my day-to-day life.
Maybe I'm used to it? Or maybe you just ruined me this much...



-FreeMind

The worst thing about Pain is that it is inevitable.
As humans we never know when it will strike us.
We can only wait and hope for the best.

But with Pain, comes its best friend Anxiety,
And when those two come together,
They become a killer team.

Tell me I did not warn you,
For the harm that was to come
The grief that overtook your soul…
And now you are gone.



-FreeMind

They say love is blind, but how can that be?

I see all the colors of your body and soul
crashing onto the canvas of my life
filling the pages with mixtures and combinations
that I would not dream of
I long for the red, orange, yellow,
for the green, blue, purple
I long for it all

They say love is blind, but that can't be
for love is you
and me

When I was young, my mother promised me that tears could wash away my pain.
That no matter how much They brought me down, everything would turn out to be okay.

This lie was planted inside of me and grew roots that were unwilling to let go of my organs.
The tinny seed proceeded to expand across my body, joining in with my blood veins.
It clung on to me so tight, that most nights I spent long hours just trying to catch simple bits of breaths.

Several years passed and despite the consequences, I still choose to believe in this lie.
That I am worth something, That things will only get better, That time heals, and That they are only mean because they are jealous.

As if it were that simple.
Life is merely a deceiving game of those in power and of those in need of it.
Those left behind are consulted by the melody of triumph that they believe is played for them.
If only they knew that life is not that simple.

How can we say that we are more than simply animals, when all we do is loathe the existence of those better than us?
How can we say that we are superior, when all we are filled with is disgust and envy?

But maybe we are not all like that?
And maybe that is why the so-called "lie" continues to spread its roots inside of me.
Maybe there is still Hope for our nation to reunite and stand together as one whole.

I would like to believe in such Hope.
Because maybe this "lie"... will be diminished of its undignified title.



-FreeMind

i lost a piece of me in you
that i try to find in every boy i meet
reading them like books
i give the boring ones away
hoping to exchange them for something
that will bring me back to you


-FreeMind

I wish I could tell you how wonderful you look in that dress
Or maybe compliment your heartfelt laugh
Perhaps I could mention your ability to make everyone feel loved
There is so much to say about your wonders
But I know your response will be the same, "Thank you"

Well how could it be any different?
I don't expect you to push me against the wall and kiss me
Although that would be great
And yet, I want you to know these aren't just compliments
They are words of truth, of love

I wish things could all be simple in this complicated world
But I am a girl
Who likes a girl, Who may or may not feel the same way
But how should I know?
We are good friends. And I want more. But I can't just ask.

Because life is not simple and I am afraid.




-FreeMind

I close my eyes and try to think of something nice
Something that has made me smile
Something that has made me laugh

And I think about the days that weren't all that tough

When the sun rays danced lightly on my skin
When the wind whispered softly in my ears

When you sat by my side
Holding my body close to yours
Protecting me with your strong arms
Feeling the beating of my heart in your chest



-FreeMind

I have read many books about military veterans
How they get war flashbacks
Stuck in a loop of PTSD
Consuming them

I too have PTSD
Flashbacks, but not of war
Of things You did to me, over and over again
And its consuming me... and I will fight it no more



-FreeMind

Did it mean nothing to you?
When I opened up the gates to the complex realm
Filled with broken, burning particles of stars
That never got their opportunity to shine.
It was open just for you. Just for those few seconds.
You did not come in. You did not leave either.
How ignorant of you to keep those gates open.
To dismiss those pieces as if they were dust,
Leaving me more empty handed and broken than before.

You are gone.
But you will never feel that pain, that emptiness -
The only feelings that are left in me.
As I slowly fade away into the dark deep realm of a greater creation.

The realm of fallen souls.




-FreeMind

A tempting desire arises when I look inside your eyes,
Such history and mystery concealed by just one smile.

To rob me of my conscious and free me of distress,
Makes you the best of demons that I have ever met.

Now take me away, down the empty hidden hole,
And promise me to cure all of my broken soul...




-FreeMind

I notice myself swinging to the rhythm of her soul,
With her I can embrace the freedom of the mind.

~
~Let go~
~

Dance to the rhythm
Sing with the beat
Satisfaction will approach you
Makes the air feel sweet

Dance to the rhythm
Patience is pleasing
Help the poor musician
Just keep on believing




-FreeMind

The scent of innocence clung on to her,
Spreading over to those passing by,
Cleansing them of their sins.

The purity of her soul overwhelmed those in the wrong,
They knew they stand no chance against her goodness.
Her ability to start over, to let go of the past,
Was mesmerizing to those that have fallen.

She became an inspiration,
A motivation,
To all who were around.

Praise to her, the creation of the Sun.
They joy, the light,
That she shone upon them, made them all feel worthy.

The love for her grew stronger,
Spread quicker,
Until she was not enough to sustain the desires of others.
And so they took her,
Not willing to share.
They ruined her.

They put an end to the Lotus.


-FreeMind

She is madly insane.
He can't get enough of her.

He fell into a trap once he gazed into her dark brown eyes.
She hypnotized him with just one glance.
Nothing more was needed than a slight smile,
Her lips pressed together made him want to stay for a while.

He watched her dance under the rain,
Let her play with his hair.
There were no boundaries, no rules he could set for her.
She was free and he knew it all along.

He wanted her to stay but knew it wouldn't last.
He was sane.
And She was the reflection he saw in his mirror.
Because his sanity made her want to be even more
Insane.



-FreeMind

And in that instance,
As her eyes looked up at me, I knew-
She possessed the hidden secret of this universe,
That I will forever wish to preserve.



-FreeMind

Do you see those shattered bricks on the ground?
The ones you kick every time you pass by?
That broken mess that you joke about with your friends?

That was my safe place.
Those ***** bricks were once much more.
They made up the walls around my heart.
A sanctuary.
Beautiful and gold.
They kept me safe from the harm that you bestowed upon me.
Thunder, storm, a hurricane,
Nothing was capable of breaking it down.
It saved me from fire and from ice.
It helped me live, survive.

It could not be broken from the outside.
But you knew a way in.
You fooled that shy little girl into believing that you were the one.
Her naive nature let you inside, with hopes
That you would bring flowers into that lonely sanctuary,
And fill it with Love.

You desired none of that.
You pulled her into the darkness
Where no moon and stars could reach her.
She was alone with a monster that she let inside herself.
And there, the deed was done.
Before she knew it, you were gone.
Leaving her empty and even more alone.

The walls fell slowly.
Breaking everything in their sight.
Leaving no mercy.
Taking down her heart too.
Leaving it like a rotten fruit.
Dark and *****.
With scratches and bruises.
Completely demolished.

Years went by.
She had all the time in the world to rebuild her safe zone.
But no strength was left.
Her will was gone.
Her power vanished.
So she waited.
For someone to come and help her recover from the pain and trauma.
But no one wants a broken doll.
A misused, beaten, little doll.

Alone she lived while years went by.
Without you, or them, or anyone, by her side.
Her tears dried up.
Her peachy fresh body turned to sharp edgy bones.
She no longer believed in Love.
And no longer cared about Life.
She just waited for it to all pass by.

And so it did.
Her only joy now is seeing her own ribs.
She doesn't let her cuts fade away.
She talks to no one-
Makes them all stay out of her way.

She is dying.
A slow painful death.
Look what you did to her.

Look what you did to me.





I am dying.




You are killing me.



-FreeMind

Tumbling down the endless empty hole,
Effortlessly being buried whole.

Distance separating us further,
No words heard, all murmur.

I'm begging you to stay,
But you don't dare to come closer.

Afraid that I will push you away,
No way to stay together longer.

Too far, now out of reach,
I'm pleading you to hold me longer.

Its too late.

You left.



-FreeMind

For many years I have refused to admit the truth,
Afraid of judgements, my mind constantly running loose.

But I am finally ready.
The truth should be spoken.

I like a girl.



-FreeMind

It saddens me to admit the truth
You stole my heart once more.

But I cannot accuse you for that awful crime
I wanted you to take it
I wanted you to have it

You made me happy
You made me proud

And so I grew believing that that was our life
I fell deeply in love with that bashful smile of yours
That keeps fooling me, making me believe I'm truly yours



-FreeMind

if i asked you to let me breathe
would you move your hands away from my neck?

Lying awake at night, you hear a sudden 'thump'.

The twitching lights seemed like a glitch in your eyes.
The creak of wood has caught you by surprise.

What does this all mean?

Desire to escape infuses you.
But you stand still. You wait.
The ruins of your past have been stacked together,
Created a concrete wall of protection around your broken soul.

You are armed now.

The demons can no longer dominate your shattered force.
As of now, you are whole.

Let the demons come!
They won't dare to suppress you!
Your newly earned title "Warrior" -
Must be worn with Pride and Affection.



-FreeMind

I look at you and I see myself.
a sad, lonely, naive
version of myself

Heavy pouring rain
That almost drowned me inside
Did not seem too bad when you first said
"Hello".

The next few days went fast and taunting,
Who was that man that left me hoping?

Strong destructive winds
That almost blew me away
Did not seem too bad when you stopped by again
And thats how I got to know your name.

The next few days had left me dreaming,
When will I see him once again?

No longer grey
The clouds made the sky look calming
And life was kind to me
And so was he.

The next few days went slow and gentle,
How did I not know I needed him before?

Sun is shining bright
We are sitting, leaving no space apart
Our hands are locked together
We hope that this will last forever.

The next few days have been so strange,
Whats wrong with him? Are things not going well?

The rain and wind have all came back
But this time not for me.
He let them take him far away
And did not stop to say
"Goodbye".

The next few days left me confused,
Why didn't he tell me? I thought things were good...

As it turns out he needed help
But I was preoccupied with my life at hand.
I sat in silence waiting,
For him to come home to me.
But days went by and he stayed gone.

And I could not stop thinking of that first "Hello".


-FreeMind

How long until I can live my life outside my mind?

Reality is slipping away as I bury my face into a black mirror that I use to escape.
And how I wish I could escape...
Live without the fear of a bleak future, by painting my days with a rainbow of color. Yet, I am surrounded by walls built up by "loved" ones, who try to protect me but are simply limiting me.
It cannot go on like this.
I long for freedom.
I shall set myself
free

You cant escape reality
When it hugs you like a casket
Ready to burry you deep into the ground


-FreeMind

Together we stood looking out onto the sunset,
The perfect mixture of purple, pink, and orange.
A sunset that seemed to last forever.

And thats what we had hoped for. The never ending sunset,
So we could cherish every second by each others side.

Lips locked and hands held tight we waited for the sun to disappear.
And when it finally vanished into the emptiness that surrounded us,
It did not feel too bad. Not bad at all.

But all I had to do was look up,
To realize that you were no longer by my side.
You disappeared with the sun; with the purple, pink, and orange.

I remained frozen. Absorbed by nothingness.
The love we shared was purifying and yet it was too good to last.
And although I want you back...
There was a price to pay for our happiness.
For joy and pleasure, who's deadline we thought we could surpass.
And so we had to pay for it all...

The Price of You and Me.



-FreeMind

Three years have passed, and yet I'm still trapped inside your big, loving, suffocating arms.
And I still can't decide if I want you to let go, or hold tighter.
Truth is, I can breathe all the same. I just don't know if the air satisfies me anymore.

No matter how many men love me
In my mind, I'll always call them by your name.
For you were the blueprint, and they are just
******* versions.

Nothing will make me forget you,
No matter how hard I try,
No matter how long it takes.

You've sewn your heart on mine
With a needle the size of a knife


-FreeMind