If I summon you like a demon
will you stay the night?
October 23, 2021
They want you
thinking you are as easy as a piece of cake. Not realizing that you are as sour as a lime, as spicy as a chili pepper.
So you **** yourself before any of them can get to you first.
You play with yourself life Tchaikovsky played the piano, to feel a certain high. To feel anything that might make you
forget the pent-up anger that you have build up for years. Those stupid souls, they will never understand, they will never know.
They want you.
It's an addiction, it's an obsession.
You can't get away.
They want you.
October 8, 2021
like a spider on your bedroom door that you
want to get rid off but are too afraid to ****.
like the paperclip you misplaced and
completely forgot about.
like dull scissors that don't cut.
October 6, 2021
At 22:00, I started drinking to ease the pain away, to
calm down, to let loose.
drink after drink after drink
Glasses are being refilled without my asking. A magic trick.
At 00:00, I can no longer stand but I still think straight, I
know I haven't reached my limit yet. There's
still a goal to reach, a purpose to serve. And I
drink I drink I drink
No longer knowing which glass is mine, I take a large gulp.
At 02:00, you are on my mind. Your face blurry, a man unknown to me.
Your faults are long forgotten. The ringing in my ear is replaced with your whisper, and
I want you I want you I want you
October 4, 2021
Is it a sin to remember you five years too late?
To think of your soft lips and rough hands?
To wish that you would come back?
The more I think, the more I realize that I don't mind sinning. I will make a deal with the devil, and sacrifice all I've got. I will bathe in blood under the full moon, and lay in a circle of crystals. I will do anything and everything.
September 24, 2020
I don't want to be tied to you by this invisible rope,
existence of which you are unaware of. This
embarrassment is too much for me to handle. I don't
want to think of you the way one thinks of a lover. For there
is no love.
There never was.
September 24, 2021
If I could choose to be reborn as anything I wanted, I would
choose the sunset, in hopes that you would finally look at me.
Perhaps, I would choose the rain, with the intention of feeling your skin. Or else, I would choose the strongest ocean wave, so I could pull you deep down and keep you to myself
August 9, 2021
I will dance with you
when your energy surpasses that of the
sun, but won't that be easy for you?
I will sin more, because I know
I won't find you in heaven.
I will read more, to
feed my imagination of us together.
I will only whisper, so you are
forced to lean in and listen to my word.
I will become your sugar, your alcohol, your cigarettes, your drugs
I will become anything to make you stay...
August 9, 2021
My whole body is shaking.
The whole house is. An earthquake?
Ah. Of course.
The rumbling is caused by a natural cause, my mom.
She is cursing us, telling us to **** ourselves. What should we do?
I think of ways to end it fast. Kitchen knife. Wrists.
She can't be serious, can she? She can't mean it, can she?
July 4, 2021
I wonder if all poets write about you.
A version of you
that I will never know
or never see
or never want to be with.
Endless poems filled with your thoughts and actions and feelings
June 29, 2021
I said I wouldn't, but I lied. I
Will open the window for you if you
Promise to visit me once more. I
Will let you enter and stay with me tonight, if you
Promise not to leave me again.
Not even if I ask.
Not even if I beg.
June 29, 2021
No matter how many men love me
In my mind, I'll always call them by your name.
For you were the blueprint, and they are just
Nothing will make me forget you,
No matter how hard I try,
No matter how long it takes.
June 24, 2021
Listening to the song that you called your favorite in 2016,
thinking about you,
wondering if maybe you are thinking about me too...
March 28, 2021
I remember watching you laugh,
Keeping close attention to the way your lips moved,
Noticing the gap between your teeth that you so desperately wanted to hide.
I remember wanting to kiss you.
To feel the warmth of you on my skin and have your
Radiating energy surround me, holding me in your embrace.
I don't think those thoughts anymore,
For I know that your body has long gone cold...
March 25, 2021
They say love is blind, but how can that be?
I see all the colors of your body and soul
crashing onto the canvas of my life
filling the pages with mixtures and combinations
that I would not dream of
I long for the red, orange, yellow,
for the green, blue, purple
I long for it all
They say love is blind, but that can't be
for love is you
February 17, 2021
You expect me to tell you that I love you back but I'm tired of lying
February 12, 2021
How long until I can live my life outside my mind?
Reality is slipping away as I bury my face into a black mirror that I use to escape.
And how I wish I could escape...
Live without the fear of a bleak future, by painting my days with a rainbow of color. Yet, I am surrounded by walls built up by "loved" ones, who try to protect me but are simply limiting me.
It cannot go on like this.
I long for freedom.
I shall set myself
January 29, 2021
Your hand moving up my thigh,
Your lips on my neck,
Our bodies intertwined.
Things might have ended roughly, but every fortnight I think about you
Dreaming of what could have been
Wishing that we still had a choice, an option, a chance..
If I could do it all over again, I would.
I would cry and scream and fight, but in the end of it all I would have spent another year with you.
Kissing, Hugging, F.......
December 28, 2020
See the truth is, I love you.
But loving you causes too much pain, so I must learn to love myself instead.
December 23, 2020
I want to kiss the girl of my dreams
but every time our lips meet
I wake up
I would do anything to never wake up
December 13, 2020
One day, I will wake up with the dreadful realization that I have spent my youth following the rules of my strict, conservative, religious parents.
And despite my love for them, I will look back at my teenage years reliving one mistake. Dating a boy who used me.
I would have learned from that mistake. I would have grown form it.
But I will still look back, wondering why I haven't gone out as much. Why I stopped making friends. Why I never partied. Why I never did anything spontaneous. Why the night before dyeing my hair purple I decided to cancel my appointment so I could avoid facing the disapproval from my parents. Once again.
It is hard to be the child of a dyeing nation.
A nation that is glorified for pride and honor.
But where sexism and homophobia exists.
I will remain the brown haired girl that stays at home and studies on a Friday night. That spends her Saturdays reading books about the life she will never experience. Hoping that she dies before realizing that her life has been a waste.
November 28, 2020
I have disappointed her once, and I will not do it again.
Sparks of joy fill my eyes when I see you, and I get a sudden urge,
to pull you into my arms and never let you go.
To kiss you endlessly, to hold onto your body, to feel your warmth, to smell your perfume, to caress your skin, to play with your hair...
Oh, what I'd give to be with you...
November 25, 2020
I would like to let you go, but my mind is filled with thoughts of you. If I go a day without thinking of you, you appear in my dreams.
There is simply no escaping you.
You have full control over my life, and I proceed to live with you in
my memories, my hopes, my dreams.
Or perhaps they are nightmares? For I don't truly want to see you.
And so I ask, I beg, I pray
that You let me go instead.
November 25, 2020
Three years have passed, and yet I'm still trapped inside your big, loving, suffocating arms.
And I still can't decide if I want you to let go, or hold tighter.
Truth is, I can breathe all the same. I just don't know if the air satisfies me anymore.
November 15, 2020
Where is the line between life and death? And why can't we just cross it whenever we want?
Can a person be on the line? Both dead and alive? Or neither dead nor alive?
Why are we threatened with hell when we simply want the pain to end?
November 15, 2020
"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you"
I repeat this mantra days on end to remind myself of the pain you caused, when I was young and lost and confused and naive.
A silly girl in "love". Believing in the impossible, hoping for it to last forever.
Eternity is all we have but nothing in this world is eternal. So when I am lost, I turn to the illusion of freedom that I might one day achieve.
November 15, 2020
Your cursed this day
November 7, 2020
She said she saw you in that hotel
and now I quietly beg her to take me there
never wanting to miss the opportunity of accidentally seeing you myself.
we drive by the hotel often and I can see you with my eyes closed, sitting inside the lobby I have never been in,
imagining you eating in a restaurant that only exists in my mind.
you are just in my mind
October 12, 2020
I'd like to think that I can speak to you with my mind. That our thoughts are interlinked, intertwined, like our DNA which can only be altered by a mutation. What is the mutation of our relationship?
Is it the force? Is it the fear? Is it the lack of trust?
Is it me?
Is it me?
Is it me?
October 11, 2020
In my dreams
I see you vividly, as you follow me around.
I see your puffy lips, your small blue eyes, you brown hair that I could swear was ***** blonde,
I see your bushy eye brows, your straight nose, your imperfect skin.
In my dreams, I see you.
As I open my eyes
You disappear without a trace, and although I know
Your features, and I know them well. I can't place them all together.
Your face becomes the face of a stranger.
As I open my eyes, you cease to exist.
September 30, 2020
Why do we struggle to accept our beauty?
Why is it so much easier to notice our own flaws?
September 20, 2020
No one knows my tears, my pain, my struggles, my thoughts like my Pillow
September 17, 2020
мне не нужны открытки с твоими поэмами,
и шоколад можешь оставить себе.
Я просто хочу читать книги и жить в тишине,
August 30, 2020
Я не хочу умирать зная что ты ещё жива
ведь оставлять тебя одну в этом ужасном мире жестоко
я лучше сожгу его дотла чтобы мы смогли уйти отсюда вместе
August 30, 2020
They will never understand what it's like
to be ruled by the Moon, controlled by the Tides.
My devotion has never been stronger and I present myself to them,
Beg the spirit of the Moon and Ocean to take me away
August 27, 2020
У моей любимой,
и страсть огня.
Она нежная как воздушные облака,
любить её опасно.
Но она всё держит меня за руку и тянет меня к реки,
там нас унесет течения в Параллельный мир где мы сможем жить.
August 26, 2020
People are afraid of death, of being surrounded by the never ending Darkness.
Left alone with no one to comfort you and nowhere to go.
I see it differently. I see wholeness.
A chance to finally be free.
July 8, 2020
How can they judge me for loving you?
Keep calling it a sin, saying God doesn't love me...
How do they know? What makes them think that I am unworthy of Gods love?
If my love for you is unconditional, and God is omnipotent shouldn't Gods love be infinite like Gods power?
A God that does not love their followers is not a God I want to believe in
For Love should be praised For
Love is Love
June 28, 2020
Happy Pride month <3
его присутствие для меня было как снег
для слепого человека.
я осознавала его существование
но все равно чего то не хватало.
для меня это было теплоты и уважения
которого я даже в юности не получала от моей семьи.
но почему то я все ждала и надеялась почувствовать это
от чужого мне человека...
June 26, 2020
if i asked you to let me breathe
would you move your hands away from my neck?
June 20, 2020
sometimes I wonder what I would do if I were to see you again
would I run the opposite direction, or right into your arms?
June 15, 2020
Everyday at 6 o'clock I see you on the swings alone
You swing standing
Wearing your red headphones and your tiedye miniskirt
Not noticing the world pass by around you
As the sun begins to set
Your long hair resembles the golden curtain in my room
I watch you watch the changing colors of the sky
Wondering how anyone could have the bravery to disrupt your inner peace with an innocent hello
Written in August 2019
I like seeing you happy
I just wish you shared that happiness with me
May 29, 2020
She would laugh during prayers and giggle at church
She wore skirts too short, let them slid up her thighs
She dyed her hair colors of rainbow when she got bored
and she did it all because it was her choice
I was warned to stay away from her
"she's a bad influence" and "the devil is near"
they were partially right
She was dangerous,
She was the devil,
And I loved to sin.
May 28, 2020
You told me I would never change
but I learned to put myself before You,
to love and protect myself from You.
May 27, 2020
I'd like to say that I never loved you, but the truth is, I didn't know what love was.
We create our own concept of love
based on our thoughts of what it is and what it should be.
We learn from our parents, from the books we read, from the movies we watch, and decide for ourselves what we want to receive.
I thought that to keep you happy I had to endure the emotional and physical pain you caused me. And in return you would buy me flowers, teddy bears, chocolates.
That was love.
But that's not what it is anymore.
May 25, 2020
I look at you and I see myself.
a sad, lonely, naive
version of myself
May 24, 2020
I talk to him once a day, for a mere few minutes
but our conversations are empty
it makes me think about the conversation i had with you
all those years ago
talking for hours on Skype
not wanting to end the call
falling asleep to the sound of each others breath
and waking up to each others alarms
What did we talk about?
Why was it so important?
May 10, 2020
i lost a piece of me in you
that i try to find in every boy i meet
reading them like books
i give the boring ones away
hoping to exchange them for something
that will bring me back to you
May 3, 2020
I have read many books about military veterans
How they get war flashbacks
Stuck in a loop of PTSD
I too have PTSD
Flashbacks, but not of war
Of things You did to me, over and over again
And its consuming me... and I will fight it no more
April 8, 2020