If the ache in the core of my being stops
If my eyes stop flooding dry land
If my mind stops gasping for air
If my sleep becomes tranquil
If I stop thinking your going to walk into my room
speaking the word I longed to hear
"I never left Chris, I'd never leave you"
does that mean its getting better
or does that mean I'm going crazy.

Paper soulmates
Drawn together by fate
Glued into each other's lives persistently
As we are paper soulmates we are prone wear and tear
Torn paper is truly unfixable
You can only try to sellotape together what has been torn apart
Scrunched paper can't truly be smoothed out again,
there is still going to be evidence of past experience
Our story Inked onto the pages of our body
Stained by water, the ink smudges off of us
Our stories ??
unreadable

Why do I keep checking my phone for a message I know I haven't received
why do I keep waiting for something that is non existent ?
Why do I keep hoping for a miracle ?
Why do I keep loving you ?
Why is it when I want to move on your always there with an outstretched hand drawing me back to you ?
Why is it that whenever you call I keep running back ?
Why is it that whenever I'm around you my face that usually says nothing is like an open book ?
Easily read
Why is it that you can see through my soul?
Why ?
Why do u do this to me ?
Why do u make me hurt ?
Why do u make me think ?
Why do u make me cry ?
Why do u make me angry ?
Why do u make me jealous ?
Why do u make me feel ?
Emotions I'm not used to cause I've been emotionless for years and haven't realised
Why are there so many unanswered questions when it comes to you ?

I had the craziest dream
where in it you said to me
"let's just run away with each other"
it's so crazy because you don't even know I exist
I am nothing but invisible.

The tears slowly run down my face
Leaving a wet trail path leading away from my eyes
Dragging away my pain
Pulling the abhorrent images which I have seen
Washing them down my cheeks
Until they drip on the cold ground
Almost in slow motion
As I hear the silent splat of my fears on the pavement.

You know I smile because it’s better than crying
It’s better than showing everyone I’m in pain when I’m trying to be strong
But sometimes I can’t help it
Sometimes I still cry because your not here anymore
Because every single thing reminds me of our story
Of what you’ve been through
and what I've lost
And I wish I could have taken away some of the pain every single time
I wish I could have absorbed all the bad energy so it couldn’t hurt you anymore
But I felt helpless
And all I could do was watch you slowly leave me.

you have in every way
obscured my vision
blocked my path
and diverted my attention
to you

You blew dust in eyes so I couldn't see what I was doing
the mistakes I was making
you were pulling the strings and my movements correlated
I was following the choreography you scripted
I didn't realise the life I wasn't living
until you let go of those strings and I collapsed
I was the puppet you were puppeteering

goodbyes are easier when they are unspoken
but those are the ones that suffocate you the most

I hide behind the synthetic smile I stitched and embroidered  to my face
I smile because I don’t know what’s wrong with me
I don’t know why I’m different
I don’t know why the palms of my hands look the way they do
I don’t know why the skin on my face feels the way it does
I don’t know why my feet wander they way they do
I feel like my body isn’t mine
That like I’m foreign to this world
Like I’m alien
Alien because I don’t fit in
Alien because I stand out
Alien because my own body rejects my life essence
I smile because I don’t want them to ask questions
I don’t want them to **** and pock at me like I’m some science experiment
Or I’m broken and need fixing
I’m broken and need fixing ?
Am I broken and need fixing?

If I pour out my emotions that I've been keeping under wraps for years
it will be as a tsunami engulfing, drowning the depths of your being
as a hurricane does eating up your happiness and spitting it right back at you but in pieces that can't be moulded back together
as a volcano erupting gorging itself on the kingdom with tall walls and soldiers that you built
it will be as an uprooted tree with nowhere to go but to fall to the ground and lay disruptively there
my suppressed, condensed and packaged emotions are just as a natural disaster
you can't predict how much damage it will cause.

your eyes are wild
not everyone could see the crazy in them
the hunger in them
the readiness in them to devour my soul
and the readiness in me to just let you
because you consume my thoughts
you are my only thought

you could run me over with the car which is your words and I would still forgive you
you could leave me, without a trace , come back and cry those fraudulent tears to me and I would still forgive you
one thing I won't forgive is if you peel off the layers of my skin and plunge your claws into my heart and make it bleed
by loving someone else

I can't accept you leaving me
without a heart to fend for myself
leaving me in the wildness that isn't yours

I know it's hard to be comfortable in your own skin when the world tells you it's not pretty enough
Don't let them take away your omniety
your freedom to roam this world as you please is your born right
don't let their adjectives subject you to living a life of suppression
in fear of feeding the label of being "angry"
let those words be as brief as a fleeting breeze
let it only brush past you and get caught in the trees  
Do not give them the power to restrict your oxygen
So when they throw blows to your chest you can quickly recover

I have learned that these types of encounters come frequently as a person of colour

I can't even remember how to be who I was before the pandemic
I miss that girl that was confident-ish
that was hopeful
that looked positively upon the world
that loved adventure and sunshine

I miss her laugh
her smile
I miss her eyes that used to sparkle not with tears but with joy
she was just starting to leave her chrysalis
she was just learning to use her wings
her wings along with her freedom were claimed
all she loved stolen by what felt like a deadly gust of wind

Now I've just built up the strength to regather those scattered pieces of myself
but I don't think I'll ever be that me again

It's hard to live in a world with so much emotional violence
It's frightening
One minute you can be alive and the next you could be a ticking time bomb
Ready to throw yourself off of a bridge  cause of the words being thrown at you bruising your fragile skin
Or even better yet dead already
Then what?
years , months, even days pass and your nothing but a distant memory in everyone minds
Only remembered when something reminds them of you
Then you realise they never really cared          

I don't want to be like one of the 20 billion that have died without their voices heard
While the people that killed get to walk around free
Is it fun to take dreams , hopes , a life away from someone
How can you live with yourself knowing you killed ?
Or nevertheless contributed to digging someone grave

It's doesn't take physically piercing a knife through someone's heart for them to die
You could just so easily pierce a hole through someones mind
Stabbing their hopes and dreams until they bleed out
Or rip out fleshy the lungs they need to breathe and survive
Taking away the foundation they needed to build an empire
Leaving them have nothing
That's not the kind of person you want to be
The one that kills using words
"Your ugly "
"Worthless "
"Your not going to succeed "
"You can't do it "
"Who do you think you are ?"
"Well , I think I am the daughter of a King and Queen"
"I think I'm beautiful "
"I think I have so much worth it doesn’t have a numerical value"
"I know I'm going to succeed "
"I know I can do it"

I have seen you pluck your feathers and give to those that wouldn’t do the same
why must you give and give until you have nothing left
why must you let them stop you from flying beyond restrictions
Can you not see how they are stealing your air and replacing it with carbon monoxide
they are jealous that you flew so much higher than them
they were jealous that the stars would shine so much brighter when you approached
my love have you not bruised your knees enough falling on behalf of others
you do not have to ******* yourself for beings that will not give you water when you are dehydrated

If I mingle myself with nature and become as a tree
Settled but not silent while the wind blows
will you take up the role of the wind that brushes past me and
rattles my branches ?
Would you carefully or forcefully strip me of my leaves until I am bare in front of you?

I rather age like fine wine without you
Than be poisoned everyday by words that do not allow growth

the frost made a pretty frosting glaze over the stiff grass
the wind nipped at my warm face and gathered at where my nose met the breeze
my nostrils inhaled the icy air particles
its winter now

I'm shutting the blinds
because it's the end of this theatrical
I'm drawing the curtains because this is your final act
and I shall not applaud for an encore

I show you what you want to see
I show you what you want to hear
My face , my personality , my smile changes when you a near
It's only to make you like me
Would you run if I showed you the real me
Not that perfect image of me I created to impress you
Would you run if I showed you all my scars that have build up over years
Would you run if I confess to you all the sins I committed ?
Would you run if I tore down the wall that was hiding all my everything ? brick by brick if I reveal myself
Would you run ?
If I removed the mask and stopped the facade and showed you my real feathers in their rough tattered state  
Would
You
Run ?

There were millions of words you could have used
but you chose the ones that acted as a dagger and penetrated my back

I still stare outside the window like a puppy waiting for its owner
for my former self to come home

While looking for the meaning of the stars in your eyes , I saw only her reflection in them
I knew I she had already become your moon
To you I was only a passing cloud

every new person I've tried to fall for
every love letter I've tried to write
every mistake in love I've ever made was because I met you.

Maybe If I write my feelings down and threw them away
they will go away too ? Or maybe be recycled ?
Maybe if I scream how I’m feeling into the atmosphere it will somehow get carried to you
Or evaporate and dance with the water particles

Or maybe I shouldn’t let lingering longing consume me anymore
Maybe I shouldn’t let you play on my mind like a broken record because
time isn't refundable but I guess my heart was

Following your heart is one of the most dangerous adventures you could ever decide to pursue

My heart runs so freely
While my mind runs frantically after trying to pick up the scattered pieces of my everything left on the dirt path

Even the feeling of a void is amiss
I have gotten to the point beyond nothingness
How did it get this bad

You hurt me
And I hurt you
It was mutual

Lose me in the depth of your recklessness
Indulge me in the intensity you disseminate

Dear past me, if I could tell you one thing it would be that
you are so strong
no one will realise how many things you have overcome by yourself  but yourself
so don't forget that those ordeals have broken and remade you into the blossoming woman you are now

Dear past self, you are not everyone else
you are you and nobody else
so you do not have to pretend to be a different person
you do not have to fit into anyone's mould, it would never hold  because everyone is sculpting using different materials

Dear past self, you do not have to be loud
because the people that are supposed to hear you have heard
everything you are saying

Dear past self, I want you to dry your tears now
because where I am, the sun is shining so fondly on your face
you are more or less happy in your skin, it is beginning to feel like yours

I've given myself more bruises
than any fall could have