What is a love story if it isn't written in tears and hard-times  
what is love if not the days you can't stand each other but can't stand to be apart at the same time
so you lay watching the ceiling on separate sides of the bed while hands are still intertwined firmly
what is love if not the ear wrenching screaming and the bruised knees from the tumbles and turns
what is love if not the heart swelling affection you have for each other
that heals everything else
and the eyes that smile admirably at each other  
while the world seems to freeze and observe such as sight

Unravel yourself you said
you said I have been bound up soo tightly
it is hard to even begin unknotting
it is hard to for anyone to decode the arithmetic's in my mind
you said I never let myself feel what I have never felt instead
you said I lay dormant awaiting a match

But I know of these foreign blazes that come and consume like a flame
sometimes I want to be immersed in their heat
it is what I crave
but I feel like the more I run towards burning fire
the more the smoke begins to suffocate

vulnerability is a disease I wish not to catch
that is why I shy away from telling you how I feel

If you listen carefully to the way my heart beats for you
it will tell you all my secrets
but you seem to  never have your earphones in when the beat drops

Let me know if I'm wasting my time
let me know if this,  whatever this is has all been in my mind
let me know if I conjured up these feeling from thin air
because it will hurt a lot less than knowing you were playing some sort of game with my frail heart
a game I was late to get the instructions to

let me know if you feel the same way
just let me know so I can loosen the tightness in my chest
because it's getting harder to breathe

I was afraid to wake up
just in case my heart gave out
when I realised the angels saved you before I could

I lost nothing but everything at the same time
I never took that step forward to be who you wanted me to be
I was too selfish to give up just a little of myself to make room for you
but compromise was the missing words in our story book that had already been published
it was too late for us

Broken,
the key was broken in the key hole
so that door was never really closed
that's why it was so easy for you to re-enter my life

Don't leave your "I love you" until your tears fertilise the ground that carries their vessel.

I always end up burning down every bridge
in the process of being built
in an attempt to save myself from foreign emotions
then I proceed to complain about not getting visitors
knowing **** well that everyone is stuck on one side with no way to reach me

but until someone is smart enough to use Morse code to write a message in the sky
I will be content on my little island

It was a day where the sky cried for me
and I cried for me too
it was a day where I decided to ignore the cuts and bruises I gifted myself as a present and keep walking on the smashed tiles                  
I was desensitised to the ache but every slash that broke my skin seemed to give release

looking in the mirror, the eyes that blinked back carried no colour
the mirror cracked under the sting of my hateful gaze
and for some reason my knuckles bleed from this
drop …… drop
oxidised deep red stains followed me to the timber balcony
the wood absorbed every distress from me and the sky
the silence on my mind as the rain played with my face was disturbed by wondering of what it would be like on the other side of the world
where there was a small barrier between fire and eternal peace

Instead of comfort you were the monster that lived under my bed
Instead of being security you unhinged my life and buried the screws
I wonder if you know you are a reoccurring nightmare
I wonder if you know how you make my skin crawl and my hairs raise to the sun in an attempt to escape the darkness

I cried a river
only so I could drown every bitter encounter with you

He strung together the most shimmery stars like constellations
and hung them around my neck
as a reminder that
I will always be the brightest star in his sky
my ubiquity luminous enough to find him when he is lost in the dark

Your fingers were outstretched towards me
but instead of reaching forward and grasping my palm
you were taking steps backwards until you were a speck on the horizon
if you didn't care,you didn't have to act like you did
I would have preferred you wither away merging with passing of seasons

I'm not an option
a maybe
I'm not your whenever I'm bored
I'm not a parachute you can pull so you can land safely into someone else's arms
I'm not going to water your ego when you get rejected
Do not call me when your lonely at 2 am
I'm not your Plan B

is it possible to heal wounds that have been reopened many times ?
I think so yet those types of wounds tend to leave the deepest marks

Everything you say is noisy
Your apologies vibrate through my already aching ear drums
Making my brain cells pulsate at every syllable
So please be quiet
Don’t make a sound
Because every sound you make hurts

You're everything I want but nothing I need
So don’t think I will cry at the thought of losing it
It being your warm hands wrapped around my cold ones
It being the way you wiped away the sadness from my tear ducts
It being the way you made me breathless as you kissed away the words from my lips
It being the way you would draw patterns on my skin leaving a hot trail of your passion on my flesh
It being the way you made the rain go away when I didn’t have an umbrella
It being the way you covered my eyes and I was able walk blindly because I trusted you
I didn’t need to rely on you for those things
I wanted to …..

The ammunition you kept exuding from your mouth
only needed the spark from the words I breathed to inflame the anger in you
then you showed me your destructive colours
and we sat together in the building we burnt down together and blew ashes off one another

I’m speaking at you
I’m always speaking at you because the words never seemed to penetrate your thick skull
I’m breathless
I feel like I’m running marathons just to never cross the finish line
I keep circling endlessly
Never moving forward
Never moving backwards
Never moving
Never growing
What is the point in watering grass and it never getting greener
My love I have to uproot myself
Start afresh on new soil

I was unhappy
I lived my childhood tiptoeing around  my problems
You were my problem
I didn’t really have a childhood
I didn’t really have “fun” memories
I had distraught memories of always hurting

You asked me why am I always frowning
How can I be happy when
I felt like i was going mad
I felt like I was the problem
That I caused it to be this way
That it’s my fault because I was too pretty
It’s my fault because i drew attention to myself
It’s my fault because I was asking for this to happen
that i would be returned to a place I thought was ten times worse then this
So I endured the suffering and the pain
And the darkness and my writing became my only friend , the only friend that knew everything
The only friend I could hide behind

you are the apparition that finds me in my nightmares once in a while
I wake up and I'm scared because I know it wasn't my mind being
over active
that you actually hurt me against my will
and I couldn't do anything about it
I couldn't even cry myself to sleep
cause even crying was too much of a comfort

so I plastered a face that wasn't my own
a face with no emotion
to hide how broken I was
that façade I still uphold today
even though your thousands of miles away
your imprinted into my forever memories

Because they will pick out the bad
and poison the apple before it begins to ripen
I scatter my seeds in secret and only when they begin to sprout they shall know

The wind dances with the leaves hand in hand on the tainted outcast branches of the trees
Casting a playful shadow on my freshly cut grass of my lawn
The odour filled my nostrils
Tickling every nerve in my nose

The roads are silent but the occasional car that steers itself careful through the narrow roads that never seems to end as the darkness of the nighttime engulfs them

Then there's the lone black cat that saunters from house to house only at night
It stops and looks up at my window
I'm not really a cat person but this one fascinated me
It's marble green eyes , so hypnotic
I zoned out into bleak nothingness
I zoned back into the moonlit box which is my room
The cat was gone and I am staring at where it once sat

I move from the window sill that stood never moving to my bed
I went and lay on my back
I Watch the ceiling like it is a tv screen showing my favourite show

My mind found peace
eventually
I hesitantly close my eyes not wanting to block out the little light that the moon provided
In that moment I realised I find the darkness pretty and I wander off into a deep sleep.

If there was a way self love could be bought
I would have invested everything I had into it

I have dropped all my weapons pointed at you
I'm not used to having to surrender and seize fire to let an ally in
but love has waged a war against me in the past
I was just defending myself

She wasn't the type of girl that plunges herself  into oceans knowing very well that she couldn't swim
but for some reason she wanted to taste how salty his sea was
and float on the unpredictable waves
all while watching how the clouds created stories in the form of shapes above them

Don't think about it too much
just drop all the weight that has been causing you to sink
then maybe for once you will be able to float

It wasn't all about you
it wasn't all about me

that was our problem
we were our problem

we couldn't get over the hurdle that was our self pride
and canter into happiness

we didn't communicate our issues
because the only place they were voiced was the back of our throats

we didn't work out maybe because we weren't ready to let the pieces of each others wool be crocheted together to form an imperfect cushion
that we could both fall back on

My forever never seemed so far away

Find home within yourself
don't rely on someone else to be the only place where you lay your head at night, the only place where self restoration occurs, the only place you can heal

because I guarantee 100% they will let you down
because they are human
we are made of around 50- 70% water
we are bound to drown some stuff

Sometimes we regret that we let people flicker in and out of our lives
like a broken light bulb
we think that its our fault because we didn't hold onto them with our whole souls
and now empty rooms seem to echo even louder now that they are gone

but now the light bulb has finally died
and we sit quietly in the dark
we've realised that light bulb wasn't worth replacing ever
because they chose to leave you in the dark

Sometimes I wonder why they aren't moving
maybe I am not mentally or emotionally prepared for what I can not see yet
maybe what I will see will break me
maybe I am already broken
maybe I am the mountain

You will find me where the water holds tightly onto the horizon
You will find me in the way the clouds cry oh so slightly
but just enough to water my dry roots
You will find me where the breeze hits the sunflower fields
You will find me in the way the sunflowers sway at their elongated stem
You will find me in the way the petals fall as you say
She loves me not

It pulls me apart and puts me back together
it stitches and plasters
it smooths and deepens
then it stabilises and heals
all to break me down again
and start all over with a different problem being the centre of the hurricane