welcome to the horror show
where webs from spiders
stream and flow,
where witches fly upon their brooms,
offering poisoned apple brew
where monsters play
where shadows dance
where screams are songs of violence
masks go up, horns and crowns
running running, away, around
sew your ears and pluck your eyes
this is the only way to stop your own demise

i speak in poems which cannot be translated by anyone to date.
the line of words, rushing out, twisting and turning.
metaphors and similes that cannot be compared.
i can personify my emotion, and ground myself into ash,
Embers falling all around me,
And nobody hears my voice.

the joy of no longer feeling numb,
but no longer feeling everything at once.
the joy of the quiet in my head because I belong to you.

your touch brings me a golden sunset, spread out for the world to see, but instead i get to keep it, just between you and me. your skin like silk on my skin, fingertips up and down again, caressing my cheek, then running through my hair. the joy that sparks inside, i cannot hide.
To hear your laugh,
and oh,
to be by your side

velvet touch, shocking my senses.
you are made of beauty and gold.
scenic curves and edges.
you have a beautiful soul.
the smile on your lips, those lips i want to kiss.
your kindness warms me on cold nights,
something i never want to miss.
your hand in mine, is harmony
Matter of fact it's bliss.

I watch the storm rolling in, floating over the ocean. For now I'm dry however,  soon, I know the rain is coming. I don't have boots, or an umbrella, and I can't find any cover. So I will sit right here, sit silently and watch the pour come closer. Im stranded on an island, no person here or there.  My misery, is mine to hold, not something I can share. I close my eyes, and imagine you here, but you aren't close by, you aren't anywhere.

When the fog is just too heavy,
and the storm won't go away
My wish is that you lean on me,
let me help with day to day
When the darkness wraps around you,
and you don't think you can breathe
Turn to me I'll hold the light and promise to never leave

she is silent
but the resonance of her vocal chords is melodious.
she is distant
but she cares so deeply she cannot help but pique an interest.
her hands not always steady
but the way she touches my skin with heat and purpose.
her eyes searching mine
but they engulf me with rush, like a warm water spring on a cold winter night.
her soul is pure and blinding
but i am the lucky one, considering i get to feel its warmth for now.

I want to listen to you breathe gently next to my ear...
To feel your chest rise and fall against me..
Running my nose across yours so I can look into your eyes.....You have my body and my mind.....
I want to give you my heart and never look back....
To let my soul roam, cloaked in happiness and peace...
You are serenity.
You can have my light,
I'll take your darkness.
Just fall into me.

Life built this person; She is made out of "must do's" and "have to's. She is made out of wide smiles, encouragement, and aiming for perfection. She is made out of "I can", "I did" and "of course I will".
She is made out of eyeshadow, hair color and piercings that make her feel better, but she is always feeling not quite enough. So she tucks in one more hair, straightens her clothes, dusts her shoulders off and feels better. Neater. She is made out of NORMAL. Trying to fit in, looking put together enough that nobody will notice. She straightens her shirt again.
She doesn't have time to feel weak. She doesn't have the strength to find courage. So she keeps going, in a straight line of "what I have to do" and "it is what it is". She cries. She cries so much that she carries around her makeup, because it would look bad if her eyes were red and her mascara ran. She still smiles though. She will ask you about your day, eager to hear positivity, stories, anything, to make her forget time.
She had dreams and goals, and craves to be better. So she can belong. Somewhere. Anywhere. Her emotions run wild  and her mind over thinks, making it impossible for her to settle down. She is tired of crying even when her hurt isnt the hurt she is feeling.
She decides everything based off a pros and cons list that she will dissect 15 times. Finally she will say, "honestly I have no preference, I'm sorry I cant help make the decisions". She became scared to choose. Scared to speak, because nobody will probably care to listen anyway. She became scared to learn, for failure is almost always the ending result in her mind. Things just dont go in her favor. She accepts this.
She became detached, and mute. She became a stranger sleeping in my clothes. Wrapped in my blanket. Feeling my feelings, projecting my thoughts. She can't figure out how to stand, to step forward, move past her emotions. She doesn't know how to be put together. So she shatters, and disappears shard by shard. She hides the chaos behind her eyes. She decided nobody would accept her if she couldn't even accept herself.
She stopped trying to give pieces of herself away.

Don't be discouraged by the chains around my wrists
I've walked this path for far too long not to know the risks

The saffron smoke around me swirls, the buildings crashing down
I hear no noise, my ears are deaf, there is only silence now

My heart beat skips, but I do not fear a world turned to dust
If you need space, please soar the skies, your heart is my must

Barefoot on the rubble I'll walk these jagged rocks
Don't listen to the cries of mine, I'm in a cage that's locked

I cannot reach the moon or stars, I cannot fly to you
No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do

i find it hard to comprehend the brightness of your light in my darkness. i find it hard to see that i could do the same. my spirit lifts to hear your voice, my head gets dizzy to hear your name. your laughter envelops me, your kindness an avalanche of mixed feelings and emotions. i don't believe this is real. i stumbled down, into the ocean, fighting for my breath, you came and saved me, without question, without taking rest. that sounds big, because it is, you know not what you've done. until i wake up, ill just be thankful, of all the people you could have tried to save, i somehow was the one.

i held on for 7 years before making the call.
i battled with my sanity, my emotions and you.
i consistently wished and hoped for another way.
nothing changed.
the downs were awful.
the ups were false.
the fighting was not okay.
nothing ever changed.
you can say i gave up.
you can make me the villain.
you can blame it on me.
because finally i changed.

i forgot how heavy things were;
you did that.
until i left your side.
it all came crashing back.
i forgot how my eyes are like dripping faucets;
you held me when i cried.
you told me it was okay,
even though you didn't know why.
your arms are too far away to stop them now.
i forgot the quiet void of being alone;

caress my cheek, darkness please.
cover my body in flame and dip myself in acid.
ill bow to fear and loathing.
moonlight reborn, bathed in stars.
ill dive into the midnight pool, to cleanse me of my sins.
the current grabs my body, wrapping both my legs.
i feel the pull, of underground, and fight the urge to fight.
i look up to see a quarter moon through the waves.
with my last sigh, i let out soft bubbles of breath.
shortly after, eyes still wide open, i hit rock bottom.

i often sit and wonder,
if you wonder about me too.

i try, and think to understand,
what would be your point of view?
i close my eyes,
and it simply can't be true.
you care, and hear,
and you want to.

is it possible that the more we talk,
the lighter i feel.
i think i see you,
and i think you see me too.

so i'll keep glancing up when you look away,
just to get a glimpse,
so ill hold my breath when you pass by,
to prevent my nervousness.

and when you talk,
or smile,
or get comfortably close,
i will write you a poem in my head,
wondering,
if you wonder too.

what is real life anyway.......whats tomorrow, whats today?
time somehow flies, but is eternity, an expanding light of serenity?
light a candle, to lighten the mood. say a prayer. read the news.
a mass of rock, lava, water, humanity. stretching itself thin.
suffocation of the air, we gasp and grab each others throat. no oxygen left.
while we choke on our mistakes and replay every stupid thing we said or did, this earth spins our heads and makes us dizzy with hopeful wishes of a better tomorrow. will we make it..  

we grasp at invisible ropes of wants, needs, predictions, logistics and what if. we've intertwined ourselves with a lover, a job, or another. all of these things wrap around us as overgrown vines, the quicksand beneath our feet continues to cause us anxiety. eventually we no longer struggle, we are lifted on a cloud of comfortability, a quaint disguise, unwilling to understand. the vines still grabbing and the sand not quite dissolved by the winds. each bump creates chaos, a whirlpool of misunderstanding and communication. the cloud grows dark, so chaotic there is no wish to escape.

what is supposed to be and what is what will be?
nothing can be anything but anything can be everything.
will you grow to be creative? smart? beautiful? kind?

how do you laugh while i cry,
yet still cannot understand why.

A pump. A thump. A beat.  
My blood, pumping in my ears.
A blur. A shake. A vibration.
My eyes, trying to focus.
A breath. A woosh. A whistle.
My lungs grasping for air.
Pounding. Tapping. Throbbing.
In the center of my head.
Ah-one. Ah-two. Ah-three.
Focus on these numbers.
Numbness. Itching. Crawling.
The feeling of my skin.
I take a step, Calm my mind.
One more breath, One more time.

I asked you not to touch me, I walked away from you.
I asked you not to kiss me, that is not something I wanted to do.
I told you I had a boyfriend, more than I should have had to.

I told you to stop, when you took off your pants.
I wanted to have fun, not to give you a chance.
I know I drank too much, and that was my fault;
But you should have listened, when I told you to stop.

I was there for my friend, you took me away from her.
Why can't you understand, you didn't even care.
You shoved me to my knees, a taste I will always remember;
I begged, I cried, I broke, on that night in December.

You pushed me on my back, I couldn't even stand.
You forced yourself inside, what a worthless little man.
Then you told your buddies, I bet it was a good story.
You probably were proud, and soaked in lots of glory.

Then I was so broken, as I heard the whispers around.
They didn't know the truth, how you shoved me to the ground.
They didn't know how scared I was, how you forced yourself upon me.
It isn't right, It isn't fair, I am forever haunted by the memory.

I want to leave, to run away. I want the sun on a brand new day.
See this life I live, its not me at all, almost like its not Autumn  but instead its Fall. Falling down to the dark abyss, not like Alice more like constant darkness. I love him, with all of my heart, but I'm not in love, I cannot be, because how can I love him that way but not me? I have this problem, with finding myself. Who am I, but another story on a shelf?
I search for me, relentlessly but to no avail, its a dead end trail. I dont know where to start, or where to go, but deep down inside I just know.
Its not fair to him or me, this life we've built is misery, and I tell him this and he rolls his eyes, but I'm certain he knows this too deep down inside.
Even still its not fair to us, for us to stay, I'd be better off far away, but how can I leave him if he thinks he's happy, how do I go while still leaving him me?

We never had enough when we were young.
We never needed much, but the exact amount was unknown.
We never got enough; toys food or clothes.
We didn't need that much, so "barely" was the most.

We never got enough of your time.
We didn't understand, the eldest not yet nine.
We didn't get enough, affection or warmth.
We never took for granted, but your time spent was short.

We didn't want more than enough, somehow understanding all you had.
We never asked for much: to play or share or cuddle.
We never got that, you liked to stay in your bubble.
We didn't ask for this, to be born, or brought into your life.

We didn't choose the love, or the lack thereof.
We didn't need the money, you hid away from us.
We had enough for us four, your greed was just because.
We had enough, We had enough, We had enough.

We had enough time, to learn proper affection.
We had enough vocabulary for simple conversation.
We had enough feelings, to know you didn't care.
We were not selfish, so why didn't you share?

Was it that we weren't enough, you needed a new man?
Was it that we weren't calm enough, it got out of hand?
Was it that you didn't have enough, of the finer things in life?
Was it that you didn't think enough, before becoming an underage wife?

Now we live out our lives, believing we aren't enough.
Now we live out our lives, always trying to be more, never being enough.
Now we live out our lives, working hard at enough.
Now we live out our lives, still not understanding the problem wasn't us.

I woke up in a field, a flower crown placed gently on my head. The night was calm, and surreal. Like a photo lens, picture perfect scene, I stood up in flowers surrounded by dark, I knew then, this was the end, the final note, the last piece of my heart.

Well, really the beginning you see. Lets start back at the beginning, the first one, follow me: The day still young, the sky still blue, I was me and you were you. The melody in the wind was nice, the air was chilled but the tone was ice.

No, not iced, but you get the point? Anyway, the short-lived love was oh so perfect, you and me and love was certain. We danced that day, in fields of daisies, holding me, holding us, holding life in the palm of our hands. Intertwined like the rope in a sailors knot, sturdy and  steady. You kissed my lips and I kissed yours, what a wonderful flavor love leaves on the mouth, that was then and this is now....

I'm getting off track. See you left me, alone and deserted. You walked away, I swear I was undeserving, but no that doesn't matter, right? You made your choice, and mine for me, I didn't want that, why can't you see!

I stumbled around in nature for hours, searching for you, picking you flowers, hoping you would find your way back, hoping maybe you just got off track. You didn't return, you didn't care, I was nothing, how is this fair?

I went to the stream where we skipped our stones; I waited and waited, sitting alone. You never returned. All hope was lost. I walked back to the meadow, where we shared so much love, lied on the ground and stared above. I watched the clouds, then counted the stars; My lids grew heavy, my breathing slowed down, I closed my eyes and slept on the ground.

When I woke, I was still alone, so I grabbed my crown and made my way home.

I met an angel once. He was and still is the greatest sight I have ever seen. His perfectly sculpted face, a masterpiece worthy of more than  all of the world's finest arts combined. His voice, more lovely than a Bach composition. His eyes have kept me captured, for years they haunt me in the most beautiful way. His lips, not to ******, but to caress each word that may cross them. Had I not seen him in person, I would not believe such beauty exists in a human. A beauty that rivals the sunset, over the magnificent Grand Canyon; That rivals the seven wonders of the world. His selflessness fans the flames of my soul. His existence is proof of the very life force driving mine. My heart aches for one more glimpse, but aches to think of such perfection being marred by the pain of this universe.  What if she does not see the angel, what if she is not in awe of his existence? What if she does not feel his presence in her core, as I do? My heart aches that he may not get all that he deserves from this world. Not that I could help, I was merely a passerby who happend upon an angel one time.

the wolves whisper their dreams into the night sky, they roam the land in search of time. the moon is full, vibrating white electricity, making each coat of fur metallic and bright. the wind dances in delight, knowing what mysteries are held for this night. the majestic wolves hear a sweet melody in the distance, together they run, step for step, beat to beat they climb. they continue to speak to the sky, beautiful poems they write to the moon. there is no alpha, just one and one, an unspoken promise that is said and done, knowing they are gods of each other, they run side by side, still worshiping the ground as they move. the stream bubbles with expectant excitement, feeling the earths music through each drop. he ***** his head to the side, listening to each sprinkle of magic flowing around him. he looks at her, so beautiful, more so than a diamond, more so than a ruby, even better than gold, his soul speaks to her soul. his breath is dependent on hers, his blood flows for her. they continue their trek, through the calming hills. she would never leave him, he is her essence, together they follow the sound of life. aware of the nearness of each other, aware of the flow of energy between them, they carry forth. nearer, and nearer they come, the sounds slow as they speak another poem, to the moon, to each other and in reply to earths' song. together they come upon a wide open land, they are wrapped in the moons glow, the streams excitement, and the mountains peaceful hue. she tilts to him, and bows to her king, the pounding in her heart matches his. he bows too, ready for her hand, ready to begin, ready for forever;where they will roam their peace filled meadow of love, life and the music of eachother.

Look at my eyeliner, one wing still there from the night previous. The clothes I wear are the first clothes I grabbed from the pile on the floor yesterday. I'm really, really, very good at forgetting to take my medicine.

My only friend, a 11.2 lb. Mutt is more than happy to snuggle with me through the days, sleeping in is now my medicine. "You do it to yourself." they say. Not today, please, not today.

Another job that "didn't work out". Whatever, as long as I don't have to leave, outside is so ******* loud. I swear I tried, and I worked so hard, I always do. Still, I'll stumble through time, not unlike everyone else, the crowds of people all unknowingly living on a shelf. The judgments pass on, as does the ticking, and it all comes back around next time with even more kicking. "YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF!"

At night is when the real fun begins, I get to cry, and hug myself, and say its going to be better. One more day. That's it. I'll give it one more day. As for the night, well the mysteries know no bounds, the crickets shall chirp me on as the stars part the clouds. I can finally scream and curse the world silently. Maybe night will come quick, like a thief or death... Ah, wish-filled thinking, I really should take my medicine.

Don't think I'm not hopeful; on the contrary I feel as if I am quite hope-filled, even extremely optimistic. Not today though, today I take the only medicine I can, and crave; sleep. One day at a time, that hope of dying young haunts me. Still I imagine a world with my very own family and a home. Realistic Hallucinations if you would ask someone well studied in the field of psychotherapy; I've got to find that medication.

My pain digs in, begging me to play, not today, please, I beg not today. My blankets are warm, my eyes don't wish to open, my bestfriend is yawning softly, as he scoots closer to me. Maybe I'll fall into a wonderful hope filled slumber, the dreams aren't worse than the living.

Might as well, I doubt if I will ever take that ******* medicine.

How many
mirrors
Must I have shatterd

           How many
           times did I
           Cross under
            the ladder

Why did
the black
cat choose me
to intersect

            I can't believe
            I put the
            Noose around
            my neck

I shouted please,
Begged and cried

            One-hundred
            times I lived,
            One-hundred
            times I died;

Because I was
the mirror,
The shattering
glass

            I became the
            ladder,
            Made of steel
            and brass

I befriended the cat,
And sealed my fate

            And as for
            the rope,
            I always
            knew,
            it could
            never
            hold the
            weight.