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A-McIntyre Sep 2019
woven into time
sections of a piece of art
paths so close in location
that wasn't where you fit
after a few more turns
i landed next to you
so many circumstances
something that could have been
something that should have been
but this is where we ended up
together
and the chaos
and the questioning
and the patience
brought me something magical
in the form of you.
A-McIntyre Aug 2019
Life built this person; She is made out of "must do's" and "have to's. She is made out of wide smiles, encouragement, and aiming for perfection. She is made out of "I can", "I did" and "of course I will".
She is made out of eyeshadow, hair color and piercings that make her feel better, but she is always feeling not quite enough. So she tucks in one more hair, straightens her clothes, dusts her shoulders off and feels better. Neater. She is made out of NORMAL. Trying to fit in, looking put together enough that nobody will notice. She straightens her shirt again.
She doesn't have time to feel weak. She doesn't have the strength to find courage. So she keeps going, in a straight line of "what I have to do" and "it is what it is". She cries. She cries so much that she carries around her makeup, because it would look bad if her eyes were red and her mascara ran. She still smiles though. She will ask you about your day, eager to hear positivity, stories, anything, to make her forget time.
She had dreams and goals, and craves to be better. So she can belong. Somewhere. Anywhere. Her emotions run wild  and her mind over thinks, making it impossible for her to settle down. She is tired of crying even when her hurt isnt the hurt she is feeling.
She decides everything based off a pros and cons list that she will dissect 15 times. Finally she will say, "honestly I have no preference, I'm sorry I cant help make the decisions". She became scared to choose. Scared to speak, because nobody will probably care to listen anyway. She became scared to learn, for failure is almost always the ending result in her mind. Things just dont go in her favor. She accepts this.
She became detached, and mute. She became a stranger sleeping in my clothes. Wrapped in my blanket. Feeling my feelings, projecting my thoughts. She can't figure out how to stand, to step forward, move past her emotions. She doesn't know how to be put together. So she shatters, and disappears shard by shard. She hides the chaos behind her eyes. She decided nobody would accept her if she couldn't even accept herself.
She stopped trying to give pieces of herself away.
She has two choices now; turn to dust, or become a kaleidoscope
A-McIntyre Aug 2019
I take a jagged breath. Eyes closed. Facing the wall.
I squeeze tighter. "If you ignore it, it should go away".
My mattress shaking violently, like a earthquake is splitting the ground beneath me, threatening to drag me in.
Another jagged breath. It begins to rain. My pillow, now a desolate pool of ocean water, polluted by my thoughts.
I bury my nose deep between the eyes of sadness living in my bedroom.
"If you ignore it, it will surely go away". My mantra.
A hiccup from unsteady gasps.
The lights are not flickering, that's you shaking again.
I hope sometimes it would stop
So I try to ignore it
But deep down inside
I know if I didn't storm
I would never be exausted enough
for my brain to welcome sleep.
A-McIntyre Aug 2019
Don't be discouraged by the chains around my wrists
I've walked this path for far too long not to know the risks

The saffron smoke around me swirls, the buildings crashing down
I hear no noise, my ears are deaf, there is only silence now

My heart beat skips, but I do not fear a world turned to dust
If you need space, please soar the skies, your heart is my must

Barefoot on the rubble I'll walk these jagged rocks
Don't listen to the cries of mine, I'm in a cage that's locked

I cannot reach the moon or stars, I cannot fly to you
No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do
A-McIntyre Aug 2019
i find it hard to comprehend the brightness of your light in my darkness. i find it hard to see that i could do the same. my spirit lifts to hear your voice, my head gets dizzy to hear your name. your laughter envelops me, your kindness an avalanche of mixed feelings and emotions. i don't believe this is real. i stumbled down, into the ocean, fighting for my breath, you came and saved me, without question, without taking rest. that sounds big, because it is, you know not what you've done. until i wake up, ill just be thankful, of all the people you could have tried to save, i somehow was the one.
A-McIntyre Aug 2019
in the sky there is a moon, always set to full;
          so far away, and when i climb, the weather starts to cool.
all else there is are boxes not lined up or rowed;
past them is just darkness, i'm surrounded and alone.
some of them are wooden, others steel or stone;
some are made of crystals, some are made of bones.
i've opened all the boxes, looking to find help;
a jagged path, to locate my fate, unsure of what is left.
i could stack them neatly, build myself a home;
create a life around them, quite and on my own.
but these boxes are my options, i fear if i don't choose;
ill be forever stranded, unsure and confused.
A-McIntyre Aug 2019
i held on for 7 years before making the call.
i battled with my sanity, my emotions and you.
i consistently wished and hoped for another way.
nothing changed.
the downs were awful.
the ups were false.
the fighting was not okay.
nothing ever changed.
you can say i gave up.
you can make me the villain.
you can blame it on me.
because finally i changed.
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