"binging" poems
Ako ay isang pulis,
Natangal sa Serbisyo dahil sa paniniwala kong mali ang naging paghusga sa aking pagkatao,
Naglingkod sa bayan ngunit nauwi ang aking paghihirap sa hindi tamang pagpataw ng parusa,
Sa aking serbisyo, Sa aking pagkatao, at sa pangalan ko.
Kayat nagawa ko ang desisyong ito,
Wag niyo akong sisihin dahil tao lamang ako,
Nasasaktan at humihingi ng katarungan sa sistemang di makatarungan ang dahilan,
Sino ba naman ang matutuwang mapagbintangan,
sa mga krimeng pinaniniwalaan kong di naman ako ang may kagagawan?
Mga turista ang aking ginawang pananga,
Dahil di naririnig ng binging sistema ang mensahe ng sarili nilang mamamayan,
Kayat sila ang napili ko upang maintindi ako at magawan ng paraan,
Bitbit ko ang aking baril,
Hawak ko ang aking kutsilyo,
Ngunit wala akong balak na gamitin ito upang masimulan ang pagkakagulo,
Isa lang naman ang hiling ko,
ANG MAPANSIN AKO NG BULOK NA SISTEMANG PINANGALINGAN KO.
Aug 24, 2010
Aug 24, 2010 at 3:46 PM UTC
Sixth grade was the first time I remember feeling out of place in my own body. I tried on a shirt from the year before and realized I wasn't the same size anymore. I felt strange for a moment, then brushed it off. I threw away the shirt the next day. By the end of middle school I knew I was bigger than my friends, but I tried to avoid thinking about it. I just wanted to fit in like the rest of them.
Freshman year I got called fat and decided to make myself invisible. Treated every food as if it an allergy. Lost 30 pounds in 60 days. Told my parents I already ate. Told my friends I was eliminating junk food. Told no one my secret for years.
Gained my weight back then lost it just as quickly. The never ending cycle of starving, binging, purging.
Starving, binging, purging.
Starving, binging, purging.
Nobody notices when I fall off track because disordered eating is only cared about when the victim is skinny enough that you can see the evidence. I have been terrified for four years to speak out for fear nobody would believe me when I told them.
No one expects a bigger girl to not know how to feed herself.
There is something to say about a culture so warped that I get upset by the fact I don't have a stereotypical eating disorder body.
Sometimes I wish it was more obvious, so at least that way they could see how hard I'm trying to be perfect... To fit in.
America, am I not sick enough for you already?
Jul 24, 2016
Jul 24, 2016 at 11:03 PM UTC
wala naman makapagsasabi, kung kelan matutupad ang tunay na pangarap
nalalaman mo pa ba kung ano ang binubulong ng puso?
hinde pa ba ito natatabunan
ng alaala ng kahapong pinagmulan?
nais kong umangat mula sa putik na aking minana:
ambisyon ang umuudyok
pagkatotoohanin ng kasiyahan, ang bawat layaw ng laman
na tulak ng mundo
pabilis nang pabilis ang ikot
habulin man
unahan man
kelangan pagbayarin
bawat hubog sa atin ng tinaguriang
collective consciousness
nang kung sino man matalinong tumawag dyan,
dyan! mapangahas na pangngalang marangal!
sino ba ako pag humiwalay ako sa collective consciousness na yan?
anong napala ko dyan, itinulak ako
(di kayat, nagpatuak ako?)
patungo sa isang kanto nyan
dahil kelangan kong sundin
ang moralidad
ang paniniwalang
gawa-gawa rin lang
ng aking kapwa
hinde ko tinatakbuhan
ang aking
social responsibility
na syang dinikta na lipunan
na dapat akong kumayod at tuparin
ang oblgasyon ko sa kanya
no.
ang tinutukoy ko
ay ang binubulong
ng bawat saloobin
natabunan na ito
ng sigaw ng damdamin
sinong makakapagsabi
kung kelan matutupad ang pangarap?
ito ba'y aking hahabulin
pipilitin
paglalabanan
sa hilaw na panahon?
(tulad ng sigaw ng damdamin
na tumilapon sa akin?)
ang bulong ng saloobin
hinuhukay ko pa
ito'y nasa ilang
lantang lanta na ako
binging bingi
ngunit naririnig ko pa
sinasakop nya ako
umaasang bubuhayin ko muli.
Jun 6, 2016
Jun 6, 2016 at 1:00 PM UTC
Four days of hunger
Four days so sweet
My stomach is angry
It's so mad at me
And the pain is lovely
It's sweet agony
And then I ate
I filled my tummy up
I binged until it hurt
More food; not enough
I don't want to weigh myself
I broke my own trust
I broke to binge
And I couldn't throw it up
It felt so good
But the guilt is too much
I feel so fat
But when I eat I feel love.
I'm breaking to binge
Eat anything in sight
Ninety-six hours
Ruined in one night
This lack of self-control
Is ruining my life.
Hunger hurts
But I want it so bad
Hunger hurts
But I miss what I had
I miss the hunger pains
Cause binging makes me sad
So I'm working to purge
I'm working on control
This dapper little dirge
Is a reflection of my soul
No one ******* cares
So no one needs to know.
No one ever stops me
So I'm not going to eat
Because the me in the mirror
Isn't the me I want to see.
If there was someone there
Maybe I'd be free.
Back to the cutting board
My goal was one-thirty
Back to the cutting board
Now one-twenty
Self-control
I like the sound of eighty.
I broke to binge
The ugliest sin
I broke for food
And now I brood
But I'm better again
I must be thin
Jan 5, 2014
Jan 5, 2014 at 12:16 AM UTC
Everything is getting so bad.
I am getting so bad.
It really is and I really am.
I have no motovation.
I just can't do anything.
I binge and I purge.
I'm using a cold blade to make myself burn with scars.
Again.
There is no home for me.
I sleep all day.
I've missed a dangerous amount of classes.
I need a job.
I have yet to process
Major things that are happening.
**** has been continuously hitting the fan
For seven years and
I just can't make it stop
And I can't catch a breath,
And the flashbacks are awful.
I just wrecked my thighs.
I don't want to burden anybody.
I know all I do is complain.
But it is literally me screaming for help.
And no one is helping me.
I'm up to my neck in my own mental disorders.
I'm drowning.
I really ******* am.
I walk around late night hope I'll get killed,
I stare at 163 sleeping pills every night.
I'm all late night binging and purging.
This is the ******* life.
I carry a toothbrush in my purse
And tell people I'm just obsessed with my tooth health.
I smoke to hide the smell of *****
I'm drowning.
I'm desperate.
I'm drowning.
Why are strangers offering more help
Than the people in real life that I'm begging.
I'm an adult now.
It's no longer the fault
Of the people who raised me.
I have waited for this day to come.
The day where all of the sudden
The blame shifts to you.
I'm still drowning.
I'm dying.
I'm drowning.
I know I should stop cryjng for help
And just get it myself.
But I used up all my strength
I really did.
And I will be perfectly fine
With just dying.
I really would be.
I'm drowning anyway.
Might as well make it literal.
Nov 19, 2013
Nov 19, 2013 at 5:17 AM UTC
I always get up early. Early, early, early and it’s Saturday morning. So I scooted over to “Donut Crazy” and got myself 12 sugar donuts (and a selection of treats for my suitemates - I’m NOT suicidal.)
At 8am, I’m in the suite common area, on the couch, binging “Ladybug and Cat Noir” on my iPad and I realize that Leong, one of my suitemates, is sipping her coffee and staring at me like I’m a bad pet. I look around to find myself sitting in a shower of confectioners’ sugar speckles.
“In my defense, I was left unsupervised.” I disclaim.
Oct 30, 2021
Oct 30, 2021 at 11:13 AM UTC
Mata: Nakikita nila akong masaya kasi sa tuwing tititigan ako ay nangungusap na. Pero hindi nila alam na sa kasuluksulukan nito ay madilim na ang aking nakikita.
Ilong: Amoy na amoy ko pa ang masasayang alaala ng kaligayahang noon ay aking nadarama. Ngunit, ngayon ay unti-unti nang bumabara ang mga sakit at pighating dulot ng aking pagdurusa.
Tainga: Kay sarap pakinggan ang mga nanari-saring tiyempo, ritmo, at tonong iyong napapakinggan. Ikaw ay napapaindak pa at napapasayaw sa mga natamong kasiyahan. Subalit, binging-bingi ka na sa mga masasakit na salita sa iyo na tila wala ka ng kwenta.
Bibig: Puring-puri mo ang mga nagawa mo para sa kanila at doon ay napagtanto **** may saysay ang bawat **** ginagawa. Ngunit, pilit mo na lamang ikinukubli ang mga masasakit na katagang nais **** ipabatid sa kanila dahil alam **** kapag ikaw ang nagsalita, mali pa rin sa pagkakaunawa nila.
Aug 21, 2017
Aug 21, 2017 at 3:54 PM UTC
I doubt the humble caterpillar
has any premonition
of the glory that awaits
on her impending coronation day.
Newly hatched, she meanders
over leaves and stalks, binging on the crawl,
in quest of the perfect hanging leaf.
Then suddenly metamorphosis
and silk is everywhere
wrapping her up like Nefertiti -
her insides churned into enzyme soup
a new essence in the making.
Shaking, writhing, a bold new self
is emerging deep within -
an orange and black-winged butterfly
waiting for that liberating hour
to shed her crumbling shell
and beat the air with new- found wings.
*July 10, 2015
Jul 10, 2015
Jul 10, 2015 at 3:41 AM UTC
*I've been thinking about you baby,
So I'm drinking about you lately
Now I'm dreaming about you baby
& My head's screaming sedate me
I've been tearing out my hair about you baby,
I just simply can not bear it
Prayers come & go without merit,
Maybe only you can save me
I've been chain-smoking about you baby,
Trying to rid myself of your lingering taste
But it's savory & I hate it
Bad habits are hard to break
Now I'm binging about you baby,
& I'm choking about you baby
Feels like hanging from a bridge
[Rope + Throat =
Dangling, here - you baby]
The Frog Prince croaks, alone for you my highness,
Beauty is only skin deep when vanity is all but timeless
It's chipping away my sanity; (your china is the finest)
Your parisitical silhouette (the iris of my crisis)
I've been sniffing glue about you baby,
Now you're stuck on me like paste
With eyes closed, it's almost as if
you & I were face to face
Your touch, my long lost grace
How I long for your forgotten, electric embrace
I've been free-basing about you baby,
& basing my phrases around you lately
Just can't phase you out of my head
I see you in my dreamscape
You're my favorite escape baby
Now I'm hallucinating about you baby,
It feels like I'm losing you baby
Your pallor is opaque, are you okay baby?
I see a ghost; the resemblance is uncanny
It's become unnerving, why can't you just be happy?
Your antics make me frantic
I'm sour & spiraling downward baby
I've been robo-tripping about you baby,
& double-dipping about you lately
My frame of mind is shaky
So scrape away all my brain matter baby
I've been injecting about you baby
Now I have this festering infection,
affliction for your affection, and
My veins collapse about you baby;
Encasing my brain in frost,
You're cold as a glacier;
Read between the lines baby
You call the shots
Maybe I should huff some gas about you baby,
Or smoke some crack about you baby
I dunno what to do about you baby;
I could melt you on a spoon,
My life is drab without you lately
I just want to see color*
**Inhale *a dab about me baby,
So you can recreate your perception
of times past about me baby;
Mix & match the parts you like best
&* Exhale all the rest baby**
May 11, 2014
May 11, 2014 at 1:25 AM UTC
Who are you to stare at me?
Who are you to give me such harsh words?
Who are you?
Why do you do these things to me?
Why do you compare me to others?
Why do you insist I am never enough to you?
When did I do something to deserve this?
When did I begin to eat too much?
When did I begin to wrong you?
Why am I getting wider?
Why haven't you stopped me from binging?
Why haven't I been purging?
Who is Mia?
Where has she been?
What is she known for?
When did she come?
Why did she choose me?
How have I been so blind?
Apr 19, 2015
Apr 19, 2015 at 5:10 PM UTC
With a gluttonous obesity that devours love,
spits up lust,
and snacks on a
high-carb
pre-cooked
combination of the two,
we're counting calories consumed
with a track record of lovers,
regurgitating with regret and
binging again anyway when hunger pains strike.
Eventually we'll all suffocate
under the weight of the world.
May 27, 2012
May 27, 2012 at 2:52 AM UTC
I knew she planned on staying.
When she unpacked her belongings.
Mia told me she wasn't playing.
This time, she would cause the falling.
She woke me up the first night,
After he ran away.
Mia's chapped lips whispered our old times,
She reminded me of tooth decay.
For the next few days, Mia was my shadow.
Her doe-eyes trailed my every course.
Waiting patiently for me to plateau,
Before attacking without remorse.
Mia told me she was mending my cuts,
My battered heart, and my sliced legs.
She was making me whole with every hiccup.
He may have left, but she was here to stay.
We held hands throughout the store.
She helped me buy my favorite treats.
Binging together before locking the door.
Purging never tasted so sweet.
Mia held my hair and my pink tongue.
Her fingernails made my throat bleed.
Convinced me secrecy made this fun.
Our kneeling prayers were a mystery.
She wiped my tears with her acidic hands,
And whispered how much she missed me.
Mia uttered how only she would understand
My longing and misery.
Dec 11, 2015
Dec 11, 2015 at 12:10 AM UTC
Gising sa pagkahimbing
Ang isip na balimbing
At kahit anong halinghing
Ay binging nakatingin
Sa apoy na pinatay
Bandera'y iwinagayway
Ito nga'y tagumpay
Sa buhay na matamlay?
Kapangyarihang taglay
Hindi na lumalatay
Wala kang binubuhay
Sa matagal nang patay
Habang natutuwa
Sa larong nakakasuya
Ako ang mandaraya
Hindi ko ipagtatatwa
- JGA
Dec 21, 2021
Dec 21, 2021 at 6:13 PM UTC
1.Sight
Beauty looks like protruding bones
Photoshop, and makeup to cover tired eyes
Girls in magazines who emanate elegance
Even though the perfect girls are only a guise
That's what beauty looks like
2. Hearing
Beauty sounds like that girl you hardly know saying *** you've lost so much weight!"
You feel happy for a split second even though you don't see it
It's standing up a little straighter when hearing someone call, "You look really great."
But the voices still say "It's not enough."
That's what beauty sounds like
3. Taste
Beauty tastes like diet coke, since it's the only thing you'll drink
Tastes like bile and the salty tears running down your cheeks
After you just puked
It tastes like binging food that you bought really cheap
That's what beauty tastes like
4. Smell
Beauty smells like febreze mixed with *****
In a pathetic attempt to hide what you just did
It smells like a million foods vying for your attention
But keeping self control even though you want to quit
That's what beauty smells like
5. Touch
Beauty feels like running your hands across your collar bone
Because it gives you the illusion you're thin
It feels like your stomach releasing an overdue groan
Because you've been eating as if there is a famine
It feels like grabbing the fat on your body while your mind complains
Beauty is feeling the knife in your back reminding you
"Beauty is pain."
Jan 26, 2014
Jan 26, 2014 at 2:15 PM UTC
shuffling papers together into a pile,
you look like you’ve run a mile.
in such a hurry of what you’re looking for
that you forget what you’re pushing ashore.
papers strewn across the table
gathered in a fit of labor;
you’re in a hurry to chase the next high
but are you really? or are you really just chasing flies?
i am the paper that slips out of your grip.
i am the paper that hangs off the tip.
the floor beckons my fall,
the drop becomes a call.
a call for help, yet a call ignored
as you left me on the side as though i am nothing more.
(maybe its because i mention death like a prayer.)
i am the paper that idles by.
i am the paper that was hung out to dry.
you’ve purposely left me behind.
you’ve shoved me aside blind.
i trusted in you therefore i am blind.
when you confided in me, i was kind.
(maybe you were hurt by my actions.)
i am the paper sitting silently.
i am the paper binging on anxiety.
pick me up again and i’d be useful.
use me again although it may be cruel.
i don’t like the feeling of being abandoned.
it makes me feel like i’m a loose cannon.
(maybe your dead stares makes me ill.)
i am the paper that flew with the wind
i am the paper you seem to have skimmed
i am an afterthought, i think to myself a lot.
i am being overlooked like a blind spot.
i am forgotten just as easily.
you’ve gotten rid of me, finally!
(maybe i should scratch until i bleed today.)
i am the paper that is facing down.
i am the paper that is close to breaking down.
i wear a mask that is always cracking.
because i am done pretending.
pretending that everything is okay.
pretending that i am sane when i’m being put on display.
(maybe i should be punished for thinking this way.)
i am the paper that flew into the mud.
i am the paper that is drenched in my own blood.
i am weak but i am not.
i am strong but i think not.
i am tired but i am trying.
i am trying but i am dying.
(maybe my death will prove that i am right.)
i am an afterthought that is being forgotten
and i know its a lot for you
but if you ever think me rotten,
tell me now because i am not willing to be the paper
that was made out of spun cotton:
valuable until deemed unimportant,
helpful until easily forgotten.
(maybe I can finally sleep tonight.)
i am an afterthought that is being forgotten
and i know its a lot for you
but its a lot for me too.
Mar 4, 2018
Mar 4, 2018 at 9:07 AM UTC
I'm currenty somewhere between
Emotionally void
And too emotional.
It's not just OCD, or depression, or anxiety.
Or what everyone else thinks I have.
Just, you know,
ASPD.
Ha.
It makes me laugh.
**** yourself.
I need therapy again,
And I'm so jealous of those who can afford it.
I need meds,
And I'm so angry at those who can get it.
I know I need help.
But when you act out or ask for help
And all you get is silenced
Because it means your parenting is week
Because you care how it affects someone else instead
Because it is too much for you too handle
Because you'd rather I fix you,
Then I'm not going to get better.
Do you know how I solve it alone?
Razors and safety pins to make it dull,
Nyquil and Tylenol PM to get some rest.
***** and **** to medicate the main problems,
And binging and vomitting to get the physique back.
Maybe I don't need help.
This seems to be working pretty.
Well, only if pretty well means not at all.
Aug 6, 2013
Aug 6, 2013 at 8:18 PM UTC
I really don't think you understand.
I will explain it to you.
Being bulimic is convincing yourself,
That you don't like pizza, or chips, or ice cream.
And eventually you believe it whole heartedly.
And you cannot stand those foods anymore.
Being bulimic is pretending
To eat dinner in your room,
And just hiding it in a plastic bag,
Until you have time to get rid of it.
Being bulimic is more than just counting calories.
You count calories, and bites, and calculate percentage of calories from fat,
And how many calories you have left that day.
And you can't sleep if you haven't written every bite down.
Being bulimic is having an absolute panic attack
When dinner plans are changed.
You planned for this meal.
And now everything you worked so hard on, is gone.
Being bulimic is waiting till 2 am,
When everyone is asleep,
So you can sneak out to the kitchen,
And take a bunch of food back to your room.
Being bulimic is binging on so much food,
Way beyond what makes your stomach feel comfortable,
And you don't even like the food your eating.
You don't even like it, and you just stuff it in your mouth.
Being bulimic is being able to ***** without a toothbrush,
And doing at least 600 crunches that night,
So that you don't need to cut yourself
For what you just did.
Romanticize it all you want,
But my teeth rotted,
And i still have friends that listen outside the bathroom door.
Have fun, because I'm not.
Jul 29, 2013
Jul 29, 2013 at 2:49 AM UTC
I don't feel the way I had imagined
I would feel by the time I had gotten here
Paper scraps littering a lengthy path
An ivory album half filled to the gills
Most pages just blips and blackouts
A garden of blooming disappointments
I hyped up the experience too much
Everything feels so terribly lack luster
Now I'm almost always half asleep
And the days feel like I pressed repeat
I don't feel the way I had imagined
Though times have been much worse
And I'm alright with seeing the sunrise
The boredom is better than binging
Waking in such a painful panic
But I've kept the promise this time
Feb 28, 2022
Feb 28, 2022 at 2:05 AM UTC
Ang kape ay buhay
ipinantawid-gutom
kasabay, kaunabay
ng unang subo ng kanin,
sa murà kong isipan -
nilililok ng maalagang haplos
ng katam ng mga pangaral
at talim ng pait ng nakadaupang
mga dospordos ng karanasan,
bawat lagok ay nagbigay
ng iba ibang kulay,
ng alay
Alak ng paglimot ay tinagay
ng kapitbahay
na maingay
sigaw ng inipong luha’y
kakambal,
ngunit ang kape
-
sa Pilipino'y sawsawan
ng tinapay na inaasam:
paimpit ang napilayang pag-usal
sa binging patron ng pandesal
taimtim ang piping dasal
:
“bigyan mo po kami
ng aming kanin
miski walang ulam
basta may kape
,
pero mas maigi na rin po
pag may bulanglang”
"salamat po sa kape
ngay'ong kami'y buhay
at sa burol
kung kami'y mamatay
na kalul'wa'y pasal,
tirik ang namumuting mata
Inaykupu Nanay!!!"
May 1, 2018
May 1, 2018 at 3:26 AM UTC
"So fill your head with what's important; leave out all the rest"
Leave out the doubts
Leave out the mind-numbing fear
Leave out the heartbreak
Leave out the betrayal
Leave out the feelings of worthlessness
Leave out the hatred
Leave out the anger
Leave out the paranoia
Leave out the voices in your head telling you you're better off dead
Leave out the voices altogether
Leave out the endless circling thoughts
Leave out the anxiety
Leave out the worry
Leave out the panic
Leave out the fear of things you can't control
Leave out your self-hate
Leave out sadness
Leave out the dreams of dying
Leave out the bottle of pills
Leave out the endless binging
Leave out the dreams of reduction
Leave out the ones who hurt you
Leave out the ones who hurt you, intentional or not
Leave out the ones who don't care about you
Leave out the ones who don't understand you
Leave out the ones who don't listen
Leave out the ones who never will
Leave out the ones who don't love you
And stop trying to make them
I know it sounds hard
Sweetie, I know it's so hard
I know that you're mind is in a twisted, messed-up tango
I know you can't separate good thoughts from bad thoughts anymore
So here's a little reminder of what to leave out
And what to keep
Keep the love
Keep the hope
Keep the endless possibilities
Keep the books
Keep the cats
Keep the dogs
Keep the soft chairs and warm blankets and tea
Keep reading
Keep running
Keep learning
Keep talking
Keep listening
Keep watching tv shows and movies that make you happy, or make you think
Keep the memories of your heroes in the forefront of your mind
Keep yourself
Keep yourself and choose yourself
Keep the girl you really are, and stop trying to smother her
Keep fighting
Keep holding on
Keep swimming
Keep laughing
Keep loving
Keep trying
Keep the people who love you close
Keep your friends close
Keep hope alive
And most importantly,
My dear, sweet girl
Keep living
And don't give up
Jan 4, 2014
Jan 4, 2014 at 5:45 AM UTC
sick to the bone
i was tired of words i could not swallow
"i've been starving myself"
of food of hope of love of lust
i was tired of diving into toilet bowls
"i do not like to throw up"
i insisted this but my fingers did not listen
life lesson or self pity?
ingesting smoke
i was afraid this was all i could eat today
the fridge had told me different
and the cabinets too
i am tired of teary eyed binging
"i have to leave you alone"
i reiterated but i could never have enough
selfish promise or short term goal?
dizzy accusations
this was all my fault
i swallowed my words whole
and could never spit them out
it's starvation eating me up
i am tired of leaving tables early
"i could have stopped myself"
but my legs have proven otherwise
routine or bad habit?
Jan 28, 2014
Jan 28, 2014 at 3:08 PM UTC
*O opium's opposite,
A great wall
Of spine,
A Yin and Yang
Of tongues,
We tug and pull
At territories,
Acupuncture,
Our souls
Populous
Of me and her,
As our energies, powers,
Superpowers, stirring,
Growing, binging,
Surging, and resurging,
Engulf
A blazing evening.*
© 2015 J.S.P.
Nov 6, 2015
Nov 6, 2015 at 9:15 PM UTC
Sometime I think this cycle never ends
I binge and purge,
Then binge again
Cookies, ice cream, and chocolate cake
All in one go
Until I have an empty plate
Hugging the toilet,
Tasting bile,
I tells my friends it's just a diet
It's dangerous,
It could ****
It's not glamourous
I knows it's wrong
But it feels so right
I tells myself I'm being strong
This cycle will never end
Emptying my plate,
then my stomach
It's far too late
I keep binging, and purging
Then binging again
Mar 12, 2014
Mar 12, 2014 at 10:14 AM UTC
Apple cider vinegar boosts your metabolism and reduces hunger
I didn’t realize I had an appetite anymore
The feeling of food makes you sick when you can only imagine it coming back up
Spilling word ***** onto nice freshly cleaned carpets
Teeth stained, hospital gowns
I Need some mouthwash
If nobody knows about the problem that means it doesn’t exist right?
If no one can see your face, hallowed then you don’t take up space right?
Wrong, “you’re too fat, you’re too fat” You scream into the mirror
Haunching over the toilet, trying, crying to stand back up but no words come out and your legs won’t move for help
My illness is hard not to hate somedays when your throat is sore from five times of binging and purging today
Six rounds each
Maybe more if you can stomach it
Your nose will smell it and you’ll gag up more
Your mind is the worst weapon you can use against yourself
Counting every calorie as a new way to punish yourself for existing
You’re so afraid of taking up space that you will resort to slicing your belly in half in order to achieve inner peace
Baby, it doesn’t work that way
Listen I know that somedays you look to see your pretty skinny friends
And you feel bad about your body and how one of your thighs could barely fit through the head of her skintight t-shirt
But I have been there, I have seen **** you couldn’t even imagine
Girls who want to become bulimic or anorexic, get ready for your teeth to wear down and chip from the acid from below your belly
Rumbling with the force of regret, the food you just ate but didn't want the weight
Get ready for the hole in your throat right next to your tongue down your esophagus
That burned its way coming up as it did down
Get ready to see your mom or your dad walk in to see you on your knees praying to the gods above as below anything over the throne,
Get ready for the disappointment, the extra eyes, get ready for the tears the fears
Why can’t you just eat? The rehab, The relapse
Get ready for hating your body, lack of control
The spiral
Get ready because ana and mia don’t give a **** if you were happy before
Because they just want to be skinny
Aug 20, 2020
Aug 20, 2020 at 10:43 PM UTC
pigtails, tutus, ballet flats
diet at age of six
running, skipping, jumping jacks
did she know what beauty meant?
long brown hair, pretty eyes
gym class, age of ten
stretching, push-ups, two more laps
would she learn what beauty meant?
a boy, a kiss, a little more
life at young 15
sweet talk, smiles, and lots of force
of course she knew what beauty meant
silence, hate, weakness, lies
only sweet 16
binging, purging, swears and cuts
she'd never get what beauty meant.
May 8, 2013
May 8, 2013 at 10:56 PM UTC