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AJ Apr 2023
It’s 7pm,
Late 2000s,
I’m lying on the carpet.
My door is locked.
CDs are playing.
I am safe for now, but not for long.
My windows are open and the sound of crickets is competing with my ceiling fan.

The air is sickly sweet, and slightly smokey, and suffocating, in a way only late August can bring.
Like a death and a new beginning, colliding head on.
Bending and breaking everything in its path against their will.
You go where I make you go.
You move how I make you move.
You do not complain.

It is grief, and fear, and pure apathy.
Disconnection and misdirection.
Negotiation and disassociation.

I am the only person on earth.
No one else exists.
I do not cry out in pain.
No one is there to hear it.
AJ Apr 2023
One day I will finally turn back and look at her.
I can’t look back just yet.
I don’t want to see her.
I don’t want her to see me.
I don’t want them to see me.
When I finally escaped, I did not believe the first step.
I was running in place behind a closed door.
And now I’m miles away, out of danger, but I cannot stop running.
I cannot slow down.
I cannot look back.
One day I will turn back and look at her,
And I will take her with me.
And I will slow down for her.
“You remember too much, my mother said to me recently. Why hold onto all that?

And I said,
Where do I put it down?”
-Anne Carson
AJ Jul 2020
Your reactions create factions like fractions,
When we can’t afford anymore division.
Tow the line.
Read your line.
Get in line.
AJ Jul 2020
Where do you go when you’re too old for Neverland?
Trapped in a foreverland
Staring endlessly at a broken watch.

As a child I cried for inanimate objects,
Feeling haunted by buildings and plants.
I used to stare at the trees outside my window,
Wondering if they were more comfortable bare.
Solace in winter solstice.
AJ Jul 2020
Was it chemistry or nuclear physics?

I’d rather be heard and not seen.

It’s a dream
It’s a dream
It’s a dream
It’s a dream I have not seen.
Where am I and where were you?
AJ Jul 2020
The kind of person who always calls out the first rain drop.

Escaping fatality,
In reality,
On a technicality.

Feeling lost at the expense of being honest.
Paid six hundred dollars, tipped with a promise.

Transaction complete.
No receipt.
Please remove your card.
AJ Jul 2020
Or else I'll ****** the clouds.
And I'll do it at night, so the suns not there to witness.
The moon is too tired, so she'll just look away.
Not that she'd care.

Did you know she's evil?
The moon I mean.

She's calm, and dark, and seductive,
But it's all just a trap.

You know, she leads the sun to suicide every night.
And she watches.
Can't you see her over there, lying faint in the evening sky as he slowly fades off?

But he comes back every morning.
Unable to escape his torturous immortal fate.
So she just hides and plots her next attempt to lead the sun to his destruction yet again,

And maybe you to yours for the first time.
“Kaye: You know what the sun looks like?
Janet: No, What?
Kaye: Like he slit his wrists in a bathtub and the blood is all over the water.
Janet: That's gross, Kaye.
Kaye: And the moon is just watching. She's just watching him die. She must have driven him to it.”
-Quote from Tithe by Holly Black

Blast from the past.
I wrote this over a decade ago when I was 15, after finding this quote. For some melodramatic reason, I felt like the words had shot straight to my soul.
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