I'm sorry I'll never be able to have dinner with your family, that I'll never be able to sit down to a meal that your mother cooked, hold your hand under the table, and feel like an insider. I'll always decline to stay for dinner because I know that the anxiety over eating, over saying the wrong things would get to me and the plate set in front of me would feel like a mountain to be climbed, a spotlight exposing the fact that I am a fraud and I'm sorry for that.
I'll never grow out of it. I've grown into it. The lines between It and I have become hazy and some days I don't know who I am. Some days I'm going to be a *****, some days I'm going to withdraw, some days I'm going to need you to hold me and kiss me. Some days I'll let you see the most vulnerable parts of me and other days you're not going to recognize the girl you fell in love with.
I'm addicted to my eating disorder. I need the control, the pain, the punishment. The feeling of my bones under my skin keeps me going, the promise of tomorrow.
They say it's love when he's the first thing you think of when you wake up and the last thing you think of before you go to bed. But my weight is always at the forefront, perpetually waiting for morning to come so I can drag myself out of bed, weigh myself and wait for the day that I feel satisfied and I know it shouldn't be this way.
I love you more than I hate myself.
I will never leave you here by yourself. It doesn't matter what I feel, I will never leave you wondering why. I can hurt myself, but I could never hurt you like that.
I know you're trying to understand what I'm dealing with, but I honestly don't understand it myself.
I'm sorry that we'll never be able to order pizza and cuddle while watching Doctor Who, I'm sorry you'll never treat me to a fancy restaurant, I'm sorry I don't know why you love me, I'm sorry I'll skip out on doing things just because I don't want to confront food, I'm sorry I'll never go trick or treating with you, I'm sorry my problems are affecting our relationship. I'm sorry that I've made it personal. I'm sorry that I've put a face to the words 'eating disorder,' I'm sorry that it's a face that you love.