What if everyone went speaking their mind?
What if we broke the silly social walls?
How come we ask how people are,
When we don't want to know?
Does it help you to hear the words "I'm fine"?

How come we diss people with a dream?
Are you jealous you conformed and they schemed?
How come money determines worth?
Even worse some come with a fame at birth.
I'd rather be broke than broken.
I'd rather be speaking than spoken for.
I'd rather eat marshmallows than s'mores
I don't need the chocolate. Whatever.

What if we danced in the street?
I already dance in the street
And while your mind is drifting, driving away
If you hit me dancing, I'd wave and say it's ok.
But really, I won't sue you just make sure I'm ok? Ok.

What if people became famous for poetry?
What if I become famous for, I'm kidding.
If you know of me, I'd give all the money away.
Maybe I'd keep a little to retire today

I bet you feel broken,
I bet something made you feel broken
You speak about past demons
Like they hang on your back
Holding your eyelids open
Never knowing you haven't even awoken.
Like the sun isn't setting 92 million miles away
Allowing you to accept the new day.

Regret yourself having a past?
Allow yourself to have a future
I've looked in the same mirror,
It shows a scared child, a damaged man
I'm nothing better than any.
I circumvent my own short comings
Trying to lend a hand to any
That will allow me theirs.

When the mirror crashes to the floor
And pieces scatter in disarray
We can lay them out and glue them back
Into something beautifully new.
Perfection of you, is defined in you.
Never forget the real truth.

I don't understand the want
For an absent parent's pride
I'd rather plot and plan with the one whose been at my side.
You can't be proud of trees you didn't grow
While you were off sowing oats
I was sowing stories as a way to cope
"Ryan, understand it's a mutual hate"
I've rerun that line in my mind a couple times
Then realized even your explanations are fake.
In my court, you hold no water
you should do what you do best
And don't bother, I'm proud of me.

All the kids who use to mock me in school
Use the same lame names for every kid
Cheers to Matthew, they called me Harry Potter too
I guess we just stupified them with creativity
Only to see those people grow to be losers for their longevity
While we can turn this water to ***
They still sit stunned.
Give me my cape back, I'm not done.

They tell you not to conform
Then they fight you until you make your own lane
Im playing the same game you chose
But I'm button mashing Konami codes
Until I can make a march of fifty men
Let's hear the backlash of my actions then
All the sudden it's silence until they all cheer
While I'm doing my own, everyone is living in fear
Am I the only one really living here?

I might be just a distraction
Like flowers during hard times
Giving a funny quip to obtain reaction
Then falling back into line.
It's a bit obnoxious, leaving me a lack of real
I can only imagine how everyone else feels.
The goofy kid who opens his lid
just to laugh at himself and what everyone else did.
That's how I play it in my mind
That's how it plays in theirs too.

A one note joke spoke is funny
Until it's being told the hundredth time
It was quirky and a little punny
But best to leave a dying joke to die
Don't laugh, it encourages attention,
Walk past, leaving me no mention.
It's humorless and rumor is
I do it for self-defense and deflection,
The room is heavy and I hate the tension.

I might just be a distraction
Like an ice cream cone,
A sometimes treat worth a smile
But you don't miss it when it's gone.

Some days it's really hard to exist.
Wake up, turn on the figurative light
Blurring colors with awakened eyesight
As my reoccurring thoughts resurface,
You won't be here for the holidays.
**** my father, I'm not him, I am.
My hair looks a mess, get dressed.
"You've got this" I think to a mirror image.
Hand to the glass like art not finished.
My self-esteem feels diminished.

Listen to an instrumental to gently let the words flow
Out of a skull that's crying too deep
Anymore I've just been straight faced, lost,
My life has a price, tell me the cost please.
What's the number they wrote on my head
I need to know if it's more alive or dead.

Let's let it spill tonight, let's really tell them.
I'm not doing ok, the cuts on my arm
Are not representation of any self harm
But a child I feel I'm failing, I'm failing.
I had a dream that I sunk in too deep,
Felt a push and that sprouted to a leave.
Screaming names like any can be worse
Than the ones I already call me.
I'm still afraid I'll suffocate, not metophoricaly
My lower back is still killing me
But I don't tell because it's just not worth it
Go back to work, the only thing making me not worthless.
I wish my words held any worth at all
To anyone reading, don't fall.

Did you tell her she wasn't worth it
Laying on single mattress alone, searching purpose.
She would go out through nights
When the streetlights would only illuminate
Sitting on an old bridge with me until very late.
Before the night ended she stopped to say
"If everything was a little less
Could I be a little more?"
Laughing while everyone slept,
Talking about future plans, we knew were unsure
And barely going home until the sun crept.
Over those pines on Washburn street.

Every weekend she would get lost at a bar
Starring drinks made to forget,
Featuring people made to remember,
Knowing this world for her, wasn't forever.
Sitting ideally at the next seat, I hoped it all changed
For the better for you.
Smiling into a glass like home wasn't hell,
Watching people pass we would tell
All the amazing places we had been
Leaving out the hardships and pain.

Until one day, I searched for you unfound,
Asking, they said you finally packed up
Leaving for a better town.
Perfectly in silence, you went through the night
Through illuminated streetlights.

For all that's ever gone wrong
For all the times my life was a mess
I swear I forget how much I'm blessed
It's amazing that I'm still here breathing,
My kid knows my face and follows my name
I have a wife who loves me and a place of my own
I don't question the place I call home
And I'm reminded daily I'm never alone
This life is a struggle and I do gamble with death
And even if the weather chills my bones
I can still see my breath
So that must count for something.
Nothing can mean nothing, right?

I have a couple friends that I rarely talk to at all
Society tries to tell you there's no problem money can't solve
I watch parents dope kids with pills for being kids
The same ones who grow and don't know how to live
We like to blame problems on all but ourselves
But when we run out of blame who does that help?
Life is a game and those are the cards you're dealt
Go big or go home but leave the porch light on
Because you may return like an old song

You think I've never been broke,
Think I've been over my head unable to cope?
You aren't unique in your struggle
But no one is talking so you sit puzzled
Like everyone has all the pieces, you're stuck with no thesis
What would happen if we really took off fake faces
And stopped taking blue pills, stuck in a matrix
Most hands aren't royal flushes and aces
You sit steady bluffing with a confident stare
While no one around even has a pair.
"How are you?" They ask, you open your mouth,
Take a deep breath and ready to unwind,
Try to speak then smile and say "I'm fine"

There's a fire burning somewhere,
You can feel it too, right?
The heat is increasing out there
Beyond the horizon you or I can see.
Stand next to me, close your eyes,
And slowly. Breathe.
The smoke could choke us,
Only, most of the world, they don't notice.
Not like us, smelling scents so potent.
Everyone is arguing of nothing,
Reality is terrifying.

There's a break of waves in the ocean,
Excitedly, people bring their children floating.
"This calm is so great!"
Paying no attention to the earth being broken,
I feel asleep in a space that claims awoken,
Everyone is blissful in the nothing,
Reality is terrifying.

I'm dying cracking jokes,
I'm just like you,
The dire circumstances, I let go.
Defensively I laugh at demons I know.
But I know, the last thought I'll evoke
Will not be a playful poke.
I'll tunnel song myself back to a heartfelt note.
I'm laughing at the nothing.
I'm so scared of this nothing.
I know nothing is coming.
Reality. It's terrifying.

I'm sorry that I'm not sorry
You should not be sorry that you are.
I apologise unapologetically for well...
For the nothingness of everything,
For the dead who truly lived,
For the living living dead.
For the glass half full I drank,
For the glass half empty I will have drunk
For all the things I wrote
And those ones I simply had thunk.
I'm sorry that I'm not sorry
I hope you don't accept.

I go down this lake shore from work to home
Ten minutes to recover my mind, to where I'm going.
It's been alright, some nights I just want to write
Then crash on a pillow with blankets pulled tight,
Awake to a blank page with an LED light.
Smile to push that aside, with dark circles,
Speaking the truth that I'm trying to hide
But I promise I'm alright.

My mother sometimes worries, I'm stuck getting buried at work.
Eat a lunch at my station on a twelve hour rotation.
Don't worry, I can't say I'm in a hurry to work life away
All the extra just keeps the bills at bay.
Back on that lake shore, I'm soaring each day.
Today, I woke sedated and hated the feeling of dealing
With each public problem until Ryan solves them,
Another one is floating my way.

I sail through the breeze with a little unease
But the wind has me all the same.
And I hope you don't find like I,
as if I don't have much time
So pay me no mind, I still fear the end of my game.
I clock these ten hours of chore
Just to drift down that lake shore and find my way home again.

You better make room at the top,
If not I'll push my way into the crowd
I'm not going to stop, not asking if I'm allowed.
They'll read my name in the paper, watch me.
I'll be the reason you spit your morning coffee.
That odd kid made a best seller,
That weird kid sold up and isn't so lame.
Unfortunately they still don't know my name.

I've been chasing a beautiful success
Long before you even had a cerebral cortex,
The problem with you is you're thinking backwards.
I'm a different sort of intellectual awesome
If you can't see that, I'll saw you in half
Starting right at the corpus callosum.
Or I'll just keeping being me
Tap the first domino and watch the rest
Scattering across the floor in a mess.

I joke about never making it there
I'm afraid I'll never get noticed
The truth is, I write everyday
Just to hope today is the day
That I wake up to minimal fame
And someday, someone will write me a letter
To tell me how something I wrote
Made their life change
But today I'll stay unnoticed

On the days I don't know what to write,
I write about not knowing what to write.
Each word rattling, wanting to play
But I fear my original thoughts are cliche.
The inspirational quote I wrote, feeling powerful,
As I put it down, just felt so dull and bland.
Full poems, pulling at my heart
Disappear into that nowhere land
Like sands sifting from an hourglass
Onto the beach, blending back.

I painted landscapes in a moment
Pouring water, after, over the canvas
I couldn't stand to see myself portrayed generically.
As the brush had hit the fabric,
I believed this was my vision and I owned it.
The colors flowing out had shown
A piece to this world I called "unknown".

Thinking on all those almost created,
I wish I kept them, maybe,
My future self would have found one amazing,
Maybe someone would have related.

It's funny, you can be in bed with soft, warm sheets
While there's a fire going on right up the street.
On that corner, there's a man begging for cash
While some kids drive by who don't appreciate what they have
They stop by a burger joint to get a bite to eat
While the kid flipping burgers is working towards a dream
See that boy has been working seven nights a week
At the end of the night, he asks for a raise
But the manager knows he's stuck in a maze
Shaking his head no, this world just doesn't pay
Building you up just enough to never reach the end
With all the money in the bank and not a dollar to spend.

It's funny, you wake up and lace up your shoes
While a kid down at the park is playing the blues,
A man on that park bench suffers from the real blues
Just from picking up his morning paper and reading the news
He gets so sick of the rat race, he goes home,
And prepares for a rigged game of Russian roulette
But right before he puts that barrel to the side of his head
His phone rings, and has a good chat with old friend
In that one call he puts dead, his plan to be dead,
Goes to a clinic and gets help instead.

It's funny, while I was writing or as you were reading
The man in the next room could bleeding
Shouting for help, you didn't hear his call
Focused on all for one, amigos, we need to be one for all
If no one is listening, I'm just talking to the walls

She dances on ivories
To a small bar dreams came to die
Closing her eyes as each digit sweeps
Becoming sound as fast as her fingers fly.
Hoping her music will set her free
From a town she lingered too long.
She plays them the song she's felt
In every bone, letting the piano tell
The words she's too afraid to say.

She dances on ivories
Live on a stage with attention of many
Looking for familiar faces but doesn't see any.
Her music takes her places far and wide
Everything she wanted, still it doesn't feel right.
Adored by her fans in a personal spotlight,
Loved for her sound, shaking countless hands
Thousands fill the stands as she's grown
With each show, she feels more alone.

She dances on ivories
For her family listening to her play,
Telling her children if they try to be,
They can be anything if they practice everyday.
"But listen, no matter how much you grow
Don't ever forget this is your home."

What are you trying to say,
Lately I've been asking myself.
It feels like my thoughts are too piled up
With only a feather to dust these shelves
Sweep these images off of my chest
Left scraping together this disorganized mess.
I'm having trouble with my fan base,
The trouble is I don't have a fan base.
Stuck in a position of not knowing what I want to be,
I know who I am, now let's look past me.

I've been debating religion and stuck in an uncomfortable position
Of calling most the church goers hypocrites
Only following the rules when the shoe fits
Then gossip in the back of the pew
about a man with more struggles than you
Hung up on other's demons, while pretending to smile
We send them to a mental trial, tell the next person
Next you leave them exiled, pulling some godly ranks.
Ask me to come to that place, I'll say no thanks.

It's another lakeshore day, it's another late night
Taking a breath of the wild at 2 am through dim light.
Sitting in the same room, with a little time to type
I'm stuck in my thoughts but unable to know what to say
So I'll leave this on an ironic tone
Yesterday, my father wished me a happy father's day.
But his knowledge of me stands unknown.

There's an old house up on Jennings Street
In a yard so overgrown, you can't see your feet
A vine grows up the side and a shed near the back
With a door that doesn't meet the frame and track.
A hole in the roof, houses a family of Bluejays
Who chirp and play as the world passes by
Babies jumping off that same roof, learning to fly
Untaxed by the society seen in people eyes.

Some say it's haunted, others say just condemned
But inside those cryptic walls is a place few have been
Once you've entered, time stands very still
Every creak tells a story and the air is thinner with a chill.
Musk and dust cover where a family thrived,
Before this technology that made us so unalive.

I wouldn't dare to move a single thing
I bring only what my eyes recall.
This place was not my place, not even my time
In a body I only borrow, who am I to call anything mine?
Others blinded by greed, believe they are owed this history
So as I left this house I locked the door, to save the mystery.
There's an old house on Jennings Street
Leave it be, it's perfect.

I feel there are few times where I can just lie,
Lie under a large tree with no other purpose
A million things to do yet, I am doing none
Carrying a mind with no thoughts, not one.
With leaves acting as net catching the sun
Slowly rising up, knowing that time is done.

We all have a friend
Who didn't make it very old
Whether you were there at the end
Or somewhere in life's between
I bet you would give your weight in gold
For a chance just to see them,
For one more night out in the world
Or even just a small talk.
All you have is a short mental walk
Through the times that seem too small
Stuck in a place without you at all,
And I wonder how you're doing
Wherever you are.

I made my first friend in second grade,
He was the kid who seemed to always find a way
He learned to ride a unicycle
Making his own parade.
He got me out of my house in the middle of fall,
Went swimming in my pool,
While the algae was stuck to the walls.
It was freezing and slimy.
I'm sorry your world was unwinding
And I wish I would've known you more.

I don't have the right words
Because truly none of them are right
I've thought about the fact you aren't here
On quite a few nights.
I send my regards to all you knew,
I'm sorry to say a part of my childhood
Feels like it passed with you.
This is the only way I have to show
I miss a man I barely got to know,
My old friend John O.

The stars looked really bright tonight,
To be honest I only saw them for a minute
But I saw them all the same, look up
Maybe they're out where you are too.
There's something peaceful about this world
When the crowds part, our hearts march  in silence
If my words were leaves with a pen for a tree,
If I drop this pen does it really make a sound?
Among familiar faces yet, no one is truly around.

I worry about the state of people's minds
In these hot Arizona days, I find
It odd to give a beggar water
And be scolded, as they may not really be in need
If a person sits injured does it matter the context of the bleed
Don't worry I've got a bandage to spare,
You won't take away my image of a  world
Where people sincerely care
So play me for a fool, I'll wear a jester hat
Spewing out a stupid joke for the insecurities I mask.

But if you take away a single thought from me,
Look up at the stars tonight
Maybe they're out where you are too.
You can never touch their beauty

I use to be in a poverty line,
Food stamps and insurance for a bit
Telling people I'd pick up, it was fine.
Got sick real quick of sitting with people
Who just simply sat.
Once I picked up my head, friend,
I promised I'd never turn back
And if I can beat those odds for me
You can beat those ones for you.

I made a career selling drugs,
From a white collar to scrubs and back
Don't listen to my grandmother,
She will tell you that I haven't been using my potential
But she doesn't read everything I wrote
Everyday with this pencil.
As if money equivalates value,
As if the paycheck is a reason not to be you.
Some people don't see behind the scene
Like the whole audience isn't caged,
Like every performance isn't staged.

I can't stress enough to follow your dreams,
Be responsible with responsibility
But a career is just a check, silly.
A passion is worn in a fashion on the heart
Worth it's weight in gold,
Speaking whatever art from your soul,
I take care of mine, so don't mind
Because anyone can be a god
And beat those odds that beat you down

Do you think it's odd,
They question a millennial generation
For being in touch with how they feel?
Should I follow you and push it down?
Let's pretend none of it is real, yeah?
"Close your eyes to injustice, kid.
Don't you talk about it, then we'll have to talk about it."
A lot of Hollywood has to talk about it.
Instead of people putting it to god
We put it to our own selves but none aplaud.
Rather appauld that we speak.
I might fit your snowflake type
But my demons aren't melting in my mind
Trickling through as you close your eyes.

Do you think it's odd,
If people don't understand your problem
They label you as a weak link
But  did you ever stop and think
If it was your name in an oppression,
If it was your heart in a depression,
If it was your loved one shooting up,
Maybe you'd feel different.
You can't help fix these cracked streets
If you have your eyes covered in a sheet
You aren't a hero for making a toast
When the problems hit you were a ghost.

Do you think it's odd
That we are all people
But more often than not **** each other
Praying to a god that doesn't pass judgement to you.

My mind is like crank, turning out ideas
Look around this room, no cobwebs here
The door is always open, I'm hoping you see me
As just the same as you, a man with little plan
But still stand for whatever belief I hold,
The fact is all the gold in the world
Isn't worth your integrity, regrettably,
Some can be sold, I stand before you
With a five and a seven, still never fold
I'm that wild card, that was hard to shuffle,
Feathers covered in oil and ruffled,
The secret is I've got ridges, Forget being religious,
You're a god, make a miracle, they may shun you,
Like a man believing in a world that's spherical.
Still someone has to climb that ladder,
At day's end you can look in a mirror
And it may not shatter.

Life is good, the hell of today, it fades.
Put down the rope and take up knot - tying
Similarly, the people who look down at you for not trying
Are not trying to see how hard you are trying.
It's not worth crying to the same lace pillow case
About that dream you believe you aren't good enough to chase
Fads and trends blend until you can't tell them apart
But real passion is only found in heart and reflected through eyes
In an adult world, that part of humans seems to die.
Alright. Jump and possibly fly.

Build people up with dreams like legos
And let go of the expectation of current standings
The runway may not be clear but you don't need landing
Plan for the best, the worst just ends in a hearse
Believe me, I've been unbreathing.
A good night, I fly into?
drag me from my flesh, I'm not leaving.
Don't believe me, I'll almost die twenty times with a heart beating.
I'm not leaving.
You'll have to **** a soul from my soles until this ground swallows me whole.
Still this body will never go cold.

Remember when you would grab your favorite record?
The snaps and pops as the music would start,
Jumping up and down on the floor,
The dancing made the record hop,
Those scratches made the record stick
With that 45 adapter to capture that one song
That kept you spinning, spinning until gone.

Remember that cassette in your car
Over played to a point of obsession,
The tape would squeal to teach you that lesson.
The tape would unwind at the worst time.
Like a surgeon you grab a pencil
Spin it around until every piece of film
Hits the reel back into place.

Remember the CD you played,
Laying down in your bed
Did you look up at the ceiling?
I looked through the artwork instead.
Scratches only came while carrying it through life
Until something new comes into light.

I'm listening to these files,
Dragged and dropped to device
Every song sounds flawless,
Every song in lossless flac
But to let that original record keep spinning
I'd give it all back.

When all the lights fly out
From the insects we use to collect,
Staying up under a tree with an old wooden swing
Pushing higher to see if you could project
Yourself over the branches above.
Telling me someday you'd escape
As you pulled the lid away
Watching those neon colors go up.

In the blink of an eye,
We became the adults we tried
So hard not to become.
Pretending as children we knew our futures,
Fabricating ideas, really we had none.

As we got older and distant,
I sit under this tree and miss
The person who sat next to me.
As the wind blows cold air,
A rickety swing moves slow
Almost knowing I wish you were here.

The prettiest smiles
Have the most broken minds
I say this as I keep my grin wide
I say this as I tie my tie
Looking into the mirror asking who am I
As if I have some truth to find
Just a guy who learned to write,
Searching for something that feels right
While I type on a screen I hold tenaciously
Thinking of the next line too long
The screen decides to turn off
Then it's me staring back at me
But in blackened version barely seen.

I stare at stars and wonder who's looking too
Reflecting light from me back to you
That's a lengthy light-year way to say
We are connected everyday.
It's chilly making bones brittle
Flicking my wrist to crack a little
I should really make my way to fire
Just a spark, the flames crack and spittle
Turning ablaze to something to admire.

The hardest nightmares
Can lead to the most beautiful dreams
I think this when my head screams.
Something wonderful awaits in time
Retracing my soul in every line
Searching for myself to find
I'm just a human with a creative mind.

What would I do for a Klondike?
I might ****** a militia of a million men,
Take the time to cut off every head
With a quick swink and a loud thud.
We don't play, bud, I'd crawl through the mud,
Grind through the filth of Shawshank
With smells too terrible to speak
For just a bite of that creamy treat.

I'd be a drug mule until I got to the top, bro.
I'd smuggle it all like El Chapo,
Working hard with police on my payroll
Until I got caught and questioned,
Judged and jailed to teach me a lesson.
Showing them that ice cream for confession
And all they responded was,
"Ryan, that was a rhetorical question"

Please walk by me,
The music's cranked to hear my mind breath
I can't hear you and please don't remind me
I'm aware of the bass and snare
Keeping all other opinions out of there
It's not as simple as, "I don't care"
But at the same time I'm happily unknown,
So don't address yourself to me over here.
Leaving me in my own zone.

It's confusing, seeing me wandering by
See I'm happy, I'm laughing
You just don't have the formula to understand
That I have no master plan
I choose to dance with uncertainty
And I love it.

I love it like a random Wednesday drive
With no map, following clouds in the sky
The roads are the veins
To my pulse carrying me by
This is my zone, where I am alive
Don't squander my voice,
This place I've found is just mine
I'll stay here awhile, you can pass me by

It's a countdown, whats the count now?
Do you know? Is it in your head?
Is it trapped in your pillow as you lay in bed?
You say run, I'll do laps until I collapse.
Until I relapse to the same spot
Where my legs drops, keep my head up.
Keep your head down like a soldier
Fighting through a war, getting older.
What's the count now? It's a countdown.

Eighteen shots rang out across the field
Eleven more then each side did yield
The commander speaks out in code
Like he has a plan for that unknown
Guerilla warfare until the cover is blown
But they dont plan for worst scenario
Passing the past like it's buried now.

Each one would take a shot for America
Right to the chest, right through the heart
This is raw thoughts, I'm not wearing a vest.
The pain could drain any in the path of this shooter
But I'm a soldier looking into the future
It's a countdown. What's the count now?

That look when you say everything is fine
And you're lying with every fiber
Call me a lier, surely I'd deny it.
Don't even try it, look deep in my eyes
We hide the truth, really we don't hide it.
People like the version of a complete person
They just gloss past an aversion
Written on their lips pursed,
Just never spoken by the person.

Listen, you don't even need to listen
There's pain written on expression,
The real thoughts we don't mention,
Those are the ones, no one pays attention.
Singing loud in times of screaming,
Reality slipping so then speak of dreaming.
Writing out the pain instead of bleeding.
His father died, he says his father's fine.
She's knows but lets him go in lie.

This is not the first time I wrote these lines
But how are you?
I just say I'm fine.

I could use a drugged out fantasy
Where the walls dance in my head
A little hit of ecstacy so I might fade in bed
Maybe I can take a drag and forgot the cares
Waking sober and everything is still there.
Can I get by for one more night,
Can I be high on life?
It's going to be alright
If we can just take flight.

A bit of ******* to a dull brain
Getting ****** up in a blow
Nobody to say a word, only Washington knows.
Lost in the flow of the words as they slip
Drifting off the tip of my tongue
Sliding smooth out of my lips,
Can you taste the potent drips,
Can you go a little more numb?

I'm sure everything will pass,
Passing the time of one more night
Slipping, high on life,
Can we just be alright?

The witching hours, we aren't afraid of those,
Heaven knows we pray for sleep
Only to dream of having dreams
Stuck in the darkness of this in between
Keeping consciousness but, honest this
Baggage has been weighing heavy.
These flood gates still hold steady,
Under pressure they may just break the levee,
Cracking slowly all the time,
For all the things attacking your mind,
I wrote this lullabye.

Streaming through insomniac days
That just fade out like memories
Barely there despite being awake.
Shaking the feeling of dealing
With the ghost I call myself
Until I can slip into my bed and melt.
Can I host a night where rest is felt?
Maybe not, yet still I try,
Writing myself a lullabye.

Two became three, three came four
Numbers shining from my dresser drawers
Taunting, laughing, trapping me in my head
I tried to write a lullabye
Only to find a nightmare instead.

There's a place in the woods
Only lit by the inhabitants I invade,
Where I swam in the water,
You swam in the water.
We laughed because we'd cry
We cried because we stopped laughing,
Reality swept us away but for a moment
We left that all behind.

Deep in Macalania, only one other saw,
I was afraid of the future,
You were lost in the past, only we didn't know.
Only knowing I put my faith in you,
As the fayth helped guide our hands
If they had not sent you, I don't think I could stand.

Our lips touched for a second,
Our guards dropped for a moment
And the world's calm was put on hold.
The end of the journey as scary as death
Only moving forward in hopes of new breath
"Just whistle and I'll come running"

I spend my nights dreaming,
I spend my days dreaming too.
I don't need your reality
Don't mind my mentality,
I get it, you think different.
I'm looking at life to live it,
Amazed they didn't **** me yet.

I sold my soul to the devil,
Then doubled down with all the gods
I told them i had nothing to lose
I'm not confused,
I've got that American dream
But I've got all those same struggles too.
I'm going full steam ahead,
Falling over before I can reach the bed.

I stay up late sacrificing sleep,
Spill the blood of the counted sheep
And ignore my eyes trying to creep closed
They tell me it's the only way
When you have nothing, they find your gold
When you have nothing, you can still be sold.

I wanted to write a masterpiece
Here's a page of my life,
What do you think of this?
Nobody is asking to read more
But if I didn't have these paper sheets
I don't think I'd be living anymore.
Here's the time I almost choked and died,
Ate the wrong thing and saw flat lines
And although I've written about it before,
Sometimes it feels like a war
So I write it again to pull that fear from my core.

I wanted to write a masterpiece
So my father might say he's proud
I spent my whole childhood working for it.
As an adult he gave me that line
And all i could feel was that he wasn't allowed.
My mother told me she was proud
And I felt like I was on skyscraper,
But when you're on top you can only go down.
No one ever speaks of your success
Until you're back broken on the ground.

I wanted to write a masterpiece
So here's 500 times I felt low
Here's another 500 I was able to grow
Here's every piece of life I've known.
Here's a masterpiece, I'll light it in flames
I'm just a human born to be lame
So keep the trophy I just wanted to play the game.
Get off that bench and quit the team,
We are all born from that same cloth
But I'm ready to rip the seams.

I wanted to be a masterpiece,
Not just a simple piece or a pawn
I want to be a masterpiece
Before they take me out and I'm gone.

The moon is shining so bright tonight
I wonder if you see it too.

What kind of protest do you accept?
In what way is anyone allowed to express?
Do you want a riot with blades and guns,
Police beating them back for fun
Shoot up the streets, let them run?
Broken glass smashed on the old store fronts
Holding signs to get beaten down
Like we all have a message,
Silence it before the media comes.

What if they kneeled for your flag
In respect to those who were treated unjust.
It's peaceful but you still kick up dust.
They push back to say all matter
But they don't see this white double standard.
How can you say who's oppressed
When it isn't your race being addressed?

They want to build walls,
I'm hoping to build bridges.
You're Asian, Latina, African, Muslim, religious?
You deserve every right I've got.
Don't let anyone stop you, come get it
Sincerely, a white man so they give me privilege.
That's messed up isn't it?

Listen to a million songs telling me what I can be
Listen to a million people telling me what I can't be
Spent my childhood with a suffocated flame
Until I broke those chains, now I can breath
But I can't leave this place until I've lifted every stone
Still afraid of what might turn up
I've been corrupted, pushed until erupted
Blowing up like heavens and hells  collide
Not in real forms, here I welcome you to my mind.

There is no peace in this place, like the one outside it too
In this Mudville, Casey has a home run long overdue.
In a cuckoo's nest, I can't imagine how many flew
I'm continuing to write down my tracks, as always,
For myself. Im hoping they may help you too.

Battling blocks that writers rarely talk about
Falling stagnant with a pen
If I did something outside of this,
Imagine all the hours I could spend
Not riddling my upper rattle
Prattling  on about things most will never read
Listening to a million songs telling me what I can be
Now all I can do is just believe

What would I do for a million dollars?
How much time would I let them have?
I could tell you it wouldn't be worth anything,
But security, let's talk maturely, I'd do anything sir.

You want a man killed? Sure.
Who is it I'm wacking?
Sell paraphernalia to people?
Okay, how much are we packing?
Give them all my integrity
Give them everything that makes me, me.
Chain up these arms and pretend to be free.
Sell them my name, Ryan Maroni? I use to be.

I thought about it all for a bit
With a pen in my hand, a chair where i sit.
Looking over the contract, riddled with clauses.
Hand stutter shaking, making my grip tight
I put the pen down and paused.
Then riped up the paper with all of my might.

How quickly they can feed you fire,
How quickly they can take it away.

I spent so long climbing that hillside
Just to see a mountain range

You can say I'm nobody,
But I am something, I'm not a body,
I bring in a force, not of reckoning,
I don't have the devil by the horns
I'd rather scorn those who sit so serious.
We can burn down this city,
Torch the town to ash with me
But only to laugh that it really hit the ground
Don't worry, we are all survivors, all around.
I don't need your money, don't insult my mind.
I'm a soldier of a different kind.

You can say I'm nobody,
In a sea of passing people populating a plot
Because the train for me just doesn't stop,
Time doesn't move for me and it doesn't not
I'm here like you with a name attached
But from me to you, I'm just a faceless man
I'm not special, I didn't participate,
I didn't do good or great and most of your demons,
I am nobody, so how could I relate?

I could say you are nobody,
Or we can shake hands and be now known.
We can discuss our interests, the lives we've grown.
We can be special in a sense that I made you so,
We can have heated discussions making time slow
Or laugh until the sun dawns then sets.
But truly i must admit,  I'm in a hurry and must be going.
Sincerely,
a nobody someone almost met.

There's wind in your sails, son
But there is sin lurking in the waters
This ice might freeze your veins
When you're on high tides with just a dream,
Whether it's smooth sails or drowned on a rock bed
Remember to always keep a level head.
Most of those speeding bullets are flying depressed
What if the fame of their mental unrest
Continues to grow and the crowd following
Is the food making the illness continue to manifest?

I'm paying to make the warm days stay cool
I'm paying to make the cold days warm
And I keep my cool because it's out of my hands
All I can do is fix it or buy it brand new
Until I come to that day when these cards all come due
I feel lost because I work to eat Ramen as fuel
That's just being dramatic, I eat because I like it too.
But I wish people were more honest about these feelings
Instead of the fake smile, fake "great" chat.
Shake their hand never knowing the weight on their back
Let's be real, this is exactly where I'm at:

I put down the pen for a month to be a work slave
That doesn't mean I don't crave to jot these thoughts
It means I don't hold the energy for me
I spend my free time pulling grey hair looking at the dark circles
That I wave to in a mirror fogged up when I breathe
"How can I help you and how am I wrong?"
A professional drug dealer, a professional nothing.
Think I'm important? I think you'd replace me like nothing.
A Russian roulette and not a single chamber is bluffing.
I put down this pen for ***** scraps of parchment
That a man used to get synthetic numbness sent
Through his veins and I miss that idiot some days.
And I'm sorry. Man, I'm sorry.

If everyone acted as I do,
I would have a hard time finding myself.

An older lady came to the pharmacy
To pick up her oxycodone twenties,
Her copay wasn't much money,
Double counted a hundred twenty
As close to me as you stand,
I explained her doctor prescribed Narcan.
In case of overdose, one spray up the nose
Can save yourself or someone else.
She twisted her face to me real funny,
And said "What do you take me for a druggie?"
She took the vial, left the spray
As I waved with a have a nice day.

She felt accused by me, in a huff,
Threw the pills up in her cabinet.
As fate would have it, her granddaughter
Came over and spotted the bottle with red cap.
Imagining the high if she could get that,
Imagining the euphoria as she stole that.
Sneaking off into the bathroom
Downing tap, she consumed a few.

Something wasn't right, her breath felt light,
Disoriented trying to read the label,
Hands shaking, feeling her body dive,
She saw the number twenty, thinking they were fives.
Unresponsive, her grandmother runs in
With the sound of a heavy crash,
She waits for paramedics who arrive at last.
Only to announce, nothing to be saved
Now she digs a grave for pride over a nasal spray.

I've seen criminals act heroic,
Heroes walk as thieves,
Humans must be at a steady downfall
Because all I see are leaves
Tarzan stood half monkey, half man
Until he let all those apes escape
Now he's running with Specter in this primate land.
I play mario in a tanooki suit, as a statue would stand
Sure he could take on a world of weight,
But I still miss the days he wore a cape.
See because you only get one master ball to capture,
Still unable to catch a politician who isn't a lying *******.
I am backed by deep words quoted by Mewtwo
Even in minds they create from scratch, they won't believe you.

The heartless can swallow your heart whole
Leaving your shell cold, walking as a nobody
Created as a somebody glitched through the system like Xion
When no one remembers your soul what planet would you be on
Fighting for a right like Seifer  versus Leon.
I am looking at a world frozen like Shiva's diamond dust
With Eve pumping through my veins,
Getting stronger, selling all the Adam in my clutch.


You will never find me, how I look no one knows
I'm a master of disguise with a Poppit full of clothes
I'm storing all that I know in my roots
Collecting memories like wumpa  and paopu fruits
Stealing loot from crooks like Captain Hook
As time tick-tocks, in time we are all late
So follow the white rabbit, this red pill won't wait.

Sally, dear, I'm glad you're here.
Do you remember Christmas town?
How silly, of course you do!
That magical tree I fell through,
Well Sally, last night I sat on Spiral Hill
As the wind sang beautiful chills,
Curiosity filled me right to my core,
I've often questioned, what do you suppose
Is behind all those other wonderous doors?

"Now wait, but Ja-"
"Please, Sally, we should have none of that
Imagine the lands, the towns, the sounds
And frankly, I know where I belong,
But in this town, I am still just a little bit bored."

I heard of a place where everyone would chase
Little men wearing green,
As strange as it seems, for reasons untold,
Each little man held a *** of gold.
Lock, Shock, and Barrel, while planning my peril,
Found a giant bunny they accidently stole
And although I offered no applause,
For the Hopper was no Sandy Claws,
I bet that basket of eggs plays a devious role.

And Sally there was one more...
In that circle of trees, one with a heart on the door,
With you, that one, I want to explore.
I've heard no rumors of it's contents
But we should see, together, what it has in store.

If I could dance with all the shadows
In the night, when humans don't stir
In the softest, darkest hallows,
Squinted eyes, all the lighting blurs
Through the seconds of time passing
In moments, slept by most
It's not funny, but I'm laughing
To this little world, I am a ghost

Down the streets, uncrowded
I walked bustling places at noon
But in this witching hour,
The earth can be the loneliest room.
In dim lit lights, I see myself
Through mirrors of stores closed
The most comfortable I ever felt
As the softest wind just blows.

If I could dance with all the shadows
They'd want me all for keeps
The darkness would slowly creep
Taking me to the darkest gallows
As if I was theirs for them to take
So run and run all the way home
To a place so very known
Until the world soon becomes awake

This is a safe place
Take off your face at the door,
Throw your shoes off on the mat,
Or better yet don't wear any at all.
Be as dressed or bare as you'd like.
I've got a couch for sitting,
I have a floor for sitting too.
Don't worry about expectation.
Your demons like to dance?
Mine have a house they're prancing through.

These streets aren't safe,
They're watching you through a scope
You're too overdressed for this place,
Too rugged to be offered a rope,
You aren't doing whatever they are
Exactly the way they are and they notice
Cracking a joke as they pass,
Someone else is cracking a joke about them.
Because validation is only made to satisfaction
At the expense of another body
I'm only as good as the reaction, right?

Fake smile painted like clowns at a losing circus.
Debt for the clothes but it's worth it.
I'm worth a proper penny but I lack the two cents
Of knowledge to not be a clone
No one is talking about life's stress
So it seems I'm alone.
A bar gutting me from my sides
Thinking I got this, I'm in control
But really I'm a foosball player
Just spinning along.

Words cut deep, I'm told
From that appearance, I'm holding hot steel
Against your throat made of pure gold.
Sinking into soft metals deep cuts,
Swift ****** and twist up to unjust
They must want to see themselves implode
While i blow off four bullets at once
Like Bayonetta, I bust guns from my heels.
The scrawny white guy with a case of the feels
But if you look into my eyes,
Behind the blinds, you'll see my mind
Spinning thoughts like a reel 2 reel.

I'm a professional at wordplay,
A mercenary looking to slay any hate
Like corn, I stalk, until I can pop up from the wait.
In vegetables, I'm non-gmo, every word homegrown
With organic tones that could never be cloned.
A smile like a crocodile, no gators,
Notice my behavior, look at my toothy grin,
Luring all the little fishes in.

Don't try to bludgeon me with bludgers
I'm a beater beating back every slugger,
While you waffle with a quaffle
Gluing my head on straight so it won't topple
In a brothel of a world,
Everyone seems to look for a temporary fix
I want to keep it a hundred fifty,
Shining golden like a snitch