I'm not a nobody or no one
But I'm not much a someone either.
You'd remember me at a mention
Yet forget me just as quick.
Saying my full name, rolling off your tongue,
Like an old sticker, still I don't stick.
When I'm needed, I'm convenient.
When I'm not, I simply fade.
It's ok, it's probably for the best that way.

I'm not a nobody like Emily
But I feel we would see eye to eye
She would be a nobody and I would be an I
If the public were all frogs,
Maybe I would be a fly?
We wouldn't be a pair, that's fair
But quiet, banish us? They still might.

I'm not much of a someone like you.
Not to say I wish I was.
I'd be too nervous to tell the truth
Trying to do the things a someone does.
While everyone knew how to be,
I left to leave, simply being a me.

Mercy me, Mercy see,
She's the one who wrote responsively
Mercy please, the company teased
So I'll **** you all at once, don't plea.

You made me a slave, Mercy.
I made you each a grave, perfectly
In straight lines like Madeline,
I dropped the shovel, time to get inside.
Don't play me like a puppet,
String me a long and tell me to love it
Miss Mercy, you made your decision,
Kindly get in position so I can tell you
Exactly where to shove it.

Mercy see,
You and all the others will never break me
I don't fight harder, I fight smarter
I earned respect and then you ask to barter.
Don't bother, in response to your letter,
Keep your policies, I can do better.

Sincerely,
Yours.

He throws a shot to clear his head
Full of clear liquid quickly fed
Down his throat to process the process-less
It burns his belly like fire flames
Churning up his spine and through his veins.
It lingers like paresthesia with purpose,
To some a gift but, to the frequent goer,
They say it curses.

He takes two more down,
Each time the glass makes an empty sound
As it hits the tabletop, his vision drops,
The blurs turn words slurred
Until it's loud talking but nothing heard.
Until it's no thoughts, nothing heard.
That's what he's searching.

About eight deep, he calls it a night.
His mind turned off all the lights.
Staggering to bed in drunken bliss,
No pain from a life path missed,
Nothing gained and nothing wished,
That's his last slur barely said
As he crashes into bed.

We don't dream like we used to
Of mansions built on ocean sides,
Of the house with a picket fence.
I keep dreaming only of a life without debt,
Wake up son, you aren't there yet.
Wake up kid, you aren't anything yet.

We don't write like we used to
Donate a million words to tell a sentence
In a time where pictures spoke less.
Miss, I don't know if you noticed
But the language lost its romance.
No one must have noticed since,
As I write or type, I go unnoticed
I guess that's why they call romantics hopeless

We don't live like we used to
I guess that's just changing tides
And although I've known no different,
I miss the older times

I wrote something I couldn't share
I put it in a special place
And hidden, let it die there,
Just like him, just like me.
That worst case scenario they'll never see
The darkest demons don't need light
To make you see their light of day,
So I took them from within me
Riped them out and locked them in a box
Without a single key and drowned them
In a pool the kids use to play.
Now all that's talked of there
Is an accident then conversation fades.

Like oysters reading words,
I could be a carpenter building herds
To come and read the writs I wrote
Until all eaten on a solemn note.

One day I gave a dollar to a man on the street
Who held a sign that read simply "help please"
He paid twenty-five cents for water to drink
Then chuckled and gave the change
To a kid passing by who looked bleak.

The child ran to the corner store
And bought two packs of double mint gum
One for himself and one for his chum
But rushed off in such a dash
He left his change with the cashier,
A whole twenty-five cents cash

The cashier used the change to help out a few
A dime for tax on a man passing through
A nickel short each for two ladies buying ice
And nine cents to a man riding past on his bike.
Then I, myself, went to that very store
Only to find I was one penny short
And wouldn't you know all was okay,
The cashier pulled the last cent and said
"Have a nice day."

I sit in a room with a pen and a pad,
Was called a failure by most,
I needed to show the potential I had.
The same people that turned into ghosts
Were the same who said they were glad
I never gave up, they were cheering me on. Thinking on my past, everyone was gone
No one wanted to see the levels I was thinking.
I'm sorry, I can never give up on dreaming.
If all this life is, is a nine to five,
I don't feel I am even alive.

You can work a soulless job, don't get me wrong,
Everybody needs some cash for food,
But working your life away seems wrong,
That concept isn't new.
They'll tell you life is all about money,
Material greed that keeps you running
Still the heart of your body wants something
Deep down you know the truth.

Your worth is only measured in printed paper
For someone to cut you down with later.
Week after week you get that paycheck
Still questioning if you have their respect,
Still questioning if you have self-respect.
Until the day, they need you, you don't need it.
However today, I sit with this pen
Digging deep for the inspiration
Not to quit.

I drove a Lincoln into the park
So I could bleed it out
Filling six chambers, this isn't roulette
Every shot is firing, I don't need the doubt.
You wouldn't like to see my perspective
Manipulating minds without even incepting
Repeating just for repetition,
Check the mission log, we were made to burn out.
Etching average into our blood since day one
Fighting for the chance to pick a different route.

This isn't social poetry, we don't socialize.
To see in my head, I need to perform a procedure
Then jeepers creepers, have new peepers.
Stopped following a preacher in every church
Each one had sins that outweighed my worth
Only to hold onto few, it's true, but for those I do
It's womb to tomb and birth to earth.
Who would take a shot for your being?
A nearly empty room fills the head
Of everyone who thought they had everyone
Still disillusioned, Courtney, get my gun!

Dead house felt like the realest thing I wrote
Only to still feel like I'm blowing smoke.
I judge myself harder than any critic
So if you want a pound of my flesh,
You're welcome to come and get it.

What if it all came crashing down?
A single blue-green marble hits the ground
No one notices at all.
What if you disappeared?
Packed up and moved clear out of here
No one notices at all.

It's okay. Pay attention to the change.
You can change a lot, it can change a lot,
To know that someone knows you exist
Take a good look on how strange it all looks
And everything you missed , staring at your shoes.
Even a stranger, you never knew, is a lot to lose.

Dance on crowded streets, with no music,
Keep the beat, playing in your head.
Worry about how others see you,
When you're gone and dead.
Give the world something odd to talk about,
Be something new people thought about.
On these cracked sidewalks that begin to look the same
Change the game, change the world.

What if it all came crashing down?
A single blue-green marble hits the ground
What if you disappeared?
Someone may notice you aren't around

Tell me about your god
All those miracles you saw and all about his peace
I come into an open discussion and people get disgusted
Because I don't see what they see
Please tell me then, how do rapists run free
They tell me the devil's in the details
So why does it feel like the devil is telling the tale
Throw an isolated quote at me, that's getting stale
I'm spiritual because I know my actions have matter
The ladder most people with strong religious convictions
Put themelves high above others, damming the victims,
And calling their own sins a story of fiction.
At least the cross I bear is mine with no indecision.

I've looked through a screen in a room and spoke with a man
Five Hail Mary's and an Our Father, now I am cleansed land.
Look down where I stand, tell me I'm saved.
Tell me how saved I am, yet I felt more enslaved.
Leaving the hopeless to feel like this is God's plan
You were suppose to beaten and cheated
It was written in those ancients sands.
Sifting you out and clipping your wings
But keep praying for what these past hardships bring
And don't forget to donate to a priest who lives like a king.

I mean no hate by ideals I've written in my head
Just remember, the double standards, haunt you in your bed
I've looked to a sea flowing into that unknown
I got in a small boat and parted it on my own
You won't take the might I've shown and say someone else is to blame
The same goes for the failures and mistakes
I take me for the all of me that I am
In the face of these demons, I never ran.

I can't say I have many friends,
So I glued faces to my ink pens.
They lend me words where people fall short
And sort these emotions to thoughts I've absorbed, see.
I've become rather smitten with comments that are written
Because while the pen is mightier than the sword
It's my teeth to my tongue I have bitten
So while my words remain sitting in front of my screen
I reread and delete them and make them more terrific for an audience to read.
Still I over think causing my thoughts to seep and the ink still bleeds.
But I'm getting ditracted, this is about my friends, the pens, not me.

Mr. Bic writes quick with his thoughts in a rush
And Sharpie goes deep but tends to make my words gush
Uniball  makes my mind think unclearly
as my hand runs across making words all smeary
Lastly, a rainbow gel pen who is such an old friend,
Her name was lost long ago.
They are flawed by their nature,
Still they remain the closest friends I know.

Even if I leave this demon on an island in the past
I feel like my mind will still be attached
They hit me with adrenaline pens in a panicked blur,
A fifteen minute relief pretending to work on a cure.
Looking through the eyes of a rabbit
Every harp string starts to hum
Staring over these oceans that begin to turn to ***
Try to convince me, by casting all these spells
But this water isn't fixing anything when they poison all the wells
They tell us to keep sailing, despite the brutal winds
As the sun is fading, the tide is setting in.

Look at me and say, "you're an inconvenience to us"
Like my soul is insignificant, blowing away like dust
My only privilege asked is that you let me breathe
In a room full of untrust, still they don't let me leave
My voice starts to wheeze, they don't listen.
I'm in a position to beg people to let me breathe.
My heart rate quickens, wishing I could just be freed,
A time bomb around my neck, no one holds the key.

I smile for today, the sun is shining, keeping storms at bay
Even if forcasted, Armageddon is on its way.
Don't expect the kids to sit inside, let them dance in puddles
You can't go along for the ride living in these bubbles
Avoidance is simple, but I'd rather take a chance with trouble
I'll smile all the while, until the day I meet my death
I'm in a position to beg people to let me breathe
But you won't hear me speak a plea until my dying breath

If pictures could speak
I've heard they'd say a thousand words
But if the language of them was foreign
Then, to me, it may sound all absurd
Yet, in the sound you could still feel
The tone at which they spoke
Softly serving as a memory
Of the places it did know

If pictures could speak
I would listen through the night
Laughing as the sun came up
Never sleeping but eyes creeping
More closed passing through a morning light.
I would listen to the faded laughter
Of times someone lived to say
Staring at the past, wasting time in present day

If pictures could speak
They may haunt the world I knew
But their secrets I would keep
In the cryptic art that someone drew
They'd never know I heard them
So silent, but still there
Always talking but never realizing anyone cared

If pictures could speak
I've heard they'd say a thousand words
But if the language of them was foreign
Then, to me, it may sound all absurd
Yet, in the sound you could still feel
The tone at which they spoke
Softly serving as a memory
Of the places it did know

If pictures could speak
I would listen through the night
Laughing as the sun came up
Never sleeping but eyes creeping
More closed passing through a morning light.
I would listen to the faded laughter
Of times someone lived to say
Staring at the past, wasting time in present day

If pictures could speak
They may haunt the world I knew
But their secrets I would keep
In the cryptic art that someone drew
They'd never know I heard them
So silent, but still there
Always talking but never realizing anyone cared

Ran through a pack of jackals
Then went into hiding here,
They want to know about life's shackles,
We all have those I fear.
Whether you can see them isn't clear,
But they still have you chained
Making sure you never sway lanes
And never making the chains rattle.

I'm saddled with guilt, carrying stress
Look at the paint, look at the mess.
Look at the child, look he's a man.
Keep running? Not sure if I can.
Pour on the water, all the colors ran.
Is it pretty? Is it a beautiful disaster?
Does it have the features I capture?

Would you hang me on your walls?
Say I was something you wanted to see,
Would you throw me away?
If I smiled, does that make it okay?

I'm always in a rush to work,
In such a rush to drive home,
In a rush to die to make famous my poems.
I'm raising a glass to silly victories
And the same glass to the same loss
Because either way it's my history
And I'm just like a bystander
Seeing the boat off.

I wonder if life is so fragile,
Why we are caught in a balance act?
Why do we smile so much to say it's fine,
Too embarrassed to admit we all cry?
Stuck in a generation of losers and debt
But ****** we try, I really do try.
I'm making amends with my demons,
Trying to keep my head on right
But sometimes I replay a kid
Saying I was an inconvience to life
And sometimes when awake in a real dark night,
I start to see those words shedding light.

Today, I took out the trash
Then compacted my remaining sentiments
Into one piece of poetry
I'm letting go of any resentment,
And tired of repenting for being me
Took off the shackles on my feet
And leaped out into the free world

Remember that one time,
driving down the same run down streets
When the sun shined through the sky
And in the heat of the moment, I believed this world was mine
Even in signs of omens, we tango on.
We dance on broken glass while singing off-key harmonies
We tango on, while the world laughs at such simplistic views
Tell me how much paper with a man's face means to you.
Still remember, mine are the ideals who are skewed.

You may have my trinkets. My home. My life.
But this name, will be mine to ***** and mine alone.

Start existing outside of yourself,
Take a breath until the stress melts
You can't change the world in a single rotation
But you can change someone's life today,
I get a lot of nodding in affirmation
But when the train comes, they still sit at the station.
I understand the comfort zone, the bubble,
The look the other way from trouble
Billions of super hero fans standing,
I'm writing in hopes of a vigilante.

Start loving the person you are,
Forget the money, the job, the constant distraction.
Remember the kid you were, in a blur,
Now an adult being, trapped with morals
A fraction of the child you think back on.
You're never too far gone to retrace steps
All the amazing things you once thought,
They never disappeared, you just left,
Wondering if you've come back yet.

Start being.
Whatever you are or aren't
Aspire for greatness in whatever,
Even if that greatness is smiling for a minute,
Be in that minute and make it real,
Live to feel happiness and sorrow
And continue that existence into tomorrow.
I'm not looking to preach or teach
I just miss seeing emotion as I walk down the street
With a face in a phone and text in a speech.

We all sell our soul,
We all sit with a price, you can deny it.
Try and hide it until the dice come to roll,
Shaking that hand, in the highest of highs,
You may notice that the opposing palm feels cold.
We all have crosses, three nails to keep hold.
Then pretend we have worth over another,
What did you feel was gold?

Did you take out six figures for education?
They said you'll find success,
Only to answer to another just like the rest.
Play a lottery daily, dreaming to make it big
While a government eats off your dollar
No wonder, Chihiro's parents turned to pigs.
Or maybe you sat behind a screen,
Writing like you hold the key
But really you're another pawn. Just like me.

They made money just to hold them up
They made money just to hold us down
If there isn't a hierarchy, why do some wear crowns?
Why do rich wage wars on recessive nights
And then point at the poor boy, "go fight"
Then make you a villain if you don't score.
By the time you catch a moment of that truth,
You realize it doesn't matter anymore.

I've had a cut in my brain for a while,
Put a bandage on it but words still leak out
Drew some scars on my side
So I've got some phantom pain now
I might be a spaz, working really fast
"I wish I had an ounce of your energy"
Once that wish was granted,
They might see that they can't stand it,
I can't sit still, I can't just chill.
Even when my body is in stasis,
My heart is racing, my mind is chasing
Like kids playing games in a school yard
Then I just runoff like a sentence
But I never get too...

Far from perfect but worth a second glance
Adrenaline pumping, I'm on my twenty something chance
I've been dancing with the devil
And I could swear I saw Goodie Proctor there
I put my pedal to the metal,
Hit a witch switch and blew off the witch's hat
Then jumped through the golden vase.
Getting jiggy in my own craft.

I'm glad I have today,
I would love to see tomorrow too
Every day is someone's last
I just hope it's not me, or you.

My father's been acting like a victim
So I thought I'd set the record clear
Giving an impression our mother
Made us steer clear of your path.
I was on a different poem
But I thought I'd help everyone else do the math.

We were told to spend time with you
But you spent ten years blowing me off
So when given the chance I blew you off,
Don't play innocent, I'm not wrong.
The first thing you found was a new wife,
The first thing you left was my life.
No one's manipulating me, Pinocchio,
The only puppet trying to play strings is you
If only you grew up like your nose,
Go back to the bar for some cheap hoes
Then enter my life once a year as your regret grows.

Hey let's play a game,
I bet your too busy to respond.
Visit my sister, I bet the response is the same.
Your little children are gone,
Ok here's the question I'm on.
How come I couldn't get your phone number for years?
How come I message you then left on "read"?
How come you never ask about me at all?
It's been 16 years and not a single call.
I bet you tried, I just wasn't important enough
Keep changing the story in your head
Play the victim until you're dead.

Sad to say you're a stranger to me
Don't you ever dare cast blame.
This is your bed, lie down
Lie the **** down.

These kids are like dragons
Their flames will only drag them down
All the talk is cheap,
Actions only happen on softened ground
As my mind and eyes get heavy
I've been swimming where reality and dreams meet
They say tragedy is dying in death but I don't believe,
Tragedy is never attempting to live, I don't believe
You should give only 30 percent of your mind
To find if the dreams you believe is something you can achieve
And the start only takes a start to begin.

I know what it's like to give it all and still never win
When your account is in red and car running fumes
Selling all of my things in these rooms
Just for the comfort of having a roof
But Ryan, what if it isn't enough and you lose?
I refuse, to put those thoughts in my mind.
You want all of those doubts?
Fine, what if I die of anaphylaxis  tomorrow
What if I don't have a breath to borrow
And I just turn blue.
What if this stress breaks me down
And I forget all the things that make me live
That's just as much true as all of the positive
So why do they scream all these nightmares on the news
But never show all the dreams pounding through

They want you divided, they want you weak
Push down the kid trying to speak
Tell him he's ignorant for having childish morals
Attack his grammar, leaving sides in a quarrel.
Forget the issue for fighting, they bring in their own issue for fighting.
In a rich man's war, it's all the poor biting
Until the world is bloodstained, we scatter from lightning.
Why isn't anyone asking why we are fighting?
These flames are only going to drag us down.

They didn't give you feet
To try to fit in shoes tied too tight
Looking at a blank page,
Only reading what others write.
This is your world, don't waste it
Trying to be something your not
We have enough flocks, beeping in unison robots.
Even as I write words I feel as generic as my past self

"Let me guess, Ryan, every person has potential?
It's easy to write the next poem using a stencil
Of the last fifteen years of your life, right?
Or maybe tell me about your father again
And block him from reading it like the chicken **** you are
No matter how many demons battled, you don't ever win.
Until you start to man up or even in these puddles you'll be a drowner"
But here I still stand a loner, lacking a fan base
Lacking a realistic view of life, still a closet I rarely face
"Another lost case, wearing that victimized millennial cap"
But I'm trying to fight a system while most these kids nap
I'm sick of defending myself to my mind, I'm furious
"Then maybe you should take more than writing serious"

They didn't give me this mind
To pull my skull into a head case
Look at this page full of ink drained
Stained only on what I'm writing
Turning my back on a world too wasted
With people faker than the flavors they're tasting
We have enough flocks, none I'm ready to flock to
Even as I write these words I feel as generic as my past self

"Hey Ryan, it's been a while
About two years by my count.
How's it going, how's world your growing?
You seem to be writing a bit more often,
Trying to write up a story that's rotten.
They don't believe in you, they don't need you.
Nobody would search if you fell off,
Nobody would be calling the dogs.
Burn up all your thoughts with one Molotov.
You're the most optimistic for all you knew,
The most pessimistic when it comes to you."

Do you blame me? You can see it too.
No one has to believe but myself.
Everytime i was put out on a shelf
I'm the one who let it happen,
Continue to write for sanity,
While they all laugh, until I can see who's laughing.
You want to try to hold the stress I'm handling?
We've been through a lot, you're tired too.
When I'm looking at me, I'm looking at you.

"Acting like a noble writer, you just want fortune"
I wouldn't mind it after carrying you, being tortured.
"Torture. That's funny,
you keep acting like everything's fine."
I smile to help others deal with their minds.
"No, you smile so they don't know you're dead inside."
Fine.

I did it, I wrote the best piece ever
Looking over the art my head made.

Rereading.
It's a very good poem of self-expression

Rereading.
I mean, the scheme is a little off
It sort of captures my essence.

Rereading.
It's average at its finest
I really don't like the style.

Rereading.
These words don't even fit me
They don't have meaning at all.

Rereading, deleting,
An empty page is all they saw.

It's amazing, I write with intensity
Waiting for people to read my words
Hoping they will understand the density.
They sleep on my mind
And the same grind that kept me awake at night
Is the same one that people don't bother to shed light.
This is the only way I know to express myself,
Keeping a semi - manic, lunatic head on shoulders
With belt around my neck to hide the stitches
Where I attached this Pandora box of a boulder
With twitching fingers tapping on ivory keys
To maybe pull these chains off my body with ease
Before they choke me again, almost feeling free.

You toss up your nose at those with outward demons
While keeping your own inside, imagine if people could see your innards.
Think about that, next time someone walks by with track lines
Begging for cash and think you're much better.
I got this job, I wear a tucked shirt and tie
But outside of that, I see little difference from you to I.
My own endorphins pump through my veins
Until I close my eyes from exhaustion, mentally drained.

It's amazing, I seldom talk with intensity
People laugh at the defenses I put up mentally.
I've got walls like China, you'll never get to me.
I'm smiling while thinking about my debt,
I'm laughing unsure if I'll ever make it.
I see why you sleep on me,
I sleep on me too.
If we've only talked in passing,
I'm, at best,  a stranger to you.
So hi, my name's Ryan
But you can call me the dream fisher too.

I smile when someone reads my work,
I drown in happiness with a "like"
A clever comment makes me smirk,
But what really fills me inside,
Is when someone sees my face
The one I hide behind my words
And simply relates.

I went to my room and sat regressing
My mind distressing, dissecting our conversation.
You said we need to end this as we got older
Thinking of anyone else on my shoulder. I can't.
I gave my heart, taken in your soul, locked away.
Standing in a state of shock as you talked,
As you walked me through everything you meant to me,
Forget that, everything I meant to you.

The part of all of this that really stands out,
The part, to this day, you don't believe
Is that as you were about to jump south,
I grabbed your hand and begged you not to leave
Selfishly, I saved you. Really you had saved me.
I'm sorry, you felt I held you back in restraint,
Only seeing in color as you gave me the paint,
Only to sit in stagnant waters as you waved.

We made goals in the present, remember?
Gifting me with a future, for better or worse
You were mine, I was yours.
Now here in this place alone in a curse
Of every memory we made, that burns
Happiness in a moment,
Sadness to be atoned with.

Still sitting here, my head aches in confusion,
The illusion of forever never felt fake.
You've got demons to fight
I just thought I was the sidearm you'd take
As the night's getting colder
My thirst for your presence leaves me awake,
So I did as you say, made lemonade
Yet the more that I drink,
The more parched my mouth stays.

Sometimes you find that needle in a haystack
Sometimes you find hay in a needle stack
We're all just trains speeding on tracks,
Looking straight ahead, never thinking about the crash
Screeching  to a halt, with a sore neck from the whiplash.
It's all in the plan, not yours, but the prewritten
As those cards come crashing, sitting up late,
contemplating the best plan to keep the water out,
Plugging ears to keep out the sounds of doubt
Still stuck at a crossroads without ever receiving a map

The fact is, you're in a life stuck in a trap,
Locked behind a desk, making little to give a lot back
They've got you hooked like an addict, digging in scraps,
Not achieving true potential, the mentality of worthless minimal
It's pitiful, the places you could be but aren't,
Rising stars burn out in a fast food smoke
In a way it's a joke, even these words become hidden
Within an invisibility clock, forgotten in a note.
To the point that even a poet who'd never know it
Got discouraged about his rhyme and unwrote it.

I'm running down the fields throwing needles in hay,
But today, the kids don't come out to play
Too busy aspiring not to aspire, lost in the desire
Of lazy days, stuck in a hazy maze,
Lost his metal cap and lost his way
Only educating the past educated, in a past already paved,
The rest enslaved by reality for lack of better analogy
Feeling the weight of an eighty hour minimum week salary

There's spiders crawling up my back
They walk beneath my skin
Following my veins as tracks
If I give in to the itch and scratch,
They'll only go deeper down it seems
In a whack-a-mole, I'll never win
There's no cut to end the scene
A T virus living within me
Too young for this vaccine.

There's a dagger digging in my side
Giving a twist every five minutes or so
As hard as I've tried, I can't remove it
For a few weeks then I guess it resides
I don't know if they can tell me
Why I always throw dice and end up
With such luck of drawing snake eyes
But they seem to be on the slither
Scaling quickly up and down my spine

There's a room that's been spinning a bit,
A headache for days that just won't quit,
I'm losing focus and maybe you noticed
But I'm trying hard not to throw a fit.
I'm anxious and truly I don't wish to mingle,
I'm twenty - six and I have the shingles
And my roof is leaking a bit.

Ryan drew a monster,
The monster murdered Johnny.
Ryan erased the entire scene in time
To let him hide the body.
Where the chalk lines outline
A crime they never found a sign
Or direction to get a lead.
The chalkboard had a crooked smile
Silently speaking of its feed.

Johnny said he drew a monster,
Once upon a time long ago
Said he spoke the words to me
But those are lies and we all know.
Had he seen the monsters he left
I bet he would've tamed those beasts,
Instead, in present, now they feast.

When my school closed, I was in 5th grade,
We all stood outside with balloons.
The older kids understood,
The younger ones just played
The principal made a speech to say
How wonderful this place had been
And the amazing things we'd do someday.

They played a couple songs through stereo
I can't remember which one's by name
But the ending, I do remember just the same
Each of us with a balloon, released that day.
But the story you didn't know was one I've never said
I untied my string, quickly, the balloon floated away.

I ran to the classroom, and cut it up
Thirteen pieces for thirteen classmates.
Waiting for everyone to come
But, wouldn't you know, no one came.
I kept my piece for many years
Throwing it out all but recently
My meaning was left at Saint Mary's
And none have heard that until today.

To everyone born to this world with nothing
No social code, allowed to risk it all with no bluffing
While others get bored being handed their every desire
I spent my childhood days building dirt empires
Dreaming of the molds I was not cut out of
When I'd sit down with fellow folks talking of my aspirations
Most just laughed, brushed me off like I had no chance
So I fueled my fire with life's frustrations
My life works may never something tangible
But if you read every chapter of me, your hands would overflow

This world doesn't seem to understand my twisting mind
But at least I never looked at my dining room,
Thinking it's a great place to hang a clothes line
I'm taking jabs at my past but never dwell in that hollow home
Past these child eyes how much of me do you really know
If you were me, if you had to be, disrespectfully  some say they'd **** themselves
Take that negativity and raise myself onto a higher shelf

I find my best inspiration in music and staring out at stars
one of my favorite pieces I ever wrote was just about passing cars
I'm scared that people are being cookie cut all the same
In a Stepford  manner more messed up than Gerald's  game
They hand you charts and define you in a statistic
Like they already threw you the ball but you missed it
I'm here to breath life into a deflated man's scene
Don't let these demons destroy your darkest dreams
Spark a light onto who you want to be
In a sea of fish, be the one swimming up stream

This is my sanctuary,
A blank page where I exist.
Where the waves can crash me down
Just to feel the water pound, perfect.
I've been thirsting but, don't drink.
Starving without something meaningful to sink
My teeth into and grip hold.
I'm an old soul stuck in this body I captured,
A sold soul stuck waiting for my rapture.
Don't look at me here, look at you.

If these walls are holding ghosts
At what point do I flow into them too?
At what point do they host my reflection
And in what direction am I wired to move?
Could I be the old grooves in the wood
Waiting for some simple symphony of motion,
The water dripping from the leaky faucet
Still dreaming of being an ocean?

Could I just be these simple bones?
Being pulled by an imaginary fate I trust
Until that reckoning to unknown,
From ash to ash, dust to dust.
This is my sanctuary,
A blank body where I exist.

"Save me" that what his sign said,
Did he want cash or a place to crash?
Maybe to talk and have a couple laughs
Makes no difference, another car,
Another car drove right past
Yelling hateful words like he deserves it
With sad eyes, you never wonder how your words hit.
He's already a failure in his eyes
You don't want to see through his eyes.

"Save me" he holds up a cardboard slate,
He's asking before it says "too late"
Don't mind the appearance, he's a good soul.
He fell down when the economy was low.
Threw his retirement to the fire,
Threw his body at drugs and alcohol.
Now he has no place to go.

"Save me" his sign is getting worn out
"Go get a job!" They shout him down.
The next time I turned the corner,
That old man was nowhere to be found.

When I was little, I would go to church each week
Sit in the pew and listen to a priest speak
He painted a picture like an artist
Describing a beach with hundreds of starfish
A boy was throwing them back in the ocean
When a man came and motioned
That the boy just couldn't save them all,
The boy replied he could save that one.
I've resonated with that story since I was small,
Something about the story seemed undone.

The man never helps the child,
Never offers to see his goal.
One child can save some starfish
But with some help, couldn't we save them all?
It just ends with a boy saving one
Like he's doing a good deed and I agree,
Yet no one still sees what that boy sees.

You're drowning in a week from now,
Can someone lend a leg to stand?
I hope they do, everyone needs a helping hand.
Inconvenience is only convenient for an excuse,
Pay no mind to a reward.
Let's throw every starfish back,
It can start with me and you.

If you spoke of me in terms of atoms,
I'd say I really didn't matter
Not a molecule of me really holds any mass,
And the weight of that thought gravitates
Until my being completely retracts.

Place your head on my chest,
Rest your eyes,
We don't need to see what's on the outside
I'd lay my head down on your shoulder
Light weight, that's how I feel you to I
But this boulder weighs way more on my own.
You struggle like I struggle, no magic answer
Just muggles muddling, I'm ninety-nine pieces
To a hundred piece puzzle, see?
But even if I found that piece,
I'd find a new one to not fit me.

I'm the fabric to a blanket no one could crochet,
No needles could thread these stitches
I'll always lay incomplete at the bottom of the bed.
Erasing the end of my words to remain unread
Wishing on stars that have already burned out
Hey dad, you proud?
Look how broken I turned out.
I'll always be lame that's what they said
Erasing the end of my words to remain...

Sometimes I talk to this mirror,
That man never talks back
So I turn my back on him so he knows
How it feels to be alone.
But if I'm only reflecting on my own reflection
Maybe I'm stuck having his connection.
Collecting my thoughts without judgement,
Packing up my subconscious like luggage,
Letting it disappear into that sunset.

I've been hunting for good mental health,
Tracking the prints before the snow did melt,
When spotted, I speared it and skinned it.
Now look at this beautiful pelt.
Hands drifting across it's skin
I developed a deep understanding
Of why killing mockingbirds is a sin.

They say we dream of a perfect soul,
I think we just dream of feeling whole.

Have you ever been so tired
That your mental state is on a high wire
In a twisted dance with your heart and your brain
Until they both fall back and everything's drained
Your eyes strain to fixate on a thought
Until you realize the very thing you conspired,
That you visually try to admire, isn't tangible
Until you stand to pull out above all
End up in a stall because the rhyme scheme seems too clean
So you write right from the heart, am I wrong?
But the mental flow won't let you go so you must carry on

While the world dances with stars in its head,
I'm looking at ***** of fire, millions of miles from my bed
When perspective gets dissected, a frog leg is still a frog leg
Or the lead led out of my lead pencil still leads a lead trail
Until I halt my hands a minute for my thoughts to catch where my mind leads
But never using a pen, because the ink just bleeds.
In the sea, I've seen people seem to just wash by,
I stop with a life boat asking around to see who needs to get dry.

If you play with fire, I'd say you might roast mallows  
In a dry wooded hollow, you may end up wallowing in flames
But where's the adventure when everything stays the same?
Until every comfort zone has never grown so much
People don't even say hi, barely let elbows brush
The rush is incredible and can be delicious at its core
To stick with the original metaphor
How else would you ever get a s'more?

The thoughts I jot are for my own being,
The ones I show are for you to know
You are not alone.
My brain feels like it's being pulled, in two.
The pain is dull but growing, emotionless.
My hair's a mess as always shown.
I'm not together, it's for the better,
Forward the letters, leave the keys.
I wish I was holding worth for someone to see.
The looking glass shows my real imagery.

If this is a standoff in my own,
Each side isn't bluffing
As the tumbleweeds go drifting by
We both have guns to be blown.
We say ten steps but only take five
Lying to ourselves to make the other die.
Then the dust settles to show nothing
Just a Russian roulette suicide
But the barrel was empty
Too much of a coward to really try.

Haven't you taken enough?
It will never be enough

If we stepped behind the beautiful curtains,
Behind the giant theater scene,
You might just see something real.
Evade the poker faces, looking into how people feel.
In my generation, where interest pops up like a notification
Searching for any sort of gratification, so they call us whiners.
That's fine, but you're missing the picture because you only see a screen.
I mean, we "laugh out loud" but stay straight faced
In an ever faster rat race, we stepped out of our place
Stuck searching for some real emotion,
Talking to a doctor who hands over some cure all potion
But it still isn't real, all the same, taking that blue pill.
Am I alone in actually saying how I feel?

In these games, I'm happy playing, I'm the hero
With no fear, conquering armies of evil.
Twin guns and blades, nothing safe from the raid
As I sit on a couch, in a button-mashing serenade.
I get why these people hide, how can I compare
To the digital remastered people they see on there,
Where miracles are a dime a dozen.
Look at me I'm breathing, to them it seems like nothing
But it means everything, they just stopped seeing
That the miracle they could be performing is actually just being.
Being everything you set out to be in a real life quest,
There's a billion people out there, there's isn't a you yet.

Don't let fear stop you from your dreams,
Even if that dream is just speaking out.
You may be blessed with a gift,
But that doesn't mean to stop achieving.
Life is fleeting while your stuck sleeping on devices
This is your life. It's beautiful.
Don't waste it.
You only get one, look in that mirror and face it.
It isn't as fat, ugly, or odd looking as you assume.
If you can't face your soul, you're doomed
But if your reading this there's still time,
This is a new chapter, this is the last one's last line.

Twenty seven club is coming up
I'd worry they'd take me out
But fame isn't looking to erupt.
I'm just the one who kept breathing fine,
Walked out of the hospital too many times,
Too many times.
What's the point, I'm searching for purpose
I'm looking for someone to say that I'm not worthless
Stuck pouring from a mangled mind.

I drink too much caffeine,
Keep wearing my skin so thin
They wonder where my bones have been.
Here's my thoughts I jot to sleep
Here's the beep that wakes when morning creeps.
****, my mind's a cloud in weightless air,
Floating up to know why I'm here.

They want a story, here's a life
Pull back my layers and read the chapters
The television pollutes the ones it captures
They asked where's the rapture?
Sir, we are our own rapture.
Look at the mess we left after.
Leave this mess for a generation after.

I went to use my voice as I awoke
But as the words were about to be spoke,
A hundred knives poked into my throat
Each syllable gave a jab and poke.
Quietly, I laid in bed, not speaking another note.

I went to my medicine cabinet
Grabbing a handful these and those,
The water on the stove is bubbling
To a cherry flavored packet of bovine bones.
Reading an article telling to drink the mixture,
Looking into the bowl, I whispered, "no"

My head is starting to pound,
Eyes starting to feel heavy and thick
Hearing only a heavy pulse for sound,
I think I'm starting to get sick.

"Table for one", he replies with a smile
The waitress sighs and leads him to a seat
He orders a soft drink, sipping slow to think.
An old man sits down at the bar while his ice cubes sink.
The man speaks about wisdom he hoped he knew
About a life that he just walked though,
How money made wealth but not riches
How he thinks back and just wishes,
Speaking to a lady in back doing the dishes.

His plate is brought out hot,
He sticks a fork into a bite
As a couple sits down to his right
They've only been dating for a week,
She speaks and he holds onto each word
He's nervous beneath the surface,
Sweating bullets but holds on with a smile,
She feels the same, pulse pounding all the while
The man takes another bite wondering
Where they would be a year from now.

He looks around to see,
A mother talking with a child about two feet tall
Why it's not ok to draw on the walls,
A woman on her phone who is lacking self-esteem
So she cries at night while she's alone,
A couple of men discussing sports
Getting too rowdy so the manager has to escort
Them out the door, he'd seen enough.
He pays his bill and heads for the door.

A moment of silence for all the poetry
I never show and let no one read,
The rejects that sit in my skull,
Too controversial so nobody knows
Too unfinished, too selfhated
Let's just face it, you would not have related.
But maybe in time that mindset will have faded.

A moment of silence for those in rehabilitation,
Working hard to make real changes.
That journey is an uphill battle and the part I play?
I give them pills keeping their minds to rattle
I might catch some friction but,
Most days I feel like I'm giving them a new addiction.
Shut up quick or big pharma will make me a work of fiction.

A moment of silence for anyone in it
Whatever it is, we don't have to say
Just keep your head on for the day
With all the spinning disarray, get through
And exist as you.

I stayed up late tonight,
last night too,
the day before that,
caffeine cranking my gears,
family making me see days through.
on the coldest nights, where I feared failure,
I looked to my right and always knew
I'd fight every battle with you.

I get stuck and erase parts, I felt wouldn't fit us well.
imagine all the lines deleted, the things I never tell.
the illuminated nothing that strangles at my soul,
it speaks to me in phrases yet I never let it be whole.
as I walk down this hallway, a hallway of five feet,
to a room I know contains the best thing I'll ever meet
Don't ask me which,
I couldn't choose, they each have me in a hold
so tightly I am wound, I would let all else go.

I'm a child for being lost in here
I'm a man for walking through the door
looking at most of you, I wonder what you are.

This is for the hill
I tried to learned to ride a bike on
But instead learned to skate
Where it evened out at the bottom
But I always hit the brake too late.
For the neighbor that let his dogs loose
To come at me and give chase,
You made me fear dogs as a kid,
Learning to fear people in present day.
For the tree I was too afraid climb
After we moved from that place,
They took it away
Then changed the street name
If nothing ever changed,
nothing would change.

This is for the basement apartment
Where I learned nothing gold could stay
While I slept, the mold would grow
Eating through the things I did know.
Looking up from where I lay
Knowing I'd be somewhere better someday.
For my mother who gave solid ground,
My sister who bought me surround sound
So I turned that **** so loud
That it shook the walls of the house
Making my thoughts just drown
Shouting the words while no one was around.

This is for the days where I felt real low,
This is for the side I only show
In the words of my thoughts
Hoping someone saw, not feeling alone.
For the days I work towards my dreams,
Where inspiration screams from my pores
And I'm sure of my future,
Pouring from a pen.
Listen I know my destiny, I give what's left of me
To a passion so pure, this can't be imagination.

Pack up the tree before Christmas
I won't need it this year, that's clear.
No tidings, no big wishes,
Santa isn't coming or Saint Nicholas.
Watch a virtual fireplace to escape
The silence, crackling fake firewood.
I couldn't hear sleigh bells,
Milk and cookies, they aren't laid out
Carolers caroling please just stay out.

I won't be home this Christmas,
I don't know what home is right now,
So how am I suppose to decorate with holly,
Play that part and feel all jolly,
Push the feelings down, wear this smile around
Listening to the cheery sounds
But I'm not feeling cheery now.

I'm not stalling, you get it from the words I've shown
This Christmas, I'll spend alone

Sometimes,
Sometimes I just don't know
Buried my hands in my face,
Breathing in a rhythmic flow.
Kicking my heels to go home
But Kansas was a place i did not go.
Can't speak without defensive joke.
You've been looking at a personality
But in reality, you've just seen smoke
Don't choke on the vapor or you'll vaporize
The main disguise I hide behind.
Behind the eyes that calmly sigh
My mind is cranking into overdrive.

I look into a mirror in a life-filled light.
Hair a tangled mess,
running fingers through it as I write.
if I pulled the stress through dead skin cells,
I'd bald tonight.
I've got scars upon thars like Sneeches
So Mr. Mcbean I'm looking for help
I'll pay a penny to remove the roofing defects.
If I seem to be speaking a bit crazy,
You must not have read the pretext.

If you had read me like a book
And shook the cover loose
I wonder what chapter I'm on with you.
Surely, every book had begun
I've got you rising in suspense
But while I know, I'd never tell,
The surprise at the end.