i crave naivety.
i wish i was as oblivious as the others

i don't want to know how it feels
to crave the end.
but i do.
that's my secret-
part of me died that day,
but the rest of me lived.

you are a prisoner
and everything beautiful
is missing.
everything is insanity

There are holes in my hands
from clenching my fists so tight
I'm feeling the non-stop misery
The memories haunt me every night

I've been defaced
I am a vandalized brick wall
Once full of beauty,
now I'm nothing at all

You took me in,
made me feel safe
Now I can't even be alone
without seeing your face

I can feel your hands
wrapping around my heart
These memories of you
are tearing me apart

This process is a long one
It's grueling, painful, and rough
Don't you realize what happened
has made my life impossibly tough?

When I'm in the shower
surrounded by white tile
I can feel your hands, see your face
And my throat burns with bile

I'm not allowed to tell
I can't talk about how I feel
Because it's your secret, too
But silence never helped anyone heal

Terrified, hyperventilating
Hands won't stop shaking
Light-headed, sobbing
My whole world is quaking

There's no way out
Because what happened was real
I have to share our secret
Because silence never helped anyone heal

Darkness preys on those
who have already succumbed to
the shadows.

Remember:
Darkness cannot conquer light
and light will always defeat
the dark.

So the only way out
is to
Shine.

sometimes i wonder
if this life is the one
we weren't meant to live.

if this is the one
where everything went wrong;
the mismatched alternate universe.

sometimes i wonder
if the life made for us
is lost forever

I am a guitar string
I sing, I dance and hum, I instill ecstatic joy in others
I move people and bring them to tears
but eventually all that becomes too much
and

i break

All I wanted to do
was **** myself.

so I drowned myself
in you.

it's weird that stars are such a big part of my life.
the sun is a star, but i feel like we all forget about that.
we like to fantasize that stars are faraway and soft and twinkling.
we make pretty constellations and dream of stories in the sky.
i did it all too, but now i know the truth about stars.
the sun isn't soft and twinkling-
it is unapologetically bright.
that is who i will be one day.

I'm having these changing feelings
I don't know where I stand
That smile stops my heart;
It diminishes my steady hands

You have me under this spell
Like no other I have seen
It confuses me like crazy
And makes me feel unclean

My brain says it is wrong,
My heart says it is fine
You have me wanting nothing more
Than for you to be mine

Your endless love is inspiring
I just want to be you
But I can only try
From such a distant view

My whole life I've been raised
To be a different way
But everytime I see you
I have no words to say

But I will have plenty
Of words from here on out
Because you're gone forever
Gone, without a doubt.

i didn't intend
to forget
the inspiration
that you brought up
inside of me.

but it seems
somewhere along the road
i did.

I see jet streams in the sky and
I'm reminded of what we could have been

Running away
all life spent, running
waiting for you to beg me to stay

running brings a sweat
shin splints, calf cramps
but it helps me to forget

I don't want to remember
my warm, safe bed
because memories of you haunt me forever

the smacking of feet
the breathing surrounding me
but this air starts to feel like concrete

because no matter how far I run
I simply cannot escape
because I'll love you forever, and then some.

i reached
all the way until i could trust you.
i didn't have a need
to reach,
but i started to get into our story.
i got close
and then
i was
g  o  n  e

stains on my heart
from profanity

blasphemy or
obscene language
or actions that took place
intangibly

actions that leave me
panicky
this insanity equals
pure calamity

but isn't that
formally called
bedlamity?

i've been fighting for so long
i'm so tired of singing this same old song.

"i'm fine, i swear"
i say to people who don't even care.

waiting by my phone for a single friend to text
but it's fine, they usually just forget.

i've been alone before,
it was something i was always able to afford

but now?
i don't know how to live
when i have so much left to give
and the people around me
don't care whether i'm free
from my burdens because
a burden that is mine
could never hurt them
... right?

i'm empty and my friends don't care
but its fine, i swear

Turning, turning, turning the handle

Hoping, begging, praying Jack won't escape the box

Turning, turning, turning the handle!

Hoping, begging, praying this fear is only in my thoughts

TURNING, TURNING, CLICKITY-CLACK

WATCH OUT! MOVE AWAY! GET FAR, FAR BACK!

T U R N I N G , T U R N I N G


..............false alarm
Turning, turning, this is tiring my arm
Turning, turning, clickity-clack
Don't worry, this has happened before,
It can't possibly be ja

What if I just
..
Kept
Driving

he was looking at me now.
really looking
and he could see an adventure
i love adventures.
i want them, i love them.
... but maybe you aren't like that.

i wasn't looking back,
for fear I'd make
a happy ending less likely.
i waited
all the way until he'd
closed his eyes
for me to safely open mine.

I loved your green eyes.
I loved your laugh and lips.
I loved your hair and nose.
I loved your hands and your feet.
I loved what you thought were flaws.
I loved every single bit of you through and through.

But there came a point when it wasn't all love.
It was no longer butterflies.
It was lies.
It was insults that were funny at first but I began believing them.
It was insecurity.
It was mistakes and crying and peer pressure.

I became so confused.
I didn't know where to draw the line between the good and bad.
The love and hate.
I never meant to lead you on because I believed the love as much as you.

But you didn't see the pain I felt.
You didn't feel it until I walked away.
The pain you feel when I leave?
That is the pain I feel internally when I am hurt by you.

I can't trust anyone anymore.
Because I trusted you and look where I am.

But the love is not gone.
I can't forget it.
I'm not heartless or using you.
I cannot let go of the good feelings you showed me.

I can't quit loving your green eyes.
I can't quit loving your laugh and lips.
I can't quit loving your hair and nose.
I can't quit loving your hands and feet.
I can't quit loving your flaws.

But I can't love the pain.
And that is what is keeping us apart. And I'm sorry.

the creaking of pews in a church.
a quiet place,
perfect for the creeping
of those age old memories
into my mind.

creaking, creeping,
never
ending

when i finally thought i was strong
my body stiffened at a touch
shortness of breath
fluttering heartbeat
eyes   w  i  d  e
p a n i c.

and then?
a kiss on the back of my head
and i realized
in those arms, i was safe.

The memories we hide
Deep in our minds
Buried beneath time

They form us to be
Who everyone else sees
They're what make me, me

We don't remember them
We can't recall them
We can't see them

They are buried so deep
But in our personalities they peak

something in me knew
something terrible
was avoiding me;
pushing me aside

what's going to happen?

i had to laugh.
there was something sweet about laughing.
****** into a rising blush
i realized
that i was being touched by
a wave of skin-tingling exhilaration.
a wave of
clarification.

the terrible something
has passed.