And I wandered
on
and on
and on
until I came
to a place
that seemed to fill me
a city that you loved
in your life
a city that meant something
to you
and it made me think of you
and I whispered
that I loved you
into the skyline.

You can break me down
to what I am
at my very core
and I guarantee
you will find
nothing.
because every day
that passed without you
tore a little piece from me
and now I'm left alone
standing in the rain
and I don't know where to go.

there's no day
isolation
makes me feel at home
there's
isolation
in my breath
and I can't hear it
because chains are around her
chains are keeping me down.

Everybody now!
Don't let me brainwash you
Don't let me brainwash you
Don't let me brainwash you
Don't let me brainwash you
Don't let me brainwash you
Don't let me brainwash you
Don't let them brainwa-sh you
You can let them be you
You can let them be you and live inside your skin
your wallet
your house
your cellphone
inside your
opinion
your death
your casket
your hate
Hate gays
Hate blacks
Hate countries
no wait
don't hate them
they're alright now
we can appreciate the ideas
oh wait
no
that's not right
don't like them, now
LOOKDOWNATYOURLAP
NOWBACKUP
LETMESEEYOUREYES, SOLDIER
DON'TSHOOTYET
and (so on) and (so forth)
c'mon, party people!

don't touch me
I don't want to feel you anymore
don't
come near me
I'm not your
boy toy
I'm not your plaything
I'm not
no
sit down
sit the **** down
I'm not going to hurt you
just
listen
please
I just want to talk
I just wanted to say goodbye
I just
please

ᴵ ᶰᵉᵛᵉʳ ᵍᵒᵗ ᵗᵒ ˢᵃʸ ᵍᵒᵒᵈᵇʸᵉ⋅

if you sliced my throat and turned
me uʍop ǝpısdn
would
my fear
pour out
in liquid?

if I was a light switch
would you leave me on
to always feel this way
to always feel as if I do not matter
because the sun is wandering and that is leaving me alone
with nothing but windchill to keep my company
and that is okay
I am okay with that
because it means
I can get closer
to the rain.

Shake me to my core
because buildings cannot withstand this earthquake
and I won't fight it
anymore.
The cigarette filters on the second floors don't fight me
anymore. (Oh, how I would love to be the cigarette between your lips!) Because
I have given up
on cleaning myself up
because I am lost.

Why does everything on a train seem to belong in an English soap opera?

don't
don't make me
don't make me pull the trigger
don't I don't want to please
I'm just
I'm scared
please
my hands are shaking
can't you see my han-
DON'T MAKE ME PULL THE TRIGGER, I SAID
don't please don't move
don't make this hard
just stay still please
you're all insects tonight.

Hey, Sara
do you remember me? I'm
the neighbor kid
from 2006
we were kids
and reading from ***** books
you found in your moms dresser
and you let
me try your
cream soda
at 2 PM
and your parents were at work
and I was so happy
I kissed you.

I am in that mood
where all I want
is to hold someone
and stroke their hair
and tell them
they will be all right
everything will be
all right
with time.

**** ME
god
I cannot stand
these
hea/rtbreaks
and people who
^% ****
these bits
of me
littered with
fallen &^&*
puncuation

we have words we shared
and now
I cannot think
of coffee
or of mysteries
without you popping up between my eyes.

can i fall in love
with someones words?

Don't make me go home
don't
please
I'm scared
I'm so scared
what if she's mad
what if she hates me
don't make me go home
I
I tried
I'm sorry
I tried so hard
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
Don't ******* home
I want
to ride
the train

Today
I said my last goodbyes. Today I
pronounced you dead.
Today
I told you I loved you.
Today I left you alone. I told you to
come back
when you wanted to.
but I want you now.
I want you now.
Come home.
You don't have to say.
Just let me say goodbye, before I go.
Before I go.
Please.

We sat down together, and she began to ask questions.
"Age, age is a funny thing, is it not?"
"Ah, yes. My lover, my mental cannibal, she is 18. Or was. I think she's dead."
"Keep going, friend."
"About what?"
"The thing that eats your mind away. I have one too. Did she wither away?"

I shift in my chair, uneasy. The pit of my stomach begins to ache.

"She disappeared. She was sick, you see, and one day, she simply disappeared. Oh, I didn't give up there, I try to contact her to this very day. It's the not knowing that eats at my skull."
"What part eats at you, her absence or her presence elsewhere?"
"Her absence."
"Do you speak?"
"Love is too cruel to want to have it again. We used Skype."
"Ah, real person."
"As real as I am."
"That's a statement too profound to mean anything and to meaningful to not mean anything at all."
"In the end, I'm only as real as I want to be - which is to say, a ghost, nothing more and nothing less."
"Everything is nothing. Projection. What did you talk about? Did she love you too?"
"We talked about everything. The universe and life and love and ***. I like to think that she loved me."
"What was she sick with?"
"I don't remember. But she was so beautiful, as she coughed and hacked and still smiled when she saw me."
"Did she name you Goat?"
"No. I named myself that, because I eat everything until I am left alone in a pile of my own filth."
"Is she still there? Do you still hear her?"
"I hear her voice, her laugh, everywhere. I miss her. Every part. I miss it when I did something stupid and she laughed. I miss her eyes when she read one of my poems. I miss hearing her sing out on the stairs. I miss her wild hair."
"Pain- write about that, write about relief."
"The only relief for me is death, and I'm not that desperate yet."
"Ah, desperate to end this suffering? Write about death and write about love and life and addiction and form and state and *** and senses."
"It feels like so much longer than it has been. Everything moment is a lifetime. In fact, it must've been. It's inhumane, this suffering."
"I think you mean too human."
"Perhaps."

is there anything
that separates me
from a common disease
because all we do
is infect
and ****.

I am curtained behind a small stage
humming slowly in bright red colors
into a microphone
that is held not by my own hand
but by that of her
and the crowd stands slowly
their hands coming together
in a crescendo
of applause
to say that I should go on
let me sing more
and they never have to see me
I can be your favorite idol
but don't look at me
no, please don't, don't look at me
just listen to my voice
luring you into the dark
so I can touch you once more
and you never have to know my name
just listen to my voice
low against your ear
with sultry vibrations
to alert you
to those behind you
so you will fight for me
until you return
and I will wait.

how can you expect me to talk you down from a ledge when I'm the one on it?

There is a fine line between obsession and love
and suffocating myself
with a pillow will not solidify that.

pierce my soul
with the heavens help
and no one will cry for me
any longer
they're all gone now, she said
as if it mattered
as if they could save me
when all I wanted
all I need
is someone to cry for me
for its such a lovely day
and I can't help but grieve the loss of you
because you were all I knew
you were all I wanted
and now I know nothing
I am blind in a world of grey
and I prefer it this way.

there is a certain beauty in death
in suicide
in the full throttle
pushed to the limit
until I
crashed into the tree
and with a snap
a match is gone.

I am giving up on you
because you don't seem to care
you don't act like I'm here
and I run faster
because its muggy
and cold outside
and I can't even tell you
that i love you anymore
if you won't read it
if you won't tell me
you love me anymore.

I opened up
my laptop
to send you a message
to say I'm sorry
make sure you were still gone
and I realized
there's nothing left to say.
You're gone.

Have you been
sleeping in my bed
Have you been
sleeping in my bed
because I found
the traces
of your skin
the traces of your skin
Have you been sleeping in my head
because I found
the traces of your thoughts
trailing through my skull
with a warrant for my sanity
crushing my soul
with a warrant for my sanity
on a one man police force
trying to stop me
from breaking through your skin
and injecting myself
an IV of pain and amphetamine
muscle relaxers and a single tiny
white pill
to break through your thoughts
and find my place
to settle down
and sleep.

Bang your head against the keyboard until the fear fades.

in little shattered
bits of future
with cards and ash and radium
all spread around my brain
I wrap my fingers around your bone
to tug it away
from my heart
which you have been clinging to
for far too long
and I cast off
the phosphorous light
that have ignited my lungs
and filled my fists
with a rage
rivaled only
by the dragons
in stories my mother would read to me
until I fell asleep
clinging to a razorblade.

teeth
a trail of teeth
leading into a bedroom
where a ghost awaits
your arrival
upon this horrible
rock
just
nothing but
an infant
nothing but a filthy infant
that can't hurt anyone
if we say we hate feeling useless
why do we still live

sun
has never meant
much to her
she's always found solace
in the ash of the clouds
like the ash
between her teeth
and she surveys the wreckage
of what once mattered
and doesn't anymore
because she stopped caring
and this
has come
from the hell
we endure
for just
one more kiss
these clouds
and the sunburn that can still come from between them
and she's always wanted to see the zoo in winter
and he promised she would
and he never took her
and now he's gone
into the ash
leaving nothing
but a whisper
behind to tell her
"remember."

think for a moment, dear
about all the birthdays
of all the good people on the earth.

now think for a moment,
about all the birthdays of all the bad people on the earth

and notice
the former
is much higher
than the latter

and realize
the earth
is not a good place yet.

There is always something
Peaceful
In the water
As I drop down, down
My voice soft
asking jellyfish the time
On my way down
Murky green silt
And rusty docks
And fishing vessels
All alone
Til I've hit the bottom
And there's no where to go
But to face my demons
Cause they sink like stones.

Don't make me miss you
it's not fair
if you
won't miss me
because I am just something to throw away.

Once
upon a time
a little girl had a dream
that she was fading
losing
falling
and she hated it
and grew to have a
hatred
for ghosts
just like you
just like you
just like a star
something
quick
here and gone
in a flash
of purple light
and red fog
something to remember
but never to speak of
to hunt my ghosts
to hunt them down
and drown them
in smoke and white walls
something to hunt
nothing human
the deepest parts
buried beneath
a thousand
falling
shoes
and a basketball jersey
something hated
like someone I used to know
and then
with another flash
a streak across the sky
and the flick
of a lighter
like silver dripped on a wet page
like ghosts
in the mist
of a sad park
          with a sad man
                      and a very sad girl
because they have ghosts
haunting their heads
with a whisper
and a forgotten tear.

I want to sail away from here
Into a mist
so thick
and so fragrant
I could swear
I could touch it
and it would be solid
in an island
in the middle of the Atlantic
in a bathtub
nothing too big, dear
I swear, just one more hit, go back to bed
something as solid
something new
something real
I need something real
to touch
to hold
something
someone
I swear, I'm losing it
I thought I woke up
from this nightmare of human existence
what kind of a God
could possibly hurt me like this
I want to sail away from here
in a little boat
somewhere far away
somewhere that doesn't matter
I swear I'm losing it
there can't be anything good in here
No, there can't I'm so lost
there can't be
this can't work right
why can't I talk?
No, I need something
to right
I need something to matter to me
I need an island
something solitary
I just need
a fog
let me have my fog

He stood at the gates
with a shot glass in his hand
and the tears of his wife
falling from his hands
and he left everything he had
at home
with coughing
in his lungs
cholrine
and bleach
and the scent of hospitals
and death
and desire
and he can't fight it
he can't fight anymore
her faceless lies and her weak
eyes
beating at her lungs
and he
leaves
it all behind
pushing through the gates
to find
something to live for.

Is it okay
if sometimes
I can't tell the difference between
you and me
the places that separated us
have gone and disappeared
and now when you're gone
I am too
and I can't take anymore of this
I hear drums in the background
and it must be a sonata
waiting for me to conduct it
a pulsing rhythm
In and out
like the swell of a crowd
with the sweat intermingling
and I can't tell
who you are
you're just a circle
nothing but a circle
something fluid like the water
dripping from my shirtsleeves
in the dark
in the dark with no blue moon anymore
you took my blue moon
when you left
and you can stay away
because I can't handle this
I just can't
I can't live
with this solitude
So someone come along
and free me
from the mental

**** this all to hell.
Ignore the screeching
from my machines
and the clack of his cold
steel boots
on a marble floor
because we don't need them anymore
we can survive on our own
on this barren planet
with our own rose bushes
and thorns
to end it.

Don't you dare leave him here
Don't you dare
Don't you dare leave him here
She felt as if he wasn't even there
wasn't listening
was lost in an abyss
as if he didn't matter
as if he didn't care
and I told you to be there
but this world can't understand
the whispers of my breaking mind
shattering under the pressure
of the sea
When I crack
when I break
don't cry
listen to my voice
saying
"I wasn't okay!"
and each time I bring my fever to my lips and inhale
and let out a steady stream of blue smoke
I feel
inhibition
slipping away
in the rain
and if I run into the river
without help
let the thunder
stroke my ego
until I feel
important
again.

I fear the dark
because it has been my escape
and not my salvation
and your brown hair could mop a ballroom
but right now
all I want
is to feel
your skin
is that so bad
is it so bad to hope
that someone understands?

It's 3:01 and
I don't know what I'm doing
What am I doing
You seem to have
disappeared
off the face of the planet
and there's indents
on my mattress
from your body
and my sheets still smell of your sweat
and it makes me burn
with matches
everything
that could have connected me to you
because you're gone now
you keep GOING
and I keep staying here
I should move with you
save us the heartache, dear
and I smash the radio
because it makes me cry
playing songs that remind me
of mattresses
my sheets are blue
and faded
and you smell of goodness and light
and dear god
you're just an image
on a screen
tearing
my
heart
out.

For I am weary
and grimy
and ridden with holes and
I cannot seem to calm
my mind
Enough to sleep
With thoughts of you
And
Thoughts of them
And the sweet smell of tea
With thoughts
Like animals
Chasing round my head
Filled with
Images
Of my mother crying
Because I had lost
My life
Once again.

we're almost home
I can taste it
the fumes and the fire and the rags soaked with gasoline
and I can hear the streetlight hum
burning the ghost of a last cigarette
and I can hear the coffee
plink
plop
in your coffeepot
a far-off howl
and a mother lost her son
with the needle
and thread
and the system is gone
and I solve my problems like a monster would
with matches
but these scissors
feel heavy
and I dissected my brain
found what left of my sanity
and I ate it with a scowl
burning bright into the day
and the philosophies of ages past
wise men
and a single lunatic
breaking me
softly crashing animals into my head
and I bit at the fist
and frothed at the mouth
the other day
and it croaked at me
scorching my brain
eating at my health
I fear I am losing my mind, lover
I cannot remember the last time I cried
or that I ate
all I feel is a mechanical
clickclack
like I am clockwork
and I don't know how to feed
this need
inside me
I hurt my head today
a soft noise
No matter
I smell oranges
as I lose myself
in my work
and I stitch up the seams
the acrid taste of a cigarette on my teeth
a layer of smoke and wind
and this mask smells like I imagine she would
and that ends it
and I couldn't move on
paralyzed with a shrug
and my mouth tastes of kerosene
my mouth tastes of kerosene
my mouth tastes of kerosene
the blood in my house
surrounding the bricks in my mouth
breaking through the store
and I ache
and my stomach is sick
and my mouth
oh, god
what have I done
I ate her sanity
and I broke his back
with the symbol
of red
my only regret
you must think I'm mad
but no!
I am better than that
a ghost
long gone
leaving
only kerosene
in my wake
rock the back
with the squeal of tires
I must escape
Thunk!
of a heart dying beneath my floorboards
drying slowly
like a bubbly sea
amid a soft drink
there is a cafe down the street
and I think may
order some coffee
two scoops of sugar
two tablespoons of milk
why is my coffee red
why is my coffee red
why is my coffee red?
why is my coffee red
what i have done
cannot be forgiven, lover
wash it off in the sink
my god
they see me
they see me
****
they see me
I regret
nothing
everything
I am nothing
I had a friend over today
to show how normal I am
that i am okay
and I am alive
and we spoke
we drank wine, we ate a fine meal
It was a party
and soon i came to realize
they knew!
He knew! He saw the blood
and I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed my hand
and why are they still ******
and he found out
he mocked me
sat there in a chair
and pretended it was all normal
until I ached
and burned
and soon
oh, god
what have I done now
his sanity
it's gone
i ate it
He is sad now
I see him
and he is sad
I taste his tears
they taste of salt and crackers
and I knelt
and I sat down
and finished my meal
would a lunatic do that? Would he finish his dinner with his guest?
No, lover.
No, lover.
The voices returned today.
They told me I was worthless
perhaps they are right
and perhaps
there is a bridge not far from here.
Could the water wash away the blood?
yes.
Yes, lover,
it could.