I don't drink.
But when I do, I can't remember.
I lose myself...
But I thought that was the objective.
I thought the point was to feel like someone else.
I always do.

I don't drink,
But when I do, I think of you.
I lose myself...
In the idea of us, in the memory of you
I thought the liquor would make me forget you
But it never does.

I don't drink,
But when I do,
I lose myself...
And it takes a while to find me again
But then just as I find me,
I always drink again.

But my soul does
She calls for you and I ignore her
I tell her to shut the **** up
And sometimes she screams it so loud that I have to lock her away
Because I can't stand to hear it
And I can't bear to believe it...

One single word
One individual thought
One run-on sentence
One simple sigh
One delicate touch
One dark feeling
One fragile moment
One broken memory
One piece of my soul
One fragment of my being...

I could finally feel whole.

I guess I'm supposed to fall in love right?
I'm supposed to feel butterflies and laughter?
I'm supposed to post wedding dresses on pintrist
And instantly delete my tinder...
I'm supposed to wait for his text by the minute
And wish on a star that I see him soon
I heard that girls when they're in love fantasize
About what he may look like as her groom.
I heard that women write in diaries about men
Scribble love poems and play Taylor Swift
I guess I'm supposed to do these things when I feel something special
I think I'm supposed to value his love as a gift.
Sure, why not.
Give me love and I'll show you what it's really for
It's a tool that men use on women
To keep them knocking on their door.
It's disgusting and it makes me sick
They really are all the same
And if you think for one second that he gives a **** about you
Then you've already fallen for his game.

I'm finally free from your torture
Released from your emotional roller coaster
Your emotional chains that restrained me
Yet you had no idea you had done it
You don't know what it was like...

Every second was an ache
Every breath I had was for you
Every piece of me needed you
I survived off of the idea of you
Yet you were nowhere within miles
Every song on the radio teased me
I always thought you may be thinking of me
You don't know what it was like...

Literally every fiber in my being called your name
Every street sign, every dream..
It was unbearable. It was unfathomable.

All I wanted was to escape but I didn't know how
All I wanted was you, but I didn't really want you
I just wanted you to love me
The way you promised you would
The way I imagined it could be
The way I had always read about as a little girl
The way they showed me it should be in the movies
The way you swore it could be...

And even though I forgave you, I still craved you
In this way...
For the longest time
What felt like years in your restraints
I wasted so much time wrapped up in you.
You were impossible to get over

But I can't explain just how good it feels to have my mind back
To feel my soul again
With the freedom to love
How great it feels to own my life back!

I imagined us. Over and over I saw us.
It was real. It was you. You were real.
...I imagined us

The way we could be. The way we deserve to be.
Free. In love. Happy. It was real. We were real.
...I imagined us.

In a home someplace. Making love and raising babies. Holding hands. Living simple. It was a dream. It was perfect. You would have loved it.
...I imagined us.

He offered her the world
But she said she only desired his heart
He paused for a moment in complete silence
As he did not know where to start...

I tripped down an endless rabbit hole
Some might say I was swallowed
I fell down, down and tumbled around
Until I forgot the land of tomorrow.

I met Alice and she was darling
We sipped tea and spoke of rhymes
Trying to decode the words of the Hatter
Searching for where the rabbit lost his time.

We danced on the shore of day and night
Followed paths until they were swept away
And when we were tired and had enough
We snuck into court and extended our stay.

Alice and I, oh how we fell
Off the earth and into an abyss
Absorbed by each other, forgetting our troubles
Spending each remaining day in complete bliss.

It used to hurt... Letting go...
But I guess I've become numb to it,
When u say goodbye to love so much
You kind of just get used to it.
I can't let myself keep taking the hit
For another runaway love
I allow myself the day to cry,
Then the next day to adjust.
I'll drown myself intentionally
In the sadness of my thoughts
For one day I am depressed,
So the next I may move on.
Time may heal the sadness
But my mind must endure the torture
I see us and our memories
Playing over and over.
In my dreams when I'm sleeping
I see us in a fantasy world
Where you stay in love with me forever
And I get to be your girl.
A life we may never live fully,
So I'll just have to make do
But I must admit I'm a little upset
For falling so deeply in love with you.
You caught me off guard with your piercing eyes
And with that look that you gave me,
I had never felt so naked in public
As you stared right through me.
Little by little you stole my heart
With every deliberate move you made,
I so quickly embraced you,
Not thinking about being afraid.
I tried not to think of the end,
I hoped there wouldn't be one
Even though realistically I knew
I would eventually lose someone.
Truth is I hoped it wouldn't be you
I was kind of thinking we had a chance
Was I wrong to risk it all
And fall in love at first glance..?

I was young and I was hurt
Somehow you swept me off my feet
There was something about your golden eyes
And the way you wanted me

I was infatuated with you
I feel in love too deep
To the point where I was below the tide
Without you I couldn't breathe

Then one day I was hurt again
By yet another lover
But this time was different than before
Because this time I didn't recover

This time it broke my spirit
And this time changed my perception towards love
This time your apologies and promises
Would never be enough

I tried to move past it
Believe me, I wanted to move on
But something about you still in my life
Felt so desperately wrong

Your love for me has grown
And you are a better man today
But despite all of your new found qualities
Those memories and that hurt still remain

You take my hand and all you ask
Is that I try to love you in return
But I can't bring myself to agree
To say 'I love you' nearly burns

This aching in my heart
Causes a throbbing in my head
I contemplate and argue with myself
I want to live with you, but you make me feel dead

My body is living, I am here
Trying to feel things I did once
Fighting with myself against these
Demons that replaced my love

I don't know if this is a battle
Worth fighting anymore
I've been trying to push you away
But you stay and I don't know what for

I say things and I hurt you
Like cannons in a war
But you continue to stand there
And you lay down your sword

You try to get closer to me
You ignore these land mines I lay down
All of my tactics and all of my walls
Do not prevent you from gaining ground

And in a sense I hate myself
For allowing you to stay
Knowing how much I hurt you
And letting you live this way

You haven't said one word to me
But truth is, you don't need to
I know I'm not the only one between us that's suffering
If you're reading this, then I know that's true.

I know I'm not the only one between us
That wonders what the other is up to
And when life get hard and nights get lonely
I know I'm not the only one who wishes I was with you.

I can't be the last one standing at the end of all this
Who is the only one feeling this pain
And if by chance you're reading this tonight
Well then now you know I feel the same.

I know you think you're doing me a favor
By staying away and never calling
I know you think I hate you and I'm angry
But truthfully, I just wish I could hear you say you're sorry.

I know you go about your days the same
And that I often cross your mind
The only reason why I know that's so true
Is because I can feel you thinking of me when your on mine.

It's crazy, I know. It sounds insane
But I know I just can't be the only one
I know I play it off like I'm fine every day
But really, I know neither one of us have moved on.

**** it, if you weren't so stupid
I could have stayed right there with you
I would be with you right now, wrapped in your arms
Instead of writing these poems like I always do.

I bet you wonder if you’re in it
Is there a mention of all your monsters?
There might be.
But then again,
Maybe that one poem you thought was about you
Wasn’t about you.
Maybe you’ve actually faded from my memory and become irrelevant.
But that’s your deepest fear, isn’t it?
Not of what you’ll read about yourself
But what you may not find

The one who did very little & the one who did it all
Had one thing in common
The girl who made each feel like he was not enough

The best part about love is that it's unique to every individual. Mine is different than yours and that's what makes it special.

There is no standard and there is no normal. If I make myself vulnerable to you that means that I love you. I love you enough to trust you. My devotion to you rests in your hands. Stay loyal to me and I will remain faithful to you.

The best part about love is that I feel it with you.  I continue to learn what love means to me as I continue being loved by you.

There's a fire between us,
I can see you through the flames
And you can see me too,
But we stay our separate ways.
I see the same fire when I look in your eyes
And I feel it's overbearing heat,
I know you would throw me in it if you had the chance,
I hear it in your thoughts as you stand before me.
This fire used to burn for other reasons,
But now only exists to feed your soul,
The same flames that we once shared to keep warm,
Will now be yours to keep you whole.
You choose to house this inferno,
That incinerates the memories, the good and the bad
But I can't help but wonder what will become of you
When the fire has done its part, and all that's left is ash.

He lived by 'Can't Stop, Won't Stop'
I caught on and adopted
And when I started I couldn't stop
I wouldn't stop it

I've run from you too many times to count
But I have never escaped
Because you are always in my heart
and that is a place I cannot break free from.

She spent every day under the cypress tree
Listening to the ocean in all its glory
The people passing in all their hurry
The birds singing in all their harmony

She spent every day beside the ocean
Wondering why she feels so broken
Wishing she could remain there, frozen
Silently wasting away, regretting the paths that she had chosen

She spent hours upon hours with her feet dangling off the cliff
Convincing herself that if she fell she would never be missed
Believing happiness was just a jump away, a dive into the mist
Hours until sunset then she was inclined to resist

Tomorrow is just the same, I shall watch her debate
Watching her from a distance, implicitly afraid
Admiring the same soul that she chooses to hate
I watch her and I wait, day after day.

I was a doll to you
Collecting dust on your shelf
Sitting pretty all day, watching you
Smiling. Happy to be yours.

I was just a trophy
An item you collected and were proud to win
Amongst your other gold medals I stood
I felt like an important milestone in your life
Until the moment I started to feel like just another piece of plastic

It's all in writing now
It's all been revealed
There's nowhere to hide now
My lips are no longer sealed.
It's too late to beg for my silence
I can't take it back
You can't twist the story anymore
Only read and recall the facts.

Who the **** do you think you are?
Running through towns playing games with broken hearts?
Lying your way into a women's soul,
Finding her weaknesses and playing a fake role.
Taking what you can and seeking out more,
Pretending to be a man you knew she'd adore!
Apologies and deep words that have no filling,
Empty nouns and meaningless verbs that you never intended on doing!
It must be true that you really can't feel,
Because if you could then you would've known that my feelings were real..
Or maybe you don't care, and so you do as you please,
Thinking you just can't feel would be easier to believe...
Easier to digest than thinking you never gave a **** about me
God I'm so sick and so stupid I wish I could just puke and forget everything!

What do you want from me?
I don't know what you're trying to prove
That you're some charming guy from the coast on the east
Or that you can make me fall in love with you?
The things you say and the way you move
I know it's intentional and you look out for you
This friendship that we have now I know it won't last
I want to start over with you while you try to pick up from the past
I should probably walk away while I still can
After all, what do I expect? You are just a man
I want to trust your words and see the good in you
But all I see is past brokenness that I've been dragged through
Putting this all into words shows me a girl who is nothing but jaded
You don't want to get to know me now, the girl you knew before has faded.

382 days and counting
Since I've last seen you
Not a day has gone by since then
That I don't incredibly miss you
Hardly a single breath of fresh air has been
Inhaled without even the slightest hint of you
And all I seem to do is drink more without you

382 days checked off the calendar but I still keep waiting
Anticipating for the morning I wake up when I'm no longer waiting
Waiting to let go or the day I stop wasting
Wasting these days away, erasing the images I keep repainting
Beautiful mural images all over my mind and I can't  stop retracing
Remembering all of our bitter night endings
are better than this empty bed that I'm facing

382 days have passed and I'm trying to let go
Clenching my fists toward my stomach and taking a blow
Pulling my hair out from the roots just to watch it regrow
Smiling in front of the world and screaming into my pillow
Going crazy and wishing I could go back to 382 days ago.

They agreed they weren't looking for love
He was new here and she is finally single
Each at a point in their life
Where they just want to have fun and mingle.

Conversations grew deeper and days passed fast
He started to hold her hand
Nothing was established at this time
But she started to see him as more than a friend.

Intimacy grew between them quick
They formed a bond and she held on to him tight
He could see that her feelings were strong for him so he said to her
"You know we're just friends right"?

Her heart was crushed and she felt so used
But she held back those lonesome tears
They drifted apart from one another after that
But reconnected again after several years.

Warm welcomes and friendly smiles
He said he'd like to catch up more soon
She agreed and he was eager to suggest
The following day around noon

Hours were spent once again together
And they caught up on old and new
She would laugh and he would smile
He said "Wow, do you know that I've missed you"?

Intimacy between them once again arose
They loved each other under the sheets all night
Until one day she could sense he wanted more
So she said "You know we're just friends, right"?

Your kisses
Are all over my brain
I think of them and I think of you
Suddenly, I can think straight

I think of your hands
How they caress me and embrace me
They force me to do things that I love to do
That I know you love too
They don't let go
And I never want you to

...I'm coming over.

So little does the outside world see
Of the girl that I know to be me
Of the girl who seems perfect in every way
Who appears so flawless and in such array

So little does the outside person know
That I too fight demons that do not show
That I do see myself in the mirror and want to cry
Because the girl I see is not who you see outside
The girl that I see is messy and lost
She struggles with self image whether you believe that or not
She chooses actions carefully although they seem so effortless
Her insecure comments and remarks are heard as cleverness
Although her love runs deep, his love will always run shallow
And he toys with her emotions because she is young and she is callow

But so little does the outside world know of her soul
Because as she appears is not the story at all.

We're all a little lost, aren't we?
Does anyone have it figured out?
We all take different paths and scrape our knees
One way or another, we all face doubt..

The road ahead may be covered with fog
But to cease progression would be the real loss
Falling is only half of the battle
Getting up to move forward is the cause.

The greatest strength I have
is what I built
after you destroyed everything.

I became my own knight in shining armor.

He was a shadow, slick and empty
Full of greed and disparity
I push him away but he was drawn to my purity
A complex chemistry,
He and I
He devoured me and I felt alive
I searched for his love for all my life
And yet only did I find,
Simply a Devil trapped inside.

Would you meet me with your worst confessions
Tomorrow before sunrise
I'll tell you all of my secrets there
Like the other girls do with the guys they like
The place that tourists of our town go for beauty
Is the place us tragic, dreaming teens descend
The moments when we find ourselves most lost -
Would you meet me at Lands End

He told me he was greedy
I told him to take all of me.

I saw a video yesterday
It made me fall to my knees
Watching the sky scrapers fall to the ground
Listening to the scattered high pitched screams
Women and men falling from stories
Women and men hoping for life
Children and siblings clasping their hands together
Hoping their loved ones will survive.
Don't forget the air they breathed
Don't forget their names
Each year we come together to remember
The tragedy we all shared that frightful day.

For someone who never wanted me
You sure don't seem to want to let me go.
Let me go.
I wanted you for so long and never could have you.
I had you only to wake up and realize I never really had you.
Let me go.
I'm not asking. I'm telling you. Whether you let me go or not, I'm gone.

Happy Birthday from Earth
Can you hear me up there?
This was the day we'd live like we couldn't die
Like we weren't going anywhere
You're not here to experience another year
I can't say Happy Birthday without a river of sorrow
Having you would be a day to celebrate
But without you, it's just another sad tomorrow.

She fell.
    And she fell.
            And she fell

And each time she fell, it became harder and harder to stand back up.
But somehow she did. Each time.

And then one day she was carried.

She was lifted off the ground and was no longer in pain.
She was no longer worried about healing.
She saw new lights and could touch the clouds.
She felt love growing and it did not burn.

It was not jealous or boastful.
It was not envious or overbearing.
It was pure.
It was modest.
It was better than a gift because it was a seed. She had to make it something special and it was not instant gratification.
And she didn't realize this at first. But she has realized it now since the last time she fell and that is all that matters now.

You fantasized about her
She was the lion that you could not control
She was the bright fire in the distance
That you craved to behold

You wanted nothing and nobody above her
You extended your dark hands in her direction
You charmed her and tricked her
But I'm sure you have since learned your lesson

You desired to cage natures beauty
You stripped her voice and bound her ankles
You danced & raved "You're mine. You belong to me"!
Then you placed her in shackles

Little did you know then,
As you beat her and starved her hunger
That she was the strongest of the pack
A natural born hunter

You caged a lioness
But don't you know you can't cage a soul?
She may have appeared as a weak one for a while
But you had never caged another like her before

Careless and shallow you were
You beat her until she broke
But all you did was bring out the killer in her
She broke through your chains and sliced your throat.

Sometimes the deepest secrets are told when they think nobody is listening.

A picture may be worth a thousand words
But I'll tell you what,
You learn a lot more about a persons character through their words.

Little black bird,
I was once you
I died inside myself and hung in the shadows
There was nothing on this earth lonelier than I was
Just as you write

I was once you
I saw a slight glimmer on earth and that was only a puddle beneath my feet from my tears falling off my face
I saw humanity but nothing worth saving
I felt nothing and screamed inside all day long until it was time to finally rest for a few hours
I answered questions doubtfully and walked alone

I was once you
Silence understood me better than anyone could ever begin to
Darkness was my best friend
Love was my enemy
Family was a foreign concept
The sidewalk knew me better than I wanted to admit
My diary stared me back in the face and mocked me
The mirror couldn't stand me
My eyes were always hazy
And music was my savior

The realm in which I lived was heavy
Every day was an ongoing battle of depression and it was never ending
Life was a sick joke and happiness did not exist. Ever.

Because I was once you,
I know that you are great.
I know how beautiful you really are inside
Beneath the destruction,
In the place where nobody else knows where to find
Someplace you have not yet discovered

Trust me little black bird,
You may be small but you are not overlooked.
You may feel weak
But you are stronger than you realize.

Her bare feet were tougher than her soul
They ran through the woods all day
Snapping twigs, relentlessly killing the life below.
Little bare feet that raced each other through these halls
She grew older and she grew wiser
Gaining strength from every fall.
Little girl, now not so little
Chasing new little feet
Through the house and out the door
Adapting to this new wild beat.

Little wolf, let me tell you something. The world is an imperfect place. It is violent and cruel. You will not learn from me and my lessons, little wolf, you will learn from your own. And I could shelter you and smother you, and yet you will still learn the worst of the world.

You will love and you will be loved. You will run and you will collapse. You will hurt and others will follow you because of your bright light. That same light will attract others who want to put out your flame. But I tell you now, little wolf, they cannot. They cannot burry your soul and quit your howl. The moon will always be yours and you will always be the symbol of love and strength

I'm not lonely because I am alone,
I'm lonely because I have these feelings that I can't share. I can't trust anybody enough to let them into my head. I'm lonely because I hurt alone. Because I suffer alone.
I'm lonely because I hide when I cry. Because I grew up learning how pain is such a weakness. How nobody wants to see it. How nobody cares enough to help.
I'm lonely because I searched for love for so long and only found hate. I wanted love but found emptiness. I wanted to feel loved but only felt used.
I'm lonely because I was raised alone. And now they want to love me, but I'm left with loneliness that lingers.

Tonight I discovered something.
After all the time I spent putting my pieces back together that your lies had so effortlessly thrown around...
I realized that you couldn't be honest with me
Because you couldn't be honest with yourself.
And that's a big deal.
Because for a long time you were the closest thing to Truth that I thought I had.
You were the closest thing to feeling whole that I had ever found.
And when it was over you had me lost for days.
I lost my mind and I lost myself.
But now that I've put all of my pieces back together
I can clearly see that it was you who were the lost one.