I send you this apology because
I see no point.
We both think we're in the right..
And I just
see no point.
So I'll be the first to say I'm sorry.
Winning this fight isn't worth losing you.

He used to live in the corners and creases of my life
The corners of my smile
when I fell asleep at night
He lived in the dusty sign that said, “Stop Shop”
Down the hill on the corner of second and Knox
He stayed alive in the phone that I dropped
when we found an empty fountain
and sat on top.
But we died on cold pavement
the next fall.
So now he lives in the songs that I deleted
and demons I’ve defeated
In the holes of worn out shoes
that are of no good use
The letters are no longer written to his name
and for once
I have nothing more to say.

Before you go,
i want to cry on your shoulder again
I want your smell to soak onto my skin
and flow through my veins.
Your voice to echo
so that it can echo behind my closed eyes.

In a storm of rage
In the middle of who's right and who's wrong
The white on my dress was tainted by red..
My favorite pink flowers now dying in my fist
Thrown in the air in your direction
But instead of releasing the anger, the bubblegum petals only
brought me back
We met at a birthday party as kids
I remember now.
You would smile at me from across the room..
while a plethora of balloons surrounded us.
The candle flames on the cake reflected in your empty eyes
as you handed me a vase of bubblegum colored flowers
That was the beginning of the end wasn't it?
Now look at us.

I think sometimes you're watching
Laughing at the jokes that I think to myself
And sighing as I make
questionable decisions
I think you find this amusing.
I think you know I'll be alright....
And if not, I'll see you someday soon

From the way his eyes collected her details
and his feet followed her footprints
it was easy to see that he loved her.
And he waltzed through her dreams and into
her bloodstream like some sick medicine
curing what she didn't even know was sick.

It's all fun until you can't
sleep.
And you have to watch your back before you
speak.
The lying gets old...
And adrenaline cold.
Like ice in your veins.
It's all fun and games
Until you've gone insane.

Have you ever felt them?
As you close your eyes and their lips meet yours?
And you're weightless.
Or have you gone looking in the wrong places
and the wrong times...
Only to feel a staleness and nausea
Like drinking old soda

You are all so fragile
In more ways than one
Made of glass and glued pieces.
I'm unable speak certain words or
in certain tones...
And I am a stone
Watching my every move
Careful not to break you guys
I am a stone in a glass world
So heavy the burden
of staying strong

I saw life through his eyes,
people through his eyes.
Red.Grey.And.All.******.Up.
This sent flashes of fear though my pulse but
not without curiosity.
And as the years passed, these visions no longer rattled my bones,
Blood soaked dreams rather enticed me.
The fear in my veins turned to adrenaline
seeping onto the surface, much like sea water soaks the coast
during a storm leading a Tsunami.
It became apparent to me only when
it was far too late;
That the only monster I had to fear
Was **myself.

Little boy your head is too big for your body
Your eyes too big for your stomach
you bite off more than you can chew
Little boy your head is In the clouds
....but one day you're bound to come down.
And when you wake up, your feet will be firmly on the ground.
And let me tell you, it really does hurt.

If you knew me then,
do you know me now?
Can't you tell that I need help?
I did then,
I do now.

For a while, life was like having a fever in the summer.
And as much as I tried to understand, I couldn't.
As much as I tried to get past the haze around my heart
I could not feel a **** thing except the guilt of not feeling a **** thing.
There you were with your past all crumbled into a space where nobody could see.
There you were with eyes that have seen more than they should.
There you were smiling like nothing was wrong
Looking at you was like looking at the sky and realizing that it's not that bad.
And every time I look at you, I feel something.
I feel
Here you are and I can't even begin to explain how much you mean to me.

I don't miss you
I repeat over and over to myself as my hands are trembling behind my wet blurry eyes
He was boring
I tell them as I iron my face to show indifference
I pop these pills hoping I can at least dream you here
I don't rely on you
I don't know when you're coming back
I don't think you're ever coming back.
I ask myself why I stay wrapped around you suffocating you blue untl you see stars and my eyes become the moon
I don't.........
       I don't know.

I get it, You can't get close to me
You're only trying to protect me
But I don't mind it
I won't hide it though
I'll just love you more..
Oh God I love you.
And when you need me
I'm never far

Your eyes were an abyss,
a black hole that I could never understand.
But at that last minute, the last time you told me  "goodbye"
I had fallen and lost myself in that abyss.
Inside comatose and insomnia I wish for you.
In a sweet fever I call your name.. to get silence in return.
I wander through life with a numbness only awakened with hints of you.
In strangers I see parts of you,
a voice
a walk
certain features.
I find comfort in those strangers.
But they're never you.
And I remain in this abyss.

I stole the moon from the sky
And I hid it in my room
Hoped that you'd stop by ...
said you'd be here soon.
So I waited all morning
Paced all afternoon.
Cried all night,
And talked to the moon.
He told me that you loved me,
That you'd be here soon.
You showed up in the morning.
And put the stars around my finger.
No longer did I wonder
No longer did I cry.
I know now,
You're forever mine.

In the isolation of your car gliding on the freeway
and a dark sky,
I sat shotgun wearing the least clothing possible
and got goose bumps from
cool leather against my skin.
But nothing scraped my bones as much as your kiss on my lips.
Exhilaration pumped through our veins.
We drove to Mexico
to be caught in a Rain storm
We spent stacks of cash  
And kept each other warm.

Why is it...
That all my nightmares are about you?
Age means nothing when I have to be the adult.
Why is it..
That I can't ask for help? ..Because it might worry you?
Mom, can't you ever have enough?
Is money the only thing that gets through to you?
I've said it in a drunken slur, I say it when I'm sober;
"I pity you."

When we're together
the world
Is spinning through jello
the leaves on trees
are hazy bits
of confetti in the wind.
The silence between us is thick.. and soothing
as we
glide along the summer pavement.
His scent fills my lungs like a sedative...
His scent..it makes me feel like
I'm in love again...
Like I could love again.

I don't think my neurotic heart was meant for love
only for the function of pumping blood through veins
Maybe if it could just hold still....
I would be okay.

Do you believe in soulmates?
I do.
I just don't believe that I have one
My soul is too jagged at the edges
I have a chameleon soul that drips water colors onto white canvas.
What soul can get close enough without
wounds or stains?
Sorry to the ones who tried.
I really am.

I want to ask you why you hate me
When I loved you so.
I want you to remember the day we
decided to let go
Maybe you'll remember the way we
Cried all the way home.

Money was so sweet
in the haze of his youth
and now that his face has creased
relatives have moved
These glass windows are the only way out
He shut his mouth
and watched
as he got closer to the ground.

I thought about you as I took a hit,
and eyed the spot where you’d always sit.  
I caught myself hating life
once, or twice, a few times
and I probably would have cried
if I wasn't so high.
I woke up this morning with dust in my eyes
and the lamp still on from last night.
The days are merged lately and I’m just floating.
I’ve been so lazy and I think it’s showing.
With you gone and all,
there’s this empty space
sorta like last fall
and the Halloween you couldn’t make.  
But it kicks in and my eyes are dry
and the taste reminds me of summertime
when I caught myself in love
once or twice, a few times
but shrugged and blamed it on our lazy eyes.

Why do you say your sweet little words?
Do you do it to make me smile?
Of course not.
You think it's the right thing to do.
And when I roll my eyes, I look like the *******.
Don't paint me these pretty pictures just to make yourself look
better.
Don't say these things because they're the right thing to say.
Show me who you really are.

I want to write about the needle pins you poke on my spine
When I try, however.
I'm distracted by the parrot on my shoulder
bickering the sadness away.
He's a ******* parrot who's words mean nothing.
With a time bomb of a friendship.
He listens to the words that escape my mouth like smoke under a door and questions everything I do (as if he actually cares.)
I'll miss the parrot on my shoulder....
I forgot how life was without him.

**** that whole "nobody is perfect"
We're all perfect to somebody.
We just might never know to whom........

I had to..I didn't want to
I had to.
They convulsed in unison.
They pleaded
..I had to stare back into
those forlorn eyes
And see the images that
choke them at night
You left me winded .
Shaking and empty
as my lungs kept trying to grip thin air.
And my knees went weak.
**I'm Sorry.

The inside of my mouth is definitely scarred
Why are my teeth so **** sharp?
The ties between us have been stretched too far,
they're beginning to tear.
I don't know where you are,
and frankly I don't care.
Why is my tongue so **** sharp?

I'm so used to the taste, so used to the smell.
The regret and washing it down.
I ask of you please, don't blame yourself....
I'm sick and too weak to ask for help.

I find it a bit intrusive how you talk to me in my sleep
simply to hear the secrets I keep.