i wonder if anyone would miss me if i left

I’m standing at 29th and park
wrapped up in someone else arms
only a month we’ve been apart
trying to be happier since you

he takes me out to all the bars
I avoid the places we called ours
I’m smiling but inside I’m torn apart
I’m not happier since you

my heart feels heavy again
i don’t know if i can carry it alone again
i don’t think i want to carry it alone again

i’ll just carry it alone again.

empty bottles everywhere
awkward glances and longing stares
you’ve caught my eye, i can’t look away
makes me want to know your name


but i carry on sipping my drink
and try to dance with the music in sync
desperately trying to look cool
and pretending I haven’t noticed you

everything hurts
my head, my heart, my lungs
because everything i thought,
everything i felt,
every breath i took,
started with you.

and somehow, it still ends with you.

i used to sit on the staircase and listen to the fighting, the yelling, the blaming

i used to pray that they could find happiness

so when they decided, i said to myself that it’s better this way

but suddenly my whole life was packed in boxes and i had two rooms in two different houses with two parents who fell out of love

i don’t know if what i felt for you was love,

but it doesn’t really matter anymore.

you didn’t feel it,

so i’ll pretend i didn’t either.

i woke up alone and not next to you
last night i said we were through

been months since i saw you that night in june
I’ve been trying not to miss you

we haven’t spoke since i went away
that night there was so much i didnt say
why wont you ever be the first one to break?
i pick up the phone, and type your name everyday

im in my bed
instead of yours
and theres no one to blame except your heart not feeling the same

all the things that you said
it felt like you meant
so i packed all my bags, took my broken heart back and i left

we’re not who we used to be
we’re not who we used to be
you just stole my heart and left me here empty
and im trying to remember what it felt like when you loved me

will i ever find out who i am?
or am i just a hologram?
an experiment in simulation

its hard to despise your reflection
when you refuse to accept less than perfection
and when you wake up everyday feeling as if you have failed.

its hard to fight against your body for control
as melancholy takes over your soul
as you slowly lose your mind.

i can still feel the electricity inflicted by your touch
i can still taste all your lies on my lips
but we were not meant to be.
and all i can think about is

are you finally happy?

velvet rose sunsets
in between the sheets
me and you and our cassettes  
cruising in the front seats

Anxiety and Depression
they form a lethal combination.

you’re  scared but also tired,
feeling to much but also feeling numb.

fearful of failure but lacking motivation,
wanting to be alone but afraid to be lonley.

you're at a constant battle with your Mind.

you exist in every corner of my mind
and they say that love will make you blind,
but with you i see trichromatic
every second makes me more erratic.

tell me you don’t think of me,
you know my all my idiosyncrasies.
just let go and take my hand?
you are my only wonderland.

why can we never listen to our own advice?
is it because it isn't true?
or is it because we realize we aren't worthy.

and somehow i fell
but it wasn’t all at once.
it was slow and painful and beautiful,
and every time i closed my eyes i saw You.

i'm fragile,
you're cruel,
when i started to unravel
you labelled me minuscule.

i am restricted to this box,
terrified of what people may think.
my throat, my stomach, everything's in knots,
and i am heaving on the brink.

lately i don’t feel okay,
my feelings by my smile betrayed.
inside i am crumpling,
lonliness overbearing.

i feel like im trapped inside,
i need something to free my mind,
craving the bottle cyanide,
i need help.

i begged you to stay,
but you walked away,
sapphire skies turn ash grey,
now everything’s in disarray.

tinged blue and green,
chaotic and mysterious,
to think they would glance at me,
i would be delirious.

it’s scary because when they leave,
you don’t just lose them
you irrevocably lose a piece of yourself.

you become hollow and insecure,
and somehow, you blame yourself,
for loving to fiercely.

i crave it,
i endlessly fantasize,
but im a hypocrite,
my heart would abscise.

don’t say those three words,
don’t tell me.
im too afraid,
it’s just a hyperbole.

You flash your green eyes,
and make me fall,
a smile to hypnotize,
as comes nightfall.

but its repetition yet again,
her name's on a loop.
i try and try to abstain,
but out comes the truth

i know i could show you,
your smile could be pure,
from the sadness a breakthrough,
a new meaning for those three words.

i realized today
i might be inlove with You
a wave of disarray
i don’t know what to do.

i was blue but You wanted red,
i felt it in everything You left unsaid.
You said You loved my icy glow,
but You prefer her rosy manifesto.
you can me let go, you can rebuff,
i understand i’m not good enough.

with every click of Their tongues,
i am acquiescent.
Their words fill my lungs,
audible discontent.

i swallow Their disgust,
mostly misinterpreted,
i nonchalantly combust,
now i am free.

distorted view,
piece of glass,
i am society’s lower class.

i say goodnight to you,
amidst the dark blue,
isolated and ivory.

i wish you were concrete
you have no heartbeat
at least you cannot hurt me

you cut the same lines
piercing deeper each time
a master villain, a verbal crime.

your eyes sparkle
your voice sings
your smell lingers
your words sting

you laugh like a kid
you are always polite
you compliment me
it always leads to a fight

you’re perfect, to my dismay
but that doesn’t stop me

i probe until i find something,
an excuse to walk away.

hits like a thunderbolt,
creeps through your veins,
a psychopathic frenzy,
my insubordinate brain.

without a warning,
without a reason,
it’s a catalyst for heartbreak,
emotional bleeding

a cry for help
muffled by the tears
turmoil and fear
deteriorating upstairs.

i think in colours
i only hear your voice
would i be yellow,
if it was your choice?

do you see me?
do you know my name?
my idiosyncracry
it’s making me deranged

if i was a instrument
would you play me?
it’s detriment
and ambivalency

you are strong
and i am weak,
i want to belong,
to your mystique

sometimes i wonder
if you ever wonder about me

she walks around with her head down low,
avoiding all the eyes,
its as if she doesn’t know,
she hasn’t realized.

that she’s the reason he's okay,
the reason that he tries,
she thinks she’s just a castaway,
but she gives him butterflies.

to him, she smells like sunshine,
she’s so beautiful, she glows
he wishes she would realize,
but she’ll never know.

i have so much to say to you,
and i want to see you again,
but you said that we are through,
you said we can’t be friends.

now i lay awake through the night,
and i am thinking of you again,
wishing you would hold me tight,
struggling to forget our conversation.

it shouldn’t have ended like this,
but you deserved more,
i then gave you one last kiss,
you didn’t love me anymore.

on a list of things you love
how long would it take you to list yourself?

you were like a rose
beautiful from far away,
but hurt when i got close.

I hope one day
Even if far away
I can make you as happy as you made me.

his gaze ignites her
his smile invites her
his laugh delights her
his love excites her

her mind fascinates him
her body fixates him
her touch captivates him
her love saturates him

tears streaming
knuckles white
internal screaming
struggling to get through the night

your image haunting
bound to my mind
the thought of you taunting
forever confined

unfazed by my agony,
you turn a blind eye,
an ice cold mentality,
you never said goodbye.

you have storms inside you one cannot contain
blizzards and cyclones, a wide range.
most destruction inflicted by yourself
the consequence of feelings that were long withheld.

if you let me in i will rescue you
drain the darkness from your soul and make it brand new.
we'll walk in the meadow, you'll be the sunshine
please, let me be your new starting line.

rays hit you
illuminate you
drenching you in gold
the only warmth in this cold

splattered with freckles
playful smirk
infinite love
we never thought we would see the end of

now we don’t acknowledge
you have forgotten me
moved on ages ago
just someone you used to know

years have passed
we have tried and failed
love and pain felt consecutively

arrogant and dismissive
self delusion throughout
two seperated puzzle pieces

i distance myself continuously
losing myself deliberately
slipping away slowly
doing it coldly

it’s dark and lonely
i treat myself so coldly.
nothing makes sense anymore
small things have become a chore.

everything seems so distant
always inconsistent.
everyone says i’ve changed
my mind is utterly deranged.

but don’t worry about me
this poem isn’t a plea.
i will be okay
maybe, someday