Jealousy is the most
Insidious emotion
It eats you away like nothing else
Ever could

Love is every emotion out there.
It's jealous, proud, selfish.
It's kind, friendly, and forgiving.
Or unforgiving.
It's obsession
And neediness
And it's also being okay with
Loving them from a distance.

Love...it makes us fools.
Makes us do crazy things
That doesn't logistically
Benefit anyone.

It is the most confusing thing ever,
But once it hits you,
You know it is love.

And people can try to tell you differently.
That it isn't love, it needs
More respect, more kindness,
Or more desperation.

But the truth is, nobody knows
What love is.

It's just...something about them.

My most favorite thing
Is when they still have long hair
And dress like guys do now
Not super baggy pants
But not form fitting either

And you take them to bed,
Or, knowing stems,
They take you to bed.
And all that manliness
About them is still
Just barely there,
In the ***** of their shoulders
And the way their hands touch you

But then they get undressed
And it's the most beautiful
Combination
Of boy and girl.
They're so fresh and confident
But not cocky

They're respectful and talented
And it's like they try to only
Show the manly side

But then you get into bed
And it's like unwrapping
A present
That only gets better
Every time you unwrap it

A little piece of their femininity
Uncovered just for you,
In that moment only.

They say love is love
But say your sexuality isn't real

They say dress how you want
But say it isn't dressing right

They say
Kissing girls is weird
They say
Don't you miss ****
They say
How can you like that

You try to not look
Into their eyes
And get lost in their desperate kisses

Cause all that they are
Is a phantom of
What could've been.

Be who you want to be.
Love who you want to love.

Wear what you want,
Kiss who you want,
Say what you want.

It doesn't matter if you
Are straight or lesbian
Or gay or bi or trans
Or ace or pan.

It doesn't matter if you
Are white or black
Or Asian or Mexican.

Be who you want to be.
Own who you are.
And if you have to burn a few
Bridges to become who you
Truly are,

Then those bridges that were burned
Never really mattered
In the first place.

Just **** this.
**** THIS.

I don't want

to be
           wild and free


                                I want someone to actually care

You listen to loud music
You write about them
Drink too much
Smoke too much
Just trying to get their
**** face out of your head

You read books
And play ****** games
Go and see friends
Just trying to get their
Smile out of your mind.

And no matter what you do
You end up staying up
Too late--
All alone,
Thinking of their face and smile
And what their fingertips look like
You're thinking about
The shape of their eyes
And what their laugh sounds like.
What their lips taste like.

All these memories you wish
You didn't have
Because they aren't good memories
Anymore

******* memories that
Won't go away,
All that happiness and lust and love
Now sit, soured,
In your heart, head, and stomach.

Who gives a **** about the clothes you wear or the color of your skin or the way you talk or who you love or what ink you have or how you do your makeup or what weight you are or what you got pierced because none of it should matter.

We should give a **** about what you've accomplished and how you choose to express yourself and what you want to be not who you were or are.

All of society is thinking about how the outside reflects the inside, and it does. But people think you have to have a certain kind of outside to have a good inside; formal clothes, formal speaking, no criminal record, a certain skin color, a certain sexuality, no visible tattoos and dear god take that piece of metal out of your nose.
And if you don't have the right outside, you are not professional enough, not smart enough, and you don't care enough.

Well excuse me. I didn't know I had to care so much I had to hide who I really am.

And if I were
To die tonight
I'd die alone.

Everyone under the age of 25
Is so scared that they
Won't find the love of their life

You know who should be scared?
People at age 40 or 50
Who have multiple ended marriages
Because who
Could ever possibly
Be the one for them?

So much wasted time, and
So much wasted youth.

I find the curve of your nose
To be beautiful
And how the corners
Of your lips turn when you talk
I love your eyelashes
And when you play dance with me

Your long blond hair
And your fingertips
Short fingernails
But
You're so perfect
All the same to me

I love it when you laugh
Into my shoulders
Cause I said something funny

And oh **** I love it
When you hold me
And whisper
I could stay like this forever

Cause my heart skips a beat
When you smile
After I whisper
*Me too

The cuts turned into scars
Months ago
But I still flinch when
The showers spray
Touches it

What I love
Is falling asleep texting them
And waking up
To see they still said goodnight
Even though they knew
You were asleep.

Dear god
Please tell me how to make it all go away without having to put a bullet in my brain.

I don't know what's so **** poetic
About drinking black coffee
And being depressed
What's so 'sad yet beautiful'
About crying in the rain
Because nothing about the hurt
Is beautiful
It's ******* pain
In your chest.
It's a sick stomach
And it's not eating at all
Or eating too much.

Nothing, nothing
Is poetic about it.
It's not beautiful.

It's ugly.
And it's there.
And it won't ******* leave,
No matter what you
Write about it.

Because the way I'm feeling right now
Is NOT okay

Because tomorrow will mark a year since I've been without her

Because I can't bring myself to eat or else I get sick

Because I'm so ******* done with feeling nothing and I want to live life like there rest of them do

Because I want to laugh without feeling empty

I remember one time
When we were *******
It was when that new song
"Ride" by SoMo had come out.
So you put it on and took me
Into the living room
And kissed me like you meant it.
We started on the couch
And then went into the kitchen
You bent me in half
Pushed it in
But something was wrong
I dropped to the floor, crying.
"Baby, what's wrong?" You asked,
Gathering me up in your arms.
I couldn't even answer,
I was crying so **** hard.
And it didn't even hurt anymore,
But I couldn't even walk
So we sat down on the couch
And I held you so **** close
And just cried
I haven't ever cried like that
In front of anyone, ever.
You just held me,
Let me cry, let me cry it all out.
To this day,
I still don't know why I was crying,
Or why I was begging you to
Just hold me.

Maybe I knew our end was coming soon
Somehow
In the back of my mind
I knew
Somehow.

It's a little bit scary
No--
******* terrifying
To know that
I can be the happiest person alive
For a moment
Then feel nothing at all the next

You're exactly the kind of girl
Who will give me amazing memories
Whispered secrets
Hickeys in spots only you can see
Then leave me
Act like it never happened
And be totally okay

And I'm so scared
Because you're the kind of girl
I promised myself I wouldn't fall for
But goddamnnit I haven't
Ever fallen this hard
In my life

I look at her
And wonder how
Such a perfect person
Could be created

I guess I always fall for
Blond hair
and
blue eyes

And if I turn sideways
In the mirror
I look almost skinny enough
To be lovable

Come--
Lay with me under my blankets
Kiss my skin
Memorize the pattern of my gasps
Leave bruises on my hips

Come--
Let's take a drive into town
Play our music too loud
And get sick from smoking
Too many cigarettes

Come--
Stop talking to me for over a year
And then call me up
Crying and saying
"It was you, always you.."

Your fingertips
Burned into my back
A little indent
On the lower left side of my spine

So I pick up a book
And read words that
Make me feel something inside
Ones where I cry at the end
Just to make sure
I can even feel.

It's crazy how
One person
One kiss
One smile
One touch
Can make your life feel
Perfect

She looked at me
Confusedly
Pulled her hand back up
Asked me why
I shrugged and apologized
I don't think anyone's
Ever told her no
To getting into their pants

She cups my face
Kisses my nose
My forehead
My cheeks
My chin
Finally my lips
She pulls away
Opens her eyes
And whispers
*you are so beautiful
In every single way

Perfection found its way
Into her eyes and eyelashes
Her hair and her eyebrows
The curve of her lips when we kiss
It found its way
Into her flawless smooth tan skin
And into her hand
When she squeezes mine

I sit on her bed
My stomach a pile of nerves
That make my hands tremor
And a little damp

She stands between me
I see it in her eyes
Her beautiful blue eyes
She holds my face
My body is shaking

I'm shaking
I'm shaking
She kisses me
Once
Twice

I melt into a puddle
I melt into her arms
I have to pull away
Because I can't wipe this ridiculous smile
Off my face

I fell asleep
Smiling at the moon
With the taste of flower petals
On my tongue

This is what hope tastes like

Time doesn't do anything
But make you numb
To some of the moments
You felt
The most.

Either it's wrong
Or it's right
I can't see anything
In black
Or white

I sit in the grass
With my eyes closed.
Feeling the green of summer
Come to me in warm wind.
Come, come, come
The trees whisper to me.

When they see her they see straight perfect teeth, round full lips.
Dark hair and tan skin,
A shy smile
With big sweet eyes.
Small, petite, but with ***** up to her chin in all their perky triple d glory.
No stretch marks.
They all fall in love with her
Smiling at the ground when she asks why.
Then they all look up at her
Slow
And say
theres just something about you..

I sit down, giving up immediately.

You still remember
How to get to her house
Her sisters house
Her grandmas house
You still remember
Her whispering about fireworks
After you two kissed
You still remember
Her dancing and singing
The way her chest rose and fell
Beneath your hand
Her heartbeat in your ear
You still remember
Holding her as she cried
And all the times
You pulled away when she
Pulled towards
You still remember asking for breaks
And her sitting
Next to her door rocking
Back and forth
Asking how you could do this
After you had kissed someone else
You still remember
The last note
And you can't remember
The last kiss
Because you had been so sure
That it couldn't ever be
A last kiss

She called me pitiful
She said I was desperate
Called me a *******

So I went to my room
And cried like the
Pitiful desperate *******
I am.

My stomach hurts
Up into my throat
I feel like throwing up
All the knives stabbing me
In the back

I still miss you so much
It's a little ridiculous
How it's been almost a year
Since we broke up
I feel like I could still cry
Still scream
Beg for you back
But I feel even you can't
Pull me away from the edge
I'm standing on
You're still so beautiful
Ever since you and HER broke up
You've actually said a few words to me
I miss you so much.

I'm high so high
Up in the sky
In big clouds of white

He makes me complete
But when he isn't next to me
I feel crazy
Like he needs to be next to me at all times
And if he isn't
I'll lose him

The last time I kissed someone
Was almost a month ago
And all my happiness is fake
Can someone
Anyone
Just hold me
And kiss me
And then sweetly
Make love to me

Until it all goes away
Forever and ever
And then I can be happy
For once in my life

You bottle everything up
Until the last moment
And something as simple as
The Notebook
Happens
And you wish you could have that love

You sit there with silent tears
Scared to death
That "larger than life love"
Will never happen to you

Don't you hate staying up late
When you're all alone
With your thoughts
And your regrets
And you don't have anything to drink
Or anything to smoke
So you just sit there
Laying on your back
Feeling the stray tears
Slide down the sides of your cheeks
And into your ears

It's hard to smile
Sit still and be quiet
When all you want to do
Is throw your phone across
The room
Let it break into a million pieces
And have the person you love
Hold you
And whisper "I'm sorry"

I find myself thinking of
Him
How he still loves me
And how Rays dad
Stepped on Rays foot
And threw Rays phone
Across the room
And how broken feet
And cracked screens
Don't compare to
His heart.

I watched you and HER
Dance
Mess around smiling
Laughing

All I could think of
Was how funny it was
That I can know you so well
And then suddenly
Not know you at all.

And I just want to touch her
Hold her
Kiss her
Because even though she is
Officially mine
I still feel like she is the
One that I'll never have

I keep thinking
if I could just go back
But I can't go back
I can't ever rewind time
And I cry when I realize
Just how far back I'm stuck
In the past.