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The angles
Of your body
Intrigue me so
I want to solve you

I want you
To write
On my arms
My legs

My back
My face
With your lips
Make me your journal

When we
Wake the next day
I no longer want
To be me

When we
Wake the next day
I want to be
Your idea
They played a love song in the car
The wife looked to her husband
The husband glanced back, before looking out far
To the road ahead.
My friend,
A world from her husband
Probably sat thinking of that distance.
They played a love song
And I thought of no one
Because I had no one to think of
As I have for so long.
 Oct 2018 Lindsey Graham
I used to think everyone around me
Was rising

Over time, it seems more likely that
I'm just falling

It looks the same,
But it isn't.

He keeps following **** stars
On Twitter
And messaging lonely girls
On Facebook
Telling me that I'm stupid
That I'm crazy
That I'm lost

And he's right
But that doesn't change
The agony of sharp words
As I swallow them

His eyes once were a light brown;
Pools of swirled honey in the sunlight

Now there's two black holes
Cut from his skull
That he sees out of

And he doesnt really look at me,
Just toward me,
As if pretending
To notice me

I used to laugh so hard
I'd notice a sharp
Aching in my jaw
When I climbed into bed
At night

Now there is no ache
Just that feeling of falling
Over a ledge,
Grasping at rocks
Trying not to get lost
In the void growing deeper
Every night

I always feel like I'm circling
Around and around
This space where the Earth ends
And drops into nothing

I am so close to slipping
There is a sinking in my gut
As the tips of my toes
Teeter over the edge

But I just keep circling
Around and around

Hoping for a route out
Without plunging blindly
Into the dark
 Feb 2017 Lindsey Graham
I had slivers in my knees
From crawling on wooden floors,
I had blistered thumbs
From holding on so tight
So don't tell me
I let it happen

I stayed up all night,
Just trying to catch my breath,
Clawing at the air,
Begging for wind
To pick me up
So don't tell me
I let it happen

I was gagging over a ceramic bowl
With broken tile under my thighs
And I was still telling myself
I was gonna rise
So don't tell me I gave up

I woke up in a cold sweat,
But I woke up,
And I woke up,
And I woke up,
So don't tell me I gave up

I panicked in every corner
Of every room
And every alley way
From here to Hell
And back again
But I kept on ******* going
So don't tell me I fell short
On promises

I did everything I could
And when I couldn't
I did it anyway
So don't tell me I fell short
On promises

I sat in a lukewarm bathtub
With dry veins
Praying I leaked
The poison from my
Exhausted skin
So don't tell me
I didn't bleed enough

I coughed up crimson
From all the screaming
Muffled into a pillow
After hours under pressure
So don't tell me
I didn't bleed enough

Some things are hopeless,
But not worthless

There is value
In the process

I didn't make it
Not yet
And maybe
I never will
But I'm strong
And sturdy
And unafraid
All the same
We spent two weeks texting each other
Upon those weeks
We only saw each other twice.
The first time I met you,
My heart fluttered
I love you so much
I always wanted to say this to you.
You held my hand so tightly
As if I was your world.
Your soft warm gentle kisses,
Made me fall in love with you even more.
After the first day was over,
I wouldn't think you would text me back.
But you did.
You loved spending time with me,
That you wanted to meet the next Saturday.
Every single day
We texted looking forward to each day.
Your good mornings
You calling me baby
You ending up missing me when I take a nap
I love the smallest things about you
My feelings for you
Only grew.
Saturday came along.
We met again.
We kissed.
We had ***.
And we kissed again.
I told you that I was falling for you really hard.
You only said "That's okay."
For the first time,
I finally told you that I loved you even though my heart was racing fast.
"I love you too."
With those words, I felt safe.
I felt complete with you.
Our day together was perfect.
Even just the quiet car rides,
was perfect with you.
It was that until you parked into my house to drop me off.
I looked at your eyes.
Those hazel eyes were full of sadness.
I couldn't wrap my head what you were thinking.
I could only give you a kiss.
A kiss that I knew, would be our last.
A kiss that I wish that was longer.
Wish you were mine.
 Nov 2016 Lindsey Graham
You have such pretty eyes
They remind me all of the time
of how much I hate mine

It hurts so ******* much
To love
When you've crafted
A perfectly secluded life
Based solely on self-hate

I asked my psychiatrist
If my condition is terminal,
And he said
"That's up to you"
But I puke each morning
At a quarter to two
And it never feels like
A decision at all

I asked my psychiatrist
If I should be bedridden
And he said
"If you want to"
But I've never wanted
To live in silence
At twenty-two
And still I can't even move
So how can you say
I approve?

It's really hard
To align the lightness
And the darkness
In my mind
To make that pretty indigo color
That sanity comes in

I think in a muted grey
A dark yellow haze
Slashes of army green
That seep crimson red
All set over black
And it's always running together
Making these ugly swirls
That sting in the shower

I'm broken
I know that
Without a doubt

My psychiatrist said
"There's no such thing
As a broken human"

But I am consumed by this poison
To which there is no anti-venom,
And I feel like a walking infection,
Pumping veins full of OxyContin
Just to take the edge off

I won't survive this
& everyone knows it
 Nov 2016 Lindsey Graham
I'd hang your flaws
In picture frames
All over my bed room walls
Before I'd look twice at
Their qualities

And I'd kiss the stab wounds
In your back
Before I'd reach out my hand
To save their sinking halos

I'd rather be a comfort
Battling alongside you
In your worst nightmare
Than live a single day
Of ease
In their
Dream world

I know this isn't what we
Had hoped for
When our parents
Read us fairytales

But my mind is only
Quiet when you speak,
I only feel at ease
Between your sheets

I'll listen to you sobbing
In a cold, concrete stairwell
Every day
And I'll ignore
All the soft songs
They sing in warm
Living rooms
All over the city
If it means we can
Go home together

If we're a stretch,
I'll reach for you
Until my arms fall off

If this is suicide,
I'll hang this noose
With so much pride
 Nov 2016 Lindsey Graham
I get paid to make bonds with terminally ill people of all ages & I'll tell you what I've learned:

On your death bed
It won't matter
Whether or not
You changed the world,
All you'll want
Is someone to talk to
(So be nice. Hold on to your friends.)
 Nov 2016 Lindsey Graham
The morning air freezes in my lungs,
My chest tightens
My hands are too weak
To hold the panic down,
It rises up from the ground
And wraps itself around my ribcage

The cold has me exhausted
And it's only November

I need to stay focused now

More pain is coming

I take the frost on my windsheild
Like a glaring warning:

"Breathe now.
This is the calm
Before the storm"

I feel like the mountains are laughing,
They see what's coming before it
Reaches us
And they know how ill prepared
We'll always be

They think it's pretty funny,
The heats up all the way
But it's only circulating
Bitter air
In a tauntingly rhythmic

I am staring into blank space,
Snow blind
And shaking

You are where the pavement is warm
All year long,
And no one ever asks
You to feel their blue hand
On your pale cheek bone
So how do you know what
Sorrow tastes like?

Yeah, I've cried in the warm sun
But it's a unique depression
When it feels exactly like
the whole coast is crying with you

I let every call go to voicemail,
I need more bad news like
A hole in the throat

This is when the overdoses
Start to pile up

My friends are broken
I'm glad I never got there

The cigarette in my hand
Is shivering
While I hold it out
Into the elements,
It fights the stillness,
The thickness,
The grayness
Of Almost-Winter
With its small bit
Of raging fire
But it stands no chance
And as soon as the center
Gets damp,
It starts to taste like cancer
So I drop it over ice...
Watch it try to follow my car,
Watch it fail
And extinguish
Into the ground

That reminds me
I should really call you back
But I'm so tired baby

And sometimes
Maintaining anything
Feels pretty pointless

The earth inhales,
Kinda wheezes,
It sounds too much
like the last three gasps
Of a dying man

Do you know what it's like
To be as tired as the day you're in?

Days are never tired in the south

You'll never know darkness like a northerner

We can smell the bruises forming
 Oct 2016 Lindsey Graham
I didn't ask to be like this,
Sitting on a bar stool in south Philly,
Hoping no one notices the water in my fist
Because I don't drink,
And I can't decide if that matters

I didn't ask to be like this,
Counting tiles as I walk through them,
Hoping no one notices
the concentration in my teeth,
Because I can barely breathe,
And I can't decide if I want to

Liking the rain doesn't make you interesting,
it makes you half-past 20 in northern PA,
And saying whatever is on your mind
doesn't make you edgy,
It makes you obnoxious...
It makes me think just maybe
You talk a little bit too much,
And tequila shots don't make you brave,
They make you sound like an 18 year old,
Just as lost, just as confused, just as scared-
But less articulate for sure,
Your matte red lips aren't deep,
Your matte red lips match mine
& every other woman in this ******* bar,
I didn't come here to talk about acid trips,
Or the hypocrisy in your politics,
I didn't come here to make friends,
Ever think I just wanted to sit?

I haven't spoken a word out loud
In six weeks and three days,
So I'm sorry if my voice shakes

I don't go outside for much anymore
So I'm sorry if your blinded by my complexion

I work at a nursing home
And I'm nearly as dead
As the patients,
The failure in my brain
Is a little different
But I'm equally exhausted
By my inadequacies

Without a lack of trying
I'm begging for the strength
To slit my own throat,
Because I don't feel like
Showing up for an other day

My diagnosis is a list 6 pages long
Full of initialisms that
end in the letter "D"
For Disorder

And I promise my tattoos
Are not an invitation for conversation,
So don't look so confused
When I get up and walk away
From you

I keep telling my boyfriend
Not to fall in love with me
Even though I've been
In love with him all along

I keep telling my boyfriend
To protect himself
Because I've been on my way out
Since I turned sixteen,

I say,
"I never thought I'd make it to
twenty-two, but please remember
I didn't stay to be with you"

I'm always trying to save
Bright eyed people,
Full of swirling galaxies,
And light
From the way I seem to
hallow them out,

I'm sorry I stayed in bed
With the tick inside my head
Again this week,
Don't forgive me
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