An expressionless despair
Pure agony without care
Wanting to break free
Of this wretched nightmare

Finding out I'm losing heart
All from playing the part
I've lost my head start
And I'm all out of restarts

Dueling this darkness within
A war rages under my skin
Under the dominance of my sin
This road I take will finally end.

I've made my peace, it's time to go
No time left to say hello.
I'll miss you for sure, though
We have played one helluva show.

Anxiety is depression without the resignation;
the teetering hope on the cliff edge, not knowing if it will fall or right itself.

I think of how good you're going to taste
feeling your heat reach my lips
waiting for you
to stir you up
get you really ******* hot
waiting to fill you all the way to the brim
just add a little cream
to the sugar already in you
& when your fluids hit my mouth
slide down my throat
I know I'm awake and alive
with my morning coffee

poetry has become nothing more than
fizzling embers that i desperately bellow
in the hopes that once bright flame will
ablaze again

I don't think most people understand depression
                                                    ­                         suicide
                                                         ­                           PTSD
or the cycles that they come in as if they were tides.

People don't see past the smiles and laughter to the darkness within;
That you could be surrounded by love and feel okay
                                                            ­                            yet still be dead

That no matter how much comfort or peace you have it still gnaws away in the beck of your mind and chews a hole in your heart.

Cut wrists and suicide attempts aren't a cry for attention but for help;
does anybody out there hear me? see me? feel the way I feel? does anybody get that I am on the edge and losing it? why does nobody listen? why don't they take me serious? am I worth anything?

It disgusts me we execute the wounded and condemn their suffering;
Maybe they shouldn't feel the way they feel, but it's how they feel, so quit trying to tell them to stop feeling that way!
QUIT TRYING TO FIX THEM

Just be there... they need to know they aren't alone.

If you could only hear this howling desert wind,
Echoing of the four corners of this vexed heart,
Swirling about trying to latch onto your love,
But the wind has no fingers...

It continues to go, 'round and 'round,
Forming a dust devil and shredding the walls,
Cracking and separating the desperate foundation,
The blood trickles down my ribs,
And you never saw it.

i’d like to get lost, to lose myself
in the solemn, quiet breaths of nowhere,
where the world fades to whispers,
and i become simply nothing,
a king of less than i am,
ruling over silence and shadow.
the noise of life wears thin,
like a thread unraveling,
the air grows thinner still,
a fading whisper in the dark,
thinning,
ever so much more.
there’s twilight within me,
a slow descent into night,
where light flickers and falters,
giving way to a deepening gloom,
a darkening,
as shadows stretch and grow.
they rise from within,
silent specters that whisper
of forgotten dreams and distant echoes,
filling the void with their quiet presence,
as i drift further into the night,
seeking solace in the unknown.
in this place of quiet breaths and growing shadows,
i am both lost and found,
a king of nothing,
a ruler of the in-between,
where the world ceases to matter,
and i am free to simply be.

I held on while I let you go; and darling if that's not love I don't know what to do.
When you walked away I only told you one lie and that was that I hated you.
That lie was true only on the surface because deep in my heart, darling, it split me in two.
I'm still in love, despite my best efforts; you're beyond me while I'm in my own noose.
Staring at a map, I cross the distance with my fingers and understand there is no use.
Life has made it's own plans for what became of us, and darling, love is always askew.

how can such a beautiful person
                                               torment themselves so much?
how can love pour out for others
                                               and hate be given to yourself?

I met my muse this morning
I put a bullet in her heart
She knew too much
But now I can't write

Oops

One red ball amidst all the silver *****,
A matte finish amidst all the metallic shimmerings,
One that is entirely and unmistakably different,
A unique and individual thing in a throng of unity.

One red cube in the midst of all the blue cubes,
Totally different than all of it's monotonous neighbors,
One who has no fitting in the lineup of sameness,
The red cube is wholly and entirely it's own master.

The red ball is someone who loves when nobody loves,
The red cube is someone who lives when nobody lives,
Are you going to be someone who loves?
Are you going to be someone who lives?

Taking a shovel to dig,
Falling into the hole I dug,
Wallowing like a pig.

I am the forgotten
I am the oppressed
I am the depressed
I am the lonely
I am the small
I am the dying
I am lost
I am sad
I am one

**I am discarded

My dreams are invaded by you; I am besieged by emotions I'd rather not feel anymore//
Your spirit lingers on my lips and tongue; everything about you I cannot have//
It's the only place you meet me; it's all fiction, bittersweet fiction//
I'm left to wonder if it's you reaching out, or me stuck in the past; I cannot know//

Obviously we got disconnected
Because I don't see you around anymore.
Too busy hitting a bottle or partying.

Obviously we got disconnected
Because you went after the woman I love
When you knew I loved her.

Obviously we got disconnected
Because you get lost playing video games
With your friends that you forget I exist.

Obviously we got disconnected
Because I'm running very low on friends
And I don't want to be disconnected...

i long to scream
until the surface of my throat
is as torn as much as
my heart feels
as much as
my mind is
until i am haunted
by the thought
that i dont recall
my own voice

If dividing is conquering
My heart should rule the world

Why am I alone, then?

Why does Doctor Who always run?
He's done so much good, and helped so many
He always tries to do the right thing
He always fights against the evil of the universe

Why can't he keep a companion?
He's always looked out for them
He's always cared for them and had their backs
He's done nothing but give them adventure

Why is he nameless?
Because no matter how much good he does
No matter how many right things he does
No matter how much evil he slays
No matter how much he looks out
No matter how much he cares
No matter how many adventures

It
Isn't
Enough

There's always the past that's unforgivable
And he never stays because he knows he's a poison
Who will destroy everything he repairs

Doctor Who is never good enough for himself
He's his own judge, jury, and executioner

The curved blade of your betrayal sliced wide and deep.
I don't think I can ever forgive you. I trusted you...
Now, you're a stranger to me.
I disown you.

My worn and weary heart,
Is made alive by your side,
In your presence I feel good,
You make me so happy.

How could I tell you how I feel?
Would you feel the same thing?
I know my love is the real deal,
I don't want a superficial fling.

I would climb into your ear,
Get inside that pretty head,
Know if your heart is here,
In this river of love I tread.

Could you give me a sign?
A signal?
Show me what you're feeling?
Don't be scared.

Maybe on second thought,
We should lock it all up.
After all time, still be aught,
It's best not to drink this cup.

We shouldn't ruin something this good,
I'm scared of pushing this too far,
If we could be in love I think we would,
This is confusing to me, so bizarre.

Manipulating trying to get some skin
Narcissistic guy trying to get a win
Go ahead and make her jealous
But she won't submit to your selfishness

Dude, she's an angel
You wanted a ***** instead
But you're the ***** my man
And she still is a precious angel

So try and drag her down
She'll just fly away
Leaving you alone on the ground
Sinking in your wretchedness

So it seems donuts are the order today
I'll lay them out like a buffet
You can gorge and feast
Like you're a donut beast
But I'm telling you, you forgot to pay

I'm in love, I'm in lust, I'm in danger, I'm endangered
I want to take your breath away
And I wanna take my own away too
Wait
Did you catch that saying?
I live for love and don't want to live anymore
That's insane

It's a contradiction between contrasted conflicts that pulls my emotions to apathy when I want to care

I'd give everything to give everything again, but I gave it once and have nothing left but memories of when you left, so turn left while I turn right and imagine a world where I make things right by writing it all out

Then I'll run out of words to say that I love you still even when my heart is still and I've moved to the great beyond
Beyond hopes and dreams and heartache and pain
Darling this isn't a game but we played it all the same, & the smile of yours that used to greet me now grieves me

You can't hear my voice read this but you still hear the desperation; I'm depressed and don't know what to do when I only knew of you; it doesn't matter, since this matter will one day turn to dust and ash

Do you hear that sound?
That horrible sound.
Do you know what it is?

Is it an iceberg forming?

Crackling and crashing,
Glacier losing its child,
Broken into the ocean,
Lost and adrift forever.
No.

Is it a tree falling?

All alone in the forest,
Nobody to hear it die,
Tumbling towards gravity,
Deadly somersault below.
No.

Is it a heart breaking?

Passions toned down to blank,
And sheets empty and cold, lost.
Unfathomable reason, love gone,
As yet just another year falls away.
No.

Is it a soul weeping?

The sound of shattered glass hitting the floor as she walks out of bed, still mourning the loss of him.
The sound of an empty beer bottle clinking against the bar counter as he remembers the children he can't see.
The sound of a growling stomach as the child rummages through the trash pile seeking to feed his toddler sister.
The sound of martyrs being slain in silence, with not a single eye passing their way.
The sound of a Father's heart breaking as one sheep gets separated from the other ninety-nine.
Yes.
That's the sound.

When I wrote you this, I was in a really bad place
   do you remember?

My faith is practically dead right now, future me
   do you remember?

You're missing the woman you love that you lost
   do you remember?

She's that sparkle of gold stuck in your soul
   do you remember?

Or how strained things are between Kayla and you
   do you remember?

Remember that night you wanted to end it all?
   do you remember?

Have you come to terms with your friend's suicide, yet?
   do you remember?

You're going to be a warrior someday... I have to endure
   do you remember?

Has anyone wanted your love, your passion?
   do you remember?

I hope you're married by the time I read this again...
   do you remember?

Maybe you'll still be where I am now, stuck in love
   do you remember?

Just know it was worth it, loving her. Even though she's lost...
   *do you remember?

Sink deep
Find the gold

Beep beep
Wake up now

Wink blink
It's all gone

Drink think
Off to work

Five times I went through the revolving door to be spat out in the same room over and over.

Once I was in the flooded maze, seeking the ramp I could see in the distance to escape, but I saw faces amongst the plants in the water.

Once I was on cliff, sitting, whilst the darkness was congregated in the gorge below.

I can no longer explain the sword in my hands or the giants I am to soon face.

All I know is Death draws the curtains in my room whilst sharpening his teeth, and I no longer know the man in the mirror.

I care too much
I suffocate people
I have so much family
I never let them close

Even with so many people
Surrounding my heart
Its stone walls are a mile high
Its stone walls are a mile thick

All the kings horses
All the kings men
Couldn't break this wall
With all the might they had

Everyday I'm told to be strong
Be strong
Be strong
Be strong

It's like an echo
Echo
Echo
Echo

Maybe I'm better off weak
Better off weak
Better off weak
Better off weak

Because I'm not strong
Not strong
Not strong
Not strong

I was freshly turned 17, you were freshly turned 21.
I didn't know you ***** me at the time, but I now know for sure.
I was madly in love with another woman, frustrated I wasn't getting her.
So you saw an opportunity to teach me the birds and the bees.
Yet you were still a stranger to me.
How could I say no with my raging hormones?
Didn't think that desire would burn into my bones
Never expected an addiction to make its home in me.
In between these years I'm still within that sphere
Another one night stand, another *** buddy, another thrill that kills a part of me.
I bet you didn't think that your in-between-boyfriends-plaything would start doing what you did to me.
Except now I despise myself when I realized I take advantage of my playthings... maybe ***** someone like you ***** me.
I don't blame you, though. I only blame myself.
I'm trying to forgive you, like I'm learning to forgive myself.

i am done with rescue,
with the weight of pulling others from wreckage
only to drown beside them.
done with patching holes in a sinking vessel
that was never meant to float.

i have tried to save myself
with the wrong tools,
wrong hands,
wrong reasons.
mistaking the blade for the bandage,
the cage for shelter.

failure is not a wound that heals.
it is a mirror i refuse to shatter,
because what then?
to live blind or to see myself clearer?
both sound like ruin.

so i demand perfection
a lie i can’t let slip,
a truth no one should hear.
because if i crack,
they will see the hollow,
the ghosts of everyone i tried to be
and wasn’t.

i have no room for mistakes
when the space for love is already full
of fear and silence.
and i know
god, i know
this is not the way to fix things.
but it’s all i have.

such a sigh
echoes
in places
no sounds are allowed

such pain
bleeds
and stains
in ways water cant clean

last words
hurt
in ways
that echo and bleed

they stain
the parts of my mind
locked away
yea, locked away

Mirror mirror on the wall,
Broken hearts plague us all.
Fallen hopes &
Shattered dreams
Every lost opportunity.

Everyone knows
Everyone has felt
What it's like being dealt
Then discarded away
And left with an array of scars
With no more chances to
Reach for our stars.