One last phone call
Then you were gone
Trying to make sense of it
But no sense came at all.
Your smile and joy
You decided to quit
however I know
it was all a decoy
Your heart was broken
you felt so low
You tried so hard
many words unspoken
I know you are watching
And keeping guard
Life is all good
like you always said
Until we meet again
Be proud of all you withstood
I’ll send my love up there instead.
You couldn’t continue.
I miss you
Your smiling face
Nice to meet you
It’s not nice to meet you.
You’re just another one.
Another one what?
That’s ok, I’m just glad you came.
Another person to promise me things
Another person to let me down.
I didn’t want to.
I know you didn’t want to.
I’m sorry people have let you down.
I can’t promise I won’t. I’ll do my best.
You want to know my life story
I have to repeat it again.
When will this stop. I hate you.
No, you tell me what you want.
What do you need now?
You can hate me. But I don’t hate you.
I don’t want to take the pills.
They make my head foggy.
I need to sleep. I need food. I’m hungry.
Why don’t you hate me. Everyone else does.
Who is everyone?
I think you are very brave.
Why don’t you sleep then?
You are safe here.
Brave. How am I brave?
People are watching me.
I can’t sleep. Not safe.
Because you asked for help.
You are safe. I’m watching you yes.
To keep you safe. Here’s a sandwich.
Eat. Then sleep. Are you cold?
I don’t want to. You don’t get it.
I haven’t eaten for days. You are nice.
Not cold. But I haven’t showered for days.
Well shower. That’s your room.
I don’t get it. You are right
But I know you are exhausted.
Here are some clean clothes.
You are going to be ok. I promise
How do you know it’s going to be ok?
I am so tired. Will you watch me all night.
I know you are. I’ll be here all night.
Lay down now. Tomorrow will be better.
It will get better. You will get better.
I don’t hate you.
The sand which was good.
If you say so, I hope so.
Sleep well, goodnight.
Was just thinking of a conversation I once had with a patient who self presented. As a mental health nurse, its a conversation of many people on their first night in a mental health unit. So scared and lonely. If only we could show them their last day there so they could see that it wasn’t the end for them. Anyways, just a random thing.
I dream of being a child again
The child runs around flying a kite
Yelling and screaming laughter
butterflies in many colours flying by
The child tries to trap them and giggles
If I could just be that child again
I am down and out.
I stay in my safe place.
I try to convince myself I’m not hiding
In fact I hide because I’m afraid
Afraid of things I’ll do if I go out.
I’m so strong but right now I’m nothing.
I feel like the world is suffocating me
No one understands, they can’t cope
When I am not myself.
I carry everything I smile I talk.
When I don’t people flee they disappear
Where are my people, I need you
I’m trying but I feel tied down.
Everything hurts everything doesn’t make sense.
I can’t be strong all the time.
I am not. I feel down and I feel like escaping.
This is me
It's like if it was possible I could rip my body open and show the pain running around like blood flows through veins and arteries
To open my mouth and scream and for the air to fill my lungs without taking a breath so all the noise and anger goes soaring out
I sit and stare I often catch myself not thinking just staring and then I wonder what caught my mind and all the tears start flowing
My body aches it's exhausted not in a tired way but just where everything just feels it's too much to cope with I don't want to deal with anything at all
I hate this me
I want to switch off
Just for a day
As you watch the water glisten.
The Moon shines and shows. The beauty of life as I sit here and think of how life would be diving in and forgetting the world. The innocent submerge the rocking the swaying. I think of the sea world the sharks and whales and fish they seem so insignificant so unhurtful. To just be and be one and to feel.
Would that not just be the most unbelievable feeling in the world. To feel. And to know.
When the only thing you've ever known breaks in front of you,
When your heart is grieving, so full of love, it hurts, it shatters,
There is no one to fault, no one to put the blame, just raw emotion,
There are no words, just tears of pain and anguish, not a life has been lost
My heart broke in two.
You didn't mean too
It's no ones fault
No ones to blame
Shattered and confused
You are our role models
And now you're apart
I don't understand
We always thought you'd be together
I guess life isn't perfect
You will always be our parents
New memories, new traditions
Our love will never stop
My heart still hurts
One day I might get it
For now I'll just trust
You were meant to be there
Be there when I was little
When I was a teenager
Even when I became an adult.
I know you were there
But it didn't stop the bad things
The bad things from happening
I needed you to protect me
I shouldn't blame you
I know that everyday
I just wanted you to fight
I needed to hear you fight
You were my protector
At least my very first
You'll never not be
The one that I call
I just wanted to know
That you would be there
When your little girl falls
Always there to catch her
Don't worry I've learnt
You can't always protect me
But you will always be
And then he said; we will get through this together.
His love engulfs me and makes me feel safe again
I am Strong
Darkness can consume me
Life can be overwhelming
The mind can feel suffocating
I am strong
I crawl out of bed
I shower and dress
I eat my breakfast
I sit on the couch
I am strong
The day progresses
Exercise clears the mind
Study occupies my thoughts
I am strong
I go home
I listen and talk
I get ready for bed
I am strong
Another day has finished
I got up
I am strong
I cry at night
I can't tell you why
I don't know why
I cry at night
Maybe it's where I feel safest
Or maybe it's where I can hide
Every night I cry
Tears just roll
My nose gets stuffy
When I cry at night
I try to escape
Think of happiness
But still I cry
My heart feels broken
It hurts at night
That's why I cry
I used to look into your eyes and think that nothing could ever get to me.
You always said I'd be safe with you and no body could ever hurt me.
We planned and laughed and dreamt about the future we would have.
Then one day you hurt me.
You stole that all from me.
I found someone in my spot, naked and guilty.
You looked at me and told me that you didn't mean it.
It was all lies.
That I believed.
You made me feel like it was my fault.
That I was the one who made you.
You hurt my name and my heart and didn't care at all.
You broke my heart.
My body went into shock.
The days that felt like weeks and the nights that felt like years.
I was numb. I felt numb.
You tore through all my layers and left me so vulnerable.
I felt like I was standing on a cliff so lifeless and light that even a small amount of wind could push me off the edge.
You drank and partied and bullied me.
You showed me that you didn't care.
While I wasn't sleeping and wishing that I could die
Until I got up and started building myself again.
I realised I could walk and breathe by myself.
Life became real again and not just a nightmare.
I became me again and bounced around with laughter.
I met another person.
He is so much fun. He's taught me how to love again.
He's made me smile like I used to.
He doesn't make me feel alone and always stands beside me.
Holds my hand and holds me tight.
Let's me walk towards my dreams and cheers me from the sideline.
He wants me to succeed and doesn't hold me back.
My life is so exciting.
Until I go to sleep at night.
Where that day still haunts me.
The day I saw a blue car.
And a girl in bed with you.
A girl that wasn't me.
I didn't feel safe that day.
I felt so lost and lonely.
I didn't have anywhere to go.
You were the place I used to go.
But I know it wasn't me.
It was you.
As I learn to deal with it.
My life gets brighter.
It is hard.
But it will be worth it.
And maybe it won't haunt me
Just be a distant memory.
One day you will understand exactly what you did.
When you finally feel remorse
I'll be so far away in my happy place living and enjoying life
You will be the one feeling like I did.
You will be awake at night.
Thinking about that day.
Wondering if I still hate you.
Let me help you now.
I do not hate you.
I forgive you.
But I will never forget.
I try to shut my eyes at night.
I am restless.
I wonder to my self will it ever change
Will it ever get easier
I close my eyes and see darkness
I feel like I am deep under ground
So deep I can hardly see the light that shines
Down the hole where I have fallen
I hold on
My hand is in another's
They have got me
I still feel like I'm stuck
Deep down somewhere.
Will this ever change.
I close my eyes and finally
I drift, into a deep, deep
— The End —