I would say I’ve been through my fair share of trauma.
I have tried to be resilient. I have tried to deal with each hurdle. I look back and there’s been downs but I’ve always walked with my head high. I have kept going even when I didn’t feel like I could.
The last 8 weeks. It broke me. I honestly didn’t think I was going to make it. It has been so horrific. Even though I’ve been through more horrific psychical and emotional trauma. I fell into a hole that I didn’t think I was going to make it out of.
Have you ever just felt so numb where you stare at a the tv or the wall and don’t know what time or day you are up to. Where tears fall without noticing. Where you soak your shirt with snot. You can’t pin point what’s hurting more.
The heart break. The betrayal. That someone with an agenda took your career and basically ripped it up in front of you. You want to run. But in my entire life that’s all I have done. This time though, you lack energy you cannot think about driving.
For the first time in a long time you think how easy it would be to drive a car into a tree. You ache. You start mourning people who have left and you don’t know why or where it’s coming from. You feel afraid. So you don’t leave the safe sanctuary. You just sit. Too scared to move. For the first time in a long time I can’t trust myself.
People try and console you, what would you tell a patient right now if you were them? You would tell them there’s hope. That there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. That it’s going to be ok. Its not the same. Because I can’t tell myself that because I am broken and I don’t believe it.
For the first time in a long time I didn’t know what to do. Despair and pain creep in. Confidence and my never ending smile disappears. Usually I can walk and smile and no one would know. How did I become so vulnerable. Why has this broken me.
Control is why. I have no control over any of this. I would be homeless if it weren’t for family. Even though they walk around not able to get in, because I shut them out. I can’t be weak. I won’t allow it. But I don’t have a choice. I’m a mess. I am weak. But I’m slowly learning. It’s ok. This is not my fault.
10 years ago Keith died. Because he didn’t feel as though he could go on. He felt broken and disappointed and backed into a hole he couldn’t get out of. He is the one that reminds me that there is Hope. He might be gone. But he always told me that if you can find one positive every day then it’s worth living for. if you can’t you ask someone to be positive for you. Every year I beat myself up. I could have done more. Even with everything I know now, I feel like we let him down. I know he would be cheering me on and he would not want me to give up. whilst my heart aches all the time. It’s a reminder of what pain it caused losing him and why I had to get over myself and ask for help. I know he would tell me that ‘Life is good, always all good’.
This is me
It's like if it was possible I could rip my body open and show the pain running around like blood flows through veins and arteries
To open my mouth and scream and for the air to fill my lungs without taking a breath so all the noise and anger goes soaring out
I sit and stare I often catch myself not thinking just staring and then I wonder what caught my mind and all the tears start flowing
My body aches it's exhausted not in a tired way but just where everything just feels it's too much to cope with I don't want to deal with anything at all
I hate this me
I want to switch off
Just for a day
As you watch the water glisten.
The Moon shines and shows. The beauty of life as I sit here and think of how life would be diving in and forgetting the world. The innocent submerge the rocking the swaying. I think of the sea world the sharks and whales and fish they seem so insignificant so unhurtful. To just be and be one and to feel.
Would that not just be the most unbelievable feeling in the world. To feel. And to know.
When the only thing you've ever known breaks in front of you,
When your heart is grieving, so full of love, it hurts, it shatters,
There is no one to fault, no one to put the blame, just raw emotion,
There are no words, just tears of pain and anguish, not a life has been lost
My heart broke in two.
You didn't mean too
It's no ones fault
No ones to blame
Shattered and confused
You are our role models
And now you're apart
I don't understand
We always thought you'd be together
I guess life isn't perfect
You will always be our parents
New memories, new traditions
Our love will never stop
My heart still hurts
One day I might get it
For now I'll just trust
You were meant to be there
Be there when I was little
When I was a teenager
Even when I became an adult.
I know you were there
But it didn't stop the bad things
The bad things from happening
I needed you to protect me
I shouldn't blame you
I know that everyday
I just wanted you to fight
I needed to hear you fight
You were my protector
At least my very first
You'll never not be
The one that I call
I just wanted to know
That you would be there
When your little girl falls
Always there to catch her
Don't worry I've learnt
You can't always protect me
But you will always be
And then he said; we will get through this together.