Am I
a boy?

or

Is my mind
a toy?

There was
a time
I got called
"Sir"

And
unexpectedly so
I floated to
the top of
The World.

Why?

Why did that happen?

Don't say it.

The answer's
pricked me with
a sharp pin.

Everyone else
that knows
has poked at it.

But
I guess
this is what
you call
denial.

Euphoria comes.

But
I stuff it down.
Try to forget.

Then
I accuse myself
of not knowing
who I Am.

When really,
I'm afraid
of the answer.

Of what it means
and
being wrong

But
maybe I shouldn't
give a ****.

What if
this is
the thing
I need to do?

What if
this is
My Path
to being strong?

Why can't you
love me?

You run after
somewhere else
to be

And

someone else
to see

But nothing
is gained

You only
end up
in pain.

Why can't I
love me?

If
only

I could once
again
become my own
friend

Then
maybe

I wouldn't
feel
lonely

Trump,

You may believe
your ***
belongs on a
throne.

You may believe
America
is yours to
own.

But the only
place
that should ever house
your  wretched
face

is the

H
E
L
L

you

D
E
S
C
E
N
D

to

after you
crack
and
break,

thinking about all
you
faked,

reminiscing of
Political
Lust,

shortly before

shattering to
dust





























...alone...


















­










within the confines
of a
COLD,
DARK
cell.

She smiles at customers
while making rounds
in this busy town.

Pizza comes
out of the oven.

Hot.

Fresh.

Cheesy.

Taste buds are in heaven.

Children smile
with splendid delight
when the pizza delivery
gal is in sight.

But

It’s not all smiles.

She can go for miles
with no gratitude
because of an
*******’s attitude.

Sometimes
she gets tipped.

Other times,
she gets gypped.

However,
when she tells stories
of tips and smiles
from pizza glory,

I remember,

This is the life
of pizza delivery

Sometimes it *****

But
There's hope within
the misery.

Trapped

in an
atmosphere

of

My Own
Making.

Conquer

My Self.

This is
My life.

My Soul.

For the
taking

Break free

Why am I dead?

There goes some tears

Funeral to be had
inside my head.

Am I not me at all?

Give me the key

Open the door

Who's in here?

Tell me more.

Break ****.

Watch it burn.

Cry on ashes
in an urn.

I'm dead inside
and mourning
my soul.

Plug me up

and

Let me go.

Unzip my body.

and

split my brain.

I hate it here.

All existence

is pain.

Please
get out of my
head.

I enjoy your company

but

for now

I
need to focus
instead.

All I do
is sit here
all day

and

All I see
is how much
I fray

Time

isn't a

friend

It counts

down

to the

end

Up all night,
I can't sleep.

Losing my mind,
I'm in too deep.

Drowning underground
in a rabbit hole,

Will what I've found
make me whole?

Where do leaves
go as they fall
to the ground?

Do they travel
the world or
stay in town?

Do they love
dancing through
the breeze
or long for
union with
beloved trees?

Do they pretend
to be butterflies
floating
and
fluttering
through the sky?

Are they aware
of decomposition
or
Breaking down
slowly once hitting
the ground?

Are they aware
of reality?

Do they know
their existence
won't lead to
permanent fatality?

Are they aware
of the essence
that births
new life
as seeds sprout
from the soil
of Mother Earth?

I've mistaken
words for cliffs

Obstacles abound

Climbing above,
going around.

The view isn't
from the top-down

I'm on the ground.

Why can't I
function?

I don't wanna
be trapped

in a mental
dungeon.

I tell her,
"I'm sorry."

But really,

I'm full of sorrow.

Sorrow locked
inside a cage.

Sorrow hidden
within the rage.

She says that
I'm a fighter.

But, I know
I lack might.

What use is
a fighter
ready to lay down
for the night?

Why am I like this?

I already told
someone else,

"I'm not a bird.
I don't fly."

But I wish
I could.

She says she
wants me
to be free...

That I'd be
a bird
without a song.

And isn't a bird
without a song
one that can't fly?

Isn't a bird
caged for too long
and been
so wronged,
one that can't
fly high?

Cry
on
paper

while
tears
flow

through a
pencil.

Look deep inside.

Listen.

Stand still.

Understand.

This
is part of
nature.

There's a word
called "deserve"
I believe should
be unheard

It's a word
that's a lie
and has caused
lives to die.

The ones that
gave up hope
before hanging
from a rope

Cause of a lesson
they were taught
Falsehoods taken to heart
Hollow and distraught
while falling apart

"I don't deserve love"

This unholy lie
isn't from above.

Love is a need.
A message one
should heed.

Ironically so,
I'll say this
before I go,

"'Deserve' deserves to die."

This is a horrible word.
One that never
should've been heard.

I don't know this feeling.
All I know is that
I'm drowning...

Drowning
in a mixture of
bliss and agony...

Love?  
Is that it?
Because, if so, then...

Oh my ******* God...
is this ever so confusing?!

10 years

20 years

30 years

40 years

50 years?!

Wow...
um...

That's a really long time.

Will it last?
No ******* clue.

But still,
when you
find someone
who
meshes beautifully
with your quirks,
You at least have to try...

Right?

I know what you're thinking...
"I can't do it."

"I'm scared."

"What if something happens?"

I understand.
You're bruised.

I guess some people
never got the message,
"Hearts aren't punching bags."

Those *******
don't deserve you!

But, you know who does?
Someone who respects you.

A person
who
sees your worst
and still *******
loves you.

And
if anything,
I'm sure
they're close by.

Why does
it hurt?

All that
I've lost

and

All that
I've gained

But still,

I sit
inside this
pain.

I want to die.
But I don't
even try
to say
Goodbye.

Why did you do that to her?
Why did you leave her in the dark?
After all, you were beautiful to her.
Why did you destroy the light in her heart?

This is maddening.

I want to understand.

What could she
have done to keep you there?

But instead, you strayed...
Leaving her betrayed...

Now, we've found each other

Two broken hearts melding together

Segments of our cracked souls breathe new life.

It's unacceptable to bring her such strife

I know you are still the same, Deceiver of Hearts.

Nothing will ever change.

But when musings
of your obscenities
intrude my conscience,

My soul feels her pain.

I am safe.
I am protected.

You are safe.
You are protected.

If there is fear,
it is okay.

Courage is here.

We are safe.
We are protected.

My surroundings
reflect
all of the
craziness
in my
mind.

Where do I start?

Where do I go?

How do I keep
my demons
under control?

Perhaps,
I should
put a noose
around their neck
and
pull tighter
every time
one takes over.

Because I want to thrive!

Who wants to be
lost in
the cage
that holds them?

I want to
articulate words together
in a
beautiful and eloquent way.

I want the world
to listen
as my thoughts
dance on paper.

Freedom
isn’t this
daily grind
society
forces us into…

But, alas!
We must work.  

We have to do something.

Don’t we?

We have
bills to pay
and
children to feed.

Should we
give up hope?

This is unfair!
And, yes.
I’m mad.
I am so…
Ugh!

I can’t find the words.  
Isn’t that typical?

A poet so lost
in thought
that their poetry
resembles a bowl of
alphabet soup
that
spilled onto the page…

Word *****---  that’s what it is.

But, what about this daily grind?

Society slaves
away
at corporations.

Is that my fate?  
Is that what I have to do?
  
Because God…
and
I only
use that as
an expression…

This is not what I want!
  
Do I really have to
slave away
at the bottom
of the pit
before pursuing
all of my dreams?
  
Do I need to
work jobs
that will only
leave me more
lifeless?
  
Oh, and by way…

Why would anyone
want me to
work for them?
  
I complain a lot,
but for good reasons.  

The world
is
cruel
and
unfair.

As children,
we are
full of life,
curiosity,
and joy.
  
Somewhere
down the line,
that changes.

We laugh.

We cry.

We sing.

We shout.  

We hurt.

We play.

We work.

and

We forget about ourselves.

We
become cynical
because of
our life experiences.

We’re told
we are special,
but then
we find others
who are more special.

How
are we
supposed to feel?  

How
could anyone be
happy with this?

And,
I feel like
I don’t make sense...
but
Dear Reader,
please forgive me.

I’m
a ball of
cotton candy
mixed with
a load of sprinkles
on top of a
cake.

I
know
that’s random.

You
don’t have to
tell me.
  
It’s the
thoughts
that came to
mind.

I’m silly.  

I’m serious.

I’m a curious child.  

I’m a cynical adult.

I’m full of empathy,
but
I’m also a face of misanthropy.

I’m a dreamer…
but I get
pulled down
to
Earth
too often.
  
I am light.  

I am dark.  

I am  
one part
“Yes, I can!”

and

one part
“No, I can’t…”

I am
the voice
that
screams within.
  
I am
The Contradicting Soul

and

I
will not fit
into
society’s mold.

Keep me safe.

Keep me warm.

All through the night,
let's weather the storm.

No hands have
held my heart
as you have held mine.

But in the morning,
fear will rise.

Strike it down.

For it, I despise.

It's been awhile
since you had
anything to say

I try to
reach out

but I fear
you want me
to go away

So I guess
I'll give you space
and try not to
let my mind race

But I miss
your company
and the smile
upon your face

You won't break me.
You won't bring me down.
I am free.
I won't be pushed
to the ground.
Your false concern
has no place here.
Your words turned
into a malicious knife,
But you won't bring me fear.
I don't need you in my life.

This doesn't feel right.

I don't wanna
feel this way.

Because every time I do,

I hate it.

It never feels okay.

I always lose
this stupid fight.

Why do I try?

Why do I muster
my strength and might?

I don't wanna meet
someone without
being a whole.

Companionship is important

but

I don't wanna be
a half-empty person
with a half-assed soul.

I don't wanna need
someone else.

That feels wrong.

Give me independence.

Then let me
revel in it...

So I can be strong.

I don't wanna
make that
mistake again.

I don't wanna
feel suffocated
inside that pain.

I hate it.

Every moment
of it, wretched.

It's never
how they say
it should feel.

It's not real.

Just add it
to the list
of things I dread.

Soft kisses
in summer rain

sprinkle upon
thy lips in vain.

Let me ride
through the pain.

I need my fears
to be slain.

Somber pieces
float away

Rainbows
of the night

Colors dipped
in gray

Is it safe
to pray?

Why must
we fight?

This only leads
astray.

Dreams
are bound
by our
atmosphere.

Hidden
behind sight

Underneath
they appear.

Everything I've wished for
is at the door.

Knocking...

Ever so softly
longing
to be here

But I'm hiding away

My heart-shaped box is lost.

The key...
discarded.
One day I'm certain
of exactly what I want
Then, I awake
and change again.

I'm a walking contradiction.

My thoughts flip
like a switch.

I'm a recipe for disaster.

Oil and water,
Always repelling myself.

I'll escape far
away from here.

Away from the world,
Is all I've ever known.

But I'm not a bird.
I don't fly.

I'm grounded.
It's impossible.

But can my heart fly?
Can it be free?

Will someone protect it
and not break it?

I'm not so sure.

Poisoned by my fears,
Rejection is all I know

So, reject the world I will.

But I want to belong.

So, find the box.
Break it.
Destroy it.
And reveal to me
my truest self.