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Feb 2016 · 619
How To Live
Corlene Beukes Feb 2016
His mouth tasted like cigarette smoke and lies.
He told me of my beauty and the freckles in my eyes.
He held me like all the broken pieces could just be remade.
Out of his mind shone a darkness that enveloped me; that remained.

With teeth as sharp as the truth
he would kiss me through
to the otherness that is me.

With hands as lithe as the night sky
he would lead me toward sin;
toward the part of me always hidden within.

With lips as supple as the wings of a bird
he would whisper to me
"oh, my sweet, sweet love, just give in to me; just let it be."

And I did.

With each kiss.
With each touch.
With each whisper.
With each cigarette.

I gave in to him.
To sin.
To night.
To life.

He was the death of me but he taught me how to live.
Dec 2015 · 684
Good Will
Corlene Beukes Dec 2015
In the perpetual midnight hour
of a life too long
comes a sudden pause
that takes even the most strong.

In the stars
and in the trees;
in the wildest fantasies
the rhythm of my heart
seeks to know
the reason only yours to own.

The stories of your presence
has tainted my ears;
your sweetness has left my heart in tears.
The talks travel wide,
they travel deep,
as if through sunlight,
into my darkest soul,
they do seep.

The light, it burns; it scatches and sears.
It cuts right through these sculptured bones
- out come my secrets and my fears.
And as it does the work it wants,
my mind keeps running further off.
You deserve more than this.
You deserve more than me.
But just this once I must plead...

...come to me now,
for I am ill.
Come to me now,
if only for my good will.

Alas.
In the words of birds
and in the songs of gypsies
I have looked and found none;
save for knowing: in the last and final hour,
this life and its meaning,
without your touch, will ever sour,
making my world come undone.

For there is no more a song to sing;
there is no more left for a sigh to breathe.
In the darkness of the night,
as my truest soul seeks light,
I catch the last breath and hold it near,
and think "If I don't find you soon,
the worst, I do fear".
Corlene Beukes Oct 2015
We are all doing things
we said we'd never do.
Inhaling poison while staring at bright flamed rings
and loving boys with eyes of the bluest blue.

We are all doing things
we said we'd never do.
Living without breathing; without dreaming
and going by unnoticed but screaming.

We are all doing things
we said we'd never do.
For instance, you are loving her
and I'm thriving without you.

We are all doing things
we said we'd never do.
But my rebellion is forever eclipsed
in your immaculate halo-ed hue.
Oct 2015 · 373
9
Corlene Beukes Oct 2015
9
I wish I knew a time
where Time should still;
so I could ask her
what she wants in her will.

I wish I knew a time
where I could share tea with Love;
so I could ask him
if I will ever be enough.

I wish I knew a time
where Luck was at my door;
so I could ask them
how I can ensure I will be more.

I wish I knew a time
where your eyes were meeting mine;
so I can tell you
that with you I find myself on cloud nine.
Oct 2015 · 290
Demons, go.
Corlene Beukes Oct 2015
I want to run away to a brighter day.
I want to see myself be okay.
I want to live a care-free life.
I want to slit my wrists with a kitchen knife.

I need to feel like I can breathe.
I need to know no one wants to leave.
I need to feel the night fade to light.
I need to see my red blood, burn bright.

I have to know that you will not forget.
I have to be able to pay my debt.
I have to be the spark in your fire.
I have to bleed so you don't think me a liar.

There are many things in this world
that have me fold in on myself;
that have me, on the floor, curled.
And the only way out,
that I know is, into the world,
let them bleed; let my demons go.
Oct 2015 · 635
Once Upon a Dream
Corlene Beukes Oct 2015
At night, when the stars gleam,
I see you in this particular dream.

You are across the street
with soft snow building around your feet.
My hands grow cold as I open a cafe door.
I slip on ice and slide across the floor.

You rush forward as if you were waiting for me.
I get caught in your eyes as my body meets its to be.

You speak and my ears sing.
I giggle and my hair gets caught in your ring.

When the door closes
duplicate snowflakes land on our noses.
We feel the spark
and a fire lights up the lonely dark.

We become friends and our fondness grows.
We are lovers, losing ourselves in linen-fresh throws.

Our lips get kissed.
Our bodies share breath.
We learn what it is to be missed.
We learn of everyone who had ever  left.

And as the dream comes to a close,
we are dancing in our street, rosy nose to rosy nose.

I wake with the sense that my soul met its mate.
I don't know you
and there are many doors until I will
but know,
for our little dance in our street,
I will never dare be late.
Oct 2015 · 526
I Know Now
Corlene Beukes Oct 2015
As the raindrop
rushed down
to fall
on my hair,
I imagined
you knowing
that I know
you don't care.

As the water
drenched
my chestnut
strands,
I saw you
kiss her
and exchange
your wedding bands.

As the liquid
soaked
through
my scalp,
I closed my eyes
to not
completely
extinguish your bulb.

As the ice
entered
and turned
my heart,
I gripped
at the memory
of your eyes,
cold and hard.

Your ice
destroyed
the only trust
I had;
forever now
life will be lived
lonely;
never again glad.
I know now he cheated on me.
Oct 2015 · 259
You
Corlene Beukes Oct 2015
You
When I write
you don't reply.
When I call
you ignore me.

When I think of you
I know you're not thinking of me.

I feel like I wasted
enough time.
I want to not need you
anymore.
Sep 2015 · 1.0k
Bright Red Bow
Corlene Beukes Sep 2015
Tie me up
with a bright red bow.
Go and tell them all
how much I did not know.

Place pebbles on my lids,
with bright blue eyes to stare.
Find and reveal my children
in galaxies of dreams I could not bear.

Wrap my blue body, tight,
for the red fire to burn.
Put me in the heat, white,
so I can finally take my turn.

But, please remember...

...cover my wrists;
just knot silk around them; red with ties.

...cover my scars
so no one may
know
I wanted to die.
Sep 2015 · 376
Life With You Is Fun
Corlene Beukes Sep 2015
I smiled for the first time in a year
the day I met you.

I laughed for the first time in a year
the day I told you about him.

I giggled for the first time in a year
the day I fell in love with you.

Yes,
life with you is fun.
Sep 2015 · 309
You feel like...
Corlene Beukes Sep 2015
You feel like home to me.
You feel like waking up on a Sunday and the first thing you hear
is precious raindrops on the roof.
You feel like poems and songs coming to life.
You feel like opening a new book
and drinking in the scent of the pages.

You feel like walking into an old friend
on a Saturday afternoon.
You feel like babies giggling;
sunlight filtering in between curtains, drawn.

You feel like sweaters and woollen socks.
You feel like inching my little finger towards yours,
as popcorn and big screen movies take over our souls.
You feel like an accidental brush of skin between lovers.

You feel like fresh linen against soft skin.
You feel like coffee on the porch with family.
You feel like my first kiss under the stars.
You feel like my eyes seeing the setting sun.
You feel like an ocean breeze playing with salty hair.
You feel like warm smiles and loving embraces.

You feel like exciting nights between newly-weds.
You feel like swinging higher and higher,
until your stomach fills with winged creatures.
You feel like leaves turning green; blossoms blossoming.

You feel like milkshakes and first dates.
You feel like tea with honey and roaring fires.

You feel like I will be drinking
you in
for the rest
of our lives.
Sep 2015 · 426
It's Us.
Corlene Beukes Sep 2015
I am here and I am with you.
It's silent and quiet
with our heartbeats
syncronised.

It's me and you,
light and dark,
in a world seemingly
made for us.

It's us and them,
life and loss,
combined in a
perfect circle.

It's new and fresh.
It's old and familiar.
It's us.

And I am so happy
I didn't die
before I met you.

It's me loving you.
It's you caring for me.
It's both of us,
finally finding
what our souls
longed for.

I think I'm ready for this.
Sep 2015 · 284
Only Yours
Corlene Beukes Sep 2015
I would like to be only yours.

There was a time when
guys like you
scared me.

So sweet and innocent
with a love that broke
through my walls
at a moment's notice.

I would walk into your eyes
and I would see my stars align.
I would run away from your touch
but your absence made me feel lost.

There was a time when
guys like you scared me.

So loving and good for me;
with a soul that replenished mine.

I would be caught unaware
by one of your longing stares.
I would notice your goodness
penetrating my brokenness.

I want to stay
but I only know how to run away.

There was a time when
guys like you scared me.

So beautifully whole and pure,
with a heart that loved silent conversations.

I would leave your embrace
with thoughts that saw
me through the night.

There was a time when
guys like you scared me.

...But recently I have seen me open
doors to let you in;
dusting shelves
that have long been forgotten.

So I would like you to know,
I'm not scared anymore...
Sep 2015 · 474
My Last Breath
Corlene Beukes Sep 2015
The first time I saw you was nothing special.
We greeted each other.
We smiled politely
and exchanged names.

But then I saw you again
and my world shifted.
You brought on change
with a single name.

I want to know you
so that I can never forget you.

Because I breathed deep
for the first time
in a long,
drowing,
suffocating,
airless year.

I saw light for the first time
in a really long while.
I was screaming soundless tears.
And for the first time
in my weirdly extraordinary life,
I was heard.

You ease my heartbreak.
You give me life.
I just need one more thing:
all of you, for forever.

I want your naked, bare, raw self;
I will love every bit,
until my last breath.
Sep 2015 · 303
Again
Corlene Beukes Sep 2015
If ever there was you and me,
I would treasure it always.

You are my sun, my moon, and stars.
I want to be the air you breathe,
the force that keeps you here.
I want to love you like neither of us were ever broken.

It would forever be us against the world.

I want to see your secret dreams;
your unadulterated thoughts.
I want to know you better
than the sun knows light.

I can't wait to meet your lips.
But I can't want this anymore.

I need you, now,
like a writer needs ink;
like a poet needs love.

I want to be whole again.
And I need you to be
the glue that keeps
me together.

And when that glue holds
and dries,
I know I will never feel this want;
this need, again.
Sep 2015 · 228
Away
Corlene Beukes Sep 2015
Tell me foreign rhymes.
Tell me strange tales.

Write them on my heart with your gentle touch.
Write them on my skin with your pink lips.

Tell me of lands far away.
Tell me of lovers that went away.
Sep 2015 · 273
Who?
Corlene Beukes Sep 2015
Who will love me enough to never leave;
to adore me completely?

Who will be the one to sing my soul's songs
when I forget the melody and disregard the words?

Who will be the one to whom
my life I will wed?

Who will be the man who will look at me
like maybe I am the last shred of magic in the world?
Sep 2015 · 1.0k
My Strange Boy
Corlene Beukes Sep 2015
You're riding in a car
with a strange boy.
His hands are on the wheel
while yours are shaking.

You're driving through time
with your heart right next to you.
His eyes are the bluest blue
and they mirror your thoughts.

You're sleeping with eyes wide-open;
your dreams become reality.
His hair halos in the sun; makes you wonder
what could possibly come from this.

I was driving in a car with a strange boy;
with my heart by my side;
in a sleepless dream;
wondering what could be,
but it was clear
that you were not made for me.
Aug 2015 · 927
Tea bags
Corlene Beukes Aug 2015
You took everything from me, Mr No Name.
You took everything from me, Mr I Take What I Want.
You took everything from me, Mr She Wanted It.
You took everything from me, Mr Her Cries Were Born From Pleasure.
You took everything from me, Mr Dark Burned Into My Mind.
You took everything from me, Mr Clothed and Untouched.
You drank all of my essence and now I am a tea-bag, drained.
Aug 2015 · 1.1k
Drip.
Corlene Beukes Aug 2015
it starts slowly.
drip. drip. drip.
cells stand in line.
drip. drip. drip.
thoughts pack their things.
drip. drip. drip.
air collects its children.
drip. drip. drip.

the opening in front them,
like a gaping wound,
beckons and gleams.

cells, thoughts, air
stumble against
the throngs of others.

it stops slowly.
drip. drip. drip.
cells leave their line.
drip. drip. drip.
thoughts lose their luggage.
drip. drip. drip.
air abandons its children.
drip. drip. drip.
Aug 2015 · 641
I Belong
Corlene Beukes Aug 2015
Your little finger met mine
and I died a little at your touch.
Your ring finger twisted around mine
and I shut my eyes in pleading prayer.
Your ******* joined
and I held my breath until I saw stars.
Your index finger entangled my right hand in your left
and I let a tear slip from the corner of my eye.
Your thumb brushed the back of my hand
and I went - quietly and in my sleep.

Fingerprint upon fingerprint my sadness drifted into your grooves.

A gentle pull on my sleeve
and your arm enveloped my entirety.
A brief moment passed
and I slipped my hand on to your bare chest.
My pieces fell into place.

With the last piece comfortable,
the tears came rushing out.
This is where I belong.

That is where I am to be only once.
He doesn't like me like I love him.
Jul 2015 · 894
Depression
Corlene Beukes Jul 2015
Everything hurts.
Everything is numb.

Everything is heightened.
Everything is dull.

Everything is lacking.
Everything is too much.

Everything was me,
but now everything is nothing.
Apr 2015 · 407
lived to die
Corlene Beukes Apr 2015
Black as night
Dark as day
Is the soul
That was betrayed

The white of lies
The red in her eyes
Tell of a life
Lived to die
Mar 2015 · 397
Q and A
Corlene Beukes Mar 2015
Today I searched:
how to make the pain stop,
how to breathe again,
how to not drown in tears,
how to make it go away.

Their answer:
you.
Mar 2015 · 1.0k
Past Present Future You
Corlene Beukes Mar 2015
At that moment,
you were a metaphor;
a face,
a mask,
for everything
I need, desire.

At the moment,
you are my scapegoat;
a place to go,
a direction in which to throw
everything
he should've been.

In that moment,
you will rise to my smile;
my eyes,
my heart
to be all
I deserve.
Feb 2015 · 1.5k
brick by brick
Corlene Beukes Feb 2015
As i wept the stories i cannot tell
you calmed my foundation and
held together by your strength
gritted teeth and your nerve
i was saved as brick by brick
your words rebuilt me.
Feb 2015 · 745
half awake
Corlene Beukes Feb 2015
one day
between sheets and tea
i will tell you of the way
i dreamed of you with me

there will be laughs and tears
and potholes and fears
but you will look at me
and i'll just let it all be
Jan 2015 · 353
How?
Corlene Beukes Jan 2015
It was seared onto my body;
your touch, so incredibly gentle.

It was engraved into my bones;
your scent, so powerfully fierce.

It was pierced through my soul;
your innocence, so magnificently pure.

So how can I love someone else?
Jan 2015 · 645
I Am Not Good
Corlene Beukes Jan 2015
I am not good.
I am not good
at this thing
- we call it Life.

I wish I could
stop dreaming
this big.
But I shall not.

I wish I could
explore the souls
of all who exist(ed).
But I can not.

I wish I could
make you out
of clay and feathers.
But I will not.

For I am a dreamer of impossibilities.
and I am merely one natural girl.
For you are one of my improbabilities,
and there you are
- my untainted pearl;
my gift from an invaded world.

So, I may not be good,
but I feel that is better.
Dec 2014 · 451
When I Fell In Love
Corlene Beukes Dec 2014
His eyes were closed.
His lips were on mine.

In that moment
I was completely still.

Then they started creeping in.
His demons explored my soul.

I could feel his madness,
and I could taste his sadness;
that is when
I fell in love.
Dec 2014 · 1.3k
When You Smoke
Corlene Beukes Dec 2014
You and I set my heart alight.

Like the fire we play with when you smoke.

Like the fire around which I felt I could kiss you forever.

Like the fire our lips started the first time yours met mine.

Like the fire of all those memories

...that's what's happening in my heart each time your eyes meet mine.
Dec 2014 · 334
That Moment
Corlene Beukes Dec 2014
the moment i looked into your eyes,
i could see the sadness.
it was deep and raw.
it was indicative of all your madness.

i dreamed of healing your pain;
of being your saving grace.
I dreamed of holding you close
-blissful in sweet repose.

I imagined us laughing and kissing,
snuggling and reading,
crying and struggling.
i thought of all of this

the moment that I looked into your eyes.
Dec 2014 · 474
Sickly Sweet
Corlene Beukes Dec 2014
He smelled sweet -brandy and some other liquor.
He spoke words I wanted to hear,
with his fingers crossed in his mind,
while he intertwined his hands in mine…
It was everything I ever wanted,
but everything I was not going to get.
He was as sickly sweet as he smelled,
and I know now that I had to know then
that a breath of brandy
will never be the kiss you wanted.
Dec 2014 · 456
The Numbers That Count
Corlene Beukes Dec 2014
Sixty
the months we shared.

Twenty-seven
the day I first saw you.

Thirteen
our birthdays tied us together.

Seven
days to know that I love you.

Two
months I waited for you to say it first.

One
regret: not letting go sooner.
Dec 2014 · 318
If Only
Corlene Beukes Dec 2014
Appreciate her
and what you have.
Just love her.
Words to live by.

It took me
breakingtearingsmashing
my whole world
for you to read a book.

You never loved me
not like I do you.

Now I have realised
that to pursue you
is not what I want
anymore.

If only you loved me
like I do you.
Dec 2014 · 566
The Complete You
Corlene Beukes Dec 2014
I hope for a time of freedom
and liberation from you.

I hope for a time when your words
will not matter and your thoughts, too.

I hope for a time to bring new love
and memories that will push you away.

You never pushed.
You never pulled.
You sat there
while I scrambled.

All I asked was to be loved
the way I did you -unconditionally.

So, yes, I dare to hope for someone
the opposite of the complete you.
Dec 2014 · 643
Cross
Corlene Beukes Dec 2014
There hangs a cross
in my room,
of wire, shoe polish,
and of you.

A heavenly sign
sent from above,
it brought life and
it brought love.

There hangs a cross
in my room,
of wire, shoe polish,
and of you.

An ungodly sign
with a history of blood
that now brings death and
now brings a grudge.
Dec 2014 · 530
Between Here and There
Corlene Beukes Dec 2014
I was looking
for you
in the eyes of another.
You weren't there.

Still I went back.

I spoke of you
to his dreams
as he drunk of your water.
You weren't there.

Still I went back.

I felt the roughness
of your touch
in his kiss.
Soon it exploded.

Still I went back.

You were never there.
You never came back.
You were always fading.
But still I went back.

For you will never leave
for you are always here.
Dec 2014 · 1.3k
Lily of the Valley
Corlene Beukes Dec 2014
It was lily white
on the darkest black,
as we slept,
intertwined.

It was lily white
covering the darkest black,
when you saw my
deepest inside.

It was lily white
piercing the darkest black,
as your mouth
touch my thigh.

It is the darkest black
drowning lily white
when my thoughts turn
to whoever is kissing you.
Dec 2014 · 523
Pyromaniac
Corlene Beukes Dec 2014
I fell in love with a pyromaniac.
The way he lit my heart on fire
and danced in the ashes
of a distant memory.

The way he lit my mind with words
of warmth and comfort
and reveled in the red shine
of my cheeks.

The way he burned down and destroyed
centuries of ice and cold and
loved every
destructive blow.

Still a pyromaniac does not know
when to stop and
soon
he lost control.

Now his fire is my ruin
and his words my downfall.

He ran from the ashes
of a girl he coaxed
from the recesses
of her cold self.

Still I ran after
and burned myself on the way.
Dec 2014 · 490
Easy
Corlene Beukes Dec 2014
Was I that easy to forget?
Were my kisses just merely that?
Was my love that weak?
Were you just that cheap?

Because I remember you
scent.
lips.
love.

You have forgotten.
moved on.
seen new ones.
been stripped clean.

You never thought I was right
but here it is; in my darkest day
my correct answer shining bright.
I loved more; now what can I say?
Dec 2014 · 420
Life
Corlene Beukes Dec 2014
As the cold circle closes in on my back,
I shut my eyes.
In a soundless world
the deafening click can be heard.

She places the cold against my skin
and my body responds by leaning in.
It cuts, not unpleasantly, into me.
Time slows to nothing
as the life-giving bullet travels
at the speed of my thoughts.

It pierces.
It punctures,
It relieves.
It revels.

As I fall I turn.
I open my eyes
and stare at my salvation.
It was Life.

It was Life
that killed me.

— The End —