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I've been looking in the mirror recently.
I'm not sure I like what I see.
These big eyebrows? Yes.
That mole? Yes.
Brown eyes? Glasses? Yes.
Mine, mine, me.
But I swear there's something different in that mirror
That I just can't see.
That thing in my reflection?
It's really not me.
I've been confused about my gender recently
Jul 2016 · 398
Promise?
Silly, really.
Seven letters on a screen
Shouldn't mean so much to me.


Promise?
Jun 2016 · 339
Untitled
I want to cut myself
Away from everything.
Out of people's lives.
They won't notice;
They never do.
I want to isolate myself bit there's one person I can't, won't, and don't want to isolate myself from; my Shadow.
May 2016 · 348
Untitled
Can we forget
Last night ever
Happened?

I don't want to
Feel it anymore.

I don't want to
Feel anything
Anymore
I'm sick of emotions
May 2016 · 461
Tried
I was bored
I was broken
So I tried what
You said works.
Numb your skin
With ice so it doesn't
Hurt when you cut yourself


My heart was a bird trying to
Escape my aching ribs and
I shook like a dead leaf
As I pressed the blade
To my skin, and it
Was so numb
It scared
Me
So
B
A
D
.
.
How could you ever bring yourself
To do that in the first place?
I'm just scared of cutting too deeply and leaving too bad of a scar. You just want to see blood. I want everything that comes with the touch of a blade. I hate when I can't feel something because it reminds me of being internally numb and it's terrifying
May 2016 · 1.3k
Silly Bird
A bird flew and it's head
Smacked into my window.
It tried again, and again,
As I sit in awe of its blind
Determination..
Silly bird, don't you know
The satisfaction of perhaps
Entering my room isn't
Worth the headache
May 2016 · 851
White Lies
Last night you asked
What I was doing.
I didn't lie,
But I didn't tell the
whole truth.
You aked what I was doing. I said I was drawing butterflies. It was more like carving them into my leg
May 2016 · 349
My Lullaby
The blood is barely dry,
The blood is barely dry.
My arm is cut
And swollen pink
The blood is barely dry.

The blood is barely dry,
The blood is barely dry.
I draw a line
Right down my arm
The blood is barely dry.
Apr 2016 · 347
Untitled
I got blood on your flannel,
It's seeping through my pants
And it's on my phone screen
I hope I stop bleeding soon
Before people can see it.
I don't want them to know
What I've been doing in the bathroom stall here at school.
I don't want you to know either.
I'm sorry
Mar 2016 · 384
[5:51 a.m.]
I woke up with a thirst for blood

                  I woke up wanting to see that flash of silver

Followed by the beading red

                  I woke up with a thirst for my blood

If I give in I'll hurt you

                   I'm sorry I hurt you
Mar 2016 · 398
Midnight, exactly
Your shirt is my pillowcase
As I stare at the ceiling
In hopes that sleep will take me in her embrace
And if she happens to be in a fowl mood
I will have you there to protect me from the demons she throws at me
Mar 2016 · 446
{12:30 a.m.}
I promised you I'd sleep
But instead I'm holding back screams

I promised you I'd be okay
But I've fallen harder than I have in two months

I promised you I'd stay clean
And sweetheart, I'm trying
I'm trying so ******* hard but I don't think I'll make it through the night without something to show for it. I'm sorry
Mar 2016 · 352
6:45 p.m.
I want to tell you something,
But I don't know how
So I'll just say it here:

I forgot there were butterflies on my wrist
Until it was too late
I guess I technically broke my clean again. I just scratched myself a lot with a safety pin. That was only because I didn't have a screwdriver to take apart my pencil sharpener and also my bowie knife was across the room from me
Mar 2016 · 1.3k
counting, counting, 123
I remember just a year ago
when I was counting
because there were so few
that I could number them
Mar 2016 · 357
deep breaths
Deep breaths
I n  y o u r  n o s e
O u t  y o u r  m o u t h
Count to 10
And over again.
Settle your nerves,
Set up barriers,
And fall into welcoming numbness
Mar 2016 · 380
a cycle
It's just a cycle, a routine,
I get to his house and he starts to yell.
He shouts and he calls me names
As my tears burn my cheeks.
He taunts me for letting myself be bullied in the 4th grade
He insults my mother for going through 2 boyfriends in 10 years
He leaves the room and gets high
And comes back later as angry as ever.
He yells some more,
Threatens to hit me,
Sometimes he does.
Then he leaves and comes back later
All happy and bubbly and sweet.
He apologizes and I accept, although I know I shouldn't.
I know I should stand up
I know I should take charge
I know I should put my foot down,
Say "enough is enough" and call my mom,
But a part of me chooses not to
A part of me feels guilty
A part of me feels bad for even considering leaving.
I know he can't help it, he snaps so easily.
Let me tell you,
Living with a drunk bipolar man with anger issues when he smokes ***
Is utter hell sometimes
my dad has been emotionally and verbally abusive but i've been too scared to leave and go to my mom's more because he tends to guilt-trip people
Feb 2016 · 385
do i really have to?
do i really have to try
do i really have to lie

do i really have to stand
do i really have to try to be grand

do i really have to live
do i really have to give

do i really have to die
do i really have to say good-bye

...

yes

...

i really have to try
i don't have to lie

i have to stand
i have the chance to be grand

i can really live
i finally get to give

i have to eventually die
but i don't have to say good-bye

at least not just yet
the two sides of my personality. they take turns taking over, sometimes they go back-and-forth throughout the day, and sometimes they stay in control for weeks at a time
Feb 2016 · 704
make a million out of three
if only i had but three wishes,
for i would give up a million of them
to see you be truly and utterly happy for a day
It was 2 am and we were exhausted,
Our bodies pressed together.
But neither of us wanted to close our eyes
For fear of the distance that would come with the rising sun
Feb 2016 · 413
dancing in the rain
spinning with arms held aloft
delicately dancing and laughing.
the rain falling down, down, down,
a laugh ringing out to fill the silence.
a blissful moment of absolute freedom,
and timid joy,
as i dance in the rain
to a song only i can hear.
just a moment in between classes at school. it was raining and the parking lot was empty so i danced to the music in my head.
Feb 2016 · 795
Plastic
There are the people who see me smile my plastic smile
And don't realize it's fake
Because its all they've ever seen.

There are people who see my plastic smile
And don't realize it's fake
Even though they've witnessed the smiles that reach my eyes.

There are people who see my plastic smile
And know that it's a fake
Because they've seen me when I'm happiest.

There are people who see my plastic smile
And ask if something is wrong
The problem is, I almost always lie.
Feb 2016 · 519
What I Never Say
I'm sorry.
I just can't right now.
I can't sit back and pretend any more.
I'm not going to pretend to be happy for you.
And I'm sorry.
Because this means I can't talk to you,
At least for right now.
You're being too cheery
And I can't take it.
So I'll have to go for now,
But maybe I'll come crawling back to you at midnight,
Dried salty tears and blood staining my skin
As I beg for you to forgive me.
I'm sorry,
I just can't right now.
Jan 2016 · 278
for you
i'm only trying for you.
i didn't want to stop
but you asked me to,
so i'm trying for you.
Jan 2016 · 375
Untitled
I like the feeling of control I get
When I cut in a straight line down my arm.
Never deep enough to ****,
Only seep enough to bleed
Jan 2016 · 299
one place
there is one place
where i feel safe.

there is one place
where i can feel comfortable in my own skin.

there is one place
where i can comfortably expose my scars.

there is one place
where i can be myself.

there is one place
where i can feel needed.

there is one place
where i can be free.

there is one place
where i can forget my troubles.

there is one place
where i can finally feel sane.

there is one place
where i can stop feeling so alone.

there is one place
where i can stop feeling numb.

there is one place
where i can feel my sadness melt away.

there is one place,
and one place only.
can you guess where it is?
It's a whimper
It's a pain
    In my stomach
     In my brain
It's a lung full of air
I don't want to breathe.
Watch, Watch. See what it does to me
It's a drumbeat (not my heart)
Tap-tap-tapped out on my thigh
Eyes glazed and staring
Fixed, unblinking, into space
Hands shaking unable to
Stay still
Teeth digging into chapped lips
Hoping to peel the skin
Nails leaving crescent marks on
Palms on
Arms on
Face on
Neck
Teeth grinding to
Cover the noise
The yelling
The crying cover your ears and it doesn't help
Brain overloaded woth
Facts and thoughts and
Memories: themoonshiningbrightasthesunhandsbleachedwhiteundertheglareasyous­truggletospeaktoformwordsorcoherentthoughtsuntilyoucan finally breathe again
Deep breaths calm down
Bucket-fulls of air burning your lungs
Eyes rolling in their sockets
Blinking away tears
The mind goes blank
Wake up wake up wakeupwakeupwakeup
Wake up to
Patterns decorating
Your naked body
Marked with old scars and
Fresh blood
And you are finally calm
Jan 2016 · 436
Dream
last night I dreamt I held your hand in mine,
but when I woke my hand was empty.
it hasn't felt the same all day
Jan 2016 · 681
it will get better
"Why does life hurt so badly?" you asked.
And I needed a while to think before I answered...

Because you can't be cheered up until you've been sad
you can't be healed until you've been hurt
you can't wipe the tears away before you cry them
you can't rise until you've fallen
you can't learn until you make mistakes
and you can't have good without the bad.

And it's going to hurt,
But it will get better.
*It will always get better
i was talking to my girlfriend last night when she asked me that, so this was my reply
Jan 2016 · 364
lies
i hate working in customer service
because of how many times a day i have to lie
and i hate lying
how are you?
"I'm good"
Jan 2016 · 997
if i had one wish
if i had one wish to be granted,
i'd wish i could go back in time
to when you didn't hurt yourself
so i could offer you a hand
and a word of advice
"don't go down that road
because it's hard to travel
and even harder to go back"
i'm sorry you ever started self harming in the first place and i wish it had never happened
Jan 2016 · 274
will you...?
will you hold me in your arms forever?
will you keep me safe through the darkest of my nights?
will you catch me when i fall?
will you help me stay alive?
will you stay with me when i need you the most?
will you kiss my wounds in hopes to make them better?
will you let me cry on your shoulder if i need to?
will you put up with my insanity?
will you be the light guiding me to safety?
will you be strong with me?

you don't have to,

but even if you don't do this for me,
i'll do it for you.
Jan 2016 · 242
you
you
You* are the *air I breathe,
You are the earth upon which I walk,
You are the light pushing back the darkness.

*You are the one I love,
The one I need,
The one I live for
Jan 2016 · 592
the effect you have on me
When you speak I can't get your voice out of my head.
When you smile my heart skips a beat.
When you laugh my world lights up in brilliant shades and hues.
When you touch me the feeling lingers.
When you kiss me I still feel your lips on mine, even when you pull away.
When you pull me into your arms, I finally feel safe.
Jan 2016 · 1.4k
I'm Just a Hypocrite
I say you need to sleep
When I'm too scared to close my eyes and try

I say you can be strong
When later I fall on the ground, too weak to stand

I tell you everything will be okay
When I can't see past the darkness in my mind to know

I tell you to make sure you're eating three meals a day
When I've skipped 5

I tell you to take care of yourself
When I don't drink water and don't eat and get myself in dangerous situations

I tell you not to give in and to never give up
When I gave in ages ago, and give up on a daily basis

I tell you to keep in mind the fact that you are beautiful and loved
When I constantly feel like I'm just a speck of dirt on your shirt, about to be brushed away

I tell you you don't need to apologize for anything
When I am constantly apologizing to the demons in my mind
I'm just a hypocrite
Jan 2016 · 1.2k
sorry
I'm sorry I can be bossy and somewhat manipulative
I'm sorry I'm so demanding
I'm sorry I can be so negative
I'm sorry I hurt myself
I'm sorry I've hurt you
I'm sorry I'm such a crybaby, making a such a big deal about nothing
I'm sorry I can't just keep my mouth shut
I'm sorry I'm so bad at helping you
I'm sorry I can't put myslef back together
I'm sorry that you're going through what you are
I'm sorry I can't stay clean
I'm sorry everything is confusing
I'm sorry I can't be strong
I'm sorry I cried myslef to sleep last night
I'm sorry I ran out of tears
I'm sorry I'm so numb and empty
I'm sorry I can't pick myself up and continue on
I'm sorry I'm not skinny enough
I'm sorry I can't do anything right
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry I gave you any idea that I'm worth your time
I'm sorry I wrote this
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so
             so
                    sorry
I just want to feel something other than fear and numbness
"I'm bored"
Please tell me what to do so I won't hurt myslef
Please keep me happy because my demons are coming
Please distract me from myself
Please help hide me from my thoughts
Please just help me
Jan 2016 · 394
What I Say vs What I Mean
"I'm okay"
I'm gritting my teeth to keep myself from crying.
I'm curled up on the floor with a blade in my hand.
I'm numb and sick of it.
I'm too tired because I didn't get enough sleep last night.
I'm thinking about isolating myself from everyone.
I've been avoiding my friends at school.
I fell like I'm going to *****.
I'm so hungry because I skipped 5 meals.
I'm not okay.
Dec 2015 · 332
you have a wonderful mind
"my thoughts have aligned themselves as poetry"

*doesn't that make them even more beautiful?
Dec 2015 · 1.1k
selfish
would it be selfish of me to say
          *i can't help...
     i hurt too much
Dec 2015 · 337
One-Line Poem
i'm so used to looking down that it hurts to look up
Dec 2015 · 362
Now I've Found You
I've missed you, old friend.
I thought I had lost you forever,
And I didn't know what to do.
But now I have found you once more,
And we'll carve beautiful poetry
Without any words.
I thought each breath would be his last
As we stared in silent apprehension,
Willing the tears to leave
As his breaths grew more and more shallow
And further and further apart
Until I stroked his mangy coat for one last time
And he released his last strangled breath.
*Is this what it's like to die?
Bye Whitey Ford, it was nice knowing you and I hope you're suffering has ended
Dec 2015 · 776
Untitled
I fall more in love with you every day
          You can trust me when I say
                    I wouldn't have it any other way
Dec 2015 · 299
Untitled
Darling please don't leave my side,
For night is drawing near,
And I've nowhere to hide.

My demons are coming out to play.

They come out slowly, one by one,
And play until the rising sun.
You see, they dance, dance, dance,
Leaving me in a morbid trance.
You see, they sing, sing, sing,
Until I lose control of my breathing.

They push, push, push.
And they shove, shove, shove,
And they scream, scream, scream,
Until they get bored and leave.

They come again with blades
And soothing words
"This will help"
"It'll all be over soon"
Then they cut, cut, cut
Until they've had enough.
Then they kiss away my tears
And say "sleep tight"
"We'll be back tomorrow night"
Dec 2015 · 357
Untitled
I ran out of tears to cry
So I cried my blood
I'm sorry
Dec 2015 · 319
Untitled
i beat the **** out of my leg and try not to limp
i run a pen along my skin until it hurts
i dig my fingernails into my neck in the middle of class
i go into the bathroom and hope no one hears as i make myself bleed
im sorry
Dec 2015 · 359
My New Method
More convenient than a blade
And the mark isn't lasting
No scars are left
When my fist comes in contact
With my thigh
It isn't as satisfying in the moment though... oh well
Nov 2015 · 960
Strangely Beautiful
Isn't it odd
how beautiful the
image of blood
flowing off your
hand can be?
Nov 2015 · 333
I've Failed
How do you tell the one you love most of all
That you've failed?
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