I sat on that couch,
Sipping tea that made me gag, too sweet,
Feeling the the small blade in my back pocket,
Weighing me down, pulling me in,
And I cried.

"You're not depressed"
How would you know how I feel?
"Just a hormone imbalance"
You're not a doctor... I've only said a sentence.
I only said Four Words
I
Think
I'm
Depressed

You don't know the numbness drawing me in
You don't know how I can't feel my wrists
You don't know I'm almost constantly nauseous
You don't know how I wake up in the middle of the night crying
You don't know how I shake uncontrollably in fear when I think
You don't know how I can't look in the mirror without hating what I see
You don't know how I scream into my pillow, scared of myself and terrified of everything else

You just don't know.

How can you?

It's threatening to come out
To show itself.
The hate
The pain
The sorrow
The empty
Painting itself in red.
I don't want you to see it,
But if I don't do this right,
You just might

I'm an addict,
And I'm addicted to you.
You, my anti-depressant.
You, my painkiller.
And I'm addicted to you.

Chaste kisses
Behind their backs.

A wild attempt
To be alone together.

Grabbing your hand
As we walk out to our safe place.

Finding solace
In each other's company.

A constant reminder:
You are loved. You are strong.

Sad smiles faintly spread
Across tired faces.

And the purest of smiles
Perfectly poised like a dancer

As words shake themselves free
Of our lips and tongues.

Pure happiness
That comes and goes

Like the tide.
I love you

The scars on my wrists are fading.
I hope they don't return.

i wish i could tell you how much i love you
i wish i could put it into words on a page
or into a single kiss
i wish you could see how much you mean to me
i wish i could paint you a picture
with all my love
i wish you knew how much you mean to me

three words:
*I Love You

you say that i'm strong
but you're wrong

you say i'm stronger than you
but i have given in one too
many times

i am weak
you are strong

i see you as strong
i see myself as weak

you see me as strong
you see yourself as weak

quick!
change your costume
before they discover
what you really are

echoes fading
like words etched
on wet sand
about to be
pelted with
wave
after
wave
of salty water that
cascades like
tears on
pale cheeks
that fall
like raindrops
on dry earth
about to be
****** up and
buried
six
feet
under

Blades and Band-Aids,
Concealers and Pain Relievers,
Sleeping Pills and Abandoned Trills,
Tired Eyes and a Young Sunrise,
Friends That Can Care While I Despair.

Last night, I got kisses.
They weren't sweet kisses,
They weren't soft kisses.

They were sharp kisses,
They were swift kisses.
They were the kind of kisses that leave marks.

They were the kind of kisses that sting.
They were peppering kisses,
They were lightning kisses.

They were biting kisses,
They were a blade's kisses.
They were the kinds of kisses I regret.

They were the kinds of kisses that sting for days.
They were silver kisses,
They turned into red kisses.

They weren't my first kisses,
They weren't my last kisses.
Last night, I got kisses.