I withheld my breath as the shameful event appeared in front of me.
3 hearts died, yet their bodies were still standing.
How?
I learned, that one of those hearts had died long before this.
If I'd known, I might have saved him.
But my heart died too.
And unlike the others, my body gave.
Heavy, as it fell.
You can't catch yourself, I learned.

I cried a fearful tear as three hearts died.
Two bodies stood firm.
Their souls left weakened.
One the weakest
Until
His body died too.

I always wanted this
I had it
For a while I didn't know

We stuck together
Like a magnet
Everywhere we'd go

I notice now
That it's not me
It's not you who wanted to leave
It was her
Who taught you I was poison
How to know what to do
Well I know
I don't need a friend like you.

Always.
Always keeping my head above water.
Always feeling like I'm drowning in a sea of people.
The liberating lighthouse won't shine its light bright enough.
But maybe I just can't see it.
Always and forever.
A phrase once spoken between a flower and a ****.
Promising that they would someday soon become a beautiful bush.
Entwining their stems together knowing they both came from different roots.
It wouldn't be love they thought if they had it another way.
But weeds are already dead, and have been.
All ways.
All the ways it could have happened would have turned out the same way.
All the ways I tried I was constantly proving that I was somehow better.
I was somehow different that made me alien.
Always keeping my head above water.
Always.

He was broken.
She could see it even when he smiled.
He was a haunting melody.
One in which she wanted to change.
He was lost inside himself.
She gathered her flashlight and went on a search.
But he looked so happy.
She knew he wasn’t.
He told her his secret.
She didn’t flinch.
He was surprised by her.
*She didn’t leave.

As if a piece of wire,
He had cut me on the finger
His touch had gave me a new pain
One I had never felt.
But when he held me longer
My pain dissipated.
It wasn't pain at all.
It was unknown to me
But it left me in a bliss every time.
Like a piece of wire,
He had straightened me out
But there are always little curves
Unable to ever be fixed.
He molded me
Into a necklace
Into a ring
that said
Forever yours.

It's like I've lived a thousand lives
And I'm tired of goodbyes
I'm falling from the sky forever

I need to move on
I've done something wrong
Need to run, need to fly away

As long as my heart still beats
I have no way to see you
You're so far away

It's like I've loved a thousand times
Only one man on my mind
Running through my mouth
Need to walk, need to run away

Because as long as my heart still beats
As long as I still need you
I can't do a thing

All I need to say
Good night
Good night

Cuz I've loved a thousand times
I've live d a hundred lives

Do you think I'm good at it?
Being myself?
Being the opposite of you?
Do you think I'm good at it?
Managing my life?
Managing you?
Am I at least okay at it?
Letting flowers die?
Loving you?
Is it right for me to say?
That I hate him?
But never you?
Do you think I'm doing well?
Filling the holes
That he left
Is it okay?
To think you'll love me?
Forever kept?

Kept at the bottom of your teeth
Harshly swallowed
I hope my words
Give you a stomachache.

So this isn't a poem... But I've decided to ask on here (Instead of keep asking on instagram: @Maybeiloveyoutoo)
I'm looking for someone to do a collab with. Either poetry or a story. Right now I'm looking for a call & response kind of poetry collab. And for a story I'm open to ideas, just keep in mind writing crime and gore, or even ****** content is hard and uncomfortable for me.
So,  any takers? Just message me!
Any poems written will be put on my HelloPoetry and instagram account. And as for the story, if it is finished, I will put it on my Wattpad.
(Will give half credit to you)

I'll end this with an exert I just finished writing.
"Don't you want to fall in love?" She looked at him with hope in her eyes.
"Love is a fairytale," he replied, looking up to the evening sky.
"Fairytales don't sound so bad right now," she frowned. He looked down at her. His face showed no emotion.
"Yes, they do," he said, "If you go into a fairytale, then you won't see the reality that lies in front you."
"Then let me live a beautiful lie," she whispered.

I never meant to hurt her.
But I hate to see him shake.
I had never seen him cry.
But her eyes are full of hate.

He writes sorry on his lips.
As I have tears on mine.
I know he is,
But we've all run out of time.

I never meant to hurt her.
But I hate to see him weep
Never again are the bad memories to live
Never are they to keep.

As he resides in his chair,
And I reside in mine.
She holds my hand.
As truth shines.

I remember, that quiet night.
The trees were dark but the stars lit up the sky.
The lonely sidewalk was lit by the fading street light.
I remember, you asked me to walk out to the deck.
I pulled on a sweater because I was cold.
You met me there, flower in hand.
I remember.
You swept me up and told me you had been waiting.
I said I was sorry.
You kissed me, and I tasted pure love on your lips.
Our movement, like poetry, moved me in a way I hadn't before.
I remember, that dance of joy we shared that night.

Don't lay me down.
Sleep is not an option.
If you told me to be happy without my pencil,
Don't lay me down to sleep,
Lay me down to die.

Everyone forgets your name
The name never spoken
The name never said

The name that sang songs
Too beautiful for the ear
The name that waltzes on every tongue
The name that’s like a being
Like a creature that hides
Only to be seen by chosen

This name that is never said
This name that is never spoken—
Only remember this:

Everyone forgets.

They say that the key to finding peace is within yourself.
They say that you can find it in your heart.
But how can you even find your heart underneath all the arrows your brain shoots at it?
Underneath the blood and bone, muscles and skin?
How can you find your heart if it hides behind fear?
Fear is not your friend.
I know, it makes you think it's an ally when really it's trying to break you down,
Snap you like a twig,
So that you will become nothing but small pieces.
Dig deep, friend.
Here is my shovel and here is my shield ready to defend.
The key to finding peace within yourself,
Is to stop, and listen.
Focus on the things you value.

Forgetting you wasn't hard.
After all,
You forgot me first.

Your hands have never been so frail.
Your eyelids had never been so weak.
Your bed had been replaced.
Your head, surrounded by pillows.
Your lips were never so white.
Your hair was never so little.

Your voice had never become so small.
Your skin have never been so thin.
Eat more, you need it.
Sleep, don’t strain.
I hope your day tomorrow will be better.
I hope your muscles tomorrow are stronger.

And when I said goodnight
On your 83rd birthday
I held your hand
You kissed my head
How long until I see you again?
Or will I ever?

When I first saw you, I don't know what I thought. Your hair was straight, and your bangs swooped to one side mearly covering the corner of your eye. You were talkative, clearly not my type. And yet, we held engaging conversations for 3 hours. I had forgotten your name, but I thought it would be nice for you to be my friend anyway.

Time passed and you opened my mind up to a lot of things, like not settling too young. You said you wanted me, and yet would not give me such a committing title as to say Girlfriend. I pushed you to like me. I was in such awe of you.

You were talented. I encouraged all of your successes. But I didn't see your true talent. You were talented in other ways that were malicious.
You were with two women. You were out with me by day, and talking with her at night. Confused about which one you liked more.

But it wasn't even about which of us you liked more. It was a game of chase. You waited to see which one of us would run after you the most.

Even after you gave me the long awaited title, you didn't tell me reasons you liked me other than the fact that I had won. Like you were some big prize at a carnival I had wasted all of my tickets on all the games trying to win a version of you. The version I thought was cool, and a version I could adore.

I wouldn't say it was a facade, or an illusion, or an illustration in my head. The version of you was real, but it was simply not the only version.

Some nine months later, you had declared a new version of yourself. One you said was better than all the others. One you claimed was going to be the final one. I had to grieve for the old ones, but had to accept the new one quicker.
I went to all of your appointments. Every doctor you had visited. Helped you develop your voice. Encouraged you when you got discouraged. And yet I was so discouraged.

You buried yourself. In other people, and in other things, never turning to look at me. I was helping you find your voice yet your voice would never speak to me directly. There was always someone else you rather talk to.

I found my solice in a few other people, too. When you took notice, that voice i never heard towards me, would suddenly boom into my ear as a loud sob. Also admitting all of your promises to me would be lies.

I was a Villan now. Untrustworthy. But had you not done the same? Wasn't it you who started it? Had it become another game?

I'd like to think I got good at the game, however I was still playing by your rules, and you were still the ruler. I had tried to cut the strings many times but you were still my puppeteer.

As I slept with one eye open, expecting you to scream at me in the dead of night- as you often did- I wondered, was this a new version of you, or was this your true version all along? Was this who you were when I met you? Was the adoration I had for you since the start...delusion?

You scream and you sob, and yet I can't hear you anymore. Your voice was hoarse and strained, and had becoming nothing more than white noise like rain on my metaphorical window sill. All the rain- the sobbing, and I still couldn't sleep.

I started to hear voices in an empty room. Angels? Hallucinations. You had encouraged I take a sip of alcohol, but the sip turned into bottles, routinely. And yet I still couldn't sleep.

I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I grabbed a knife I had stowed in my pocket, just to see if I could still feel such human pain. As the blade mearly touched my skin I wondered, how deep could I go? Now a scar I carry with me for the rest of my life.

Maybe you were my hallucination. Every bad day, bad experience I had in a person. I feel like it was training. Training me for the types of people I might encounter in my lifetime. Teaching me how to solve such a problem.

Did God give you the right for such an act? Such false promises and falsettos? I still cannot think of a reason for all that I endured. And will continue to search for one.

Nice blue sky
Puffy white clouds
The sun is blinding me.

We drove around.
With just the sound of the engine.
Sweet serenity.

He said that I'd never have to breathe again.
Breathing wasn't necessary.
He said wounds would never be made.
I'd never feel the sting.
He said I wouldn't drown.
Stay above the water.

His love makes me immortal.

I'm gasping for oxygen.
It is so necessary.
The blood now drains from my skin.
The pain is excruciating.
And I find myself going deeper.
Unable to breathe underwater.

Because his love had made me immortal.

She watched him sleep just for a moment before she turned over in the bed. She noted how peaceful he looked; his eye lids fluttered and his breathing steady. His limp body told her he wasn’t going to wake up soon. So she lay there, contemplating getting up and making the both of them coffee. Her fingers reached up and touched the necklace he had given her. She loved him, but she dare not say it. That was a phrase none of them had uttered to each other before. Even after this past month, she dare not ruin his peace.

Hold me down
Keep me here
Don't wake me up

Hold me down
Stay with me here
Before I wake

I am an angel,
Floating above the earth high up in the sky
Where no one can see my tears of happiness and grief
Yes, even angels cry

You are a spirit,
With feet stuck in the ground
Your memories latch onto your shoes and they pull you
They pull you down

Once,
My eyes met yours
And it was like a kaleidoscope of everything you’d ever regret
Your brain is an all-out war

I am an angel,
Who came down to save you
I rip your shoes from the concrete
Wanting you to save me too.

I am from a pencil, from words, and paper.
I am from the two bedroom, one floor home.
I am from the roses, and the sun.
I am from homemade coffee and depression, from Bonnie and Charlie and Christopher.
I am from the anxiety and denial.
I am from not throwing things and not living life in fear.
I am from Angels surrounding, and Omnipotent protection.
I'm from Hartford and Greenwich, statesmen and viscounts.
From the pain in their eyes and rage they expressed, and the ignorance of men.
I am from the wall where the past hangs in frames.
From pictures of possible better times, yet maybe not any greater.
From pictures that may be of worse times, hidden behind these smiles.

If you fall off the highest point of your life, I will no longer be your net. I will be the concrete. And if you lay there long enough, I will liquefy into the IV that goes into your arm. And if you don't move I will be the oxygen mask. See, my mind is the hospital in which you will stay. My arms will be the blanket and my heart will be the nurse. But I will never hold you too tightly because I don't want you to confuse the water in the IV with the ocean. Because the ocean drowns people. The ocean will take you away like driftwood.
My body is the hospital. But remember a hospital is a building, and a building cannot stand without support beams underneath.

I can’t say a word
If I do the world will end.
I’ll be the cause
I’ll be the blame.
I can’t write anymore.
My words are too strong
Slowly, you’ll die.
I can’t say a word,
I’ve said too much
Like insects eating me,
I’ll be the fire
I’ll be the bomb.
I can’t write anymore
My words are defeating
Slowly, I’ll die.
I can’t say a word
If I do, the world will end.
I’ll be the cause
I’ll be the blame
I’ll be the bomb
I’ll be the flame.

I didn't care.
Maybe I did, but not enough to cry.
I heard the words, "he's dead"
But I felt no death.
The day I screamed in pain but with no tears in my eyes, they thought I was joking.
I threw my computer because I couldn't think of anything to write.
I snapped my pencil because I couldn't draw as well as they could.
I screamed out, but with no voice they thought I was yawning.  
I didn't care.
Maybe I did but not enough to scream I love you.
I heard the words "She's gone" and I ran.
They thought I didn't care but truth is I cared so much I didn't know what else to do.
My heart aches because of a disorder I have no control over.
I didn't care.
Maybe I did,
But when I heard the words "I love you" I had no clue what that meant.
I run down the street not only to get exorcise,
But in hopes that if I run far enough I'll run away from myself.
When they spit in my hair, and threw a cheap shot, I went home crying but nothing could be done.
I screamed out in pain but they didn't get it.
I said, I didn't care.
But just maybe, I did.

I didn't know.
I didn't know that she believed in God as much as I did.
I didn't see.
I didn't see her gain 150 pounds of pure stress.
I didn't hear.
I didn't hear the doctor talk about her grandfather's new-found Cancer.
I didn't feel.
I didn't feel the pain of losing a brother who was half deaf.
The lump in her throat when she cried every night.
She was battling her demons while I was too busy battling my own.
I didn't know.

If ever I were to remember
I would remember the sunset
A day ends to make room for new beginnings.

If ever I were to remember, anything at all
I would remember when she cried
So helpless for her daughter.

And if ever I were to remember
I'd remember how souls danced
Because mine might not ever
Again.

What if I was beautiful?
The sun would kiss my face
And so would he.
I would be attractive
Like the snow wolf with its blue eyes
Everyone would want to pick me
Like a natural flower growing from the ground.
If I was beautiful
You would want to get to know me.
Are you sure you want to?
If I was beautiful
I would be no different.
Because I am.

I didn't throw you aside
Not the way that you imagined
I put you gently next to me
So that I could see ahead
But you thought I threw you away
No, I just kept walking
You stopped, furthering yourself
So don't say I threw you away
Just because I wanted to marvel at a different painting
I was a piece in your museum
But the art work has changed.

I mustn't cry anymore.
It's all happened.
I would love to pretend that I have a shattered heart but I don't
It's only cracked.
I mustn't pine anymore
Pine for you.
As if I needed you to breathe like I am forever underwater
I'm drowning.
I mustn't be sad anymore
You're away.
You're far away but you promise you'll come back
So I'll wait.

I tried to write you
A simple lullaby
One to put your pain to sleep
One to sever mine
But that's too hard to do
When I can't express
How much I love you
How much I care

I tried to run from
This feeling of ours
I didn't want to know
How well it'd go
How can you love me when I can't
I don't trust myself
But I love myself
Because of you

I tried to write you
A simple lullaby
One to put your pain to sleep
One to sever mine
How can I express
How much I care
When all I have to say is
I'm in love with you

I thought I was done
But I remember.
Your hand
And his spine
Almost made contact.
I remember why I hate you.

I thought I was done
But no.
Writing it down only resurfaces what happened.
You never hit me.
You never would.

But it's them you hurt
And for that you are done.
No longer mine
No longer theirs.

I remember why I hate you.

I thought I was done
But I remember.

It’s a fire
You and I
It’s a word
We testified.

We grew larger
It’s a flame
Every singing crackle
It calls your name.

We have heat
You and I
Have many colors
Trapped inside my eye.

It’s a dream
Yet so real
Can we deny?
Should we feel?

It’s a fire
You and I
Such a flame
Grew so high.

It’s a fire
Me and you
Such abundance
Where fire stood blue.

I wasn't falling asleep.
My eyes closed must have looked like  it.
I was listening to your voice
Out of pitch, graining against the original voices.

Who are you?
Are you a human gentle and sad?
Are you a flower slowly wilting?
Maybe you’re the sun burning with radiation,
Or a myth that outlived a century,

Who you are is not what you think.
Maybe you’re actually a star burning with gas,
Or a medallion worn around an empress’s neck.
Or maybe,
You’re the God.

Maybe, you know exactly who you are,
Because the spirit never changes.

Last time I saw him he was saying "I will always love you."
Last time I saw him he was holding my hand.
Last time I saw him he smelled of cologne.
Last time, he touched my heart.
This time she is saying "I love you so much."
This time, she is kissing my cheek.
This time, she smells of perfume.
This time, she is touching my soul.

Long ago you told me you might like me
Your fingers caressed my hand like you were afraid to touch fire
Your shoulder brushed mine many times, as if it were the bat signal.
Your smile reached mine as a clear welcome.
Long ago you told me you might like me.
You played songs in the car that I particularly liked.
You allowed me to fall into you
How much would you fall into me?
I laughed at your crazy dance
I sang to your crazy song
I waited for you to realize that my fire doesn't burn
But that was all, long ago.

Love is immortal
Don't say it isn't.

All fear is unbeatable
It'll always be there.

Emotion is eternal
Forever kept.

I feel like a germ
An infection
A plague.
I feel like an alien
A being
A thing.
I am matter
Air
Space.
I am nothing
Non-existent
A face.

They geared up,
And flew away.
They fought.
They fell.
And they'll be remembered.

My battery is low.
Can you find my charger?
You can find it between my coffee and my laptop.
Behind my depression and anxiety.
Underneath those people I still call friends even though I haven't seen them or a year.
And for those friends that I saw last week,
It feels like a year since I've spoken to them.
My storage is full of memories that aren't even mine, words I can't repeat, songs I don't even listen to.
I know I need to update my software, update to a better version of myself.
But until I can do that, I need to find my charger.

I'm an outsider
Looking inside
I'm telling the window
To close the blinds
And def my ears
And numb my nerves
And dry my voice
So I won't be heard.

Breathe, my little darling soul
Drop defenses, just come home
My little darling soul
Spoil it for me, when do I go?

I'm growing sick here
I should just leave
I'm held down by
Only me

Breathe, my little darling soul
Drop defenses, just come home
My little darling soul
Spoil it for me, when do I go?

The reason I stay here
Why I won't leave
I wanna be your back up plan
Because someday you'll remember me.

A memory is like a movie that plays back,
Over and over.
The definition of memory is an event that has past.
One that you still remember.
So if I remember every word,
Every story our tears told,
Then my name is memory.
Nice to meet you.

My sleep-deprived friend.
You should be sleeping.
I'm sure you were told that many times and were never able to take their advice.
I want you to know,
That you're safe.
There is no monster under the bed.
No, the moon isn't going to catch you.
Your dreams, are only dreams.
Rest now.
You're still a child.
Your day tomorrow is big.
Yet you lie here, not able to sleep.
Close your eyes.
Let yourself fall.
You're only falling into a garden of roses.
A field of daisies.
You will sit under an apple tree and listen to the soft breeze.
Rest now, friend.
The night won't get any shorter.

I told that when I came out of my mother's womb I was singing.
I was told that I whenever I talk I speak as if I'm telling a story.
When I tried out for every solo in middle school and never got it.
Notice: That never stopped me from singing.
When my best friend ignored my words of wisdom, or told me she didn't get it.
Notice: That never stopped me from writing.
Those plenty of times I've sprained my ankle or was too weak to run another mile.
Notice: It never stopped me from running.
I'm stubborn and that could be a good thing and a bad thing.
I was told by my own family "Shut up, no one cares."
Notice: That didn't stop me from having a voice.
I was afraid to go outside because I was afraid I'd need an ambulance.
Notice: I still went outside.
See when I was a baby I never tried new things.
I didn't take risks.
But I was told that when I came out of my mother's womb I was singing.
Singing to the heavens, singing to the sky, singing all the angel's goodbye.
Notice: Nothing has ever stopped me from believing in myself.

Only in his car
Do I feel this way
My future lies before me
Urging me to stay.
Listening to his music
Thinking about my past
Begging for value
Should I go back?

Pain keeps me
From losing myself.
It reminds my heart,
that it likes to beat.
It reminds my lungs,
To never stop breathing.
Pain keeps me here.
Grounded.
Sane.
Happy.