It needs to just leave me alone.
Let me sleep.
Leave me with thoughts of love.
Not thoughts of panic.

Welcome to my Panic Room.
Where instead of sleep,
Thoughts of terror come into play.
And I can feel the swelling of my throat;
As if I were allergic to the tragedy.
My heart beats as if it were a horse race.

Welcome to my Panic Room.
Where a bed lay in the center.
One I wish to sleep upon and dream of fearing nothing.
Yet I sit in the corner;
All curled up to protect myself from the monster that's coming.
Only to realize, every time,
The monster is inside me.

Why is it so hard?
He wants to be set free.
He feels trapped.
And I,
I hold the key,
To his prison.

I used to always want to be a back-up plan. A person people could fall back on. Meaning, people can ignore me for a year, but the moment something happens they now want to be my friend. I'm not like that anymore. I'm not a net, or a back-up plan. I'm either in your life or I'm not. Make up your mind, because I'm fine either way.
I have come to realize in my life that I don't have a problem letting people go. I have a friend who was best friends with a group of people for three years and they suddenly decided they don't want to be friends with her anymore. It's been months and she's still angry about it. Who knows if she'll ever get over it. With me it's opposite. You don't wanna be my friend anymore? Fine, go have a happy life, I'll be here living mine.

I repeat myself.
I write about the same thing,
Over and over.
An event, a person, a feeling.
I need something new.
A new feeling.
Something to forget what happened.
Something to forget me.
I need to be new.
So I don't repeat so much.

Let's find some place to go,
Where it never snows,
The rain is always warm.
Let's find somewhere,
Where the only tears cried,
Are content.
Let's find somewhere to go,
Where the sky is always clear,
As pure as the hearts we're given.
Let's find somewhere,
Our own island.
A sanctuary.

A word. That word. The one you said while I was sitting on your lap. The room was dark but dim from the moon shining through your window. That word. Say it again.
*******.

Like glass, hearts are fragile.
You drop them and they will break into a million pieces.
If you are afraid of falling, then don't sit so close to the edge.
Because there's no one there to catch you.
And maybe there is.
Maybe there's someone at the bottom waiting to hold on to you no matter how cracked you are.
Maybe there not.
Maybe there's someone at the bottom waiting to catch you so that they can drop you.
So that they can leave you on the ground.
Shattered.
And maybe you'll realize you weren't the only one.
They'd wait for anyone to fall into the trap.
Manipulating the way you were meant to be held.
You tell them,
That a heart is like glass, If you drop it it will shatter into a million pieces. it's pieces will cut you so deep you begin to bleed.
You tell them,
Don't complain to your doctor when they tell you you've got a transmitted disease.

Can a heart really shatter?
Can you physically drop it and watch it break into a million pieces?
We use hearts as metaphors
We unite the words "heart and soul"
When ancient Egyptians believed any "feeling" belonged to the liver
Because the liver is closer to the hormones

Can a heart really shatter?
Is it that fragile that we have to put a sign spelled out in our eyes that says "handle with care"
A heart is a metaphor for all the years my heart has palpitated
All the times my heart just drops in exhaustion

I can't tell you if a heart really shatters.
But I know what it feels like when it beats so hard and it hurts
It aches
It throbs
It breaks

She burned
Herself
Into
Ashes.

She came out at night
Past the pond she'd stir
She fell upon a grave
And prayed it would be her.
But prayer doesn't work for her
For she is still alive
Go home and scar herself
Reminders of time.
She looks at the grave
Time moves slow
But she's dead still, she is sure.
Past the trees she'd stir
She found a new grave
And hoped that it'd be her.

She never knew.
She never knew the hand that man touched me with.
She never saw.
She never saw the eyes of my father glistening with alcohol.
She never heard.
She never heard the names my brother would call me when I got home.
She never felt.
She never felt the shattering of my heart.
The thundering pain of a thousand words like bullets through my spine.
The weight of expectations just ready to crush me.
She never knew.

Her hair was red and her nails were short.
She was a spark that got lost in the flame.
In need of water to drown out her screams.
But her screams won't be the only thing it'll drown.

I am nichts, only a memory.

Some kind of broken heart you are
Forcing me to abide by your game
To think it's not cruel when you do the same
All the songs, poems I wrote in your name
I guess they were never engraved in your brain
Some kind of lost soul you are
Believing that we were both in love
I believed too, that we were a dove
Entwined, soaring, up above
Some kind of broken we were
Sang different parts of the same song
And for a while, we got along
Believing our love would never be gone
Believing our love could never be wrong
What kind of damage could we see?
If you were always looking for me
Instead of looking for the key
Some kind of broken, were we

What if someone was out there?
Someone to wipe your tears
Someone to teach you new meaning of "I'm okay"
Someone to show you what happiness was
What if someone was out there?
Would you then come off that ledge?

Somewhere out there there's somebody.
Somewhere out there is another world.
A world where there is a reason to love.
A world where the sun always outlives the dark.
A world where the cold never adds discomfort.
Somewhere out there is a house, three floors and strong.
It has a place for tea and a place for rest.
It adds protection from the fears that come from the other world.
The other world, that uses lies and hatred as a blanket like snow.
Somewhere out there is you and me under an apple tree.
You kiss my life with a single word.
Somewhere out there you look at me with hands full of desire and eyes full of passion.
I can't wait to meet you in that world.

Stained.
Like the blood on my hands have dried to a crust.
My heart had thawed but now has freezer burn.
The strands of blonde that were bleached last year.
The words that I won't forget.
Stained.
Like the white dress that has now turned yellow.
The dried candle wax that won't come off the carpet.
Don't love me, or I will become hard.
Don't leave me
Or I will become,
Stained.

Five years
Eleven cries
Don't go now
Don't let it die

A thousand years,
Two-hundred cries,
It's never gone,
But it nearly dies.

It grabs you
With long dark nails
It pins you down
Captivating.

It looks you in the eye
You see a fake present
You see past with future.

Tell not nobody
Or it will **** you
It kills you not to
Tormenting.

Your body moves in a seizure
No one notices
Tell not nobody.

You're blinded
Punctured with light and words
Words, difficult, passionate, dulling
Enrapturing.

The more anxious, the more I seizure
It grabs a hold of your heart
Never before feel losing blood
Tell not nobody.

Death laid down beside me,
And whispered in my ear.
It made me a ghost.
A shadow of what once was,
Is now dead in my arms.
Now I lay down beside you,
and whisper in your ear.
One day you'll listen,
One day you'll hear me,
And I'll be there,
Waiting

He watches me.
Dark or light.
He stands, he waits.
Waits for what?
Last night he smiled at me,
I asked him why.
He told me a story of a girl
Who sounded awfully like me.
"One day she will realize why I am here," He said.
And still he watches me.
Dark or light.
He stands, he waits.
Three years ago I had asked him why,
If I ask again now he won't respond.
"Who are you?" I ask,
"Some one important," He says.
And still he watches me.
Dark or light.
He stands, he waits.
Twelve years I had asked him who he was.
I grow weaker.
My days on earth are numbered.
I am hooked to IVs and still he stands.
And waits.
When I close my eyes for the last time, I realize who he is.

He watches me.
Dark or light.
He stands, he waits.
I feel no fright.
Last night he smiled at me.
I asked him why.
He told me the story of a girl
Who sounded awfully like I.
And still he watches me.
Dark or light.
He stands, he waits.
Eyesight locked tight.
Three years ago i asked him why.
If I ask again now he won't respond.
"Who are you?" I ask.
"Someone worth the bond."
And still he watches me.
Dark or light.
He stands, he waits,
Twelve years ago i asked him why the strange sight.
I grow weaker.
My days are numbered.
He stands.
And he waits.
I close my eyes, and realize our fate.

If you hear a phrase too many times it just becomes white noise.
If you say the same thing over, and over again someday you'll forget why you say it.
If you feel the same thing enough times you tend to not feel it at all.
If you go to the same place every day you become blind to your environment.
If you stay underwater long enough you forget how to breathe
And if your heart dies everyday you don't remember what it's like to live.
I know.
I know that if I remember my past it is still my present.
But I know that if I forget my past, then I won't know where I've been.
If you sleep too much, you won't know when the dream ends.
And if you never sleep, you think life is one long nightmare.
Know this:
There is a difference between heaven and hell.
There is a difference between a dream and a nightmare.
There's a difference.
I just know there is.

The soul he needs,
It should be wise.
It should be sweet.
It should care.
Their feelings should be strong, but not too overwhelming.
It must like the closeness of his body.
The soul he needs,
Must be strong.
It must be tender.
The soul he needs,
Should be a soul like his.

I can't explain it.
I tried.
But he won't listen,
I guess I'll say goodbye.
For now,
For good.
I can't explain it,
Not to  him.
He won't accept my truth,
The truth,
Our wrongs.

Love came.
Love left.
It was romantic.
It was ugly.
He gave her a rose.
That was half dead and bought for $2.99.
She took it and smiled.
She allowed herself.
He kissed her.*
She kissed him, knowing it would be the last time he saw her.

When she told me how she felt,
I felt the same.
I don't know if we'll be friends forever.
But I know because of you I'm not afraid to keep going.
Because of you, I'm not afraid to keep singing to the birds.
Because I know, that when I'm with you,
You'll gladly sing along.

Back and forth
She's back and forth
Never knowing which side to use
Today she's white
Tomorrow she's black
Her mind is indecisive
Like a pencil with two colors
At the bottom where it's dull edge
Back and forth
Back and forth

I want to get inside your head...
See the world through your eyes...
Touch the ground with your feet...
I want to hear what you hear...
Feel your heart beat.
Only then can I understand.
Understand me...
Understand you.
Forgive yourself for your sins...
You are only mortal filled with blood and bone.
Forgive yourself for being so fragile.
Forgiveness...
I forgive you.
Forgive me...
For not understanding
your world.

I want to get inside your head...
See the world through your eyes...
Touch the ground with your feet...
Only then can I understand.
Forgive yourself…
For your sins.
Forgive yourself…
For being fragile.
You are only mortal.
Forgive me…
For not answering your burning question.
Forgive me…
For I cannot answer.
Forgive…
I know so little…
I’m trying to understand.

She stayed outside with the falling petals.
He stayed in burying himself with a game controller
Years past and the two finally met.
This time, she took him outside with her.
And he discovered how beautiful the world was.

Eyes of new and old,
As deep as the sea,
Golden eyes as cold,
As eyes that watch over me.


Meet me there.
Run across the track.
I never watch you leave,
Please, come back.

She saw shadows when she walked.
They moved underneath the darkness.
She was the only one who saw them.

She heard ringing in her ears.
A monotone an octave higher than the voices around her.
She was the only one who could hear it.

I could sing a song
Would they listen?

I realized something today
After months of figuring
Who am I?
I am me.

And who is me?
Someone to warm your cold hand
Someone to protect your battling soul
Someone to bandage your ****** heart
Someone to trust you when you can't
Someone to sing you asleep
I'll tell you a story of a girl I knew
Who couldn't fix herself quite right

See the sorrow through tired, old eyes
A minute like a century
For I have lived a thousand times
Have died just as plenty

One, She grew up in a nice home.
He grew up on the street.
She ran playfully across her yard.
He ran to get away from the cops.
Two, the night of the school dance her heart got broken.
The night he picked up a gun, his soul was lost.
She swore herself off of men for as long as she lived.
He swore himself off of heartbreak for the moments he had left of his.
Three, Something happened and made him stop for just a moment.
Something made her remember what her mama told her.
"Don't be afraid."
She realized that's what it was.
He noticed that's what it was.
Four, a week before graduation.
She found herself looking at a painting one of her classmates had made and she dreamed about life in the picture.
He walked down the hallway and saw a girl looking at his painting.
Five, It's the day of graduation and she's nervous as hell.
He on the other hand knows he wants to go to art school.
She sits next to a boy waiting for her diploma.
The boy glances at her and notices she was the one who saw his painting in the hallway.
Six, the two had said hello.
Her hands were shaking
His voice stuttered.
But they were both exited to finally meet one another.
"Hello."

I knew we both hurt but I couldn’t be this way without him.
He gave me the kind of attention that I craved for.
And yet, that was not all he was capable of.

I knew we were both hurt but that didn’t matter.
It was fun to start over, and learn all over again.
I don’t know if that’s how it was for him, but it was for me.

When my skin decays and my blood dries out
You will be the one to bring me back to life
In some other form.

She wrote:
Meet me there.
Run across the track.
I never watch you leave,
Please, come back.

He wrote:
If you never watch me leave,
Then I am still here.
I watch over you, darling.
I'll be there.

In my waking hours
You're not there.
You're never there.
No matter how loud I call
No matter how much I scream for you
You're never there.
In my waking hours
You're somewhere else.
In a grocery store perhaps
Or screaming for me
In your waking hours.

Asleep, you're next to me
Under that apple tree
In that field
Asleep you are here, always.

Watch me then
Watch me now
Your silence is soft
But silence is loud.

We were friends.
She changed.
I didn't.
Enough said.

What is that?
It holds the most wondrous words known to man.
Text lay carefully inside it, painting pictures for your mind.
What is that?
It opens and closes like a door.
It smells of old basements.
It is fragile, can easily be torn.
It lay anywhere you place it, it stays there.
What’s inside can be so meaningful, or mean nothing at all.
What is this fragile thing that holds the language of man?
It is book,
The best example of living and non-living.
The book itself cannot move, but the text inside can move you.
It is a book, I said.
The best way to look through other eyes.

When he said "I love you"
It wasn't as romantic as I hoped.
No teddy bears
No flowers
No poorly cooked dinner to show his effort.
I was riding shotgun.
He had an old car but it still worked fine.
We drove past the gas station nearest to his house
He was looking at his phone but looked up to the street
I love you, he said and smiled
His eyes averted mine
But that smile was romantic enough
Enough that I smiled, and said
*I love you too

Across time,
Across space,
Never again,
Will I see your face.

Across the galaxies,
Through the stars,
Do you remember,
When it was ours?

Of course you do,
Never forget,
That cold afternoon,
When we first met.

Yet again it's that time.
Time to start anew...
Like I've done so many times
I do my best
I get so far
Then have to start over.
Do it all again...
All for her...
All for us...
Yet again it's that time.
Time to start over.
Like my previous achievements
Come down to nothing...
Comes down to you.

You struggle so much just to talk to me. because you don't want to make me mad or upset by just disappearing. You get angry with your computer and internet just to talk to me. Or are you angry with the fact that I can't be there? So you struggle. Just for me.