Beauty glistens in the fire agate,
Light reflects off the surrounding white snow.
Happiness glitters softly in the allure.
Deep, mysterious, and inviting.
Daunting in every which way.

The serpent brushes over my neck, slithering down my back.
I shiver, hearing the faint whisper in the dark night.
Crystal blue pools fill the eyes,
blue sapphire gems fall from the sight.
Blurred thoughts move the stars,
Emotion filled clouds cover the sky.
The serpent slithers back hissing in the ear,
it can't be controlled.

Where has it gone?
Has it come back to your existence, your recollection?
Did your belief come back?

Oh, honey.
You underestimate my power, my abilities.
It has never left.

What do you mean?
You left it behind you so long ago?
You mean to tell me you've carried it all this way?*

My darling,
It was a burden, I carried for ages.
It stays with me always and forever

Every move I make,
the shadow lurks in the distance.
The faster I walk,
the faster it follows.

I feel scolding hot passion,
the shadow's warmth surrounds my existence.
Filters of scarlet, ruby, and carmine penetrate my sight,
it's inside, it's taken over.

Possessive cover, my body goes numb,
the shadow's taking me away.
Through the crimson view, I see my feet, my hands,
they move in directions I have no control.


I'm walking towards the noise, the unforgettable noise. It screams. Branches fall, pushing it's wrath closer to my doom. I walk straight. I can't stop, I can't turn around. *I'm walking into a fire, nothing can save me at this point.

It's a feeling like no other.
To think, of one.
An invigorating rush travels up from the stomach.
Burning ball of adrenaline.
Only lasts a short second,
leaves me breathless.
It's painfully delightful.

*My red eyes glow, searching for it's desires.
Shadows haunt behind me, warning of the hatred.
The red never goes away.
Fiery hot ruby tears may drain the color,
but the aspiration never goes away.
The desire can paint back what was drained,
and let the greed live on.

take it.
go ahead, take it.
it won't harm you.
i dare you.

The evil serpet lies as it slithers down my back.
It's hiss and whispers send chills through my body.
I am stiff,
I am rigid.

I said take it.
You will achieve great happiness.
Just outstretch your arms,
and it will be yours.

Mind turns to greed,
My eyes turn red like the blood of the serpent's prey.
I open my arms, letting myself feel the power hit me,
knocking me to the ground.

See here,*
For you have taken what wasn't yours.
You have played my little game,
and for that, you shall pay.

I lay on the ground, blinking in confusion.
My eyes. They fill with water, they drain their color.
I cry red, hot, fiery tears that burn as they roll down my face.
This. This is the least pain I deserve.

Don't. you. dare.

Rage builds up again,
Fury spills over,
A burning passion smothers all else.

Hypocrisy discovered,
Attitude noted.

I don't think you realize what you're doing.

Adding kindling to the fire,
sending an explosion through the blaze,
letting the flames roar more than before.

Going into harms way,
Walking into the inferno

This is you're *one and only warning

*Back. Off.

Fists clenched so hard,
Nails piercing the skin.
Memories flow, like an endless river.
I am not alone

Searching for the answers,
Tearing through the fantasy,
Digging through the graves of the past.
I feel so alone

Pushed against the wall,
Forcing away my breath,
Feeding the fire kindling in my heart.
I can't be alone

Eyes darting back and forth,
Wondering what wall will tumble down,
Scared that my every move will cause pain.
*But I am alone

I try to hard for happiness in others, and in me.
I try to hard to rid the pain in others, and in me.

I try to hard to make others laugh at me.
I try to hard to make others look at me.

I try to hard to make others like me.
I try to hard to portray an image that's not me.

I try to hard to disconnect the me,
I became.
I try to hard to find the me,
I once was.

I try to hard for happiness in me, and in others.
I try to hard to rid the pain in me, and in others.

*I guess I'm not trying hard enough

To be omniscient,
all knowing.
Wished for over a long period of time,
desiring the unspeakable knowledge.
Clawing the insides, tearing up the mind,
due to the simple desire for truth.
Possibilities rounding the corner of every thought,
to be settled into a straight line of clarity.

To be innocent,
unknowing.
Wishing to go back,
desiring the knowledge be erased.
Cutting the outside, shattering the mind,
due to the impossible desire to reverse.
Possibilities never ending continuing around,
spiraling as if forced into clarity too soon.

When something clicks,
you feel it.

Even if the colors don't quite match up,
the puzzle piece fits.

It's nice to know,
it really is.

*It wasn't me

The weight,
The strength.

It pushes down, crushing my inside.
I struggle to breath,
every breath 100 pounds are added to my chest.

Pressure builds up,
Dizziness begins,
Anxiety sky rockets.

The room is spinning,
Why is the room spinning?

My legs are shaking, I'm destroying my lip
Why can't I sit still?

Whoa, my head feels funny.
Why did that start?

I'm uncomfortable, I'm shaking.
Does anyone notice? God, I hope not.

The pressure, more intense.
Nausea increases,
My insides twist and turn.

I clench my fists,
Am I angry?
What's going on?

I'm tired...
I feel my heavy eyelids start to pull down.
I close my eyes,

but the room,
it spins faster than before.
My thoughts, my actions, myself...

It repeats
**I am never at peace

I have never felt this much before.
I am enclosed in a blackened bubble,
unable to see the outside world.

I am secluded away in the darkness,
not exactly knowing where to go.
I'm just rolling, hoping I'll end somewhere good.

I must continue to repeat to myself,
do not engage... do not engage
It is much harder than expected.

To engage is to put myself back,
back to who I always believed myself to be,
back to when I changed myself to be someone I wasn't.

To ask, to tell, to hold.
I bite my lip to stop myself,
I must not say anything.

I listen, I observe, I wait.
I engaged,
there is no return.

*I am a failure

Travel,
Enjoy the moments.
*You don't know how long you have left with the people around you

The very last person on your mind before you fall asleep is either the reason for your happiness or your pain

It's a funny thing to think,
Pain and Happiness
In such a close parameter.

It is so hard to tell,
who is which.
It makes me question, everything.

How many days was it actually pain?
How many times was I hurting myself more?
Where is the happiness I was wishing for?

Happy thoughts travel through my mind as the moon rises.
The stars illuminate across the sky,
just as the perceived happiness is in my mind.

Could my happiness be entangled in the pain?
Are the strings of my emotions being weaved,
to the point of not knowing?

The power of knowledge.
Knowledge is power.

The happiness of pain.
Pain is happiness?

I don't really care how much you yell at me.
Don't you know by now that I'm not changing my response?

You belittle my attitude, my beliefs.
You tell me I'm wrong,
You don't give me a chance to defend myself.

Pushing more and more comments in my face,
I can't keep up with the bullets flying by me.

What if next time I let a bullet hit me?
Would you even care?

Everybody has an intention, whether it turns good or bad

Intention.
Something we want to happen,
Something that is desired.

Reality.
What actually happens,
that we have no control over...

or so you think.

All the decisions made,
All the actions performed,
Make us in the position we are in now.

Reality.
Something we have unknown control over,
but happens due to the intentions we've created.

My intentions may turn your desired reality.
My intentions are not bad.

What shall reality bring?

Already knowing what someone is going to say,
is worse than hearing it for the first time.

I face dissatisfaction,
I face disappointment,
I face shame.

My intentions are contrary to what some may predict.

I am strong,
I am able,
I am independent.

To be given trust is all I ask,
and I shall never ask anything in return.

Our minds, our bodies, our souls.
Belittled are we,
Smothered are we,
Crushed are we.

A hot fire melts through our backs,
as the glares burn holes in our minds.
It fuels the fire in our souls,
the rage in our hearts.

Heat rises creating painful burns,
scarring our canvas,
leaving permanent emptiness,
in the hopelessness and despair.

Rage never dissipates.
It grows as it's fed,
adding kindling to the anger,
that blazes inside our body.

It melts us,
It ruins us.
It defaces,

*our identity

Speak, child, Speak.
For I try to help,
with what I do not know.

Tell, brother, Tell.
What I can do,
to stop the pain you feel.

Scream, sister, Scream.
At me for all the things,
I have done you wrong.

Say, dear, Say.
Things to my identity,
So I can hear what is deserved.

Speak, child, Speak.
For I cannot help,
with what I do not know.

So many locked up in the cage,
the cage without a key.
Once they go in, the cage can't be opened again.
Secrets pile up,
overwhelming the steel bars of the cell.
Pushing on the wall to escape.
No matter how much they rip the insides,
No matter how much they vandalize the walls,
They stay put.
If they try to escape,
they are pushed back down further than before.
Further in the damp dark prision of my mind.
If security fails, and secrets escape,
it tears the town, destroys the village,
Much more than it ever tore the cell walls of my heart.
The secrets I hold, deserve nothing more than solitary confinement.
To wilt away in the cell, until everybody forgets,
except the prision itself.  
Secrets are a reality.

*a reality I wish to forget.

I borrow money to pay rent,
I owe them something

I receive help to fix my truck,
I owe them something

Even if it isn't physical.
My obligation is at least to give
a simple Thank You.

But

My decisions are my decisions,
My thoughts are my thoughts,
My actions are my actions.

I do not owe explanations

I simply owe, the *sufficient truth.

Decisions.
Deciding who you are,
what you're life will be.

Experimenting.
Something you are allowed to do,
to figure out who you are,

but don't drag anyone else into it.
*I am not here to be experimented with.

His* car, Her car
It was his, it was *hers

I travel through the maze,
never knowing where to turn.

I think in my mind,
the paths traveled before,
so I know which way to avoid.

My heart beats with fear,
Anxiety pushes on my chest with all its force.

I can't turn, I can't move.
The element of surprise,
Showing up at any moment.

I can't handle.
I'm terrified.

Every bend I come across,
every slight indication,
I panic.

I can't help it,
*That's me

The ghost of the past travels beside me,
It haunts its way through the empty halls.

Just leave me alone! I beg,
as it creeps, closer and closer.
Never It hisses past my ear.

What have I done to deserve this?
Why are you treating me this way!

Everything happens for a reason It shrills by,
Spinning around me, causing my senses to explode.
I try to stop it, but it just continues faster.

I've had enough.
I'm sorry I scream, tears rolling down my face.

It vanishes quickly,
I collapse to the floor,
but the room continues to spin.

It's still not over I whisper to myself.
*It's still not over

I'm writing out my story from start to finish,
I'm not quite sure where to start.
Everything flows out like a waterfall over a cliff,
pulling the strings and tearing my heart.

The buildup of stories have occurred over time,
and not one person knows the entire truth.
I wish I knew myself sometimes,
because everything is slowly breaking my youth.

The innocence I once had, is long gone now.
I've seen and heard too much.
Oh how I wish I could go back,
to when life was solely soft to touch.

I complain about plenty,
though sometimes I don't know what.
It's just nice to let out,
the feelings I keep shut.

For stories have conformed,
the me I am today.
Eventually I won't know,
the me that's got away.

*I have changed.

To me, you know, you can't deny,
for I can see the suffering in your eye.

This is more than a battle between me and one,
because now I see, who is holding the gun.

Put down the rifle, take out the mag,
for these bullet's are not yours to drag.

I paid for the mystery box, plain and simple,
It is my turn to take out the rocket launcher missile.

I tell you now about Juggernog and Quick-Revive,
because they aren't enough to keep us alive.

I've got you're back, and you've got mine,
as we battle through the challenge of the canine.

Board up the windows, blocking us in,
as we wait for the next level to finally begin.

We are together through this, one and all,
yet you won't always be there when I fall.

Let me take the ray gun in my hands,
as we travel together through the badlands.

I want to hear and feel the thrill,
as the voice around me whispers *Insta ****

I shiver, I shake,
I rattle, I wake.

From across the room I stare at the bar,
Wondering how the hell I ever got this far.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say,
Everything around me seems to be in the way.

I wish I could just curl up into a ball,
Going through my mind just to erase it all.

I cry, I break,
I smile, I ache.

I'm lying to myself, for that I cannot deny,
You ask me questions for which I can give no alibi.

I've done it before, and I can do it again,
But this time, I am more afraid of your reign.

Please help me dear soul, for you're all I have left,
I hate this feeling of despair and bereft.

Free me from, this life of illusion,
I am still lost on the path of confusion.

I'm scared, I'm hurt
I hide, I avert.

I don't know how long this can go on,
Before you know I am completely gone.

One so familiar to me.

I've seen so many times before,
but it's different this moment.

I'm scared for different reasons,
never having these before.

I am fearless, yet I am scared.
I am the name on the screen.

The robin sings outside the window,
the beautiful song of grace.

The shade is opened to watch the birds fly by,
traveling south, and high in the sky.

The leaves are changing to an orange red,
as the air gets crisp and cold.

The clouds roll by,
giving sun and shade where needed.

The robin's voice fades away,
as she flies high with the others.

It will always hurt,
the pain will never go away.

But.
Knowing what is known now,
Knowing the hope given for the future,
replaces some of the hurt, with hope.

Memories are never to be forgotten,
yet the past is the past.

Dwelling on what can't be changed,
hinders the continuation of life.

Picking up the baggage will take some time.
Moving on all together will still be the hardest thing to accomplish.

But when the final bag is put on the truck,
and all that has to be done is to drive away,
I will smile, reach over to the dial, and turn on the car radio.

As I pull out of the driveway, the radio will be at its highest,
because looking back, I'll be able to say,
That the music had never faded away.

Distractions, Distractions.
I need Distractions.

The tears, The tears.
They never stop flowing.

The pain, The pain.
It screams from my body.

The blood, The blood.
I need to stop.

Distractions, Distractions.
I need Distractions.

but there are no distractions
everything is a reminder
everything.

The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years* she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get her off her mind
Until the night

She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short, but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to her picture for dear life
We laid her next to her beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey *lullaby

I meant what I said,
I said what I meant.

Here I will stay,
if needed I am.

I don't care what is said,
for I have heard it all.

You break your promise,
I will break mine.

Positive and negative charges attract each other,
two positives or two negatives repel.

The day two positive forces come together,
is the day you know something must seriously be wrong.

Messages flow,
back and forth.

Only believe the truth,
what I said,
what comes out of my mouth.

If you believe others,
confusion sets in,
and more hurt is pushed around.

A sense of peace,
is nice in times like this.

Clarity will not be reached for awhile,
but the little things are always there for support.

I was entanged in the game of love,
the games played in friendship.
I thought I finished the game,
but I've just started a new one.
the waiting game
When does it end?

We are friends, and will only be friends.
A part of me regrets my decision,
Us as a couple,
We both liked each other,
We kissed, sparks flew.
But, never forget the power that has.
Relationships have the power to grow apart.
Friendships grow strong, harder to break.
I will miss the gibberish, I will miss the hearts.
But in the end, I wont be missing you,
because I will have you,
You will be there when I need you,
You will be there when I fall.
Our friendship has grown forever strong.
I love you mostest
September 14, 2016

The moment haunts me,
as the icon leaves the screen.
I read, I hold back the tears.
I reread, I lose.
I didn't have the chance to have a proper Goodbye.
I didn't have...
I didn't know
At the click of a button,
Everything was lost.

The facet will keep running,
to wash the dishes of the past.

The knife will never stop,
chopping peppers until it's perfect.

My advice in the kitchen,
Don't start cooking,
because you won't be able to stop.

Not a big number physically
Not a big number mentally

But emotionally
*it means a whole ******* lot