everything's breaking
and i'm running
to the only place
i've ever known
to the only place
i've ever called home

i'm running to you-

She said,
I want to die
Just let me die.
And I felt her words
Throughout the entirety of my soul
Because I knew
I knew.

We sat there stroking her back
He and I.
As she kept saying
I want to die
I looked up at him
And I saw it in his eyes
And he saw it in mine
Because he knew.
He knew.

Three broken people
Sitting at a party together.
Her sober thoughts coming out
As drunk words.
I heard it in her voice,
He saw it in my eyes,
I saw it in his eyes,
And for one second,
None of us were alone
Together we shared the pain.
Because we knew.
We knew.

Don't worry, love,
I know those gates of stone
stand firmly
to guard the most precious parts
of your soul.

I am not here like the others;
not as a warrior
planning a siege
or a strategist
plotting to knock them down.

I respect your walls too much.

You have fought in more wars
than most;
you have been betrayed by more loves
than most could survive -
your walls are the result
of your scars.

So here I stand before you,
my weapons laid down,
my intentions spread out before the Sun,
with nothing in my hands
but open palms,
asking you
to let me in.

Show me, love,
all those terrible,
beautiful
wild flowers
growing in your garden -
I want to do nothing
but paint them to remember,
and carry their fallen petals
safely in my heart.

Open up to me, please,
my love -
I am already yours.

I had to write this in case I die
And they go through my accounts, find my poems
I had to make sure they know that, despite what they read

I could never **** myself

I loved you all too much, I had too many plans
It's just that, I really wanted to sometimes, you know?
I saw too much reality in life
I saw all the endless ways I could die and it scared me

And I'm sorry Mom, that I never told you any of this
It's funny that, in your own way, you knew how this was going to play out
You were always afraid I'd be like Dad, never asking for help when I needed it the most
But I was going to, I swear
I was going to fix this, as soon as I went away to school
I just couldn't have you know this side of me
I loved you too much for that

And to the people who did know this side of me
I'm sorry too
For the moment when they first break the news that
"Rachel's dead"
And you think I really did **** myself and that you couldn't save me
The taste of relief bittersweet on your tongue when they tell you how it really happened

Just know that I wanted to make the world a better place
I never thought I was enough to do that, but I was trying
Every day, I got up and stuck a smile on my face
Even when I was hurting so badly that I wanted to **** myself
I WAS STILL TRYING

So please, all I ask is
Don't console yourself by thinking I'm in a better place
Every day, no matter how much it hurt, I chose life.

And so, on the off chance that I die tomorrow, or the next day or the next, I just had to get this out there.

My choice was always life.
It was always all of you.

With all my love and the final beatings of my heart,
Rachel

My heart shatters
When you hold me
My body shudders
Your arms around my shoulders
Pull silent tears from my eyes

The way my eyes look at me
They have always been cruel
But you-
Your embrace is one of solidity
One of caring
And if I could, I would leave myself folded in your arms for eternity
A hopeless addict stumbling for your light
Your love

Would you cry for me?
I want you to
I want you to hold me, and tell me
That I am powerful and beautiful and deserve better than this
I want you to lend me your frame so I may stand propped up against you
Because my feet only know solid ground when I am in your arms

You say
"I care"
And those two words are enough to break my heart