A good day
comes and goes,
and for most
not a thing is thought of it.
But for me,
a good day
causes bells to chime
a cheery ding,
and the world fills with color
for the first time in awhile.
And even if its just for a second,
that dash of color
makes all the difference.

I'm bored
With my everyday life
Its the very same
Everyday
I repeat the same *******
from the day before.
And as hard as I try
I can't seem to escape it...

It's consuming her,
Eating her alive.
From the inside out
It's devouring
Her very essence.
Ripping apart every aspect of her,
Leaving nothing a corpse.

A living breathing corpse,
That's all she is.
Just a shell of nothing,
No emotions, no anything
Everything was taken,
Taken away and destroyed.

Her family, friends
They all left,
Left her alone.
Alone it was easier for it to take her.
Easier to drag her down
To defeat her
To tear her apart
Piece by piece.

They don't realize they could have helped,
Helped her fight back
Helped her crawl out of the hole it dug
Helped her win the battle
Helped her get better
Helped save her
They could have saved me,
But they didn't.

Sometimes I think
it'd be easier
to be dead.
To have no responsibilities,
to be overwhelmed with.
To have no tasks,
to fail at.
To have no people,
to disappoint.
They tell me it would be easier,
for me at least,
but for them,
it would only make things harder.
And I begin to wonder
why they think
I care for their feelings,
When they never cared for mine.

Exams:
How wonderful they are
Because in the moments leading up to them
I’m ******* happy
A fantastic sense of euphoria
Something I haven’t felt in forever
Because teachers stop teaching
A few days before
Easy reviews and exam prep starts
And I get to relax
Nothing new to learn
Just old things to remember
Then they actually happen
And I remember why they’re so horrid
Cramming the night before
When your friends tell you
The test wasn’t as easy as you’d hoped
And remind you that no amount of prep could prepare you
Exams are ******* hard
Don’t you dare try to tell me otherwise.
I cry myself to sleep after hours of staring blankly at a full sheet of paper
Eyes wandering but not focusing
My mind turned to madness
Euphoria gone all too soon
And I’m back to hating myself
Wanting to quit and give up everything
But I can’t
Because as everybody says
It’s just exams
Like they don’t realize the anxieties and pressure that come from those four letters
I hate them
And the worst part is I know I’ll survive them
And have to suffer through again next year
And the year after that
Until the year that the exams conquer me
Absolutely destroying me inside and out
And I guess I’ll just wait for that to happen
Hopefully sooner rather than later.

I have an exhaustion,
Buried deep under my skin,
And as hard as I try,
I can't seem to rid myself of it.
I oversleep and under-sleep,
I overeat and I under-eat.
I try just short of everything,
To find any ounce of energy,
I lost so long ago.
But I should have known better,
This was not just exhaustion.
No amount of sleep could cure
what I am plagued with.
An exhaustion not from lack of energy,
but from a lack of euphoria.

I should forget you
Forget every little thing
that made me love you
I should move on
like you did with her
But I can't
Because I can't forget,
not a single moment of it.
So instead I'll wait,
for you.

I don’t care
And it’s as simple as that
I’ve given up even trying
Maybe I want to care
But I just can’t
Not anymore
Because I’ve been doing
My very best
To care
For so long
Yet you’ve hardly given
A single effort
For me.
I didn’t want to stop caring
I tried to hold onto it
But it slipped through my fingers
And now as hard as I try
I simply cannot care.
And I don’t care
That you don’t care
Because you’ve numbed me
To just about everything.

It's fine,
if you don't want to love me,
if you don't want to see me
in the same way I see you,
if you don't want to be more
than just friends.
It's fine,
if that's how you want to see me.
But please remember,
that I can't see you like that.
Because I do love you.
I dream of us being more than friends,
I want to feel your hand in mine,
your lips on mine.
But I have to remember,
for the sake of our friendship,
that you will never see me like that.
And I guess,
that's fine.

I woke up in a good mood
a strange occurrence for me
something I only experience
once in a blue moon
or however that expression goes.

I woke up in a good mood
I felt alive for the first time in a long time
I smiled, laughed, joked
but this time the smile was real
and I looked forward to the rest of the day.

I woke up in a good mood
and everything was fine
until it was all crashing down again
a smile faltered, a laugh stifled, a joke lost
and suddenly my mood wasn't so great.

I woke up in a good mood
I promise that just a few hours ago
I was doing fine
better than I had been in a long time
and to say I don't know what happened would be a lie.

I woke up in a good mood
and I don't want to point fingers
but if I wanted to I could
I know whose at fault
and as much as I want to say it was me, it wasn't.

I woke up in a good mood
or at least I think I did
but maybe it was just another mirage
a sliver of false hope
that only lasted for a few hours.

I woke up in a good mood
but I don't think I will tomorrow
or the day after that
maybe never again
but I guess that's not really up to me.

Leave me to die
with my heart in my hands
rivers down my face
gut-wrenching, twisting, stabbing pain.
Leave me to die
because its easier
to rise alone, stand alone
I hope you enjoy being by yourself
you may have been all I had
but I was all you had too.
Go right ahead
and leave me to die
you'll regret it
when I finally stand up
mend myself
fix the things you couldn't be bothered with.
Leave me to die
because I will be back
stronger than before
and I won't go back to you
not this time.
Leave me to die
and I will leave you to suffer alone.

What is love?
Is there really a definition
for something so broad.
I doubt you can narrow it down.
Which is why I say
"I don't know"
when you ask.
Because how do you know
if you've been in love
if you can't even define it?
Maybe I am in love
but how would I know?
How does anybody know
if they've ever truly loved someone?

I don't know what to write
Because I'm running out of words.
They used to pour out
cheerful, and euphoric
Then someone turned the dial,
straining my words,
cutting off my flow.
The words twisted and turned
\desperately trying to escape
But in the process
they turned dark and gloomy
losing any joy
they may have previously contained.

Midnight conversations
Are my favorite thing
People seem to open up more
When their brain is fogged
With a strong desire for sleep.
You get to know people
You thought you already knew.
And people who thought they know you
Learn more.
It’s a quieter type of conversation
One with flying thumbs
And a deafening silence surrounding you.
And I find peace
Knowing that I’m being heard
Without having to speak.

Your words,
oh your sweet and wonderful words
your beautiful and perfect words
Your terrible, horrible, misleading words.
Your words
that convinced me
that you care
that you understand
that you maybe even love me.
I was too naive before,
to see the truth.
Your truth
is full of lies
and deceit.
And how terrible
it was for me.
Believing in you
and your misleading words.
If only I had seen through them
before I had fallen so deep
to believe
your blatantly cruel and misleading words.
Maybe then
I could have stopped
the pain and suffering I felt
when you finally walked away
leaving your misleading words
to haunt me.

I can’t tell if music actually helps
Sometimes it distracts
Other times it presses
And ever once in a while
It sets me off
Tears spilling, heart breaking
I blame the music
Even though I know
Music has nothing to do with it.

I don't even care,
not anymore.
Nothing seems to matter,
not in my head
at least.
I've gone numb,
completely and totally
taken over
by a sense of nothingness.
I feel it everywhere,
from the very tips of my toes
to the longest hair on my head.
I feel it,
but at the same time
I don't feel anything at all.

I wish I was a bird
Maybe a blue jay or a finch
because I could brighten the world
with my vivid colors
and sing peacefully
through the mornings.
Maybe I could be a heron
large and lanky
with legs that stretch tall
and hold me higher than others.
But maybe being an owl would suit me
those smaller would fear me
my majestic and glorious self
large fluffy wings carrying me
all through the night.
But maybe I'd just be a hummingbird
Small and fragile
Almost invisible to everything else
yet I'd still make such an impact.
I guess I wish I was bird
because I'd finally be able to fly free
in a way I could never do
without a set of wings.

"Don't touch me," I whisper.
Usually a phrase reserved
for those who have a reason.
Abuse, assault, or something along those lines.
Not for me
a girl without a reason.
Maybe its an anxiety thing
or part of the depression.
Or simply because
I'm afraid.
Touch is equivalent to affection.
Maybe I think I don't deserve it
or maybe I'm scared to hold onto it.
But nevertheless
you'd think a person would listen.
Back away or freeze
And decide not to touch you
because its not what you want
whether its only a kiss or hug
from a family member
You'd think they'd register a no.
But they don't
they surge forward
wrapping themselves around you
suffocating me until I'm gasping for breath
"Please don't touch me"
means nothing to those
who have hugged you before
because they think they're special.

My shadow is dark
And I know you think all are
but I promise that my shadow
is burdened with a deep dark
shade of horrific black
that yours will never know

Sometimes,
you need to have a bad day,
you need to listen to sad music,
you need to have doubts,
you need to hate your closest friends,
you need to have a down moment,
you need to cry,
or scream,
or just be
whatever it is you need.
Because sometimes,
that is the only way you can recover.

They tell me to speak,
And relay my thoughts,
My hopes and dreams.
I have a lot to say,
Really, I do.
They tell me to speak,
But I can't.
Not when the words get trapped in my throat,
And I can't get them out,
Not a single ******* word.
I open my mouth and I try,
But the words skid along my throat,
and crash into my teeth,
So close to escaping,
Just not close enough.
They tell me to speak ,
but I can't.
Not when people watch and listen,
Listeners have opinions,
Harsh critiques and ride statements.
I would speak,
but I have a deep-set fear of their judging glares.
I have a lot to say,
But the world doesn't want to hear it.

It hurts
Every bone in my body aches
Unbearable pains lace through my system
My headache a constant
My heart
The only thing I can’t feel
Because it’s gone numb
From breaking over and over
My cheeks
Always laced with wet tracks
And my eyes
A waterfall I control.
My eyelids are heavy
But not with sleep
Instead with the same weight
On my heart
And my chest
It’s a panic
Uncontrollable in every way.
So my mind is racing
And twisting and turning.
With dark, gloomy thoughts.
And I need your help
Because I break more and more everyday.

That’s what I almost say
But instead
I squeak out
“I’m fine.”
And walk away.

Time, time, time
there's always too much
or just not enough
and nobody ever seems
to just be happy
with what time
they already have

Too bright, too dark
Too loud, too quiet
Too hot, too cold
Too much
Its all just too much
The lights can't dim enough
without being too dark
Nobody can be silent enough
without being too quiet
It will always be too hot or too cold
because for me
the middle-ground doesn't exist

And it all came bursting out
Words filling page after page
in what seems like an endless flow
my words held in for far too long.

I want to write beauty, serenity, peace
And sometimes I start with that
But by the end it’s twisted
Pain, sorrow, chaos
The flow of it may be beautiful
Even though the meaning is anything but.

I'm feeling overwhelmed
and you tell me to try harder
As if you don't even realize
I'm already doing the best I can.

Half-full or half-empty?
But does the amount of water
really matter
when the glass shatters...

Everything hurts
But not stabbing pains
just a dull ache that spreads over me
leaving me helpless to do anything but suffer
my insides itch and my outsides burn
and I don't think I can stop it
I don't think it will ever stop.

I feel like writing
but what?
What is there left
to talk about?
Just about everything's
been said or done
at some point,
so what is there left to write.
And how can it be
that there are still
new combinations
for people to write.
So now what do I write?
Well,
I guess this will do.

Giving up isn’t as hard as you’d think
Because I’ve given up thinking as well.

I want to scream, cry, run
But I can’t
Not here in front of my peers
Not at home in front of my parents
Not alone in front of a mirror.
I hate myself and I hate my life
But I can’t do a **** thing about them
So I sit
Still and quiet
My hands shaking beneath my desk
And my breathing slightly faster than normal
And my head aching with a swell of fear
And I do my best to fit in
To be okay
Just like everybody else.

I haven’t written anything
Not in awhile at least
And for a minute
I think it’s because
I’ve finally lost myself
My creative side at least.
But soon I realize
It’s simply because
I’m happy.
The things I write
Are twisted and depressing
Sometimes too dark
To even represent
My true self.
But they were decent
Some even good
And it makes me miss
Being sad.

There are too many
too too many
they fill my head
and pound at my skull
begging to be released
but they can't escape
I can't let them escape
They could hurt
and they could damage
those around me
so I hold tight
to my truth
to protect everyone
even though
its slowly killing me.

There it is again
that feeling of dread
of anxiety and stress
a feeling so overwhelming
that I have to stop
to catch my breath.

I feel too much
and not a thing at all
at the same time.
And its so **** confusing
that I can't even breathe.

Just when I thought
That I had dug myself out
You come in
Preaching your wonderful lies
And you drag me back under
Burying me deeper
Than before
And maybe this time
I’ll just let myself rot instead.

"What a time to be alive"
She shouts over the crowd
As her mind sinks lower
and her anxieties climb higher
and she realizes
just how little she believes
in her very own words.

People come
and people go
and we are taught
to accept it
not to fight it
not to try
and make a difference
maybe I don't want
everybody or anybody
to leave me
maybe I want
to fight
for some to stay.

I'm doing my best
to keep it all hidden inside
and I do it for you.
So you don't have to see the scary parts
the parts that are twisted and terrifying
so you only see the bright
and shiny exterior.
I'm trying to protect you
I think
or maybe I'm only protecting myself

I was an idiot
Blinded by smiling teeth,
A hint of red in pink lips,
Flecks of hazel dotting green eyes.
smeared mascara tricking me into thinking
That maybe you cared.

And suddenly it was dark
the kind of pitch black causes children to screech
but little did they know
the dark couldn't scare me anymore

She flies
Wings spread wide
and head held high
Soaring above the clouds
and out of sight
she flies
And as I watch from the ground
a single tear rolls down
my own wings limp behind me
able to do nothing but watch
as she leaves me behind

Why be loud
When you can sit silent
Why go out
When you can stay hidden
Why be awake
When you can dream.

Wake up,
no breakfast,
it's too early for that.
Go to school,
no sleep,
there's no time for that.
Attend classes,
get stressed,
no time to cry about that.
Survive the morning,
small lunch,
too many people for that.
Go home,
do homework,
no time for anything but that.
Eat dinner,
hold in complaints,
no open ears for that.
Go to bed,
don't sleep,
too awake for that.
Wake up,
repeat the motions,
too late to change that.

Nobody tells you
The hardest part of waking up
Is falling asleep in the first place.

I'm angry
so ******* ******
that I'm shaking in my seat
two seconds from exploding
because nothing ever goes right
there's always a hiccup or a blip
that ***** everything up
and I can't do a **** thing about it

It started off quiet,
delicately deceiving her,
tricking her into trust.
Carefully infiltrating her every thought.
An once it had a hold inside her,
it subtly got louder.
The whispers told her new things,
playing off her fears and insecurities.
At first she blocked it out,
choosing to listen to a kinder voice.
But whispers turned to screams,
And she found them much harder to ignore.
Soon the only sound she heard
was the constant buzz of harsh and unforgiving words.
There was shouting, yelling, and screams,
and she could barely keep it together.
Soon the voices dug deeper
exposing her anxieties, and worst fears.
It was constant,
and she didn't know how to make it stop.
That is until,
the voice force fed her answers.
And she figured it out,
everything was finally quiet again,
But only for a few minutes.
And as the last fragments of life,
faded from her eyes,
she realized that the voices had won.

Everything’s spinning
The silk wrapped around me gets thicker
Squeezing me
Constricting
Until I can’t breathe
I gasp and beg for breath
But the cocoon only grows tighter
Like my begging and crying
Means absolutely nothing.