I guess you're sleeping, I would be surprised if you weren't.
I'm sharing my thoughts with you. I think you care but I'm not sure. People say they care all the time and they really don't.
Maybe I'm sharing with you because you are so far away and it's easier that way. I don't have to see the shame or disappointment in your eyes.
Haven't heard your voice in a while and maybe that's a good thing. Because I honestly for whatever reason believe there is  something different about you. I'm rambling. If you were standing in front of me I would be tripping over my words.
I feel like screaming. Just to let everything out. I am losing myself. I have no idea who or what I want to be anymore. I'm trying to see positivity but I'm clouded in despair and I don't know what to do anymore. I hate that I'm losing me.
It is so hard to breathe, I really don't want to be anymore, I don't care to exist.
I am unhappy.

He, made a way with his soft words.
I couldn’t not listen.
You know that feeling right?
When his whisper moves slowly down your spine. That soft breeze.. yeah..
He, made sure that my thoughts and his were aligned. I mean he checked in you know?

I wanted to love, he made that happen.
There was a time when a smile would travel miles along my thighs and I couldn’t help myself..
I was ready for what was never going to happen.
It was just a smile..

He, wants more now.
More I am not willing to give..
More I am not capable of giving..
More I’m sure I don’t deserve.

It was a time like this that I thought I knew you.
We were, always talking about something..everything and sometimes nothing at all.
With every smile it took a while for me to acknowledge your efforts. To accept that you wanted my laughter, you yearned for my happiness.
Looking back, I envy those who love without fear. The ones who welcome the fall and those who chase it.

Why does the caged bird sing?

I wanted you to see me.
That I was ready to fulfill your every desire.
Your smile, laughter, your cries... your tears mean so much more
..so much more.
I wanted to make you happy, I wanted to see your dreams come true.
You could have been so much more.
My every moment, my reason for being.
A love that gives unconditionally to those unwilling to receive,
my foolish philosopher, all these things and so much more.
I am starting to think "you" will never exist.
In these moments while reflecting I see how "he" could never be "him".
Thus this life, the reason for it, I haven't found it yet..

The caged bird sings because,
…birds sing.

Every morning I awake to the same thing.
The walls are ever slowly closing..
Warped into this dark hole,
slowly sinking still.
It amazes me that they can't see.
Even now,
how close I am to the edge. To the end of my existence.
She's suffering silently,
submerged into the depths of loneliness.
Ever aching, forever unsure.

He deleted the pictures she took.
Just like that, he erased what they were.
All those memories that you shared?
She had your heart.
You said it yourself, you loved her.
She held you heart in the palms of her hands,
you were fearless enough then.
Yeah, you would rest your head on her chest and listen to her heartbeat.
You know better than anyone else what makes her happy.
You know the depth of her scars and her fears. You know how deep her trust runs, I mean you held her when she cried.
You've seen her inner being, guard less.
And now without hesitation, you erased any evidence of her ever being there.

Is it the way her smile constricts your heart?
Or maybe her eyes sees deep within your tattered soul..
Is it the way her body curves? Bending the rules of physics drawing you deep with her junction.
What is it?
Could it be her long legs that distracts you from your journey? Do you lose sight of what's ahead because of them?
What makes her so beautiful???
When she speaks does your heart race a mile a minute?
Does her pouty lips leave you in a daze?
Who is she? And what makes her beautiful?
Do you care for her words at all?
Her mind, is that a factor?
Does it matter if her insides are broken and useless?
If she's unable to love, is she still considered beautiful?
Who defines her beauty?
Who does it belong to? You or her?
I'm curious.. What does it mean to be beautiful?
Why would anyone want to be beautiful..

I understand my selfishness now.
I’ve been greedy and careless with my wants and desires.
My world isn’t just about me,
So,
Here is my apology.

No one was allowed to get close.
No, I didn’t want you in. I needed control of every feeling and if you threatened that you were done away with.

Even now I am content with loneliness but it’s unfair for me to expect you to feel the same.
I had an epiphany or maybe you could call it divine intervention.
God loves me. I mean, He loves everybody, but when I think about the thoughts that I have and things I haven’t said,
He still loves me.
I’m sorry. .
I don’t know how to express the things going on in my head.
And what I’m writing probably doesn’t make sense,
I just thought it unfair that I wouldn’t do the same.
Allow them close.
You know,
the people who care.
Still, I am a work in progress.
At least I’m aware..?
I won’t promise to let you in or even invite you closer,
And I’m not saying it will never happen either..
Just not now.
I’m still learning love, to love.

Love is a misused word isn't it?
Every time you turn around there is something more beautiful that attracts and distracts you.
Tell me where your love rest here?
This love that leaves you breathless, that tatters your heart with every intake.
It pales in comparison.
Honestly I'm sick to death of this pretense.
Saying you care with your tears whilst screaming in my ear the words truer than you admit.
I'm next to hating you. No, I think I already do. It isn't the fear of love but this love itself that drives me insane.
This useless anger I feel when you are near. I hate it which in turn makes me hate you.
Of course these words are empty, much like the looks in your eyes when you smile.

We can not win Lord.
“You” ask me to trust and hold on.
“You” ask me to forgive and love without question.
“You” ask me to give of myself more than I believe is there.
“You” ask these things of me, expecting me to bend willingly..
And I want to..
God, I don’t know how.

I remember when all I thought we'd ever be was friends.
No honestly, I remember when I thought we would never be friends.
Then you became my best friend and then my boyfriend.

I remember not believing in love, you didn't either..
I remember when you made me believe.

I remember when we argued about things that never made sense. I remember not talking for days on end. I remember things changing the moment we saw each other and I remember things staying the same even then.

I remember the way you looked at me, how you stared so deeply.
I remember our moments of honesty and trust and I remember when love turned to lust.

I remember when you broke my heart and how everything fell apart. I remember the pain in my chest and the thoughts in my head. I remember wanting it all to end.
I remember when I hated you again or at least I wanted to, even then I still wanted you.

Now I'm sitting here remembering when my love was true... Remembering I only ever loved you.

He will love me for more than my body.
He'll be too busy caressing my mind, too entwined with my thoughts. Longing for what I'll say next, preparing to engage in a verbal warfare that will only increase our desires for knowledge.
He will love me for the time I spend taking apart the things he say and putting them together in a differ way. We'll challenge each other. I know because with him I won't be afraid. I'll know love and happiness. I'll know honestly and care. We'll worship together. And pray.
He will love me because he loves God more and I'll love him for the same.

I'm always in a rush to be more than I am at the moment. Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to be more,
It's just that tomorrow isn't promise to anyone. Later isn't guaranteed.
I only have now.
Right now I choose to be happy. I choose the life that I am now living to smile and feel okay regardless of death's glare.

And the love that I am afraid of, the hurt and pain that I've experienced before and most likely to come, I welcome it now with open arms.
Every second I'm alive is borrowed time. I choose to be happy. I choose honesty, loyalty and friendship. While I can't trust everyone I won't walk around with distrust in my heart. I'm tired of being cynical.
I welcome the rain, the snow and the heat. Whatever it is that comes charging in and banging on doors ready to break and destroy, I'll fight however I can.

I choose to accept life as it is. Should sadness barge in one day, I'll cry. No more holding back tears in fear of looking weak. I'll holler and scream when I am angry at the world and its tragedies. Things that I have no way of controlling but I am feeling, I will express myself.

And I will walk, run, swim, dance whatever way I choose to exercise, when I feel like. I will not be dictated by social standards. I choose to enjoy the skin I'm in.
This is not for anyone but me, right now in this moment that I'm living, I choose to be free.

It's the images , the after images that scares me. No one really pays attention to the pictures. No one is focused on what's left, you know?
They don't care about what's painted on your heart.
It'll make you cold.. the images, the after images..
Once upon a time we'd look forward to the happily ever after,
now we fear the thought of forever.
I know I hate it, the curse that follows 'I do'.
**** it,
I've lost track of my thoughts.
It's the images, the after images is what I fear.
I've found peace in the darkness, in the emptiness,
I lost hope in the possibilities.
Lots of empty eyes with plastic smiles promising friendship.
You were,
the peace I searched for, found, and lost.
With little left to keep me sane I found comfort in poison.
Beautiful poison that slowly calmed my chaotic thoughts..
Even now it wouldn't be fair to hate the world, but I do.
Let your heart free on this sheet of paper, let it breathe, let go..
Let it out, all the thoughts you've kept to yourself.. Just breathe, for this moment try to be free.
It's hard huh?
..yeah, I know.

Sometimes in the pits of hell you find relief,
As far as how that is possible that's undefinable. Some how you picture peace in the heat. Outside of the pain you feel day in day out the mind finds a way to create peace.
And it's funny really, you become so deluded that you actually believe that it's happiness.
This never ending cycle, in the pits you sink deeper still.
Without even meaning to you adapt to your unhappiness thinking it the norm.
I truly hate it here..

Captivated by your sincerity, I'm in awe of your heart. Poison drip from your lips, sweet still.
Come closer to this forbidden fruit, Take part and be satisfied.
Trust your touch and free your mind. Close your eyes and let go or grip tighter if you must. It's just us.
Me and you..

I am impatient.
The time will come when you won't matter.
You'll be a stranger to me,
the sound of your name on their tongue will have no affect on my heart.
Stranger.
I am eager to forget everything that is you.

How did I let this happen?
Usually the guards would be up instead I left myself bare.

Like a broken record with no real message I repeat the same foolish message to anyone who is willing to listen.
If they don't hate you, they hate me because of you..

Soon you won't exist in my world and I am impatient..

" I call him love because all my thoughts of him reminds me of it. Nothing else fits. I could be wrong but I hope I'm right.
..yeah, for me he's love."

"I mean, that's just how I feel at the moment. My feelings tend to change with the seasons. Though we always come back here.. "

"Right back where we started, always."

"Love accepted me I believe. My flaws which are easy to see and the ones that take some digging to find.."

"Love is mine. He belongs to me. I only need his heart, if that's mine then surely everything else will fall into place.."

"Though you never know."

For whatever reason my heart sank deep into the pits of my stomach,
I thought I was okay but suddenly I felt like crying.
There was a growing mountain in my throat and it became very hard to breathe.
Why is this happening?

Fear, that's what it is. Who am I afraid of this time?
Failure?
Though his stench has followed me along the past couple of years I didn't want to think of him today.
Who said you failed?

Apart of my existence it seems is to **** any hope I have inside before anyone else could. How will you ever make it past the first step if you're too afraid to try?
Knowing this still didn't quell my trembling hands and racing heart.
What am I so afraid of?

I wanted you for myself.
All the time. With me always.
God knows best.
This river flowing within runs deep.
These feelings are lasting and can never be wasted.
God knows best.
The hurt that would follow I’m sure would be unrepairable.
I’m tired.
Frustrated.
A little angry too.
I wanted you for myself.
All the time.
With me always..
But, God knows best.

I want to introduce to my love language.
Show you places you’ve never dreamed of.
I want to experience myself with you,
Turn pages, start new chapters.
Let me show you my imagination.
Get into this creativity babe..
Wouldn’t you like to see my artistic side ?😏
Trust me, this is more than a joyride.

I’m sure we’ll reach pinnacles, overcome obstacles, engage in satisfying battles, lets leave a mess 🤫
It’s a first for me too, believe that.
Only you, no one else.

You ..
..were different. I still think so.
I could have, so many times, fallen into you.
Or,
maybe it was the thought of you.
What you could be. What you will become.
I’m jealous.
She’ll have all of what I’ve wanted.
What I think I need now.
But it’s not you and it’s not us.

I've been foolish but I take full responsibility.
One day I'll stop looking at love from a distance.
I won't be scared to get close,
today is not that day though.
Blame it on romanticism.

I still feel your lips,
your hands in mine.
I can still feel your skin,
your breath on my breast,
the warmth I crave.
I can still feel your touch,
Is this what they call lust?
You were different.
And I liked that very much.

I know all too well what it means to let go.
So, no.
I won't cry for your attention.
If anything I'd rather leave you alone.
People scream their feelings,
you will always know their intentions.
Just pay attention to their actions.