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Khaniek Sep 29
I’ve been far too comfortable.
That’s not true.
I’ve been tolerating my discomfort, living amongst my pain, cuddling my burdens and stroking my grief.
I’ve mothered my depression into adulthood.

Far closer than my shadow it has become molded to me. A second skin.
It smiles with me,
We model new shoes, try new food and do crazy things together.

Every news is the same.
We’ve lost interest in this world.
If you had options, would you stay on this planet? Exist in this universe ? Is it that the stars  are against us ?

We don’t have options though, do we..
With each heavy breath,
it is enough that I still breathe.
Khaniek Sep 2017
I don't know how to make this poetic.
I don't care to make it beautiful.
Even now I'm questioning why I'm letting this out. Not even in my black book do I wish to share this nightmare.

"I want to let go though..

There is so much hidden behind this smile. So much discomfort when they brush against my skin, nothing but lies when I hear them speak, the reason why 'love' is something I admire for afar..

I get lost in my writing,
It's very therapeutic. But even this will haunt me for days. How would you suggest letting go of this dark space?

He's right here with me,
Even now.
The reason why I hate them. He's constantly whispering in my ear, giving me reasons why I shouldn't allow anyone close. He's right on my back always a heavy load.

I still can't find the words to rid myself of his face..

I don't know how to share, my nightmare."
Khaniek Mar 2018
It's the images , the after images that scares me. No one really pays attention to the pictures. No one is focused on what's left, you know?
They don't care about what's painted on your heart.
It'll make you cold.. the images, the after images..
Once upon a time we'd look forward to the happily ever after,
now we fear the thought of forever.
I know I hate it, the curse that follows 'I do'.
**** it,
I've lost track of my thoughts.
It's the images, the after images is what I fear.
I've found peace in the darkness, in the emptiness,
I lost hope in the possibilities.
Lots of empty eyes with plastic smiles promising friendship.
You were,
the peace I searched for, found, and lost.
With little left to keep me sane I found comfort in poison.
Beautiful poison that slowly calmed my chaotic thoughts..
Even now it wouldn't be fair to hate the world, but I do.
Let your heart free on this sheet of paper, let it breathe, let go..
Let it out, all the thoughts you've kept to yourself.. Just breathe, for this moment try to be free.
It's hard huh?
..yeah, I know.
Khaniek Nov 2017
Seeing where the world ends and where it should begin,
caught up in what was instead of what is.

Craving sweet nothings and empty promises just to make the  day lighter.

Wanting the lies, just to be comforted enough to sleep through one
night.
Knowing the truth and ignoring it for the a pleasure that will soon disappear..  too soon.

Lost in a paradise created by envy and greed, selfishly separating myself but staying close enough to fuel the fire, accepting the warmth it creates , but still so cold.

Living in a time where everything is a game and everyone is in a hurry, no can be trusted and your bestfriend is the one plotting your demise.

Sweet revenge on my tongue, the bittersweet taste of loving what's wrong.
Khaniek Aug 2019
I will be true to you.
The stars can't compare,
the sun won't be bright enough to light our days,
In heaven, in the void we'll soar deeper and deeper still.
To the you on the other side of fate,
waiting to hold my hand and caress my face,
To the you, waiting desperately to ******* lips, to blossom from that kiss.
I will be true.
I will save my love for you.
Only you..
Khaniek Jul 2017
For whatever reason my heart sank deep into the pits of my stomach,
I thought I was okay but suddenly I felt like crying.
There was a growing mountain in my throat and it became very hard to breathe.
Why is this happening?

Fear, that's what it is. Who am I afraid of this time?
Failure?
Though his stench has followed me along the past couple of years I didn't want to think of him today.
Who said you failed?

Apart of my existence it seems is to **** any hope I have inside before anyone else could. How will you ever make it past the first step if you're too afraid to try?
Knowing this still didn't quell my trembling hands and racing heart.
What am I so afraid of?
Khaniek Feb 2020
I wanted you for myself.
All the time. With me always.
God knows best.
This river flowing within runs deep.
These feelings are lasting and can never be wasted.
God knows best.
The hurt that would follow I’m sure would be unrepairable.
I’m tired.
Frustrated.
A little angry too.
I wanted you for myself.
All the time.
With me always..
But, God knows best.
Khaniek Jul 2018
Life is funny and amazing and scary and confusing.
Sometimes I love it and most times I hate it.

In life love comes unnoticed, it creeps in and before you know it you are under its spell.
Why is it that the forbidden fruit tastes so sweet.?
Even after Eve we still feast on what we shouldn’t.
Consequences be ****** we all say.
Driven by lust still.
Life is forever bittersweet is it not?
I envy those who walk perfectly in the light.
I feel sorry for them too..

It could be that they understand better than I
do the rewards of the straight and narrow. While I wrestle with the devils, fueling my own demise.
Still it is intriguing..
The forbidden fruit.
Khaniek Aug 2017
For a second it was only you.
I saw the emptiness in her eyes and I knew she was gone.
Whoever I needed her to be is no more. Just a ghost. An after image of her former self.
In that moment fear gripped at my heart and everything around became strangely still.
My only focus was her eyes.
The possibility that I might lose her never occurred to me.
This person that I knew better than anyone else..
So sure that anything she did would never surprise me.. How wrong I was.
How did I manage to lose myself?
Khaniek Jul 2018
He, made a way with his soft words.
I couldn’t not listen.
You know that feeling right?
When his whisper moves slowly down your spine. That soft breeze.. yeah..
He, made sure that my thoughts and his were aligned. I mean he checked in you know?

I wanted to love, he made that happen.
There was a time when a smile would travel miles along my thighs and I couldn’t help myself..
I was ready for what was never going to happen.
It was just a smile..

He, wants more now.
More I am not willing to give..
More I am not capable of giving..
More I’m sure I don’t deserve.
Khaniek Oct 2020
We can not win Lord.
“You” ask me to trust and hold on.
“You” ask me to forgive and love without question.
“You” ask me to give of myself more than I believe is there.
“You” ask these things of me, expecting me to bend willingly..
And I want to..
God, I don’t know how.
Khaniek May 2020
I want to introduce to my love language.
Show you places you’ve never dreamed of.
I want to experience myself with you,
Turn pages, start new chapters.
Let me show you my imagination.
Get into this creativity babe..
Wouldn’t you like to see my artistic side ?😏
Trust me, this is more than a joyride.

I’m sure we’ll reach pinnacles, overcome obstacles, engage in satisfying battles, lets leave a mess 🤫
It’s a first for me too, believe that.
Only you, no one else.
Khaniek Mar 2019
He became more than I wanted him to be..

I don't love you, but I think of you every day. In fact, I think I hate you. You took from me what others have begged for. It's enough for me to hate you.
I would never say I love you. Because I don't.
I miss you.
I want to see you.
I want you next to me.
Still, I don't love you.

I want to understand, I really wish I could understand what happened but it doesn't matter anymore.
Karma is a ***** and then you die...
Khaniek Jul 2017
Sometimes in the pits of hell you find relief,
As far as how that is possible that's undefinable. Some how you picture peace in the heat. Outside of the pain you feel day in day out the mind finds a way to create peace.
And it's funny really, you become so deluded that you actually believe that it's happiness.
This never ending cycle, in the pits you sink deeper still.
Without even meaning to you adapt to your unhappiness thinking it the norm.
I truly hate it here..
#life
Khaniek Sep 2017
I'm always in a rush to be more than I am at the moment. Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to be more,
It's just that tomorrow isn't promise to anyone. Later isn't guaranteed.
I only have now.
Right now I choose to be happy. I choose the life that I am now living to smile and feel okay regardless of death's glare.

And the love that I am afraid of, the hurt and pain that I've experienced before and most likely to come, I welcome it now with open arms.
Every second I'm alive is borrowed time. I choose to be happy. I choose honesty, loyalty and friendship. While I can't trust everyone I won't walk around with distrust in my heart. I'm tired of being cynical.
I welcome the rain, the snow and the heat. Whatever it is that comes charging in and banging on doors ready to break and destroy, I'll fight however I can.

I choose to accept life as it is. Should sadness barge in one day, I'll cry. No more holding back tears in fear of looking weak. I'll holler and scream when I am angry at the world and its tragedies. Things that I have no way of controlling but I am feeling, I will express myself.

And I will walk, run, swim, dance whatever way I choose to exercise, when I feel like. I will not be dictated by social standards. I choose to enjoy the skin I'm in.
This is not for anyone but me, right now in this moment that I'm living, I choose to be free.
Khaniek Aug 2017
There is something that bothers me.
Time and time again I've tried relying on friends but they no longer seem real to me.
It could be that I am not the person I should be and everyone around can see that..
Or it's them and not me.
What exactly does that have to do with my dreams?
Nothing really.
There is this emptiness in my chest that leaves me cold and often breathless and I can't help but to think it's because of them and not me.
Of course that doesn't make sense.
Unless it does and I'm completely lost again.
Khaniek Sep 2017
I've wondered time and time again what the world must look like to an artist. Especially nature.
I get lost in the clouds when I stare too long..
sometimes, most times I hate myself for not having the words to explain what's in my head.
If I tried to describe how the sun feels on my skin or,
flying above the clouds looking down,
I just don't have the words..

A blanket covering the earth I would say or  a warmth I wish to touch. I don't have words I say..

I wish I did know though so I could share my exact feelings  with whoever  is accepting.
Some day I wish to use my words as a paint brush, maybe then I would be considered an artist too.
Khaniek Jul 2017
Captivated by your sincerity, I'm in awe of your heart. Poison drip from your lips, sweet still.
Come closer to this forbidden fruit, Take part and be satisfied.
Trust your touch and free your mind. Close your eyes and let go or grip tighter if you must. It's just us.
Me and you..
Khaniek Feb 2018
I understand my selfishness now.
I’ve been greedy and careless with my wants and desires.
My world isn’t just about me,
So,
Here is my apology.

No one was allowed to get close.
No, I didn’t want you in. I needed control of every feeling and if you threatened that you were done away with.

Even now I am content with loneliness but it’s unfair for me to expect you to feel the same.
I had an epiphany or maybe you could call it divine intervention.
God loves me. I mean, He loves everybody, but when I think about the thoughts that I have and things I haven’t said,
He still loves me.
I’m sorry. .
I don’t know how to express the things going on in my head.
And what I’m writing probably doesn’t make sense,
I just thought it unfair that I wouldn’t do the same.
Allow them close.
You know,
the people who care.
Still, I am a work in progress.
At least I’m aware..?
I won’t promise to let you in or even invite you closer,
And I’m not saying it will never happen either..
Just not now.
I’m still learning love, to love.
Khaniek Dec 2017
I want more words.
Talk to me more please.
Show me how much you need me to hear your thoughts.
I want to be inside of your head, right there chasing away your doubts.
Is that too much?
Let me in baby, I’ll show you peace in there.
Inside those fears I’ll shine love.
This is it though,
I won’t ask again. .
Khaniek Oct 2020
In the beginning it’s beautiful, I hate that.
I’d forgotten before the reason for love.
Why we search in earnest for pain.
Pain you can’t ignore even if you try.
Pain that drives you to seek peace, even in the depths of depravity.
How we ache for relief, yearn for freedom..
To be free from what life thought love would never be.
Don’t ask for an explanation.
Take from this what you will.

How easily they forget..
so easy to forget..
Selfish being, you are the worst of them.
“Let your guard down, you’ll be safe with me. “
Lies. Fool.

I’ve given up on what’s left of love in my heart.
No longer eager to find what the world thinks I need to feel complete.
I’m tired and empty.
Nothing left to offer,
And even if I did,
my fear of being robbed of the last bit of me is too constricting.
What hurts more than realizing you meant nothing to someone who you thought was everything?
Ah, I’m done.
Khaniek May 2020
I don’t think about you.
Instead, I think of ways to be happy.
You are not a part of that.

In my mind, love comes to me.
Loud and clear without hesitation,
Love finds me.

For this to be true,
I know it isn’t you.

Before,
The sun was my reason.
The stars, moon, galaxies, never ending space,
Guiding light, journey without end.
More than fairytales..

Love that is real.
Love that means more..
Khaniek Apr 2019
I am impatient.
The time will come when you won't matter.
You'll be a stranger to me,
the sound of your name on their tongue will have no affect on my heart.
Stranger.
I am eager to forget everything that is you.

How did I let this happen?
Usually the guards would be up instead I left myself bare.

Like a broken record with no real message I repeat the same foolish message to anyone who is willing to listen.
If they don't hate you, they hate me because of you..

Soon you won't exist in my world and I am impatient..
Khaniek Mar 2018
Love lives within the moon,
I see the moon in your eyes.
Do I need to explain further?
Love lives within the stars,
I see the stars when you smile,
Now do you understand?
The nights are peaceful when you're near. Beautiful dreams no place for nightmares.
I think I've found it... my wonderland.
Khaniek Aug 2017
It's a constant beating in your chest..
The love that you confessed, the feeling now you are unsure of..
Is it tearing you apart slowly?
When you rest between her thighs, when she's close whispering in your ear, when she plays in your hair, do you feel it then?
The love you easily proclaimed; this is why I hate men..
That's not fair of me is it? I'll leave it be.
I hope the pulsing of your manhood after you've reached your capacity and the release you get be as pleasurable as any can be.
I hope it satisfies your never ending need to rest between the thighs of maybes..
Khaniek Jul 2017
It was a time like this that I thought I knew you.
We were, always talking about something..everything and sometimes nothing at all.
With every smile it took a while for me to acknowledge your efforts. To accept that you wanted my laughter, you yearned for my happiness.
Looking back, I envy those who love without fear. The ones who welcome the fall and those who chase it.
Khaniek Mar 2018
He deleted the pictures she took.
Just like that, he erased what they were.
All those memories that you shared?
She had your heart.
You said it yourself, you loved her.
She held you heart in the palms of her hands,
you were fearless enough then.
Yeah, you would rest your head on her chest and listen to her heartbeat.
You know better than anyone else what makes her happy.
You know the depth of her scars and her fears. You know how deep her trust runs, I mean you held her when she cried.
You've seen her inner being, guard less.
And now without hesitation, you erased any evidence of her ever being there.
Khaniek Jan 2018
You can’t be mad if she found love. You never loved her. She has evolved.  Love is a lesson and she’s a student, ready and willing. The past has no presence here.
Khaniek Sep 2017
I remember when all I thought we'd ever be was friends.
No honestly, I remember when I thought we would never be friends.
Then you became my best friend and then my boyfriend.

I remember not believing in love, you didn't either..
I remember when you made me believe.

I remember when we argued about things that never made sense. I remember not talking for days on end. I remember things changing the moment we saw each other and I remember things staying the same even then.

I remember the way you looked at me, how you stared so deeply.
I remember our moments of honesty and trust and I remember when love turned to lust.

I remember when you broke my heart and how everything fell apart. I remember the pain in my chest and the thoughts in my head. I remember wanting it all to end.
I remember when I hated you again or at least I wanted to, even then I still wanted you.

Now I'm sitting here remembering when my love was true... Remembering I only ever loved you.
I miss your laugh and the stupid things you said. I miss listening to you play your guitar and sitting on your bed. I miss cleaning your mess room or making you do it instead. I miss the music you played that I sometimes hear in my head. I know that what we were is dead and missing you is all I'll get..
Khaniek Aug 2017
Love is a misused word isn't it?
Every time you turn around there is something more beautiful that attracts and distracts you.
Tell me where your love rest here?
This love that leaves you breathless, that tatters your heart with every intake.
It pales in comparison.
Honestly I'm sick to death of this pretense.
Saying you care with your tears whilst screaming in my ear the words truer than you admit.
I'm next to hating you. No, I think I already do. It isn't the fear of love but this love itself that drives me insane.
This useless anger I feel when you are near. I hate it which in turn makes me hate you.
Of course these words are empty, much like the looks in your eyes when you smile.
Khaniek Aug 2017
" I call him love because all my thoughts of him reminds me of it. Nothing else fits. I could be wrong but I hope I'm right.
..yeah, for me he's love."

"I mean, that's just how I feel at the moment. My feelings tend to change with the seasons. Though we always come back here.. "

"Right back where we started, always."

"Love accepted me I believe. My flaws which are easy to see and the ones that take some digging to find.."

"Love is mine. He belongs to me. I only need his heart, if that's mine then surely everything else will fall into place.."

"Though you never know."
Khaniek Jul 2017
I close my eyes on sleepless nights and think of you..
I picture the way you sound,
Like waves crashing against the shore when you speak.
The way you smell,
Like flowers after a storm.
Someone amazing i would like to believe.
Never having met you I'm already in love..
Your mind will be the opposite of mine I hope,
If not it, it will be a repeat of that brokenness that lies deep.
Yes, you will be different from me,
We'll learn each other in ways unimaginable ..
We will seek love, trust love, worship love together.
You'll bow before Him and I will succumb to you whilst you depend solely on Him. Then and only then.
Khaniek Apr 2020
You ..
..were different. I still think so.
I could have, so many times, fallen into you.
Or,
maybe it was the thought of you.
What you could be. What you will become.
I’m jealous.
She’ll have all of what I’ve wanted.
What I think I need now.
But it’s not you and it’s not us.
Khaniek Aug 2017
I guess you're sleeping, I would be surprised if you weren't.
I'm sharing my thoughts with you. I think you care but I'm not sure. People say they care all the time and they really don't.
Maybe I'm sharing with you because you are so far away and it's easier that way. I don't have to see the shame or disappointment in your eyes.
Haven't heard your voice in a while and maybe that's a good thing. Because I honestly for whatever reason believe there is  something different about you. I'm rambling. If you were standing in front of me I would be tripping over my words.
I feel like screaming. Just to let everything out. I am losing myself. I have no idea who or what I want to be anymore. I'm trying to see positivity but I'm clouded in despair and I don't know what to do anymore. I hate that I'm losing me.
It is so hard to breathe, I really don't want to be anymore, I don't care to exist.
I am unhappy.
Khaniek Aug 2019
let's sail,
Find strength in the wind.
Dream on the ship, I want to be carefree.

We could soar in their disbelief
but I already know you're not the one.
Why am I wasting my time,
Again.
I'm being lazy in love,
far too impatient..
Khaniek Jan 2020
I've been foolish but I take full responsibility.
One day I'll stop looking at love from a distance.
I won't be scared to get close,
today is not that day though.
Blame it on romanticism.

I still feel your lips,
your hands in mine.
I can still feel your skin,
your breath on my breast,
the warmth I crave.
I can still feel your touch,
Is this what they call lust?
You were different.
And I liked that very much.

I know all too well what it means to let go.
So, no.
I won't cry for your attention.
If anything I'd rather leave you alone.
People scream their feelings,
you will always know their intentions.
Just pay attention to their actions.
Khaniek Jan 2020
Simple truths..
I wanna hold you.
Kiss you.
Stare in your eyes.
I wanna hear you talk.
See you smile.
Rest my head on your chest.
I want to be near you, in the same room.
I’m interested..
But you are not.
I accept that.
Khaniek Jul 2017
Is it the way her smile constricts your heart?
Or maybe her eyes sees deep within your tattered soul..
Is it the way her body curves? Bending the rules of physics drawing you deep with her junction.
What is it?
Could it be her long legs that distracts you from your journey? Do you lose sight of what's ahead because of them?
What makes her so beautiful???
When she speaks does your heart race a mile a minute?
Does her pouty lips leave you in a daze?
Who is she? And what makes her beautiful?
Do you care for her words at all?
Her mind, is that a factor?
Does it matter if her insides are broken and useless?
If she's unable to love, is she still considered beautiful?
Who defines her beauty?
Who does it belong to? You or her?
I'm curious.. What does it mean to be beautiful?
Why would anyone want to be beautiful..
Khaniek Oct 2017
Come here and whisper in my ear all the lies you feed yourself,
The fairytales that should chase the nightmares away.
Tell me about the times lost,
How you went searching for what you thought was promised.
Tell me when you realized that nothing is promised. How the nightmares were reality and the fairytales did nothing to comfort your heart.

I want to know how you still smile.
When everything in you cries, the tears that hit your pillow every night, the unanswered questions that plague your mind, the dishonesty, the brokenness, the pain that festers still with each breath you take, the aching in the pit of your belly, the endless pulsing agony that travels straight to your fingertips simply because of a name said,
You know what comes next. Why do you take the same steps? Why are you still willing to smile?
Nothing will be left. Then what?

I can not smile for you. Not the way you’d want me to. I will not pretend. I will not pretend for you or anyone else.. I refuse to accept this false happiness so that you can laugh and smile with your woe.
If you need him so much I won’t tell you to let go,
Just don’t expect me to be apart of your gaiety.
Khaniek Sep 2017
He will love me for more than my body.
He'll be too busy caressing my mind, too entwined with my thoughts. Longing for what I'll say next, preparing to engage in a verbal warfare that will only increase our desires for knowledge.
He will love me for the time I spend taking apart the things he say and putting them together in a differ way. We'll challenge each other. I know because with him I won't be afraid. I'll know love and happiness. I'll know honestly and care. We'll worship together. And pray.
He will love me because he loves God more and I'll love him for the same.
Khaniek Feb 2020
I’d rather not feel anything.
Thank you.
Before,
I thought, why not?
They are not all the same.
True.
But it hurts the same.
And I’m over it all.

— The End —