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Joliver Jan 2018
Ethereal, barefoot in the snow
Letting the stinging fade into the glistening solitude
And flow with the wind
Nothing is real in this crystalline realm
Here I am beautiful
Here I belong
Where I will surely fade away
Finally letting go, hand outstretched towards the moon
Letting the cold numb the pain that never heals
And floating away
Finally leaving this body, this torturous place
Breaths slowing until they no longer disturb the still air
Peace, at last
I stepped out into the white abyss and let it consume me
Letting the flurries carry me somewhere I cannot hurt anyone
And with my final breath, a sigh of relief
A dream I've been having recently...
Joliver Jul 2018
I just want
To adore again
To be inspired
By their imperfect perfection
And the way their face lights up
Like a neon sign in the rain
Whenever I make them laugh...
To write of love again
And not feel this pit in my chest
To hold them close
And talk into the wee hours of the morning
While absorbing the songs
They tell me they love
I want to hold hands like it's a lifeline
And cuddle
Like pressing against their body
Is as necessary as breathing
I want to share my excitement
And my heart
I want to feel like someone's favorite thing
Like the luckiest guy in the world
And make them feel like they are my world
All I want is
To fall in love once more
I want to fall in love again, I've learned so much from my last relationship and I miss having someone to share a life with
Honestly, probably not the best or most clever or deep thing I've written, but I felt a warmth while writing it that I've missed
Joliver Oct 2015
The light dapples through the leaves
As I walk through the woods
A spectacular display
Of orange, red, and yellow
The steady crunching
Of the leaves underfoot
The odor of decay
Never smells quite so sweet
As it does in the Fall
A gentle breeze blows
Sending leaves skittering across
The dirt path, well worn
The chill makes it's way through my jacket
But not my heart
In the solace of these trees
I am content
If not a little lonely
No one to share this with
But, part of me doesn't want to
This is my place
A sanctuary
Where I can speak my mind
Without fear of being judged
The trees are much too old and wizened for that

Sometimes, it feels like the path will never end
But it does
It always does
And suddenly
Civilization becomes reality once more
I stand at the edge
Not wanting to leave this domain of saturated light
And muffled noises
But I do
And I look back
To see one of my greatest friends
Slowly swaying
As if waving goodbye
The breeze picks up
Blowing to my back
Giving me that support
To make it to my house
But not my home
Joliver Sep 2019
I'm tired
You know?
And just so very
Joliver Jul 2018
My head is splitting
Like atoms before fallout
Each footstep echoing
From the floor above me
Rings loudly as a gunshot
And the muffled conversation
Sounds like a crowd a million strong
I want to shut off
To restart my brain
But socializing
That great and terrible wyrm
Stands between me and my goal
The glittering treasure
A warm bed
And I'd much rather suffer here
Than slay the misunderstood beast
There's being an introvert, and then there's not wanting to go upstairs to get pain relief for your splitting headache because there are guests over
Joliver Nov 2015
Are you ok?
Are you alright?
You, the girl in the corner
With cuts on her wrist
You, the boy who flinches every time a hand is raised
You alright?
If you say you're fine
It's nothing
For a second I
Thought that maybe my illusion
Of a utopian world
With no pain
Or suffering
Had shattered
I wouldn't have minded much
But you didn't tell the truth
So the lie I live and breathe continues
What's that?
Am I alright?
Joliver Apr 2020
Panic, anger, sorrow
(i can't breathe)
Hold it under, choke 'til it's gone
(can't breathe)
Push it down, move on
(don't think)
Don't stop
(don't think)
Where you went wrong
(how did i get it so wrong?)

Make it through the day
And don't stop moving
(don't stop running)
Don't you know you're in the way?
(i'm in the way, in the way)
"Apathy is the way to make it through the day"
Joliver Jun 2018
Your touch is warm
As your fingers gently caress my arm
I hold my breath as if
Depriving myself of oxygen
Could make this moment last
I lean into you
Resting my head on yours
Kissing your crown
As you bury your face in my chest
With a sigh that melts my heart

This moment is perfect
Heaven couldn't improve
Upon an eternity spent like this
Nor could Hell be worse
Than our eventual part

Your touch was warm
But as always
I awake
And I realize
You were never really here
I look around my empty room
As I sit in my empty bed
And reflect on my empty life
And I feel cold

These dreams of memories
Of days long gone
Are a fleeting fantasy
And a reminder
A reminder
Of a life without you
An all too harsh reality
With which I am all too familiar
I keep dreaming of when we were happy, and it breaks my heart a little each time
Joliver Mar 2016
I've mastered the art of sad smiles
It seems natural to me now
The slight curve of the lip corners
That never reaches the eyes
Those misty windows hold the truth
It's an oxymoronic action
Of conflicting thoughts
Between how I feel
And the depressing little attempt
To convince others I'm alright
Hoping to be asked what's wrong
But knowing I couldn't explain it
Even if I were
"Look but don't touch, hurt but don't cry, break out of these cages and never fly"
Joliver Sep 2018
When I die
I hope I'll begin to spread roots
As my soul
Is absorbed by the earth
And as I spread
Parts of me will
Begin to reach ever upward
As I begin to form
My canvas of emerald and gold
And forever growing
I will not be worried by strife, and
Fire will only serve for
New possibilities
As well as
The potential for growth.
I will become a sight
For others to behold
And feel at peace
Whenever they venture
Through my dappled sunlight
When I die
I hope to become more
Than just cold
I love the idea of being buried with a tree seed, and aspens are my favorite type of tree, thus the inspiration for this piece. I would love to be one. Fun fact: aspen groves are not singular trees, but rather one large, interconnected organism
Joliver Nov 2015
I call you beautiful
Because I'm too scared to say
"I love you"
Joliver Feb 2018
I am
                               an open book
                                            in a foreign language
My heart
                              on my sleeve
                                                            With a mask
Joliver Oct 2015
Drowning, twisting, turning
Can’t think
Can only think
Too many thoughts, crowded
Clawing, scratching
The back of my eyes
Must escape
Can’t escape
I can’t
I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know
Help me
Make it stop
Too many thoughts

Joliver Jan 2016
I confess
I'm not good enough
But for some reason, you don't see that
You don't mind that you deserve so much better
So I strive
Every day
To be better
Just to try and justify
You loving me
Joliver Oct 2015
I write sad things
Not because I am sad
But because I want to be happy
Joliver Dec 2015
Am I a good guy?
Am I the good guy?
Am I a main character not quite out of the first chapter?
These struggles I go through
Do people root for me?
Will I do something with this life of mine?

If a person was to suddenly know everything about me
Without getting to know me
Would that be the only unbiased opinion?
And what would they think?
Would they back peddle in disgust?
Would they want to get to know me?

Would I give my life for another?

Will I even be remembered?

Does she know how much I love her?
I tell her
But can I even translate the immensity of it
Into words?

What will I be?
Who will I be?

What kind of movie is my life?
A romcom?
A drama?
Or perhaps
Since I'm asking all these questions
With no clear answer
A mystery

Is this one the last one?
Is this the one I will spend my life with?

Who will read these thoughts?
And who will appreciate them?
Finals have got me going loopy.
Joliver Aug 2018
When I was young
I found amusement
In my ability to sleep through storms
And other calamitous events
It seemed so silly to me
That something so obvious
Could go by unnoticed
But as I've gotten older
The nights have gotten subtler
The nightmares have
Become vivid reflections
A gruesome parody of life
I startle awake most nights and
I don't sleep so well anymore
I wonder when I stopped being
A deep sleeper
And began fearing
Waking up a second too late
Joliver Jan 2016
Do you love me
The way I love you?

Do you love me
The way I love the air I breathe?
Always sweeter when you are near

Do you love me
Across the distance?
No matter how far

Do you love me
The way I love your laugh
your smile
your eyes
your voice
your touch

Could you?
Could you love me
As much as I love you?
Joliver Dec 2018
Tell me why I dream of you,
You who were once my dear,
Even after all this time

And why does my heart still sing
When your illusory self leans against me
As if it had not once been shattered?

Why is my happiness tethered
To the recesses of my mind?
Why can't I make my own happiness
Apart from you?
Joliver Jan 2016
The snow fell
Like in a dream
A snow globe
Slowly drifting to the ground
And blanketing the rolling hills
And grey buildings
All encompassed
In a muffled coat of ivory
And just for a second
Joliver Oct 2015
I've dreamed dreams
That have left me scarred
Dreams so hideously twisted
That they imprint on my mind
Influence my life
Leave me scared to sleep

I do things in these dreams
Things that frighten me
Horrify me
Things I would never do in real life
But when I wake up
They are real
Just for a moment
And the sensation
Of being a monster
Or losing a loved one

It hits me
In my tired daze
I dont remember it was a dream
I just feel the intensity of the nightmare
And honestly
No horror movie could ever come close
They could never be as vivid
Or as demented
I dream dreams
That leave me scarred
Joliver Feb 2022
I don't know how
To move past pain
It ends
And I create more
In the end
I'm not sure I deserve
A lack of suffering
And so I manufacture it
I fantasize about my suffering
And perhaps more telling
That others believe it
To be a just and
Good thing
I imagine myself
Beaten and bloodied
And getting up
To receive more
Never staying down
Never dying
Never healing
Just throwing myself into pain
Again and again
What is wrong with me?
I'm sorry
Joliver Jan 2016
More often than not
I simply fall apart
Just take a look
At my poor fragile heart
The suffering I've endured
A form of high art
But with you?
I've got a fresh new start
Joliver Dec 2015
I can feel it again
That false sense of hope
Joliver Jan 2016
I shouldn't have to fight to be loved
Joliver Nov 2015
If I were to see you
For the first time again
Would I once again
Be struck with your beauty?
Dazed in a confusion
Of how something
So divine
Could exist on this earth
If we were to meet once more
Would I fall in love
All over again?
Joliver Nov 2019
And so I sit here
Burning my plans
My hopes, dreams, and aspirations
All, just keep warm
So that this cog in the machine
Can keep on spinning
Just one more day
Just one more day
Joliver Mar 2018
My head
                                                   is a graveyard
             full of echoes
                                         of dreams
                                                          ­            of memories
                       of days long gone
Joliver Jan 2016
Man picks a flower
The flower hides its thorns well
Man curses beauty
Joliver Nov 2015
I am a hapless lad
Fortunate of the "un" kind
What kind of world do we live in
That I would be in this state
From dawn, 'til dusk
Where is my joy?
I'm not a liar
But I never tell the truth
I just elect
To stay silent
I wonder
I wander
I don't know what I want
Or where I'm going
Or even what I'm thinking, often times
Would this be considered living?
I'm just going through the motions
I am alive, in the technical term
But is this really a life?
Every day feels the same
I've become numb
The days, weeks, months
Blended together in a rainbow of grey
What is the purpose, if not to enjoy
To bring joy
It's hard to be thankful for each day
When I can't tell the difference between this and the last
I am a product of society
Of the system
The school is all about the short term memory
I don't learn anymore
Am I just ungrateful?
Or am I one of the few
Who isn't comfortable with this monotony
Not blind to the plight of man
Or am I just a hapless, hopeless young man
Playing the part of a poet?
Joliver Dec 2015
I've only ever felt truly happy in my dreams
Happiness in the real world
Is fleeting usually
And doesn't stick around
Joy is that feeling of content
That state of utter bliss
That never ending happiness
True joy, I have yet to experience
It all started with a dream...
Joliver Mar 2020
They say that it's not the destination that matters
It's the journey you take to get there
And I tend to agree
As I sit in my car
Hand on the key
Hesitant to turn my haven off
Dreading completing my trip

So, I sit here
Listening to the songs
That bare my soul like a mirror
And I find myself wishing
That the rolling landscape would never end
That point B were farther away
The weight lessens when I leave
And comes crashing down as I arrive
Maybe I'm just in a state of perpetual flight
Always running
From who I was
And what I've done
But the destination is never far enough away
The man behind me always catches up
He always catches up
I always catch up
I started writing this more than two years ago. I don't know whether to laugh or cry that nothing has changed between now and then
Joliver Feb 2018
I could write about the ocean
About the crashing waves calling me
The lulling roar
Of dissonant ambiance
Holding secrets under the tumultuous surface

I could write about the mountaintops
The serene scene miles above
Where the air is too pure for this imperfect soul
Where I have never felt more alive

I could write about the city
Where life never really stops
Where the skyline itself is a monument to human ingenuity
And the people are moving, always moving
As life goes on and on

I could write about any of these wonder-filled places
But my heart lives in the rolling plains
The seemingly infinite horizon
The hot summer days radiating off the pavement
The snow blanketing the smoothness of the landscape
Where the sunsets illuminate even my darkest hours
And the normality of suburban life is comforting

You always take for granted what you are born into
But my world has always been good land
Inhabited by good people
Warm hearts, genuine souls
And an appreciation for the lives around them
Where I've never seen a deer and an antelope play
Where I don't live on a farm
Where my childhood flourished
And my adulthood is burgeoning

Like my own personal Shire
Perhaps one day I'll leave for an adventure
But I'll always return
To where the horizon reminds me
Of infinite possibilities
Joliver Nov 2018
How are you doing?
I wonder each day
And just how much better off without me
Would you be likely to say
I know that since we've parted
You don't see love the same way
My apologies for the person I was
How different he is from the man of today...
I wish I could change the past
Or make it up to you, somehow, some way
And I hope your world isn't just
Varying shades of grey
I hope that you've learned to see the good again
And have managed to find your way
And more than anything
I just hope you're okay
It's been almost a year... I really do hope you are well. I'm sorry
Joliver Apr 2018
I am a memory
One to be misplaced
Somewhere among the rest

                                                           ­                                    I am a memory
                                                          ­                              One to be forgotten
                                                       ­                     That would be for the best
Senior year prom was last night, and despite going with a group of friends I felt alone and like I wasn't really there
Joliver Feb 2022
"I don't want
to die alone"
I can't help but think
As the world collapses around me

"I don't want
to leave this world
before I leave my mark"
As if the mark would be preserved
In the wake of the oncoming end

"I don't want
my first love
to be my last"
As my heart retreats inward
Further and further
From it all

"I don't want
to forget"
As my life blurs
Into monotony
And dread

"I don't want
to exist"
And yet
Here I remain
Joliver Jun 2018
I long for a love
To consume me again
To be enamored and intrigued
To implicitly desire tomorrow
So that I might
See them for the first time again
And again
And again
To make a million memories
And a million more
To learn every little thing
That brings a smile to their face
And present them with it
As often as I can
I long for a love
To dedicate myself to
To feel that place
That lost tender place
In my chest again
To have a laugh
A smile
A heart
To adore above all others
To give all that I can
All that I am
And hold each other in our arms
As we fall together

I long to retain my freedom
To remain a lonely half
I long for this unparalleled time
Of growth and introspection
To last until the last drop of eternity
Drips through that paradoxical hourglass
Like a broken heart, shattered
My broken heart
Freed from a searing *******
And the self hatred it inflicted
I am finally able to be myself
And figure out who
That person in the looking glass is
Improve myself
For myself
And be my own self
No longer worrying
About not being good enough
I want to become a person
My own person
A proud person
A humble person
A strong person
A kind person

I long for a love that sets me free
One that supports me on my journey
One that I can turn to for support
One that can grow with me
One that doesn't stay
Stuck in the past
I long for someone to complete me
And not replace me
Not resent me
Not hurt me
I long for a partner
I long for an adventure
I long for a future
I long for a love
That sets me free
Joliver Mar 2018
"I'm an artist"
         I say with reverence
"I'm a lover"
         I say with pride
                                                                                       Because art and love
                                                                 Are what make life worth living
Joliver Sep 2018
The world is burning
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

My hands won't stop shaking
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

I feel so isolated
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

I'm full of regret
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

I can't sleep
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

I can't drag myself out of bed
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

I'm having trouble breathing
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

I feel so gross
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

I don't take care of myself
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay

I don't see the point
But I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay


Tomorrow will be better
And I'll be okay
I'll be okay
I'll be okay
"Good, how are you?"
Joliver May 2018
My life is an ocean
of deep twilight blue
Sometimes I rest like
the Titanic, broken
a vessel of hopes
now a ruin
at the bottom of the sea
devoid of light
or escape
only the crushing weight of life
covering me for miles

Sometimes I'm on the surface
skimming over the waves
soaking in the sun
breathing the pure air in deep
because I know that soon
all too soon
I'll take the plunge again
down into that inky abyss
Joliver Dec 2018
Take comfort in watching me crash and burn
And know you got out in time
Thank goodness you got out in time...
Joliver Jan 2016
The late night tears
That build up in my chest
But never flow
They feel as if a sob
Died in my chest
Before all the raw emotion
Could escape
Its corpse just sits there
Dead weight on my chest
That suffocates me
And I can't lift for the life of me
Joliver Apr 2018
That is the key to happiness
To living grand and great
Do not ever settle for less

Always love, and love in excess
Make no room in your heart for hate
That is the key to happiness

Stand your ground, don't digress
When shown injustice, do not tolerate
Do not ever settle for less

Know the power of forgiveness
And always try to relate
That is the key to happiness

Don't believe the world will regress
Think of all the good you can create
Do not ever settle for less

Aid the helpless
Don't put too much on your plate
That's the key to happiness
Do not ever settle for less
First attempt at a villanelle
Joliver Oct 2015
Little drummer boy in my class
Beating on his desk
Keep the beat going friend

I've never spoken with you
But your knocks tell me everything
You are so pumped, excited
Today's the day
And your poor pencil gets to be your outlet for your excitement

The teacher tells you to "knock it off"
He doesn't get the irony
Mister, don't you see that he's trying to?
Regardless, that energy has to go somewhere
So now the pencil goes to work
On your paper
I can see the hearts, and the unmistakable names

Now your leg goes to work
Like a jackhammer on the floor
Little Thumper, if only she could see just how excited you are
The flowers in the bag, the sign propped up against your desk
A smile creeps across my face
As my mind drifts to my own experience

Now my leg goes to work
Like a contagion, the room is infected
Love is, after all, in the air
Joliver Jan 2018
1) Nothing is assured, and it's better to be able to roll with the punches.

2) You can be alone and not be lonely. You can be lonely and not be alone.

3) Life without love is hardly living at all.

4) The person you would give everything for sometimes needs something you cannot give. That isn't your fault.

5) The person you thought was infallible can have abusive behaviors.

6) The thing that hurts the most is feeling inadequate for the person you love. Don't make anyone feel like they're not enough.

7) You can't fix a relationship by yourself, and problems are hardly ever just one person's fault.

8) Doing what makes you happy isn't always as easy as they make it seem, but it's important to try anyways.

9) Focusing on the past does you no good in the present. Focusing on the future can blind you to what is happening in the now.

10) Despite everything, in the end, all will be well. Learn it, live it, believe it.
Just some observations I've made lately
Joliver Apr 2020
In my first and final year
Of higher education
At a party of familiarity
I did not aspire to find my limits
And yet
I exceeded them
And lay in a whirlwind,
At the night's close,
Which ****** the air from my lungs
As I forgot how to breathe

Avaricious sirens bore down and
Led me to water
Hooked into my veins
So I couldn't refuse to drink
And a doctor told me
That there were always better options
Than drinking myself away
I grinned and laughed
As if the very idea were preposterous
And yet, couldn't look him in the eyes
"Trust me,"
I assured the man
"That isn't the plan"

The truth is I never had a plan
No grand scheme
To end my suffering
I just slowly taught myself
Not to to take care
To cut myself off
From my lifelines
So that when I did finally find my limit
I wouldn't have far to jump

...but, truthfully
I never wanted to jump
I wanted some calamitous wind
In the form of a stranger
To come along and push

Yet, against all odds
For reasons I cannot discern
I've found
Those who wander into my life
Don't push, but pull
Pull me down from that precipice
Sometimes on accident, or
With intent
Of saving a life
But no matter how grateful I am
To be held and reassured
I always find myself back
Overlooking the sea of my past mistakes
Ready to drown myself
In the towering waves of regret

I wish I could find life worth living
On my own
For myself
But, I find myself living for them
Those who hang on to me
Keeping me balanced
Keeping me
From finding my limits
And for now that's enough
That's enough
Joliver Oct 2015
The reason
I wake up
Every morning
With a smile on my face
My dear
You always make my day
Before it's even begun
When I awaken
I remember
That we are together
A beautiful thing
And that's all it takes
My smile never fades
And my heart stays warm
Joliver Sep 2017
Love is
seeing something wonderful
and thinking of them
Love is
laughter without end
Love is
being yourself and loving them for it
Love is
being a dork just to see them roll their eyes
Love is
doing anything you can to see them smile
Love is
happiness when they are happy
sadness when they are sad
Love is
knowing that you’ll make it someday
Love is
never wanting to let go
Love is
a misty morning on a mountain
a fire crackling in the hearth
and snuggling in the glow
Love is
a serene scene of success
Love is
coming home
Love is
hearing beauty
and picturing only them
Love is
a meal made
a meal shared
Love is
looking forward to seeing them
after a long, stressful day
Love is
your favorite sweatshirt
cozy and warm
Love is
holding each other
bracing for the storm
Love is
content silence
for you have no need of words
Love is
a shared life
well lived
Love is
when right next to them
is your favorite place to be
Love is
holding hands and stealing kisses downtown
Love is
talking into early hours of the morning
Love is
showing more than telling
Love is
when every love song becomes about them
Love is
wanting to be the best you can be
for them
Love is love
no matter who it is
Love is
a bright tomorrow
Love is
a wonderful today
Love, is everything
Don’t forget to treasure it
Joliver Nov 2020
I've fallen in love with life
Over and over
But I don't know how to make it last
I can't make it last
Loving life is hard
It takes everything I have
And I am just so tired of giving
And giving
And giving
And not knowing if tomorrow
It will have been worth the price
Joliver May 2021
How do I reconcile
The joy of learning
To love myself
After all those years of hate
With the fear
That loving me is a lesson
Only I can learn
I'm comfortable and confident in my own skin these days, but I feel so alone
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