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Joliver May 7
How do I reconcile
The joy of learning
To love myself
After all those years of hate
With the fear
That loving me is a lesson
Only I can learn
I'm comfortable and confident in my own skin these days, but I feel so alone
Joliver Feb 19
No more dreams
For me
I've overindulged
My ever onward-looking heart
And so now
I'll simply drift
From day to day
Until I wash up upon the shore
Of my lifes destiny
And whatever
It may be
Joliver Dec 2020
I feel you there
Know you now
And my bed becomes
A haven against the cold
So I close my eyes
And nestle into your adoring frame
While the warmth of strings
And the echoing droplets
Of ivory keys
Fall on lovesick ears
And comfort our soul
As our breaths rise and fall
In the sweetest of synchronies
Nevertheless, you were never really here
Joliver Nov 2020
I've fallen in love with life
Over and over
But I don't know how to make it last
I can't make it last
Loving life is hard
It takes everything I have
And I am just so tired of giving
And giving
And giving
And not knowing if tomorrow
It will have been worth the price
Joliver May 2020
Someone once told me
That thunderstorms were a frightening event
A dread that aches to the bone
For me,
They're a soothing lullaby
A rumbling breath beneath the patter
Of a million sweet droplets
But now
Before I close my eyes
And roll into that soothing cascade
My mind always drifts to her
And I hope that my
Comforting cacophony
Has not come at the cost
Of a nightmare
Joliver Apr 2020
I trust you
To do this right
I'd ask someone else
I trust you

I trust you
Not to leave me behind
I'd go with someone else
I trust you

I trust you
To keep my secrets
I'd tell someone else
I trust you

I trust you
Not to break my heart
I could love someone else
I trust you

I love you
More than you could know
I could trust someone else
I love you
I love you
I'm not sure who this is about
Joliver Apr 2020
In my first and final year
Of higher education
At a party of familiarity
I did not aspire to find my limits
And yet
I exceeded them
And lay in a whirlwind,
At the night's close,
Which ****** the air from my lungs
As I forgot how to breathe

Avaricious sirens bore down and
Led me to water
Hooked into my veins
So I couldn't refuse to drink
And a doctor told me
That there were always better options
Than drinking myself away
I grinned and laughed
As if the very idea were preposterous
And yet, couldn't look him in the eyes
"Trust me,"
I assured the man
"That isn't the plan"

The truth is I never had a plan
No grand scheme
To end my suffering
I just slowly taught myself
Not to to take care
To cut myself off
From my lifelines
So that when I did finally find my limit
I wouldn't have far to jump

...but, truthfully
I never wanted to jump
I wanted some calamitous wind
In the form of a stranger
To come along and push

Yet, against all odds
For reasons I cannot discern
I've found
Those who wander into my life
Don't push, but pull
Pull me down from that precipice
Sometimes on accident, or
With intent
Of saving a life
But no matter how grateful I am
To be held and reassured
I always find myself back
Overlooking the sea of my past mistakes
Ready to drown myself
In the towering waves of regret

I wish I could find life worth living
On my own
For myself
But, I find myself living for them
Those who hang on to me
Keeping me balanced
Keeping me
From finding my limits
And for now that's enough
That's enough
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