I was walking downtown and heard two older men talking one asked of his friend "were you doing astrophysics or astronomy while you lived in Wisconsin?"

I instantly wished that my life would turn out like this man, not in detail but in substance.

It’s been too long since I’ve had a mental breakdown.
I feel it building that a pressure valve.
It’s been too long since I’ve had a good cry.
The other day someone told me it had been a long time since someone made them cry.
I congratulated them
only to realize the same was true for me and I don’t know how happy I am about that.
At least when someone made me cry it meant I had someone who could make me cry.

It’s been too long since I’ve been in love. I mean real love.
Just the other the day I was in love with a girl I saw on the street.
In my head her name was May, like the month but she was sick of people saying that to her.
In my head I talked to her and she talked to me and we went on a date and then another.
She met my parents and at first my mom didn’t like her as her hair was too short.
“How feminine could she be?” my mother would say
My mom would change her mind when May pretended to have the same opinion on some big issue
like gun control or the Casey Anthony trial.
In my head May is such a sweet heart.
We’d be happy for a long time and we’d get married and see the world,
I’d be successful and she would do whatever made her happy too.
We grew old in my head
and then we died in my head.
First she would die of cancer then I of a broken heart.
By the time all this conspired in my brain she was across the street and I decided it wasn’t worth the heartache to pursue her. Yes, it’s been too long since I’ve been in love and was loved in return. Since someone held my hand. Since someone looked me in the eyes and read my mind, my mind worn on the sleeves used wiping the tears of laughter from my face.

It’s all been too long.

You're one in a billion and i know all seven of you.
One of them is me,
one of them is you,
the rest are scattered amongst these other kindred spirits that have found a home in each other.
In basements.
On the beach.
Fireside.
In each other's hearts.
In each other's arms.

Some of the yous work by feeling too much.
Some of us work by thinking too much.
We all come to the same misguided conclusions

So now until the end of whatever amount of time we have together
we sit, us seven, in our circle and do whatever it is we do.
Circling the drain, circling the letters on the multiple choices of life.
I hear guessing c's turns out alright

To write down all my fears would take a book.

My desires even more.

The big problem, however, is where they overlap.

To desire what i fear at least seems adventuresome, almost romantic.

Scary yes, but exciting. Like a roller coaster ride with a fear of falling, like i do.

Adulthood, the scary but most wonderful time of life.

Then there is the fear of what i desire.

That is a whole other beast entirely.

What if my desires are not good for others?

What if my desires steer me wrong?

What if i follow one path when another would have been better?

What if i don't achieve my desires?

What if all these existential, angsty thoughts are complicating things and themselves standing in the way?

What if?

What if indeed.

Adding layers to the layers of the Earth,
civilization atop civilization.

We look to the past
but if we're at the end of history who the hell needs the past?

Or, are we just another layer
that just won't even last.

Maybe i hope we're all buried.
Lost for a time.
Entombed with all the things
that i call mine

Maybe next time will be different.
Maybe the bad will all change
but i'm guessing, yeah I bet, it'll be just more of the same.

Where's my characteristic optimism?
well it's kinda there i guess.
Maybe humanity will get a well deserved rest.

Got my head buried in the ground
my feet are stuck in the clouds.
My boots are kickin' but that's no way to get out.

Deep in this hole i'm in, feet peddlin',
can't see through all this ground.

Looks like I'm stickin' around.

Don't wanna be round here
would rather be there (where?) anywhere.
Don't wanna be where folks are all the same,
oh god guys just forget my name.

This methland midwest community,
it ain't as bad as i make it out to be.
Perhaps the problem is at least a little me.

Or maybe it isn't.
Maybe this blackhole is bad luck.
Or maybe... ah who gives a ****.

Don't wanna be round here
would rather be there (where?) anywhere.
Don't wanna be where folks are all the same,
oh god I hope i forget this place's name.

Half the roads are closed,
even detours,
the rest are filled with potholes.

That's okay.
My sense of direction ***** anyways.


Don't wanna be round here
would rather be there (where?) anywhere.
Don't wanna be where folks are all the same,
oh God, i wish it were easier to forget.

There are very few times that people have said exactly what is on my mind.
The only time i can even think of that happening is when i started dating you.
They said that if we broke up it would be my fault.
i agreed before they said it.
A girl like you one does not dump.
You're either a guy's one or his one that got away.

i doubt you know how much you mean to me.
If you did you'd be too creeped out to still be dating me.
But to me, you mean the world.
Not the "i'm nothing without you" kind, as I am a valid human being.
Not the "i can't go on if you leave" kind either as i know i could.
But i would really rather not.
Nor could i happily.
You're my world in the way that you make me a better person.
You are why i stay healthy when all i have is a cold.
You're why i drive safe and limit the stupid angsty **** i do
(believe it or not it is limited).
You're a good influence.
You're everything i wish i was and all that beachy *******.
But you're so much more.
When i am lost you're my guide
(rife with dat symbolism)
needed more after i got GPS oddly.
When i can't think you're my muse.
You're my companion in this world whether you realize that or not.
The hotter, smarter, funnier,
more responsible, more beautiful half of me.
A liver half is enough to live but to live well it is best for a full one.
To continue this bad metaphor i am living well.

2 hour trip to a concert.

One of my favorite artists.

Eventually one of yours too.

She even made what ended up being our song

It was for my birthday.

It was cancelled, the concert not my birthday.

We're taking the trip anyway.

The real present was your presence.

listening to French pop
"I'll have liked it when it was cool before it get's cool"
sriracha sauce on pesto pizza
"The waiter was right the flavors are very complimentary to the palate."
watching a ****** "me" movie
"wow their color usage in the lighting really shows the Giallo Italian horror influence"
Listening to the Friendly Indians
"My favorite band? They are only popular in Orange County so you've probably not heard of them.... oh you have?"
watching Un Chien Andalou
"tres interessant"
reading Sartre and Nietzsche
"my favorite philosophers man."

my pretention leaking out slowly to reveal I'm just a ******* underneath this finely unkempt exterior.
Is that changing? Well no but i thought you should know anyway.

I'm alone, you're alone
we all get together
we're alone together.
I suppose that's why we get together.
To be alone together.
Parties of aloneness is something
but
seven billion people alone together.
That's a remarkable thing.
We pair off.
Find our ones.
In these moments we are pairs of people alone.
Then it is not too bad. Not too bad at all.
Then, sometimes pairs break or have strain.
Alone leaks through.
Alone always leaks through.

We don't fight. Not really.

Set the scene:

i do something stupid.  
This could be a great number of things
but even i agree they're all stupid.

You know i agree but are usually still mad.
and always rightly so.

Our relationship is far healthier
with this understanding and yet
in this time i almost wish we fought.
At least i'd have a side worth defending.

Instead your face turns into an ice sculpture made by Michaelangelo,
not the ninja turtle.

In this time,  without my best friend
(companion,  confidante)
i am alone.

Slowly your anger melts away.
You give me your hand.  You kiss me.
In this time I know that all is right in this world, even if it is one where I ***** things up, as I am loved by the one I love.

People get annoyed, I'm sure for how I talk about you.

Work you into conversations, tell stories about you. I wonder if you are the same about me.

I stare at you when you aren't looking without shame for you are mine. I wonder if you do the same as I am yours.

My head rests best on my pillow when it contains your scent and I wonder if mine comforts you the same

I see you in the moon, in the stars. Where is it that you see me?

Maybe you do completely different things that are just as goofy as I do.

In short I know that you love me but I know not how. What that entails. What it means to you.

My love.

Always thinkin' bout somethin
Always talkin' bout nothin'
Always doin nothin'

quit talkin' bout it

Just keep sing sing sing sing sing sing singin along

don't make no decisions.
counter productive tunnel vision.

we're spinnin wheels, never shiftin gears, diggin ourselves deeper in the rut.
trying to escape the black hole still covered in regional sludge.

but what are ya gonna do?

A wind that blows through closed windows is felt but doesn't move a thing.

I stepped out in the storm, the lightning didn't hit so i guess tomorrow's comin after all.

we use words that only Germans understand to describe journeys we will never take.

so now let's do the things we're never done before.

we'll finally get passports. we'll go to the airport and get our ***** finally outta here.

so just go. don't even tell them so. just go. send a postcard when ya get there.

There is something to seeing small towns at night time.
Unpopulated it seems and yet,
there people are.
Asleep,
watching tv,
dreaming or awake thinking of life,
love,
travel.
The unfortunate ones occupied with
work,
loss,
stress.
You are there unbeknownst to them all,
on the other side of so many man made giant cubicles
out living your life.