I see you're with someone else
One of my friends
I don't know how to get over you
I've tried
But I keep coming back
There's a much deeper connection
Than just friends
I feel it
No matter how far I run
Or how far you push me away
I'll always come back
Even though you have abandoned me
I will never abandon you
No matter how many times
You have pushed me aside
And said you don't care
You always say you would care
If I died but now
I'm not so sure
I know your girlfriend would
But I'm just an ex
I want to be in your life
But you always push me out
Plus it hurts to see you and her
Ever since that day
That horrid day
I've been lost
You could even say that I'm
Dead
It feels like it
Might as well make it true
You wouldn't care
You could finally be rid of me
So maybe I'll say goodbye
Forever

Alone
That's what I am
No one wants me around
They could care less
If I died
Alone
In class, at lunch
I try to busy myself
With clubs but I end up
Alone
If they did care they would've
Done something
About my arm
Alone
In a crowd
I always thought
It was impossible
But it's real
Alone
Not noticed
Outsider
That's what I am
Alone
That's what I am
My leg even says so
It's etched in my thigh
Alone
In my room, in the hall
At lunch, in a crowd
Doesn't matter where
I am always
Alone
Forever alone

Good days
Bad days
Who decides them?
No one really knows what is considered
A bad or good day
It changes with each person
Everyone is a different person
How can you focus on what you see?
Have you ever thought about
What happens behind the scenes?
Hidden, Fake,
I've written poems with these names
And many other names like these
All attributed to the behind the scenes
People judge others' lives based on
What they see
No one cares about the unseen
The late nights
The dark fights
All they see is your "whining"
Or your "laziness"
Not how much effort is put into being alive
The resistance of the strong power of self-harm
Can you people wake up?
Please just realize there are people with serious problems
Some could result in danger
And toxic habits
What would you do if everyone made your "bad day" hell
Where it was so dreadful you didn't want to go anywhere
And you just wanted to end it all

We make jokes about it
We hide it
Just to take the attention off
So we can hide
No one ever thinks anything is wrong
Because how can someone joke about something
When it relates to them
And it's a serious matter
Well that's exactly what we do
You would be surprised how
Well we can lie
We lie everyday of our lives
Hidden that's how we live
Secret lives
Everyday who are we
Lost in every lie
Everyday someone different
But they all have one thing
In common
We always act as a person who
Is fine
Someone who isn't sick
Who doesn't have a disease
Someone who doesn't need medication
To stop from crying
Or needs to be in a mental hospital
We act okay
We are all actors or actresses
Just trying to fit in
Doing anything to be fake
Come join us it's work
but it's better than
Being the sick person
The outcast
The one everyone avoids
Come join us and be included

Stuck
Behind the scenes
Hidden
In the closet
It’s all the same
I’m stuck
No one supports me
The real me
The one I can only show friends
I don’t want to hide it
Not from my family
But I have to
They wouldn’t understand
They’d just say “I’m being selfish”
Or “I don’t understand”
But I’m not dumb
I understand everything perfectly
I know who I am
And who I like
No one can change that
Hopefully people will accept me
For me
Maybe I won’t have to hide
I can finally be true
Unlike most people
It’s relaxing
Finally knowing
Who I am
The mystery is solved
I know me
Who I am was finally
Revealed

I want to just hide
Away from everyone
Maybe I do need meds
I'm not sure if I can make it much longer
I just don't know how to speak up about it
How do you hide from yourself?
Is it physically possible?
If it is someone please help
Tell me how
I just wanna be gone

Him
There's no one like him
When I first met him
I knew
I could trust him
When I first knew
I liked him
I didn't wanna tell him
For fear of him not likeing me
Or ruining the friendship we had
If he couldn't be mine
Then friends was ok
When I first met him I felt something a stronger connection
I still feel it
Except now
It's stronger
He's the one my forever and always
My only one
I never imagined that I would
Be dating a nerd like him
He stands out from even the nerds
He's my nerd
My greatest wish has become a
Reality
He doesn't fit into any category
Except for the category of mine
He's all mine
Forever and always
Always will be nothing could ever change that
Him

He sits
All alone

Waiting
For his love

Never would he guess
He would fall for him

A beautiful man
As bright as the sun

Like a flower
With no time to fade

Fluffy hair
Bouncing in the wind

What I wouldn't do
To have him as mine

Over time they fell
Falling deeper as time went on

Finally ending
This romantic fairy tale

I am from water, from fire,
      from earth and air,
            the spirit to complete.
I am from the busy movement of city
      from the busstling to and fro.
I am from historic land,
      from where many jumped to find gold,
            to find a better life.
I am from the prison of Him,
      from where the truama begins,
            perfect from all around.
I am from nights of games,
      from spondgebob monoply
            from Life.
I am from the seeds of the earth,
      from where the magick starts.
I am from Odin, from Apollo,
      the strong Yggdrasil to protect.
I am from the occult of practice,
      from the forests and seas.
I am from long walks with Odin,
      from his warm embrace,
            from playing fetch.
I am from the theatre,
      from Carlos, from tech.
I am from here.

I need a fix
My blade
It's my only comfort
Music is the only one
That understands
Everyone says they do
But when are they there?
I'm hidden from everyone
Who would come looking for me
If I ran?
Ran from everything
I know where I would go
I know how
It would be easy
Who would risk everything
Just to find me?
Would anyone even care?
I wanna run
Anywhere but here
If someone cares they'll find me

I want it to stop
Time is what I need
Too many things going on
I just need a breather

A break that's what I need
Thoughts buzzing
Zooming all over
Never catching just one

Sometimes I just wish my brain
Was a file cabinet
I could easily organize everything
Maybe I wouldn't be going crazy

My mind feels blank
But in reality
It's full
Too full

Maybe that's the reason I'm lazy
My brain works overtime
Not just normal overtime
But severe overtime

I'm trying
Trying my hardest
To just breathe

I feel like I'm drowning
No one can stop me
No one can help
I will die of my own accord
I've lost all control
I can't swim anymore
I'm losing everything
My mind, my heart
Every person
I'm becoming crazy
An animal
Everyone is sure to run
That's all they ever do
If they try to stay
They get hurt or
I push them away
I can't stop it
Everyone has just been fake to me
Who can I trust anymore
Is there anyone
Can anyone hear this silent cry
Can someone see this hurt
That I'm dead inside
I'm not hiding
It's the real me
Not a fake version

Sometimes I wonder
Who sees me for me
And who just sees a person

Does it make it easier for them
To target a faceless person
Rather than a ******

Is that all I am
A ******
Just a messed up person
Whose brain forces harm

What makes me so different than you?
Than the normal ones

Where are the ones who arise for us
Have they all disappeared?
Left us for death?

Can you see it?
The pain
Peaking through my eyes
Are you so oblivious?

Am I just that good
At hiding it all
Putting it away
For a rainy day

How can no one see
The pain that's so blatantly
In my heart

The pain isn't mental anymore
Now it's physical
My body feels the mental
Everything is breaking down

Is it just me?
Did the world dim?
Am I losing my mind?

I can't tell what reality is
I can't tell if I'm dreaming
Someone help me
I can't do this

I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy  
No solace

This pen and paper
My future
Do they co-exist?
I live pouring my heart out
Who cares though
People question
Why I do what I do
Why should it matter to them?
It's my life
I'm not harming you
Actually if anything
I'm causing myself
To be vulnerable
All out in the open
Right there for anyone
Plain as day
Just like the words here
The only thing you won't know
Is the exact meaning
I'll keep those locked away
Forever hidden
Everything else is an open book
Go ahead and read
Read what I've longed to share
Try to decipher it
Like I've had to do
Many a time before
Until then here I am
On the shelf
Waiting to be opened

Why do we hide
When we shouldn't
We show people to get help
But when we do they think
It's for attention
How can anyone get help
If every thinks people only
Do it for attention
You haven't seen the breakdowns
The many sleepless nights
The skipped meals
The lies
I'm fine, I already ate
I'm not hungry,
It funny how people believe them
If you ever wanna be a better
Lier just be depressed
It becomes a natural thing
Lying that is
Sometimes even the hurt
The depressed can be
The most dangerous people
They can make hell feel like home
How dangerous is it
I'm no longer hiding
It's not like anyone will get me help
Why hide it
It's their fault
It's better to stop their kife-like
Words from cutting right
Through you
And just hurt yourself before
They can hurt you
Why do we do it?
For control
For control of the pain
Anyone who freaks about the scars
Tells me to stop
Just stop
Who has ever told
Someone with asthma to just breathe
It's unheard of right
Because having a lessened amount
Of air is a side effect
But yet when people tell
Self-harmers to just stop
They don't realize that
They might as well be saying
Just breathe to an asthmatic
Self-harm is a side effect
Of depression
So many people don't realize that
This is serious people
It's worse than an asthmatic
This is real blood
Who would cut for attention
Oh maybe people think
Self-harm is cool
Everyone is doing it now
It must be a trend
Why is it that everyone says
Drugs are bad they can **** you
But no one says self-harm
Is just as bad
It becomes an addition
So hard to stop
How can everyone ignore it
It's a physical mark
Why is it in our nature to hide
To hide our cry for help
It's too much work
Planning what you have to wear
So no one sees
It's a hassle
How about we just go around
Showing our scars
And having people not be disgusted
Maybe if we showed them off
People wouldn't be so surprised
About them
Wouldn't call them ugly
Wouldn't make us stand out
We could be ourselves
And show the war we are going
Through

I’m sorry if this hurts you
I don’t want that
I haven’t told you this before
Not sure if you’ve noticed or not
But the scars aren’t by normal means
Don’t worry they’re not there to end
Just like the semi colon
They’re here because of not ending the sentence
I’m not sure how much you’ve dealt with
I was scared to tell you this
Most people can’t handle it
And I can’t stand to be the burden
I had to get rid of the voices
The lies they keep telling me
The ones I know are false
But the more you hear them
The more you want to trust
Even when they go against all logic
All the memories
Maybe today was just a hard day
Maybe it wasn’t because of the day at all
I’ll probably never find out
I just want you to know that
Adding more art to this ****** up gallery
Has never been your fault
This is a side effect of not ending the sentence
The art may stay for a bit
But I hope you will stay longer
Until the art can stop

How can I live?
It's so hard
To just make it to the next day
You know it's gotten bad
When your only sweet relief
Is either death or cutting
Or feeling any pain
When you need pain to
Just get though the day
When everytime you try to do something
It makes life worse
What can you do
When you can't escape
The nightmare of the day
Not even when you sleep
When no one understands
What can you do
When people just give up
Because you're too much of
A mental case
I'm tired
Tired of people leaving
Of people getting tired of me
Of people hating me
Of people being fake
Of me
How can I escape myself
I need help
But no one can help
Cause the only people that
Can help are
Dead
Maybe I should follow
Maybe then I can escape myself
From this hell
The war going on in my head
The war for my mind and soul
I'm tempted
The trade would be much better
Than this
But for now I guess I'll try living
Even though it's so close to
Death

Waves crash over
The coral in the sea
Everyone sees the beauty
But doesn't realize
They're alive

They are the homes of fish
Sometimes fish leave and never
Come back
And sometimes they leave for a
Couple years and come back

In a way people are like fish
They leave forever or vanish for a little while

The coral, the homes,
They are the beautiful people
No, not the models, the cheerleaders, no
The beautiful are the ones hurting
The ones others call weak,
When they're stronger than most

The beautiful are the ones
Who do their best to look like the models
When they don't need to

The beautiful are the ones with
Scars on their thighs, wrists, ankles, stomach

Which one am I?
I'm one of the beautiful
I'm not being prideful or anything  
I have proof
And it's not fake believe me
There's things that qualify you
As being a beautiful one
As one of us.

What is normal?
Is it even real?
Why can't we just be ourselves
Not be judged
By strangers
People who know nothing about us
They don't know the uncomfortable feelings
The hate already being thrown our way
Inhumane words
Hitting our shields
They're breaking now
Being smashed
I know mine is almost done for
It might as well be gone
Yet the knives are still being thrown
Heading right for me
Hitting the target
Trying to hit us
Right where it hurts
Will there ever be a day
When we are no longer judged for us
No longer tossed away like expired food
Kicked out of our own home
Seeking shelter
But then being abused
For just being who we are
When are we going to stop being the target
Stop being the abused
Can we not be humiliated and judged
Why can't we just be?
Just be who we are without being hated

People don't know
Why I do what I do
Why I cut
Some people think it's disturbing
Some think it's for attention
And some just tell me to stop
But it's not that hard
I guess I could've stopped it
Way back when
But now it's too late
I'm addicted
Why do you think anyone does drugs
It's not because they're cool
It's to numb all feeling
To help
Depression is just as addicting
So is cutting
It started how any addition would
With just one time
One time became at least every month
Every month became maybe every week
Now it to the point where I do
Anything to feel pain
It's the control
You can control the pain
If you feel pain on the inside
There's no way to control it
But on the outside you can
You can cut lightly
You can gouge your skin
Whatever you need in the moment
I don't get why we hide it
Maybe we're ashamed
But we shouldn't be
Because it's not us doing it
It's the repercussions of an illness
And it's people's faults
Because they put those thoughts there
They make us hurt
We just are trying to deal with it
So when someone trys to tell me
Just stop
I tell them
Its not me that's doing it
It's them

How long can I keep
This charade up?
Everyone thinks I'm OK
Mentally stable
When really my life is at stake
One minute I'm here
The next I might not be
How many people know
But don't care?
Are people scared?
I'm scared that if people find out
The real darkness in me
They'll send me to a therapist
Or worse an insane asylum
I let down everyone I know
My own boyfriend gets mad
When I won't tell him stuff
But if he knew...
I bet you he would shrink away slowly
He would say that he'll always be there
When in reality he really wouldn't
My friend said he'd always be there
But where is he now
When I need him the most
How many times have I gotten told
You can tell me anything
But when I'm actually able to tell them
They're gone
I'm trying to keep up
But its so hard when you're standing
In the middle of a battle field with
Arrows, knives, bullets and more
Flying everywhere
All around
My feet planted in the ground  
Can't move
Why is my life so messed up?
Can't tell anyone anything
Can't even trust my boyfriend
With my thoughts
Can't, can't,can't,
There's just too much
The storm's raving inside and out
Can't escape
My prison is flooding
Soon I'll be dead
But not really
I'll be dead on the inside alive
On the outside
When will I ever escape?
Someone save me
I can't take it anymore
Trapping it all inside
Dead now but yet awake
Goodbye world hello hell
Knives digging in
Someone help me  
Wanting someone to
But knowing that no one will they dont care
I'm gone
The real me is gone
And no one even
Cared that it was there
No one knows the pain I'm in
No one knows the trouble
Coming my way
I'm so close to making
The trade
I don't want to
But its getting really hard.

There's this feeling inside
It won't keep quiet
I've tried
But every time I think
Its gone, it comes back
There's still this feeling
He likes me
Even just a miniscule amount
Maybe he really doesnt want to
Hurt me again
At least that's what he says
I wouldn't care
I would do anything to have
What we had
It would be worth it
I was getting better
I know I wasn't a good girlfriend
Even though every time
I say something like that
He always says
That that's not what it was
But mostly every failed relationship
Has been me
Me trying to hard
me showing them too much
Or too little
Showing me
Being too deep with things
There's just so many things wrong
With me
I mean I don't have friends
And its most likely my fault
Some how at least
I've hurt someone with out knowing?
I even hurt someone I used to call
My best friend
Maybe I tried to hard
But can you blame me
When its the only thing on my mind
To get him back
I couldn't stop thinking about it
About him
He's so amazing
He was my therapist
My best friend
My closest friend
He made me a better person
Maybe I'm addicted
I know I'm addicted to something
He knows what that is
But he wouldn't do anything
About it cause he doesn't care
He always says that he cares
But based on his actions
Its not hard to tell that he doesn't care
The addiction is stronger than ever
I don't think anyone can help this
Soon it'll over take me
If it hasn't already
Can I really be saved?
Even if I went to a professional?
Would I even say anything?
Would I be closed off just like
I am with everyone else?
Could I actually open up
And finally be happy Again?
Or would it just fall to
Pieces?

Darting back and forth
Lie after another lie
This is how we live our life
Never getting the courage to change
Can't ever be honest
They'll think it's fake
Or make their troubles exaggerated
Always pushing us down
Making us feel worse
I don't blame them though '
It's human nature
Living in the form of I
To avoid conflict we stay out of sight
Just like the mouse everyone wants dead
That's how we're seen
Just the bother
Always complaining about the bad
But how do we talk about the good
When there is none
Maybe we seem negative
But when we see you laughing
We think how
How can that person even laugh?
I could never feel that way
This is how we life our life

All the feelings locked inside
Can't contain them
Someone help
Wait who is there
Everyone's gone away
No one to call on
No help
I've pushed you all away
It's my fault
Life gets ruined due to my stupidity
I wish someone could run to my resue
But who wants to do that
When I always propel everyone away
It's better for them
Sure it makes me toxic
But I can deal with it if it doesn't hurt
If someone gets too close
I hurt them
They become toxic
Just like me
Maybe it's better if you just stay away
Take care of yourself
Hope you live a good life
What? You wanna stay
I guess but it's your funeral
I warned you
Can't say I'll let you in completely
But I'll try not to shove you away
Maybe it'll work out for the best
But I doubt it

Why am I like this?
It shouldn't be this way
Am I really alone
Or is it my brain just forcing me back
Back in time
To the dark
To this inescapable prison
Where have I gone
Where are you
Whoever you are
I can't do this myself
I just keep falling
No one realizes
I'm slowly failing life
The longer I go the more I fail
Slowly crumbling with every step
Failure is second nature now
It hurts but I can't get around it
I can't stop it now
I'm gone
Doomed to this world of darkness
Of failure
Will my brain ever let me go
Or do I need someone?

What if we were to live in a world
          Where nothing had a title
                       How would things be different
                                Would people no longer judge?
                                             Would there be no labels?
                                                          Could we live in this untitled world?

I want to be strong
But it's just not working
Why does life have to be so hard
I've kept this charade up too long
It's breaking through
I want to stop it
But how can I
Does anyone know
How to stop the hurt from coming out
If someone does will you show me
The way, the path
Help me please
Please don't leave me on my own
I can't take it anymore
My heart is done breaking
My tears are no longer showing
They hate the reaction they get
They've hidden themselves
But they have it easy
They can hide but I can't
Or else people would know
Something was up
Something's off
Well yea something's off
Something's wrong
My whole life is falling apart
But yet no one sees the hurt
Going on inside
Even if they've gotten to know me
They can tell something's wrong
They're just too scared of me
To ask knowing it will be ugly
But its not like its going to get better
If it doesn't come out
They make a laughing stock out of me
Do they not know what its like
Do they not know the pain
What is wrong
They ask
OK I'll tell you what's wrong
I have too much **** in my head
In my life and no one even ******* cares
That's what's wrong with me
I look like I'm strong
Well let's just say I'm good
At faking things
My mom doesn't know what goes on
I bet you if she did
I wouldn't be here
I would be in a mental institute
So many people don't know the real me
A lot of times they dont want to know
But I don't blame them
I wouldn't want to know me either