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"illnesses" poems
One of my favorite quotes is; "For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse. 

So collapse. 
Crumble.
 This is not your destruction. 

This is your birth." - n.i. I used to think that my mental illnesses were all there was to me. I was just made of panic attacks, and anxiety, and terrible flashbacks. They trampled my mind, consuming me until I couldn't breathe. The anxiety was the person who was going to break into my house while I'm sleeping if I'm not facing the window. The panic attacks are the cars that will crash into my mom while she's out if "I love you" isn't the last thing I say to her before she leaves. The flashbacks are the tears that stream down my face at night when my thoughts cannot be controlled. Most of the time I can't get a handle on my moods, but I still manage on with the day. Sometimes I'm too afraid to step out of my house, but I still do because I have school. At times I think that I have until the end of the day, and that's when it's all over. I will take every last pill that's supposed to help me. But I don't. I walk past the cabinet. I take four pills in the morning and five at night. I'm terrified that everyone will leave me- almost everyone has. But that is something that is still with me. I'm not over that yet, I'm not sure I ever will be, but I'm fighting. I try to push those thoughts out if my head. Right now, I'm still that nebula who's in the middle of collapsing. But one day, I know I'll be that star. I will be reborn into the girl I'm supposed to be. The girl I will be. Because one day, I will light up the sky. Yes, somedays the sun will shine brighter than I do, but I will continue to be a sparkle in the sky.
0
Jun 17, 2014
Jun 17, 2014 at 9:15 PM UTC
The Collapsing Nebula
One of my favorite quotes is; "For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse. 

So collapse. 
Crumble.
 This is not your destruction. 

This is your birth." - n.i. I used to think that my mental illnesses were all there was to me. I was just made of panic attacks, and anxiety, and terrible flashbacks. They trampled my mind, consuming me until I couldn't breathe. The anxiety was the person who was going to break into my house while I'm sleeping if I'm not facing the window. The panic attacks are the cars that will crash into my mom while she's out if "I love you" isn't the last thing I say to her before she leaves. The flashbacks are the tears that stream down my face at night when my thoughts cannot be controlled. Most of the time I can't get a handle on my moods, but I still manage on with the day. Sometimes I'm too afraid to step out of my house, but I still do because I have school. At times I think that I have until the end of the day, and that's when it's all over. I will take every last pill that's supposed to help me. But I don't. I walk past the cabinet. I take four pills in the morning and five at night. I'm terrified that everyone will leave me- almost everyone has. But that is something that is still with me. I'm not over that yet, I'm not sure I ever will be, but I'm fighting. I try to push those thoughts out if my head. Right now, I'm still that nebula who's in the middle of collapsing. But one day, I know I'll be that star. I will be reborn into the girl I'm supposed to be. The girl I will be. Because one day, I will light up the sky. Yes, somedays the sun will shine brighter than I do, but I will continue to be a sparkle in the sky.
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8
All consumed by thoughts of you Tied with chains my heart in pain I long for your touch your taste body begs you to penetrate It's like you can't hear or see what you do So effortless yet you have no clue my physical illnesses stem directly from you head bangs of desire from chemicals that set my brain on fire You're the air that feeds the flames squeezed from my lungs I'm locked in a haze Waiting to be saved
0
Dec 19, 2014
Dec 19, 2014 at 12:19 PM UTC
Desire
Bipolar, if you had asked me what I knew about it six months ago I would have said it means that a person goes from being really happy to really sad sometimes or, if I would be honest I would have said I hadn't a clue about it. Bipolar means to touch heaven and hell. This year began with me being in a severe depression, often holding a loaded gun to my head with a finger lightly depressing the trigger. Bipolar, after all, is the highest killer of all psychiatric illnesses with 1 out of 5 committing suicide and 1/2 attempting it. I felt completely alienated from anyone- severely out of place in the world, as if my birth was some sort of horrible mistake. But I'm holding onto hope, hope that all these meds(Lamictal, Saphris, Abilify) may eventually enable me to have a life again. This year I lost my sister to suicide(she was 27 and also bipolar), I cannot put anyone through the pain that I've felt due to her leaving like she did. I must "carry that weight" as the Beatles would put it. If you too are Bipolar I would love to chat, please message me. I'm looking for a friend who can relate, hell, I'm just looking for a friend.
0
Jan 29, 2014
Jan 29, 2014 at 7:09 PM UTC
bipolar notes
Please stop crying, takes your hands off your ears I want to help you. Your moans of anguish and pain hurt my soul, I wish to help you. I will. I will. I have to stay calm, motivate myself. He is just ill, And illnesses can be cured And I can do this. I can. I can. He's only been here for a short while Yet he screams as if he were possessed I offered my help, I did all I could But found him dead in his room. I didn't help him. I couldn't help him. I wish I did.
0
Jun 28, 2015
Jun 28, 2015 at 7:13 PM UTC
The Doctor
but have you noticed, have you noticed how  all mental health problems stem form a seemingly aether virus that attacks the pronoun category; i mean with proper justifiable schizoids you will not hear of the nouns being ransacked for an equation that equates itself to misnomers; it's all categorised negation of ease within the framework of pronouns. it's strange that philosophers stress the pronouns so much these days and those countless prior, but why do mental health diseases attack the pronouns and not the nouns? they attack the verbs thoroughly, but prior to the verbs exposing an illness the pronouns are attacked, so that many considering the singularity of expressing thought are ill because of being forced into a plural expression of thought: "voices." i find it hard to understand, but it's the reality, the aether virus attacks the pronoun on the backdrop of a king's casual expression / use of pronouns, when a king casually says of himself as omni or multi with one and we respectively; so why are pronouns so weak and nouns so strong that a tree cannot be a misnomer attaché of timber and rock not a pillar, or mountain as the verb: mountaineering? the pronoun category is weak from day one, because it suggests photographic duck animation on the lip pursed into a quack quack, but if we constructed thought without knowledge prior, eating the fruit of knowledge rather than the fruit of thought, using the starting point of the genesis metaphor, it's sometimes a no brainer to have weak thinking and strength in knowing, for if there was strength in thinking and weakness in knowing, i'd be the one chiseling these words in the ice age on a cavern wall. so, given, that diseases such as the famed premature dementia attack the pronouns but not the nouns the schizoid one will convene life with: pizza is pizza and sunshine ray down the drain clock the millionth dead parting of grasshoppers in decimals - while man unto man lusts one man's parting in decimals, but should dire said, part man with integers, and insects with decimals! but still, in the terminology of a cartesian understanding of illness, in that segregational aspect of things "sorted," why are mental illnesses tattooed in a weak pronoun usage compared to a strength in other grammatical categories? why are not mental illnesses ******* the life out of the nouns? the nouns are intact, the pronouns attacked, and the verbs chess piece the pawn from the casually speaking clown king into a beast imprisoned, for while the pronouns are attacked and the nouns left intact, the attack on pronouns expresses itself fully in verbs of the never existent tact: with such magic as to claim knock knock on plank is the same as knock knock on veneer.
0
Sep 18, 2015
Sep 18, 2015 at 7:58 PM UTC
plank v. veneer via grasshoppers
but have you noticed, have you noticed how  all mental health problems stem form a seemingly aether virus that attacks the pronoun category; i mean with proper justifiable schizoids you will not hear of the nouns being ransacked for an equation that equates itself to misnomers; it's all categorised negation of ease within the framework of pronouns. it's strange that philosophers stress the pronouns so much these days and those countless prior, but why do mental health diseases attack the pronouns and not the nouns? they attack the verbs thoroughly, but prior to the verbs exposing an illness the pronouns are attacked, so that many considering the singularity of expressing thought are ill because of being forced into a plural expression of thought: "voices." i find it hard to understand, but it's the reality, the aether virus attacks the pronoun on the backdrop of a king's casual expression / use of pronouns, when a king casually says of himself as omni or multi with one and we respectively; so why are pronouns so weak and nouns so strong that a tree cannot be a misnomer attaché of timber and rock not a pillar, or mountain as the verb: mountaineering? the pronoun category is weak from day one, because it suggests photographic duck animation on the lip pursed into a quack quack, but if we constructed thought without knowledge prior, eating the fruit of knowledge rather than the fruit of thought, using the starting point of the genesis metaphor, it's sometimes a no brainer to have weak thinking and strength in knowing, for if there was strength in thinking and weakness in knowing, i'd be the one chiseling these words in the ice age on a cavern wall. so, given, that diseases such as the famed premature dementia attack the pronouns but not the nouns the schizoid one will convene life with: pizza is pizza and sunshine ray down the drain clock the millionth dead parting of grasshoppers in decimals - while man unto man lusts one man's parting in decimals, but should dire said, part man with integers, and insects with decimals! but still, in the terminology of a cartesian understanding of illness, in that segregational aspect of things "sorted," why are mental illnesses tattooed in a weak pronoun usage compared to a strength in other grammatical categories? why are not mental illnesses ******* the life out of the nouns? the nouns are intact, the pronouns attacked, and the verbs chess piece the pawn from the casually speaking clown king into a beast imprisoned, for while the pronouns are attacked and the nouns left intact, the attack on pronouns expresses itself fully in verbs of the never existent tact: with such magic as to claim knock knock on plank is the same as knock knock on veneer.
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45
Dear Readers, Tomorrow (10th of September 2016) is a day called Suicide Awareness Day. And I believe it is nothing to be ashamed about. Every 40 seconds, someone is dying because another person did not speak up. This needs to stop. There are truly beautiful souls out there that are suffering and battling with their thoughts and minds EVERY SINGLE DAY. And I'm not putting it light. I mean EVERY SINGLE WAKING MOMENT OF EVERY SINGLE DAY.The stigma that revolves around suicide , depression and mental health in general needs to permanently dissolve. It is PERFECTLY OKAY(to talk about your mental illness and/or your struggles...it is not at all healthy to keep heavy struggles within yourself. There are people out there that truly care and that truly want to help...and I know that seems like a lie when you are in a very dark place and that is EXACTLYwhy people need to start speaking about depression and suicide almost as if you are talking about having a cup of coffee. "I'm having a cup of coffee" can be said easily and without any fear, and that is how people who are suffering from ANY MENTAL ILLNESSESshould be made to feel. We deserve to feel SAFE, SUPPORTED, LOVED , APPRECIATED , UNDERSTOOD. We do not deserve to feel **MISUNDERSTOOD, UNAPPRECIATED. ** And we do not deserve to be looked at or treated as parasites. People with mental illnesses have emotions too, and perhaps too many. People with mental illnesses deserve extra understanding, care and love. So please, do not be afraid to speak up. Speak to your loved ones; a simple "Are you okay? I just want you to know I love you and appreciate you" could save someone's life. - Crimsyy♡ #health #wellbeing #mind #suicideawareness #awareness Ps: Please repost this if you agree and to show support to those suffering from depression. I promise it won't ruin your profile. Thankyou so much.
0
Sep 9, 2016
Sep 9, 2016 at 12:13 PM UTC
Attention!!
Dear Readers, Tomorrow (10th of September 2016) is a day called Suicide Awareness Day. And I believe it is nothing to be ashamed about. Every 40 seconds, someone is dying because another person did not speak up. This needs to stop. There are truly beautiful souls out there that are suffering and battling with their thoughts and minds EVERY SINGLE DAY. And I'm not putting it light. I mean EVERY SINGLE WAKING MOMENT OF EVERY SINGLE DAY.The stigma that revolves around suicide , depression and mental health in general needs to permanently dissolve. It is PERFECTLY OKAY(to talk about your mental illness and/or your struggles...it is not at all healthy to keep heavy struggles within yourself. There are people out there that truly care and that truly want to help...and I know that seems like a lie when you are in a very dark place and that is EXACTLYwhy people need to start speaking about depression and suicide almost as if you are talking about having a cup of coffee. "I'm having a cup of coffee" can be said easily and without any fear, and that is how people who are suffering from ANY MENTAL ILLNESSESshould be made to feel. We deserve to feel SAFE, SUPPORTED, LOVED , APPRECIATED , UNDERSTOOD. We do not deserve to feel **MISUNDERSTOOD, UNAPPRECIATED. ** And we do not deserve to be looked at or treated as parasites. People with mental illnesses have emotions too, and perhaps too many. People with mental illnesses deserve extra understanding, care and love. So please, do not be afraid to speak up. Speak to your loved ones; a simple "Are you okay? I just want you to know I love you and appreciate you" could save someone's life. - Crimsyy♡ #health #wellbeing #mind #suicideawareness #awareness Ps: Please repost this if you agree and to show support to those suffering from depression. I promise it won't ruin your profile. Thankyou so much.
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10
Who am i? When the scars are stripped away the obsessions gone the compulsions unneeded When i don't know the taste of serotonin on my tongue the disappointment of looking in the mirror or the bite of metal against my stomach When i am myself again, bare of the illnesses that have weighed me down Who will i be?
0
Oct 4, 2021
Oct 4, 2021 at 11:28 AM UTC
who
I am eighteen years old. That doesn't seem like a lot, But to me, It is everything. Eighteen years is all I've ever known. Even if I died tomorrow, Still eighteen. While that might not seem like much to you. You are probably not eighteen. Despite my age, I have been through a lot. Some say more than most, Even then those who are older. At eight years old I lost my dad. At eleven years old I lost my mom. At eighteen years old, I've learned to be okay with that. Between eleven and thirteen I was abused. I eventually escaped and was safe again. At eighteen years old I am still in fear of this sometimes, But I am working on that. At seventeen years old I applied for college. I was accepted and excited to go. At eighteen years old I dropped out. All of the anxiety and illnesses became too much, But I am working on that. For eighteen years I've dealt with mental illness. Currently being called Bipolar, Manic and depressive episodes are common, But I am working on that. In the past eighteen years, I've learned new things. I've learned who to trust, And who to believe. However, I am still working on the difference between them. In eighteen years I've learned to let go. Toxic or not. Family or not. Just letting grudges be free. I'm still working on that. In eighteen years I've learned skills. With the musicals I've been in. With my writing continuing. Even better at communicating now. But yet I am eighteen. With time hopefully left, Leaving room to gain new experiences, Because eighteen isn't a lot. But I do thank eighteen. For all that it has taught me. From being confident, To being reassured, And everything in between. Because I am almost nineteen. And nineteen is a lot.
0
Mar 2, 2020
Mar 2, 2020 at 5:56 PM UTC
Eighteen Years
I am eighteen years old. That doesn't seem like a lot, But to me, It is everything. Eighteen years is all I've ever known. Even if I died tomorrow, Still eighteen. While that might not seem like much to you. You are probably not eighteen. Despite my age, I have been through a lot. Some say more than most, Even then those who are older. At eight years old I lost my dad. At eleven years old I lost my mom. At eighteen years old, I've learned to be okay with that. Between eleven and thirteen I was abused. I eventually escaped and was safe again. At eighteen years old I am still in fear of this sometimes, But I am working on that. At seventeen years old I applied for college. I was accepted and excited to go. At eighteen years old I dropped out. All of the anxiety and illnesses became too much, But I am working on that. For eighteen years I've dealt with mental illness. Currently being called Bipolar, Manic and depressive episodes are common, But I am working on that. In the past eighteen years, I've learned new things. I've learned who to trust, And who to believe. However, I am still working on the difference between them. In eighteen years I've learned to let go. Toxic or not. Family or not. Just letting grudges be free. I'm still working on that. In eighteen years I've learned skills. With the musicals I've been in. With my writing continuing. Even better at communicating now. But yet I am eighteen. With time hopefully left, Leaving room to gain new experiences, Because eighteen isn't a lot. But I do thank eighteen. For all that it has taught me. From being confident, To being reassured, And everything in between. Because I am almost nineteen. And nineteen is a lot.
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56
You would never think that someone so young could deal with such demons speaking such foul things in their ears You would never think that someone so young could feel as though no one loves them and that there's no place for them in this world You would never think that someone so young could deal with such a horrible thing that is a mental illness because mental illnesses effect everyone no matter the age
0
Mar 8, 2017
Mar 8, 2017 at 10:36 PM UTC
You Would Never Think
Hope is, by definition, a feeling of expectation and desire for something to happen, a feeling of trust Hope carries anchors on it's shoulders, afraid it will only meet the standard of almost We all hope, but we do not all receive Hope is the product of human weakness We long that's why we aspire Imagine how weak man is, we are not like birds that can fly when we want to go to places or we want to see people We are frail and easily inflicted with illnesses We are fragile bottles that easily break physically and emotionally, hence the development of the helmet and airbags The study of human emotion called psychology and psychiatry And worse, we die, that is why men searched for the fountain of youth to no avail Hope helps us to move on and continue Hope is a wish, hope is a motivator Hope gives a reason to keep going Hope is the whisper telling us that it will get better in time But I ask, why do the hands of my clock have arthritis Hope is not a liar Hope is encouraging but hope is also deceiving Hope is joker, a trickster Like an amateur magician, everyone could see the trap door but me Hope will disappoint you Hope is not perfect, hope does not always work out like you think hope should But hope is valuable, hope keeps balance Hope carries the unable, the dreamers, the optimists Hope is the guide Without hope, we're lost Without hope, we're nothing
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May 14, 2014
May 14, 2014 at 5:27 PM UTC
Hope
Note: we always hear of miraculous stories every day And of guardian angels and near death experiences. Are these small individual miracles created by GOD S hand Or is it his angels which are sent to protect us? Who is to say! And the greater miracles and visions seen by thousands At one time. In one place such as the sighting of MARY holding JESUS Above the Greek Church. All miracles large and small are created by GODS call. These are signs that he creates just to test humanities faith. So many prayers have been heard because of their Belief in GODS word. This is the time of year where dreams are fulfilled and miracles created And the repairing of lives that were devastated. Where smiles are put back on children s faces And hope is put back into the hearts of man With the gentle touch of GODS hand. That unexpected bonus that MR. JONES had never received before As he was about to walk out that door. That hospital prayer that you gave- when you thought your loved One would slip away. That car accident that you walked away from When you thought your life was done. What about Mr. H who fell off his roof and cracked open his head And everyone thought he was dead, yet he got up and walked away And never a complaint until this day. GOD creates millions of small miracles every day But the miracle I would like to see is the cleansing of humanity. Just pure thoughts in the minds of men, and the worlds Tragedies would finally end. Just the thought of no wars, no hunger , no slavery, no abuse And all the minds put to good use. Working hand in hand to cure the illnesses throughout our lands. Where equality is really true, for men and women like me and you. Our ocean food line is dwindling fast because no control laws have been passed. The slaughtering of dolphins and whales are world wide And our politicians turn a blind eye. We must spread the word of peace and love that the LORD Has given us from up above. © LRAMS
0
Nov 18, 2014
Nov 18, 2014 at 1:38 PM UTC
miracles large and small
Note: we always hear of miraculous stories every day And of guardian angels and near death experiences. Are these small individual miracles created by GOD S hand Or is it his angels which are sent to protect us? Who is to say! And the greater miracles and visions seen by thousands At one time. In one place such as the sighting of MARY holding JESUS Above the Greek Church. All miracles large and small are created by GODS call. These are signs that he creates just to test humanities faith. So many prayers have been heard because of their Belief in GODS word. This is the time of year where dreams are fulfilled and miracles created And the repairing of lives that were devastated. Where smiles are put back on children s faces And hope is put back into the hearts of man With the gentle touch of GODS hand. That unexpected bonus that MR. JONES had never received before As he was about to walk out that door. That hospital prayer that you gave- when you thought your loved One would slip away. That car accident that you walked away from When you thought your life was done. What about Mr. H who fell off his roof and cracked open his head And everyone thought he was dead, yet he got up and walked away And never a complaint until this day. GOD creates millions of small miracles every day But the miracle I would like to see is the cleansing of humanity. Just pure thoughts in the minds of men, and the worlds Tragedies would finally end. Just the thought of no wars, no hunger , no slavery, no abuse And all the minds put to good use. Working hand in hand to cure the illnesses throughout our lands. Where equality is really true, for men and women like me and you. Our ocean food line is dwindling fast because no control laws have been passed. The slaughtering of dolphins and whales are world wide And our politicians turn a blind eye. We must spread the word of peace and love that the LORD Has given us from up above. © LRAMS
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39
i'm tired i'm so ******* tired. i didn't ask for any of it- not the scars, not the pills, not the anxiety or obsession or disordered thoughts i never wanted this. because when you're thirteen you don't think that within the next three years you'll have four mental illnesses. nobody ever predicts that they'll have a collection of cuts, of failed recoveries and subsequent relapses. nobody wants to be a burden. nobody wants to be trapped in their own mind and i can't tell if it's depression, or the eating disorder but God, i'm exhausted. i don't want to carry this anymore. (i never did.)
0
Oct 6, 2020
Oct 6, 2020 at 1:46 AM UTC
never
septemeber 2014 i told my dad i didnt want to be alive anymore in our kitchen, we sat on the floor, he held me and through his tears he told me he never wants to lose me i think about this all the time october 2014 my 2 year old brother saw my cuts and scars he brings me bandaids all the time novemeber 2014 my mom walked in on my 6th suicide attempt we stayed up all night driving around, talking about how much i wanted to end my life she asks me every day how i'm feeling now december 2014 my step dad found sleeping pills i had been purchasing and saving for 6 weeks he didnt cry when his only son was born but he couldnt even breathe when he found my pills and confronted me about it janurary 2015 my step mom drove my to the er when she found my almost dead in the shower she didnt sleep for 3 days while she and my mom stayed at the hospital with me feburary 2015 my mom found my journal of suicide notes there was over 100 notes march 2015 my grandparents began noticing how bad i was getting my grandmother stayed at our house during march break with me april 2015 i saw my favourite band who has helped me through a lot of tough times i got their lyrics on my body forever to remind me that i'm not my illness may 2015 my bestfriend and i made a promise to each other to remain self harm free we promised to help eachother get through our illnesses june 2015 she was in the hospital for trying to **** herself i knew i had to stay strong for the both of us july 2015 i started to work on myself i started to notice the beauty in things again i forgot how much i loved the rain how much i loved flowers how much i cared about nature and the planet i forgot how much i loved life august 2015 i started to plan for the future i started thinking about 10 years down the road september 2015 i'm not where i want to be yet, but im so proud of how far i've come im proud of myself
0
Sep 16, 2015
Sep 16, 2015 at 1:22 AM UTC
im proud of myself and thats hard for me to say
septemeber 2014 i told my dad i didnt want to be alive anymore in our kitchen, we sat on the floor, he held me and through his tears he told me he never wants to lose me i think about this all the time october 2014 my 2 year old brother saw my cuts and scars he brings me bandaids all the time novemeber 2014 my mom walked in on my 6th suicide attempt we stayed up all night driving around, talking about how much i wanted to end my life she asks me every day how i'm feeling now december 2014 my step dad found sleeping pills i had been purchasing and saving for 6 weeks he didnt cry when his only son was born but he couldnt even breathe when he found my pills and confronted me about it janurary 2015 my step mom drove my to the er when she found my almost dead in the shower she didnt sleep for 3 days while she and my mom stayed at the hospital with me feburary 2015 my mom found my journal of suicide notes there was over 100 notes march 2015 my grandparents began noticing how bad i was getting my grandmother stayed at our house during march break with me april 2015 i saw my favourite band who has helped me through a lot of tough times i got their lyrics on my body forever to remind me that i'm not my illness may 2015 my bestfriend and i made a promise to each other to remain self harm free we promised to help eachother get through our illnesses june 2015 she was in the hospital for trying to **** herself i knew i had to stay strong for the both of us july 2015 i started to work on myself i started to notice the beauty in things again i forgot how much i loved the rain how much i loved flowers how much i cared about nature and the planet i forgot how much i loved life august 2015 i started to plan for the future i started thinking about 10 years down the road september 2015 i'm not where i want to be yet, but im so proud of how far i've come im proud of myself
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32
Sometimes I wonder, how I will make it alone, When all those in my life have refused to see what I have always shown? The fact that I am ill, yes indeed it is true, A mental illness chains me, physical illnesses too. Depression has been a friend, for as long as I know, Panic and anxiety, do you even need to be told? Am I paranoid? Or is that what you want me to think? In the next minute, I am dissociated, or cannot think. I am over here and over there, "Hello!" or "Goodbye", What is seriously wrong with my mind? Friends, they stay a distance, and I don't need them anyways, Family? Forget it... I lie and I lie. I pretend that I feel nothing, Nothing touches me, But truth be told I am terrfied, My heart, as if, bleeds. Perhaps you've heard of Fibro, Or IBS as well, Maybe you know Chronic pain, And a fatigue like hell. Maybe your are familar with being in constant pain, Maybe you know all the pills, over and over again. "How can it be hard to get out of bed?" "How hard can it be to ignore what's in your head?" You won't understand, even though I've tried, No I'm not special, especially when I'm chained to a bed. I've been told I am older now, "Hurry up and get a job", "You will be nothing when you get started and move on." "Can't you just stop whining? Grow up and live life? Can you just do something rather than sleeping and wasting time?" "You worry about this, you cry about that, you want this but don't even try to relax." "You are doing nothing but sitting around, So what if you are sick? We all are, all year round." I am the lazy, the black sheep the failure, The worthless, dissapointment, the immature. "I am the would have been, could have been, should have been, never was and never ever will be", Did I really just quote a song? Indeed, I've felt what they really mean. I am weak or stubborn, Ms. "why" and "Okay but how come?" Believe me, there is no look or answer I've been given, that I have not sawn. There is help out there, there are programs and places to go, But who would want to love someone who struggles to get up and go? Who may be sick for the rest of their lives, Who doesn't even feel worthy of time? People do what they have to, to go off and survive, But the next time you want to go and ridicule someone, Please know, they try...
0
Aug 3, 2017
Aug 3, 2017 at 4:31 AM UTC
Worth it?
Sometimes I wonder, how I will make it alone, When all those in my life have refused to see what I have always shown? The fact that I am ill, yes indeed it is true, A mental illness chains me, physical illnesses too. Depression has been a friend, for as long as I know, Panic and anxiety, do you even need to be told? Am I paranoid? Or is that what you want me to think? In the next minute, I am dissociated, or cannot think. I am over here and over there, "Hello!" or "Goodbye", What is seriously wrong with my mind? Friends, they stay a distance, and I don't need them anyways, Family? Forget it... I lie and I lie. I pretend that I feel nothing, Nothing touches me, But truth be told I am terrfied, My heart, as if, bleeds. Perhaps you've heard of Fibro, Or IBS as well, Maybe you know Chronic pain, And a fatigue like hell. Maybe your are familar with being in constant pain, Maybe you know all the pills, over and over again. "How can it be hard to get out of bed?" "How hard can it be to ignore what's in your head?" You won't understand, even though I've tried, No I'm not special, especially when I'm chained to a bed. I've been told I am older now, "Hurry up and get a job", "You will be nothing when you get started and move on." "Can't you just stop whining? Grow up and live life? Can you just do something rather than sleeping and wasting time?" "You worry about this, you cry about that, you want this but don't even try to relax." "You are doing nothing but sitting around, So what if you are sick? We all are, all year round." I am the lazy, the black sheep the failure, The worthless, dissapointment, the immature. "I am the would have been, could have been, should have been, never was and never ever will be", Did I really just quote a song? Indeed, I've felt what they really mean. I am weak or stubborn, Ms. "why" and "Okay but how come?" Believe me, there is no look or answer I've been given, that I have not sawn. There is help out there, there are programs and places to go, But who would want to love someone who struggles to get up and go? Who may be sick for the rest of their lives, Who doesn't even feel worthy of time? People do what they have to, to go off and survive, But the next time you want to go and ridicule someone, Please know, they try...
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48
She's been next door since my birth and you may wonder how that is even possible when I am four or five years older than her. I met her at a time in my life where my world changed, and in this change I tried to live-- to live for anything. In my futile attempts to find purpose to conquer the beasts of mental illness, she's been at my window to see this eternal struggle of mine. She's wonderful completely and utterly-- of course this doesn't mean she's perfect and even more of course she's far from it. But maybe it's that imperfection that has allowed her and I to have open windows, open hearts, and open conversations-- no matter the Time zones, languages, or illnesses we always come back understanding each other just a little bit more.
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Nov 23, 2018
Nov 23, 2018 at 8:17 AM UTC
My Dominican Neighbor (Incomplete)
Another prophet who got his top knocked off, this system’s toxic thought we’d found hope but lost it, Nipsey Hussle shot down outside his clothing store Marathon, live and die in LA grow up only to get shot down on Slauson in Compton, and the irony is that he was taken out, in the same neighborhood he had invested in, from Proud2Pay to AfroTech Nip was a Community Activist, in a system of force fed poisons he was medicine, and maybe that’s why he was martyred, just like MLK Tupac and Marley, this is all real life in living color, life’s not a Game but this is The Documentary, every word true, I mean do you, think it’s just a coincidence, that Nip was murdered when, it was announced he was about to come out with a film, about Dr. Sebi, the herbalist, who was also possibly murdered when, he went public with claims of curing AIDS and other illnesses, nothing random about this act of violence, it makes so much sense when you think about it, nothing senseless in the message, I mean seriously think about it, MLK shot on 4/4 at 39, NIP shot on 3/31 at age 33, why do the most violent things happen, to the brothers that preach the most peace, it all makes sense everything adds up, but most will probably dismiss this just as another conspiracy, I mean I guess it doesn’t matter ‘cause nothing will bring Cuz back, RIP NIP Rest in Peace Nipsey another brother gone to young at 33, and it’s all so eery it’s creepy, all the above evidence plus, “Having enemies is a blessing.”, was his last tweet, as the words of his last sound sit in my ears as they ring, **** I wish my n!gga Fats was here, how’d you die at 30 somethin’ after bangin’ all them years, Grammy nominated in the sauna shedding tears, all this money power fame and I can’t make you reappear.”… RIP NIP ∆ LaLux ∆ LA 2019
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Apr 1, 2019
Apr 1, 2019 at 7:27 PM UTC
RIP NIP at 33 (Rest in Peace Nipsey)
Another prophet who got his top knocked off, this system’s toxic thought we’d found hope but lost it, Nipsey Hussle shot down outside his clothing store Marathon, live and die in LA grow up only to get shot down on Slauson in Compton, and the irony is that he was taken out, in the same neighborhood he had invested in, from Proud2Pay to AfroTech Nip was a Community Activist, in a system of force fed poisons he was medicine, and maybe that’s why he was martyred, just like MLK Tupac and Marley, this is all real life in living color, life’s not a Game but this is The Documentary, every word true, I mean do you, think it’s just a coincidence, that Nip was murdered when, it was announced he was about to come out with a film, about Dr. Sebi, the herbalist, who was also possibly murdered when, he went public with claims of curing AIDS and other illnesses, nothing random about this act of violence, it makes so much sense when you think about it, nothing senseless in the message, I mean seriously think about it, MLK shot on 4/4 at 39, NIP shot on 3/31 at age 33, why do the most violent things happen, to the brothers that preach the most peace, it all makes sense everything adds up, but most will probably dismiss this just as another conspiracy, I mean I guess it doesn’t matter ‘cause nothing will bring Cuz back, RIP NIP Rest in Peace Nipsey another brother gone to young at 33, and it’s all so eery it’s creepy, all the above evidence plus, “Having enemies is a blessing.”, was his last tweet, as the words of his last sound sit in my ears as they ring, **** I wish my n!gga Fats was here, how’d you die at 30 somethin’ after bangin’ all them years, Grammy nominated in the sauna shedding tears, all this money power fame and I can’t make you reappear.”… RIP NIP ∆ LaLux ∆ LA 2019
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45
i still am trying to hold back my tears as i write this down. i thought about on my way home and debated with myself for a good 3 hours and decided that i have to write this, if not for people, for myself. i visited the ward as a visitor today. it felt weird to be on the other side of the door. it felt weird to be on the other side of the glass, and it felt weird to look into the eyes of someone i once knew. it hurt that as soon as i walked through the open doors, i hear the screams of a man speaking in a language i did not understand. it hurt to watch him being pinned down by 2 men almost twice his size. it hurt to watch his mental pain being temporarily stopped with physical pain. it hurt as we started talking. it took almost every ounce of courage inside of me to hold my tears back, because i knew that me crying would dampen his spirits and affect his recovery. and i knew exactly what that feels like. it hurt to sit back and watch him explain his illness in terms i knew far too well. it hurt to hear him say " stay here, you would understand this more than anybody else. " it hurt that i understood. it hurt that for that brief moment, i didn't want to understand. i didn't want to be in there. my legs were shaking but i listened anyway. it hurt to hear him explain how the electricity worked and hurt his jaws. it hurt to tell him to be strong, because i knew how much it would take out of him to just try. it hurt that he cracked up jokes in the middle of our conversations, i didn't feel like laughing at all. it hurt to watch so many people suffering from illnesses they never asked for, it hurt to watch so many of you suffering from the pain you don't deserve. it hurt to just sit there and not be able to do anything about it. it hurt. but it hurt because it wasn't my place to feel hurt, it was yours. it was your place to scream and shout. it was your place to cry and break down into a million pieces. but it hurt because you couldn't, because in your head you are fine. in your head, you're at work. in your head, none of this ever happened. in your head, 20 cops didn't restrain you. in your head, this is a perfect world. but it didn't hurt because i knew deep in my heart that no matter what, the way i feel about you will never change. the strong, courageous, brave, joyful, kind, happy man that i grew up knowing will always have a place in my heart. no amount of ect's and antidepressants will take that away. so thank you, for opening my eyes to all the pain in the world. thank you, for making me understand that there is greater suffering in the world. thank you, for teaching me the value of gratefulness. thank you, for educating me, even if it was through your suffering.
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Jan 14, 2017
Jan 14, 2017 at 11:06 AM UTC
my visit to the psychiatric ward -
i still am trying to hold back my tears as i write this down. i thought about on my way home and debated with myself for a good 3 hours and decided that i have to write this, if not for people, for myself. i visited the ward as a visitor today. it felt weird to be on the other side of the door. it felt weird to be on the other side of the glass, and it felt weird to look into the eyes of someone i once knew. it hurt that as soon as i walked through the open doors, i hear the screams of a man speaking in a language i did not understand. it hurt to watch him being pinned down by 2 men almost twice his size. it hurt to watch his mental pain being temporarily stopped with physical pain. it hurt as we started talking. it took almost every ounce of courage inside of me to hold my tears back, because i knew that me crying would dampen his spirits and affect his recovery. and i knew exactly what that feels like. it hurt to sit back and watch him explain his illness in terms i knew far too well. it hurt to hear him say " stay here, you would understand this more than anybody else. " it hurt that i understood. it hurt that for that brief moment, i didn't want to understand. i didn't want to be in there. my legs were shaking but i listened anyway. it hurt to hear him explain how the electricity worked and hurt his jaws. it hurt to tell him to be strong, because i knew how much it would take out of him to just try. it hurt that he cracked up jokes in the middle of our conversations, i didn't feel like laughing at all. it hurt to watch so many people suffering from illnesses they never asked for, it hurt to watch so many of you suffering from the pain you don't deserve. it hurt to just sit there and not be able to do anything about it. it hurt. but it hurt because it wasn't my place to feel hurt, it was yours. it was your place to scream and shout. it was your place to cry and break down into a million pieces. but it hurt because you couldn't, because in your head you are fine. in your head, you're at work. in your head, none of this ever happened. in your head, 20 cops didn't restrain you. in your head, this is a perfect world. but it didn't hurt because i knew deep in my heart that no matter what, the way i feel about you will never change. the strong, courageous, brave, joyful, kind, happy man that i grew up knowing will always have a place in my heart. no amount of ect's and antidepressants will take that away. so thank you, for opening my eyes to all the pain in the world. thank you, for making me understand that there is greater suffering in the world. thank you, for teaching me the value of gratefulness. thank you, for educating me, even if it was through your suffering.
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11
1) Mental hospitals are more like dramas/comedies than horror     films. When people think of psych wards they think of criminally     insane people rocking back and forth, talking to their imaginary     friends and throwing chairs. Don't get me wrong, there's some of     those. But most of us just do word searches, color, joke about     serious things. 2) We aren't monsters, we are your brothers, your daughters, your     mother, your co-worker we are just regular people who have lost     our way and need some help finding the path again 3) I am closer to people I knew for 2 weeks than I will ever be with     anyone on the outside. Yes we all call it the outside 4) Sometimes talking to people who understand what you're going     through is more therapeutic than the actual therapy groups. This     is not to say that the doctors there are crap it is just to say that no       matter how much they read and listen they will never truly     understand what it feels like unless they have been there and we     can tell who has been there, they go the extra mile to make us     feel like people 5) It's not a vacation, it's not fun, it's not an escape from the real     world. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is work. 6) Everyone in there is a person in unbearable pain but it isn't just a     bunch of people sitting around crying. We go from group to     group and then color and go to bed nothing about it is really fun     but you get used to it 7) The mental hospital is like a camp for empty people, just like a     band camp we can all relate to each other and makes you feel     less alone 8) Getting discharged it a great feeling because you are free, but it     is also completely terrifying, in the hospital it's safe, people get it,     there is always someone to talk to and now you're all alone 9) Just because I've spent 7 and a half weeks in a mental hospital     over 2 stays doesn't mean I am fixed there is no cure for my     illnesses and that's just the way it is 10) We are not who you think, the kindest people I've ever met      were also the ones hurting the most.
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Mar 28, 2019
Mar 28, 2019 at 9:50 AM UTC
things i've learned in a mental hospital
1) Mental hospitals are more like dramas/comedies than horror     films. When people think of psych wards they think of criminally     insane people rocking back and forth, talking to their imaginary     friends and throwing chairs. Don't get me wrong, there's some of     those. But most of us just do word searches, color, joke about     serious things. 2) We aren't monsters, we are your brothers, your daughters, your     mother, your co-worker we are just regular people who have lost     our way and need some help finding the path again 3) I am closer to people I knew for 2 weeks than I will ever be with     anyone on the outside. Yes we all call it the outside 4) Sometimes talking to people who understand what you're going     through is more therapeutic than the actual therapy groups. This     is not to say that the doctors there are crap it is just to say that no       matter how much they read and listen they will never truly     understand what it feels like unless they have been there and we     can tell who has been there, they go the extra mile to make us     feel like people 5) It's not a vacation, it's not fun, it's not an escape from the real     world. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is work. 6) Everyone in there is a person in unbearable pain but it isn't just a     bunch of people sitting around crying. We go from group to     group and then color and go to bed nothing about it is really fun     but you get used to it 7) The mental hospital is like a camp for empty people, just like a     band camp we can all relate to each other and makes you feel     less alone 8) Getting discharged it a great feeling because you are free, but it     is also completely terrifying, in the hospital it's safe, people get it,     there is always someone to talk to and now you're all alone 9) Just because I've spent 7 and a half weeks in a mental hospital     over 2 stays doesn't mean I am fixed there is no cure for my     illnesses and that's just the way it is 10) We are not who you think, the kindest people I've ever met      were also the ones hurting the most.
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35
... "They say freedom is a state of mind." ↡↡↡ *Nostalgic reminder; We exchanged souls on the sidewalk once. His marble dreams dripped along porcelain palms, Open blue terrors decayed at the birth of the crow's injured wing. We're hunting twin nightmares in dawn's clothes that we've stolen. Your mother tongue was a certain silence; And what did I tell you, I told you not to read death's lips by the faint glow of the moon.* ↡↡↡ *I'm sure her wolven love didn't do you justice. Brown eyes were tarnishing the coals of Jupiter think foam, lust, and a side dish of insanity. It's remarkable really; how love had absolutely nothing to do with it. There he is again; Nightfall knockin' on your coffin with ease please tell me you at least* ⇸  h e s i t a t e d  ⇷ *to let him in. Violet bruises paint some pretty reminders, Pastel happiness doesn't cover up how long he's suffered. God didn't bother to leave his name among the wreckage of your bones. I still wonder why that is.* ↡↡↡ *Lets turn these sorrows into strangers like the way iron melts against your cheekbones. Unfair warning; caution if you may poison has never been an easy pill to swallow. Never let the black sea lend you a double mirror that's asking for self-destruction straight up. There's rosemary placed in-between winter's wooden teeth, it doesn't excuse every frozen god ****** cavity. They say illnesses have cynical faces, Grey skin isn't a cigarette dream don't go igniting yourself like the Fourth of July. And I'm so sorry that this whole time You've been drowning, and we've just been describing the water. Your freedom was your undoing, Dylan.* ↡↡↡ "But someday, we will meet again." ...
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Nov 25, 2015
Nov 25, 2015 at 7:28 PM UTC
Dylan.
... "They say freedom is a state of mind." ↡↡↡ *Nostalgic reminder; We exchanged souls on the sidewalk once. His marble dreams dripped along porcelain palms, Open blue terrors decayed at the birth of the crow's injured wing. We're hunting twin nightmares in dawn's clothes that we've stolen. Your mother tongue was a certain silence; And what did I tell you, I told you not to read death's lips by the faint glow of the moon.* ↡↡↡ *I'm sure her wolven love didn't do you justice. Brown eyes were tarnishing the coals of Jupiter think foam, lust, and a side dish of insanity. It's remarkable really; how love had absolutely nothing to do with it. There he is again; Nightfall knockin' on your coffin with ease please tell me you at least* ⇸  h e s i t a t e d  ⇷ *to let him in. Violet bruises paint some pretty reminders, Pastel happiness doesn't cover up how long he's suffered. God didn't bother to leave his name among the wreckage of your bones. I still wonder why that is.* ↡↡↡ *Lets turn these sorrows into strangers like the way iron melts against your cheekbones. Unfair warning; caution if you may poison has never been an easy pill to swallow. Never let the black sea lend you a double mirror that's asking for self-destruction straight up. There's rosemary placed in-between winter's wooden teeth, it doesn't excuse every frozen god ****** cavity. They say illnesses have cynical faces, Grey skin isn't a cigarette dream don't go igniting yourself like the Fourth of July. And I'm so sorry that this whole time You've been drowning, and we've just been describing the water. Your freedom was your undoing, Dylan.* ↡↡↡ "But someday, we will meet again." ...
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51
In Your name, there is healing Cities with an epidemic illnesses Stands like the Mt. Horeb Mighty in posture forever As Your stretch stretch Your hands Leprosy’s from every nation cast down Desperate heart finds, its home In the green pasture besides the still water The night will be as it is But the morning bring great deliverance At some point of, there will be songs Of thankfulness from the inside Your love for us never fails and cease Springs of water flows like fountain From Your grace to my place Im once frail and sick but im release Far from the medicine and gurney Your faithfulness in my life Brings tremendous miracles in many ways I just I just declare it in faith and love I say to the world You are Healer A great Physician of the Father I experience it right now, the touch Tomorrow will be a testimony like no other
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May 7, 2010
May 7, 2010 at 7:37 PM UTC
Meningitis And Pneumonia??
After long dark, you can find me in my mind; taming serpents; kissing girls. You may not understand why I've been the way I am. You're under-educated and that's only half your fault. Sometimes I am imprisoned within the waves of an ocean that always misbehaves -- but it's not my fault; just the way the god rolls: making halves and making wholes. After the short syrup of light, you can find me hiding, true; pulling off ticks; kissing boys. You may not comprehend the way I'm fumbled together. You're under-educated and that's only half your fault. Always I am imprisoned within the crash of culture; my thoughts treated like worms; my illnesses considered contrived. But it's not my fault; just the way you guys roll: ignoring halves for conventional wholes.
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May 8, 2017
May 8, 2017 at 5:17 PM UTC
20. Sicko; Degenerates
i cant seem to put it to words when it comes to us for we were once a pair now forsaken with memories everyday was a story and there’s more to remind me of the lovely times we had of the looks that we shared distances were nothing illnesses were inferiority to be together became a priority and that was made mandatory i cant help but to not deny that youre all i think about whenever im alone when all that’s left is just thoughts of us opened and unconcealed just a place for settled dust                                                    of you and me.
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Jun 10, 2013
Jun 10, 2013 at 2:12 PM UTC
joy (once)
fellowship of doom rivers loaded with the dead memories of being fed with a spoon mental illnesses to be spread his name is rainbow goon you find him in levels of twisters within the thoughts of his sisters within the fear of his brothers shattered memories friendships nobody knows when his end is right now rainbow goon is writing on his black arms with white ink rainbow goon rainbow goon greed in the eyes of the noon his face looks like a cartoon multicolored iris and speed mentality of hate and rage fate of a mutant heavy body every being has a story rainbow goon rainbow goon
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Apr 13, 2020
Apr 13, 2020 at 4:04 PM UTC
Rainbow Goon
Okay fine. Okay fine, Now you are racist, If you don't want to date someone other than your own race, Just because someone else won't approve? You are homophobic, If you're not nice to gay or lesbian people, Just because you were raised that way? You are sexist, If you don't like the other gender, Because you have learned that your own gender are more supportive, reliable, compassionate, understanding or trustworthy than the other? Okay fine, There may be political problems, But why care, If your own country are too deep in the **** To get out? - and no, helping won't solve it if racism, sexism or homophobia is still such a big deal! Deal with gay or lesbian people, They have excepted the fact that they may be wrong to love their own gender, Why can't you? Deal with people of the other *** You live in a world where you have to talk to both, Talking to a gender you don't like, Does NOT make you any more lovable or understanding, It makes you human, So get over the fact that the other *** may be worse than your own. Racism, Have you seen a white person tear up? Have you seen a black person tear up? Have you seen an asian tear up? Have you seen a brown person tear up? Have you seen a colored person tear up? Have you seen an indian person tear up? To either one of those, you must have said yes, Have you seen any of those, who have cut themselves? Do you know of any one of those, whom might have had smelled, tasted, heard or even die and decompose, In any other way, than your own race? We all have red blood, We all decompose in the same way(taken the different ways of decomposing of a HUMAN), We all have the same struggles; Financial, Love, Peace, Statuses, Popularity, Even more personal like illnesses. How can you believe in the belief you do, If you hate? In a way, all of our beliefs are the same, They are all linked, Because it goes about peace and love! Okay fine, We are not all the same, But we are. We are all different, But we aren't. We all want to achive stuff in our lives. Get over the fact that some people are darker or lighter than you, This is the 21st century, Get over yourself and the need to be better than anybody else or the need that you want to lable someone!
0
Aug 12, 2015
Aug 12, 2015 at 1:09 PM UTC
Okay fine.
Okay fine. Okay fine, Now you are racist, If you don't want to date someone other than your own race, Just because someone else won't approve? You are homophobic, If you're not nice to gay or lesbian people, Just because you were raised that way? You are sexist, If you don't like the other gender, Because you have learned that your own gender are more supportive, reliable, compassionate, understanding or trustworthy than the other? Okay fine, There may be political problems, But why care, If your own country are too deep in the **** To get out? - and no, helping won't solve it if racism, sexism or homophobia is still such a big deal! Deal with gay or lesbian people, They have excepted the fact that they may be wrong to love their own gender, Why can't you? Deal with people of the other *** You live in a world where you have to talk to both, Talking to a gender you don't like, Does NOT make you any more lovable or understanding, It makes you human, So get over the fact that the other *** may be worse than your own. Racism, Have you seen a white person tear up? Have you seen a black person tear up? Have you seen an asian tear up? Have you seen a brown person tear up? Have you seen a colored person tear up? Have you seen an indian person tear up? To either one of those, you must have said yes, Have you seen any of those, who have cut themselves? Do you know of any one of those, whom might have had smelled, tasted, heard or even die and decompose, In any other way, than your own race? We all have red blood, We all decompose in the same way(taken the different ways of decomposing of a HUMAN), We all have the same struggles; Financial, Love, Peace, Statuses, Popularity, Even more personal like illnesses. How can you believe in the belief you do, If you hate? In a way, all of our beliefs are the same, They are all linked, Because it goes about peace and love! Okay fine, We are not all the same, But we are. We are all different, But we aren't. We all want to achive stuff in our lives. Get over the fact that some people are darker or lighter than you, This is the 21st century, Get over yourself and the need to be better than anybody else or the need that you want to lable someone!
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