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Declinism: is the world actually getting worse?

She has skin like soft
midnight and eyes that shine like
the bright evening moon

Her laughter echoed
happily around the room
travelling through an

open window,  to
sing with the birds , her big smile
lights up any heart

Emigrating far
away to Dominion
Republic..her quest

for a brand new life
begins to take shape , her dream
ready to breathe air

Born in Africa
She's a lady of respect  
A jolly spirit

Her mother skills show
in her children , polite kind
loving and happy

She wanders through her
newly painted house with a
silent hum of smiles

She said to me 'Donna
you're getting married next week
and your here painting

my house , how have you
coped'  , I said I have a real
amazing daughter

who as taken charge
of all that needs to be done
We both smiled so wide

She wears a silky
scarf around her head , she as
the essence of

a free butterfly
I admire joesphine
I'm glad I met her :)

During Thanksgiving Break of 2013 I was on my laptop.
Looking up videos on Narcolepsy.
Mainly because I was into discovering what that was.
Anyway, I had watched some videos.
And I suddenly saw a video that was all about her.
And of course I was curious.
It was called "The Best Of Jinkx Monsoon on RPDR".
Short for RuPaul's Drag Race.
And I clicked on the video and decided to watch it.
Immediately, I was hooked.
She was so funny that I laughed at everything she did,
I also learned things.
I learned that she had Narcolepsy and coped with it.
That had me intrigued.
And then I learned that she takes being funny seriously.
She's a campy queen.
But she's also extremely sweet and very humble.
She taught me about drag.
I began watching videos that she did about herself.
She had a film series.
It was called "Drag Becomes Him" where she talked.
And I learned so much.
I learned that there was more to drag than just make-up.
Or hairstyles and clothes.
She really puts her all into everything she does in drag.
Jerick Hoffer is the creator.
He's the one who gets in drag and becomes Jinkx.
And I love his story.
Because he was able to come out and express himself.
Sure it was hard for him.
He would go to his Grandmother's house to change.
His mom knew he was gay.
But she thought that dressing in drag was pushing it.
But his Grandmother didn't care.
She was the one who taught him how a lady should act.
He just does the opposite.
He, as Jinkx, says anything without a filter quite often.
He loves doing drag.
He said that it's something he started doing at age 15.
He was on RPDR Season 5.
Switching back, Jinkx took every single change head on.
Had some trouble along the way.
But won her first challenge while acting on ****** Game.
She portrayed Little Edie.
I suggest looking her up if you don't know who she is.
She had a condition as an adult.
And it caused for her to soon lose all of the hair she had.
Jinkx really loves her.
I also know that she is a huge fan of Adams Family Values.
She has a song about Debbie.
It's called "What About Debbie?" and it explains Debbie.
Talks about why she kills.
Jinkx performs that song a lot now when she performs.
But that's not all.
She opened my eyes in terms of how drag is conceived.
It's really a process.
It takes a great deal of time to get ready and she knows.
She spends three hours!
Just getting into drag because of the time it takes to do so.
Best of all, she loves it.
She has a genuine respect for drag and does it in her way.
She knows a lot more now.
Jerick says that Jinkx has improved since being on RPDR.
And I agree with that.
The make-up has gotten way better and so have the clothes.
I watched Season 6 last year.
And I can talk about what I thought and who I liked.
Tell me if you want me to.
Anyway, Jinkx has taught me so much since I found that video.
And so has Jerick.
Who wants drag to be known as more than impersonation.
He wants to break stereotypes.
He wants for men to be able to play girl roles in more than comedy.
And what's wrong with that?
If a woman can read as a man, why can't a man read as a woman?
He even asked that himself.
And I for one think that is a very fair and true question to ask.
Okay, I'm rambling now.
All I'm trying to say is that Jinkx opened my eyes to drag.
And now I get it.
I know what drag means and why it's really a form of art.
Do I know everything about it?
Of course not, I'm still learning as I discover drag queens.
There are so many styles.
And one of them is campy, which is the style she has.
I can talk more about her.
But I would need to have her as the main topic to say more.
So tell me if I should.
And then I can get into more detail about her and her style.
All I can say right now.
Is that because I found that video of Jinkx, I now am a fan.
Of her and of drag.
I don't think of drag as a weird and bizarre thing anymore.
It's an art form.
And I understand that it's acting as someone else, form of acting.
And that's thanks to Jinkx.
And to Jerick Hoffer, the mastermind behind Jinkx Monsoon.

Gumdrops come in many colors
Yellow, orange and green
My gumdrop hides his color
So his feelings can’t be seen

His character is charming
His humor can’t be beat
He’s loving, kind; a friend of mine
Yet, he creates his own defeat

Avoidance is an issue,
Procrastination set in stone
His fears are locked so deep inside
He fights the world alone.

I understand his silent walk
My feet step in his tracks
Circumstances changed the soul;
True confidence we lack.

When tragedies besieged him
His body young in years
He coped the only way he could
While fighting back the tears

He lost himself eventually
Gave in to worldly sins
But, Gumdrop has the strength of few
He stood-up, once again.

With work, he rose above the clan
Temptation everywhere
He faithfully now walks the walk
Recovery he shares

Sadness still surrounds him
Eyes open for dark skies
Preparing for the looming breach,
He limits joy inside

Why would he risk familiar odds?
Reality is rough
To avoid the possibilities,
Is safer than to trust

Don’t try to understand him
He won’t let you in
He’s had to learn the hard way
He won’t get kicked, again.

But I am pretty lucky,
I’ve known him for so long
With memories and good times
and Billy Joel’s top songs

I wish for him bright colors
Prayers I’m always sending
But Gumdrop holds the steering wheel
He writes the script and ending

Yep.  Gumdrop is a blessing
My friend he’ll always be
Can he step outside his comfort zone?
I guess we’ll have to see.

God, if you only knew the things these eyes have seen. I feel as if I’m the only one to have felt this heaviness in my soul. It breaks me down. I’m scavenging for survival. For hope, for humanity. I wait patiently in the dark hoping to watch as the light breaks through this darkness I live in. Will the sun rise? Will the moon give in to its brutal blows? Or will I be left again, left wondering where I’m meant to travel to next. I watched my family torn from the places once called sacred. The treasures they held once before meant nothing, their lives were the only treasure they had left. The only treasure I had left. Some tore their way out of that hell. The mental affliction that caused them to drown in their own murderous screams. They moved on with their quest for a purpose, ripping away the flaws and scars left by the pain experienced. Becoming something new, remade. Still beautiful, they didn’t break. They persevered. I watched as others tied the fear and pain to their ankles, always dragging it with them. Others would notice the chains they pulled, but never say a word. Never reach out a hand to search for the key to these aches. Just watching them survive, I watch them survive. I survive. But the worst of all to watch was The Interpreter. The ones who fell for the lies that got them with me in this black hole. The ones who never coped, never wanted a purpose, they wanted revenge. Revenge on the ones who tore their soul apart, piece by piece. The ones who took every bit of sanity they had and laughed as it fell unreachable by any man. I watched as something once so beautiful, miraculous, pure and true turn into something that made me want to cringe. So hungry. Always remembering the starvation they suffered from and using it as a crutch and weapon to fill the hole that cannot be filled by things as such. I try to help but they snarl in defense, forgetting that once I was their friend. Only thinking of the world as an enemy, and everyone in it an enemy as well. I try to stop them, plead for them to stay, just to here a few words. Just to know that they aren’t alone, I’m here in the darkness too.

the night before your funeral
i coped by engaging in 100 different things
you would have never approved of.

i made the eyes at alyssa,
a girl who wasn't mine.

and i only did it because i know
she would never have me,
and that's always appealing.

lauren was late to the gathering.
she made four fractured souls
sitting around a wobbly table
at some arrogant sports bar.

i didn't touch her.
i didn't want to.
i wanted isolation,
yet invited these people
to make me play pretend
at some busy rednecker establishment.

i talked a lot about music.
LCD's latest mostly.
it's easy to hide behind the trivial.

we stopped at a gas station.
i bought beer for chase and tyler.
i hate beer, it just makes me feel
an idiot sense of accomplishment
when this 19-year-old pulls age off
via beard.

lauren left at 3.
i didn't say much.
i kissed her weakly.
she accepted it.
understood it.
had taken notice of my wandering mind.

alyssa slept over,
she had been locked out of her cousin's house.
in the morning, i made her breakfast, coffee.
asked her if she had decided to be my best friend or not.
it was a running joke to her, and she smiled, said she needed more time
leaving it in "potential" status.

i need a best friend.

alyssa left when i took a shower.
as i got ready,
i complained to tyler about lauren.
i don't know if i meant it,
but i listed quite a lot of grievances.
(is it my age?
am i restless?)

i put on a suit and tie. i didn't look at the weather.
i didn't realize it was forecasted to be a sauna.

i got in my car and drove to prague.
the Parks Bros. funeral home parking lot
was spilling into the streets, with SUVs
and heavy duty trucks.

i parked my car a couple blocks down.

walked into the parlor
where you were to make your great showcase
in that open casket.

my father gave your eulogy.
he had been your minister for a few years,
and had loved you for more than 10.

you had died in my mind months earlier.
when i found out about the leukemia.

when i walked past your body on display,
i looked briefly.
all i really saw were your sideburns.
they looked ridiculous.

everyone told me i looked handsome in my suit.
god.
was i so desperate for a compliment that i overdressed
for a funeral?

as we stood outside, it didn't take long for people to laugh.
talk about work,weather, ****** hair, baseball, and girlfriends.
"i hope the heat keeps us from being sad at the cemetery."

i drove to your final plot in the back of the procession.
my dad tried to explain some metaphor at the site, but it fell flat.
he said a prayer over your body.

then he asked me to lead a song i didn't know.
everyone looked at me.

i tried to pass the responsibility.
but eventually started lacklusterly.

i hope there's a god leonard.
i hope that you made it.
and if you get a chance to speak with him,
tell him to play favorites,
and make me a favorite.
that's the only way
i will ever make it.

The breeze flew effortlessly between us
and I begged for it to be enough or even just
enough to pull me with my everything apart from you.
With my toes in the sand that seems so blue
I refuse to allow my eyes to meet yours
afraid that in your dark galaxy I see her
and afraid that my eyes will scream the lullaby
of just how much your name means to me.

I’m trembling to the thought of you
knowing how much of my heart you’ve wooed
for many years it was in your deathly grasp
and for many years I’ve maintained this mask.
I’ve kept my vulnerability safe for so long
away from your knowledge was where it belongs
simply because I’m afraid of how small I’ll become
of how insignificant I’ll be to a heart that was so numb.

I don’t want to seem irrelevant on your end
for I was a good friend, a great friend
and it aches me to allow you to see
that the good friend, the great friend I seem to be
was only a camouflage I used to keep
my love, my desire, my everything hidden deep
deep away from you for I refuse to be like one of them;
the pets you treat with little to no respect but thinks they’re all gems.

What does it take to be a gem in your life?
Does it take a threat; with a pen, a gun or a knife?
Or does it take laying bare aside you not giving you a hard time?
Paying for all your lies with every feeling, every desire and every dime?
Pretending to be a fool like all your pets, and hope just hope…
That one day you’ll reward me for all the pain that I’ve coped?
A good friend, a great friend isn’t enough for me anymore
play the pet, buy the lies, **** the modesty, become the *****?

-fir.m

For years ...
My heart sat in a box of icy glass.
Shivering every night, through the wake of daylight.
Cracking slowly over the years.
Hoping ...
Longing
for the righteous touch.
Many sought to conquer but failed...
I would crack thinking
it was time for me
to beat lively again...
But they failed...
They all failed
Not one has come close to my heart.
My heart was detached from me.
I was in cage chained,
watching my heart,
deteriorate through the years.
So
The cracks of my heart began to
rebuild its icy veins.
And my heart sat in box of icy glass.
Longing through ever shutter.
Wondering what am I beating for.
Slowly the temperatures dropped
And my heart became colder.
My heart alarmed signals of  
heavy frostbites hovering over my soul.
I slowly try to crack ,
by enduring this
emptiness of my icy heart.

It Was Dangerous Severed Heart

My heart was coped up in ice and loneliness.
My heart began to fall into abyss of winter
Everlasting for eternity,
My heart in a icy box.
For eternity....
No longer beats due to
The exhaustion from shivering .
From receiving little cracks of hope...
Open and closing to the wrong warriors..
They failed .
To save my heart .
And most importantly to save me...
My heart didn't want to be loved
My heart wanted to be misused
To be mislead through every sin.
That was my love for my heart.
Loneliness sunk into my icy box.
My heart shed tears through every shiver.
The shivers through every wrongful touch.
My heart grew weaker into the abyss..
Quitting.
Slowly
A Silhouette emerged from icy dark waters.
My heart watched this beautiful masterpiece swimming,
across every strenuous wave,
Vigorously. Powerfully.
Eyes with flame of devotion.
So much devotion...
Beautiful Dark Eyes
My Heart and I will always cherish
His eyes ....
My heart deteriorated by the time
As this ghost reached my heart...
My heart began to look for its shiver
My little trickle hair began to alert.
Waking my heart from is devastation
My heart manage to hook
it's eyes on this ghost...
He wasn't a warrior ...
He was a hero.
Angel guardian ...
With eyes that flamed devotion.
Igniting my icy cracks to reopen.
Quickly shunned ..
As when he reached with an anchor
To the iciest veins part of me
Which was my heart in the box...
My heart let go of the anchor.
It didn't want to be save.
It wanted to live in naked loneliness.
You would drop your anchor waiting
For my heart to reach.
Shunned
you
over
over
and
over
again.
Yourself shiver through the nights into daylight.
Waiting for me to defrost into your saving arms.
My heart was incapable .
My heart whisper apologies every shiver you shake waiting for me.
But my heart sank deeper into the haunted memories.
Terrifying questions
"Why weren't you becoming one of my sins"
"Why aren't you a regretful touch"
I couldn't sink deeper because your anchor followed through every pressure..
Through every flaw of my icy veins.
Thawing hard through my icy veins .
You became my hero in that very instance.
My angelic savior .
My heart began to crack to weigh on your anchor.
By the time my heart began to reincarnate itself
I found myself in shaking in shivers
My cracks began to burst with ice
I began to sank....
It wasn't my time to be saved.
Was it?
Then you became alluring serpent of my heart.
The possessed thought of my mind.
Your poison began to shift my veins .
My heart began to pump warmly ,
Slowly regaining its redness through every
Memory of you...
Through every caressing moment from you.
You.
My heart felt this unknown feeling.
It was a masterpiece forming as it began to feel.
It began to feel what my angel has been fighting for.
What you have been fighting for.
Since the moment
he let go of the anchor,
To save my heart...
Most importantly me..
I became yours a little too late .
He loves me...
And I loved him.
Then I love him
And then he loved me.
My heart had to crack
For my angel.
For myself
The time has come.
For my eyes to spark again...
With the same love and devotion
As yours...
My heart is missing heaven.
Missing home.
Missing my virtue.
There are many things,
I know my heart,
Can devote to many,
Beautiful things.
It's not easy for
My heart to start to believe again...
But my heart confides in you .
Only you...
When my heart opens ,
You will be there
with your anchor
Receiving me...
Loving me...
As I waited for awhile
to learn what home feels like .
Not in the icy box ,
But to be  in another heart full with warmth.

That is the moment I been waiting for.
To love you and only you.

Because I righteously deserve all of  you
And you righteously deserve all of me...

I thank you ...
For staying in this prolong battle...

I love you
with all the cracks
and bruises of my heart.
Soon I know I will be healed .

I love you my angel .

Wood smoke carries on the air
The time driven memory
Of ****** basics and soulful
Earthy humankind
Surrounding each personal cell and
Lifting the arm-stretching power
Of fire and the need to feel warmth
The technology of modern man
Is dashed on the rocks of time
As we drift with the stench of our youth
The well worn shoe and the eiderdown
The hot water bottle and the candle
Flickering and holding us with
A knowledge of comforts
And our understanding
We live within this world and feel
The circle of life that smells of
Log fires in the autumn and the sooty
Blackbird song of impending winter
The warble and the peaceful heart of
Everything we love as seasonal
Mists and dancing flames keep us
Wrapped in our primeval lives
Will autumn bring a kind or hard winter
No matter, we have coped with them all

By Max Hale

Little girl started feeling insecure at the age of twelve, certainly it wouldn't be the last.

At first the voices didn’t get to her, but eventually, the voices got to her enveloping her into an all too familiar embrace that she wanted to escape.

At the age of 13, it was a fresh new start, it was the start of freshmen year,  little girl was actually doing okay but she couldn't help but hear the voices at the back of her head, screaming at her, comparing her to numerous other girls she saw on instagram, on runways and on the hallways, how different in size and appearance she was compared to all of them.

At the age of 14, little girl thought everything was going to change unfortunately for her, it didn’t when insecurities came crashing down onto her like how reality crashes down unto you after reading a good book, when people did not only comment how big she was but they started being more specific about their implications.

Normally, she wouldn't have taken it seriously.
Scientifically, it was normal for her to grow on those areas because, news flash, it's part of adolescence, but for her, it was just another file to add into a file cabinet, she called life. A disorganized file cabinet, she was too exhausted to organize.

14-year-old girl started wearing 2 sports bras at once, not minding how she couldn't breathe, not minding how her lungs were gasping for relaxation and to be able to be comfortable enough to grasp oxygen, but she did not care with how the way her body was begging her to give it oxygen, her body did not deserve to breathe for being such a burden in her life.

14-year-old girl also learned how to skip meals, it was the year in which she learned how to lie about her being full because it would be embarrassing enough to say that she was hungry at 6:30 am in the morning when she basically devoured everything they had for dinner, to at least fill up the gaping hole of emptiness and unsatisfaction she feels when she looks at herself in the mirror and can't a single thing to like about herself.

14-year-old girl also learned how to act, act sick so no one would question her why she threw up all the food she devoured, when in reality she grasped onto her neck, so tightly, choking herself and made her release all the chewed up food they had for dinner, unfortunately it did not release all the insecurities and coped up feelings she kept inside of her, she punished herself because her body did not deserve that satisfaction, her body did not deserve being rewarded for being such a burden in her life.

14-year-old girl told herself to not eat.  Simple.
14-year-old girl told herself that guys wouldn't like her because of her insecurities.
14-year-old girl had to swallow every tear that was made when people made fat jokes at her. That was the only thing she was good at. Swallowing, devouring, being fat. Being such a ******* burden.

Little girl was always so immersed into her body, always investing time to punish herself because she was never what the norms were.

At the age of 15 little girl gave up on caring.

15-year-old girl realized she did not need people's validation on how she should look physically.

15-year-old girl realized that her body is a temple worthy of praise and worship, not insults and comments about how it should look.

15-year-old girl understood the concept of false advertisement.  

15-year-old girl realized that she is lovable, she is worth love and she does not need any guy to show her that, that the only love she needed was love towards herself.

You're not really a baby, no more than I am an adult at 20.
I'm struggling to find the words to tell you that I understand.
I have been where you are.
I went through those days and nights when it felt like the world was against me.
Oh the nights were worse than the days, nothing like the ticking of a clock to make you feel alone.
Growing up isn't easy, kids at school are cruel and dumb.
I coped the way you're coping too.
Turned my body into a canvas in which I only painted with red.
Hid behind hoodies and long sleeved shirts.
Told mom and dad white lies about my newly painted "artwork".
So I'm not just some concerned family member condescendingly saying that I understand, I actually do.
I have fought that battle, and some days I still do.
I've been stuck in that darkness, felt the need to open myself up to fight my demons.
But baby brother, opening yourself up, painting those canvases will only win battles, and only for so long.
It takes family to really win that war.

Why God?
Pray and believe and please don't stray or leave. Stand tall and I know that life isn't grand but it'll be worse if you fall. Build up the church, rebuild your soul and don't focus on the worldly merch. Stay pure and remember when you have Jesus your path will be clear and there will be no fear. Ha-ha what *******, I am sick of all this, I tried religion and it left me in a deeper pit. Does God exist? Yes but does God know I exist? Hmm… Let me meditate on that; ok still not getting anything; where is God when the devil be busting my head over and over with a bat?

On my knees but I’m still getting fees that be stinging my bank account like some devilish bees. Where are you? Do you care, why do you seem so far, I'm at my breaking point and I don't know what to do! Reading the bible, starting to wonder if I’m just reading a bunch of fables. ****** job, ****** relations with both sides of my family, and ****** finances man do you think this hit is funny? Robbed from a normal childhood, bullied everyday, so I coped with it by eating lots of food. My mother taught me about you, made me believe that you were faithful and true. But maybe your no better than Santa or the Easter Bunny, as unhinged as ***** Wonka and oh how I wonder how you can sit up there while the world gets more crummy.

I got an Ill mind like Hopsin, man whatever happened to that jolly green giant, that guy died an reincarnated into a goblin. Stop that talk man because the devil is playing with your head, and stop that morbid talk of wanting to be dead! I used to listen to the 116 clique, because I couldn't stand regular worship or hymns because I found them boring, broad, and basic. I remember listening to guys like Fresh I.E then one day it changed to guys like N.W.A, Wu Tang Clan, and Puff Daddy. Everyday I used to read my bible and I would drag my momma to the holy temple, but now when I'm at church I get taste in my mouth like I took some Fentanyl. Religion is filled with hypocrites and I used to be sold out for God until I got treated like ****. I used to be a unashamed believer and I told everyone about you, but now my once pure heart has been stained and people who claim they know you, really don't know **** about you! I never shoved my belief down no ones throats, and the ones that do will be placed with the other goats.

Believe what you want just don't be a ****! That's all I ask, and it really shouldn't be that hard of a task. Putting all my issues on the table, if only I could go back in time like Cable. Momma told me to not test the Lord, but I'm tired of being choked by the societal cord. Torn between the religious and the secular, and when I die will I gain forgiveness or will I face the demonic tormentor? I don't know I’m just lost and angry and all I need is a boost or push to attain fame and money. I don't sell out, I sell in, all I got told was to get out, so sorry but I have no choice but to dwell in sin!

embroiled snow of solitude, a meadow of coldness
where all the vivacious beings have died down
tearing down blizzards embellished decaying soil
with delicate fleecy fluff fallen down from the sky

collected trees with no leaf, coated with white fuzz
howbeit strong, keeping their thin stalks to an end
years by years, the trees fastened to each other closer
holding what is left, leaving what is now behind

they started to get weaker whenever getting too close
touching their haulm with another's haulm breaks them
and the tangled roots started to unravel themselves
with one another, they became really weak alone

in the end of the world where everything has been buried
only two trees have been left apart on a tiny ground
without holding each other's fangs, they lived together
happily, until each of them slowly progressed to vanish

I don't remember his face
I tried my hardest to block it out
In the black in the back of that delivery truck
I fought and I fought but I was but a mere girl
I was 12 years old
See No Child Left Behind Had come along
And everyone thought it was the best thing ever
But they didn't teach a course on how not to get *****
I didn't know
So I didn't share
I held it in and i coped the only way i knew how
Every single night I slid that blade across my skin
And the red would come
Unfailing
I couldn't count on my savior in the back of that truck
But the red
The red was unwavering
My poor poor Innocence
Lost and alone
I had no choice but to replace you with Pain
The pain that clouded my mind
And prevented me from reliving that moment when
My dear dear Innocence
Lost and afraid
I had no choice but to replace you with Liquid Courage
Nothing mattered when he was around
My sweet sweet Innocence
Gone eternally
I had no choice but to replace you with the same amount of destruction that made me loose you

Coping is just a solution
you do what you can not what you must
and there's nothing but higher purpose as must
no rules in the land of lust
it's a hard decision to know such
how to put it so I can understand?

Coping is finding a way
then finding you've gone astray
Coping is the key and the lock
Coping it's just the way heart works

But there's something higher,
you will find it like it or not.
The time I coped, I was living good,
on my own. Hands below my *******,
you on the phone.

Beautiful mistake!
Of the planned move - beware
But how to do it, when everything else
fails
when contraries meet

No rules for life, so you get lost some time.
You can trace yourself back. Get found,
so you can be lost again. Wonder, revel.

What I feel for you - something I can't describe
I want the bed with you - I always did want that
But I am afraid the demons are howling again
Using the word love as a threat
This is not love, won't be fooled this time
No big adventure without ditching something
I ditch you pain, I ditch you unhealthy attachment,
I ditch you love, because you tore down my guts

The world has opened its jaws
not to swallow me but to let me gently in
it's showing its teeth, saying "Girl, you can look,
enjoy this"
(Enjoy my sharpness, how I slice you open
but
A butterfly in every ****, an ecstasy
even when you're about to drown)
A gift from above - did I work for it?
The world is smiling at me
It always did, it always did
And the road might be bumpy
And awhile I might have to solve it
But I am on my road
towards
Somewhere better than where I come from.

A boy drags his feet along aged train tracks uncomfortably alone.
He wonders as he wanders if he'll ever find the deserved sanctuary he can call home.

A drone in a buzzing society, looking past all you see.
Nothing but a suitcase in hand, some would call him free.

But he's lost.  

No GPS or CVS will show him what he needs.
Wallowing in his own misery looking into the night sky with greed.
Is satisfaction, another happening that only comes in threes?
While the melancholy waves rush at him in one-hundred fifteens?

..116

He spots a leaf, only one on the tree, and immediately it falls.
He has a phone, on silence mode because he doesn't answer anymore calls.  
You see he's traveled many greens just to see that the other side wasn't better.
All this time he contemplates mistakes whether or not he should regret her.  
He won't forget her.  
Taken over his mind, surely he's let her.
He bets her life is much better than his own.
Sitting on the side of the crossroads he tried to express how he felt in stone

Unable to grasp any clear emotion, at last he grabs what he's held on to all this time.
This suitcase of his, an eternal abyss, of all that which he'd coped with through rhyme.
The baggage he claims, that have been the remains, of every action he's ever endured.
A riddle was placed on the lock to keep safe, until the time in which he knew he was sure.

"What pumps you up and slows you down, brings forth smiles, but also frowns?"

He thought about it for a minute and heard a coyote howl
Suddenly jumped up from fear, looked around and then let out a smile.  

He knew then, as the tempo to his beat decreased that it was his heart.
The suitcase burst open, and once he looked in,
Realized he was blessed from the start.  
Hard drives worth of memories led him to sin
But also the epiphany that home was always within, and not so far apart.

Feelings burst out and wrapped up his being like a blanket not meant for security.
Embracing reality and letting go of miscues he's intertwined with a glowing sense of purity.
Bloated on love he rises above, and flows on with the wind much like a free balloon.
Sincerity to himself and the world around him made the corners of his mouth curl up to the moon.

The future's unknown but now he'll always be home,
With his heart beating comfortably.
He misses them all, will soon return all phone calls,
Knowing he found where he's meant to be

she was the girl that everyone wanted
the reckless young rebel
who was a question mark to most
and an answer to others

she kept most things to herself
such as her secrets and her razor
for that's the way she coped
when everyone expects perfection
you have to be perfect

she was the one boys went after
but could never quite catch
her drinking was the infinity
and her smoking was a protest
she did not smoke to enjoy herself
but to die .

I'm watching Donnie Darko with the lights on
And I'm thinking about all my old friends
And how I've wasted all these years, but I coped with most of my fears, and you know: things seemed different then.

And if you fall apart, the bottom is a good place to start when you have to pick yourself back up again.
And if you're falling down, when you hit the ground, give it a kiss and realize this: you know, it's not too late to be the end.

And I fell in love with all the things that make me human. I forgave myself and everyone else too. And I stopped looking for the answers. They're still there, but they're different for me and you.

And if someone tells you no one cares, please know that that's not true.

His now withered hand hardly moved
and yet I still knew what he meant
but it hurt me so to see my Dad
once a man so powerfully strong
be brought down by a bad heart
and by arthritis so cruelly bent.

His last eleven years were all in pain
it was plain for all to see
he worked all through the second vile war
sometimes in long eighteen-hour shifts
but he died at only fifty-two
in front of my siblings and me.

I will never know how my Mum coped
there were six of us to raise
and though she struggled, oh how she struggled
she fed and clothed us by means
It was only much later as an adult
that I understood and looked back in praise.

©Joe Wilson – My beloved parents…2014

what's it like when all forget you?
how does it feel when the world just quits too?
they fell in line and left me stranded.
forsaking friendship to become branded.
society says, 'congrats. you're normal.'
to me? less kind. 'you're far too formal.'
slow change, it seems, can't hurt enough,
for friends must then forsake your trust.

dear sir, you're kind, i'll give you that,
but good sense spots my shameful acts.
so sadly i must now suspend
this bond you've known. now this portends...
we know through life you've suffered greatly
we also see that hurt known lately.
she broke your heart, we all know that.
just quit your tears. she won't come back.
assure you now, i surely must.
that karma shall prove to be just.

we don't quite care that you're left out.
deny, we will, without a doubt.
see? we're still here. semblance of care.
it's strange how you are not aware
for false support and apathy
are truly acts to help you see
that we've in no way cast away
the friend you still are, day by day.

it's in response i wish to tell
you cheats and fiends of wanton hell.

so now attend. you'll hear this voice
it's time i've left you all no choice.
before i'm gone you'll know the truth.
that you were far beyond uncouth.
your forged endeavors fooled me not.
i won't forget that you forgot
all that i've done for all of you.
but, foolish, still, i stand quite true.
despite this pain that you all caused,
it's not as though my throes just paused.
there, in my time of greatest need.
i meant it when i knelt to plead.
i'm strong enough to fend of much,
and this you know, and so, as such
why can't you see that when i tried
to reach for hands when mine were tied
that surely then, in dire straits
i was, for sure, no pride abates
in simple scenes where i could hold
my head aloft, and remain bold.
i needed you. i couldn't see.
my vengeful fear had blinded me.
my love for her had left a curse
i couldn't shake, dispell, disperse.
i doubt that you shall ever know
of hurt that could consume quite so.
a scalding burn that transcends each
of prior wounds; pain you shan't reach.
up to this point, since i was born
i've struggled, fought, withstood the storms
not as a bridge that needs support
but as the the ship that sees no port.
i waged war with the reckless sea
of life-dealt pain and misery
alone i dealt with constant bathos.
fears born of stable crushing loss.
she left me shattered, nothing less
a beaten, battered, ****** mess.
i felt that i should quit this game.
who was i fooling? death was tame
compared with such a crushing blow.
how could I cope? i didn't know.
for reasons still unknown to me
i held onto complacency
which is to say i've not a word
that fits to shape that form absurd.
a huddled mass of spiteful spleen.
how cruel to force my heart to wean.
i needed love to quell that force.
divert my torture. stem the source.
i thought that what i'd done to try
to be the friend that never lied.
that stayed beside you, resolute
would pay off now, here on this route.
that sounds much worse than i would like.
but friends are friends, and friends alike.
i love you all, and i just hoped
for you to help me as i coped.
it seems that asking this was wrong
as i was left to sing this song
to empty seats in empty rooms
true solo, this. my heart assumes.

Most of the people hate isolation
only a few taking it as blessing
and such is the one I'm talking about.

What if the familiar have shunned me,
he would say, the world is now mine,
to the strangers I bare my heart,
as they do to me, a complete stranger,
in the once and possibly the only meet
between people otherwise divided
exchanging thoughts and contacts
sure no call would ever follow
but happy in the chance encounter.

He thus meets a melange of people,
the man whose wife fled with her lover,
the woman whose husband deserted her
but she still wears red in his name,
the son abandoned in childhood
the old woman disowned by son.

He takes all their sadness into him
and feels his own greatly diminished
thankful that fate hasn't been as harsh
or how he would have coped with
the misfortunes that befelled those strangers.

He bows his head, for in the isolation,
he knew how it hurts to be deprived of
what was obviously legitimate.

You could have called it a blind date,
The manner in which we first met,
But one that was truly desired,
Not one made for some stupid bet.

A year has now passed since that day,
My life then so completely changed,
When my future was realigned,
And not just merely rearranged.

With the little sight I had left
I really liked what I first saw
But my social skills were lacking
And my emotions were red-raw.

She saw through my anxieties;
The pain I had coped with for years,
She seemed to sense the imprint left,
By many invisible tears.

Empathy was her strongest suit,
That was obvious right away,
Her bright sunny manner ensured,
We had an enjoyable day.

It’s strange how two can so quickly
Be bonded and then become one,
And all seeming as natural
As the rising of the dawn sun.

With the little sight I had left,
I really liked what I first saw,
And I knew the feeling was mutual,
When she nuzzled me with her nose
And then offered me - her paw …

How many were going to St Ives? 
Were the cats in sacks alive?
Who cares if every one arrived?
For the greatest riddle I derive
Is how on earth, do you surmise,
that poor man coped with seven wives?

I chose you for captain though you were off course
I saw you a hero, a knight on a horse

I dreamt of you sailing when I saw you’d no boat
I spoke of your valour, put you on a high note

I believed you were convinced though I knew you had doubt
I willed you a listener while hearing you shout

I put you up high even though you were low
I smiled and I laughed to cover your sorrow

I wished with all hope while you crawled and you groped
I submitted to faith while on logic you coped

I watched in helplessness as you slowly slid away
I heard my words echo when there was nothing more to say

I think that the scent of a blunt all over me will always remind me on those late nights and early mornings we spent on the rooftop of a building, you rolling a joint and we're smoking it up until our lungs gave up on us. It will remind me every time people hot box a room and it is filled up with smoke and in those smoke clouds I will forever see you lighting up that blunt and you give me that smile in your face and you offer me some. I might just be hallucinating with the fact that your face is still clear but everything in my surrounding is becoming a blur. Whenever I see a person about to light up with a spliff, my mind wanders off and looks for you even if you aren't there in the very moment. Pretty sure this has become your signature scent because no matter what I end up thinking about you. Some people may not be able to appreciate and cannot withstand of how it smells, but to me it means everything. Cause with the months of hanging out together I've learned to love it and I know whenever I am with you I breathe in the smell of happiness, because with you that is what I truly feel. With all the memories shared and made, I learned to have a liking for this scent and this is how I've also learned how to love you. I got to know that this is how you sometimes coped with problems, how you bonded with friends, and how you spent your free time. Hence to when I smell a blunt it reminds me of home and your sweet embrace, for you are my home and your arms is where I feel most safe. The hours between 1 am to 4 am have never felt so high and amazing and it is truly an amazing feeling. A connection I've never had with anyone before. I smile when I get to smell a blunt because the thought of you brings joy in my life and I hope that I'll never lose my home.

I wonder
What you saw when you looked at me

Drinking with the devil's thirst
Smoking the cowboys dirt
Laughing much too loud
Walking round the next day in my ex's stolen underwear
Bloodshot eyes and ready for another round

I was chaos and storms
I was weather worn
But inside I was holding me together
With the too loud music and too much fake smiles
I was something too behold

I wonder what you saw
When you looked at me

I was told you like to fix things
And to you I'd be the ultimate challenge with all my broken dreams
I told you to leave well enough alone
That I'm putting myself back together on my own
You heeded my warnings not

You looked at me as though I was all you saw
And into my heart and life you clawed
You spoke to me through my favourite songs
Made me feel like to you alone I belonged
You said you never felt this way and that I was your safe place

I wonder now
When I look at you

How hard it must've been
For you to pretend you're all in
How you must've hated every moment we touched
Though how well you did fake lust
I shudder to recall

How difficult for you to fake those looks
All your tricks,  you said you learned from books
Your romantic ramblings must've been so tiring
You made me feel like I was dying
How hard was it for you,  I wonder

You faked it all so convincingly
Everyone believed it,  even me
I thought I met my other half
While you thought you were smart
I hope someday I'll find it funny

For all your great intentions you forgot
About what happens at the end,   we both lost
You lost a friend,  I a lover
You quickly went back to your other
And I am back at the start

So your pretty words didn't fix me like you hoped
I was doing fine,  I would've coped
Just fine without your interference
Your intentions were careless
You broke another piece off me

I got elbowed in the stomach
At 9 o'clock tonight

I was working
And the woman
I was working for
Stole the wind
Right out of my lungs

And I bit my tongue

And I swallowed blood

Which tasted like
Rusted metal,
Salt water,

And acidic anger
Burning in my gums

I don't get paid enough
To feel like my ribs are breaking;
Trying so hard not to cry
I'm literally shaking

Well, ****,
I have no one to talk to

My best friend called
An hour later
To tell me all about
The party she's going to
With kaylee and alexa;
She's dressing as Crown Royal,
I don't know what that means
And I don't ******* care

She doesn't ask how I am
And I don't tell her
She doesn't really wanna know
And I don't really wanna say it

There's a distance

A fluctuation in her voice
That reaches a place
My ears can't get to

I don't hear her sometimes
When she talks about the things
She loves

And I don't know why

Why I'm so disconnected
From twenty-two

I'm not above it-
I like to think I'm not beneath it-
Maybe just floating somewhere
In the atmosphere that surrounds it

My boyfriend is much prettier
Than anything my hands have ever held
And his voice is softer than
The blanket I bought Kiernan
On her birthday,
The one she doesn't use...

He's really deep
When he's sleepy

He makes no judgement
When I'm angry

He isn't coping
With his condition
Lately

But I've never coped with mine
So who am I to mention

I guess I'm just feeling weak
I'm just feeling kinda hazy
I'm just feeling sorta empty

I'm just feeling

Feeling

A little bit
Too much

Feeling

Maybe
Just not enough

Emotional changed for the better
Physically changed rise to power
Felt and coped with dark emotions
Dealt with good but clutching onto them
It's easy to punish yourself feeling bad
A guilt consciences weighs you down
Focus on the greatness be better than the mistake
Change your ways encourage others
Hopefully they do the same
Be better than the ppl talking about you
Since they have done nothing but blame others
Own up to your flaws correcting yourself
Others try to use that against you but use it to be better
Rise from the darkness take care of yourself
Only you can provide all you seek
Not letting them get to you they infect your good with their bad
Once your immune don't let that toxin overcome
Give yourself credit for doing it others haven't started or tried
You'd feel bad but why should you care if they belittle your accomplishments they knock you
Encourage them but don't let them stop you or detour your mission
Goals are set meet them on your time not others
Dreams are how you see them not others
Live life to your standards not other
Be who you know you can be not
who others make you out to be

It was quiet strength that did you in.
Your belief that pain was simply the cost of life,
You had been crippled for so long
Leg straight and fused,
Tremors assaulting your once strong hands,
Still you coped.
You pushed through.
As if to laugh at the hand you had been dealt.
Like you were betting the house would go bust.
You fought.

You fought getting out of the your truck at the doctors office
You fought when they forced you into a sleep study
You fought when they ran a chest X-ray to rule out pneumonia
And when they said cancer
You fought

Who cares that they said Stage 4.
Cancer didn't know who it had picked its newest fight with
It didn't know your 25th wedding anniversary was two weeks away
So you fought
Because it wouldn't take this from you
You wouldn't let it,
Stubborn ******* you were.
You fought

You fought
Having purchased a card for the special day
Having it delivered by a friend
In tears she read and she knew
You had fought
And on that following day we sang you to Heaven
There was Power in the Blood
As you found Amazing Grace
And as your last breath escaped
Tooth then Lip.
I was reminded
You fought.

Write to get it out
Emotions not coped with
Dealt with no closure
More Unanswered questions
Don't lose it buried with time
Wasn't important at the moment
Too last to do anything now
Didn't care then why worry now
Can't change the past to fix the current
Shrinking ego lost courage
Time of day find the way
Real happiness truthful ppl
Past mentioned useless now