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cj Dec 2020
you don't need to blame yourself anymore.
you don't need to chastise yourself anymore.
you don't need to look at the mirror every night and constantly hurt yourself anymore.

because i know that the biggest bully you've always had was a friend who has stabbed you in the back
and you didn't know that it hurts until someone told you that you were bleeding.

the doctor said the injury was a minor one
but he wouldn't know that
because you never told him how the pain feels
neither do your friends
nor your family
because i know you had a habit of lying just to prevent another funeral.

and now, the waves are crashing near the seams.
the sounds they make, they manifest the sins from our gods
but you play deaf still
because you don't know what all of this means.
and so you kept this habit of silence for years
...and years
...and years
until finally you realize, the only person you can't confront was yourself.

i know you have a savior complex,
which is why you try to be everyone's friend;
but even the greatest of heroes still rest and sleep
until they get the soft comfort of a cramp casket

i need you to feel better
i need you to heal
i need you to change so i don't have to take care of you.

i need you to not be afraid of vomiting when you speak.
i need you to realize the only stomachache you should fear of is one from guilt.
because i know that it hurts every time in the night before school.

i see you every time i sleep;
tossing and turning yourself every time you see his face
and the many others that have taunted you.
so, i beg of you to take your medicine
as the world is full of chaos;
greed, lust, gluttony,
they roam the alleyways and streets you walk of
and they will get you when the time comes
when you befriend such fools like fear,

the waves will get bigger
and the wound won't close unless you change
but still, i know you won't listen
because i know you are always stubborn.

but i'll forgive you.
because i know you are still a child.
you didn't need to be scolded
you needed to be held,
to be loved and cared for.

i'll take care of you.

i'll be the cliff you run to when the tides come
and the cliff you jump off from when you want to risk it.

i'll be your medicine,
your soft bed,
your doctor,
and the one who will always accept you for who you are.

you're still confused as to why i'm saying this,
but trust me when i say,
"it'll make sense when you're older."

i love you.
cj Aug 2020
i wish i were cool
so authentic, not plastic
i wish i was dead.
tw: death
cj Aug 2020
what has love and smoke done to me?

i have had a packet or more
took a hit from a stick or two

the rhythm of ingesting
in, pause, feel, out
it always got me hooked
so fleeting; ephemeral
and yet blissful like kisses

with touches, murmurs,*
and a twinge of pain
the symphony got me cursing
got me craving
took another hit

the part of inhalation
already a smoke worth lingering on
feeling the smoke inside me
i don't want to let this go
but i had to breathe out
cuz it hurts
but i beg for more

you're the cigarette i longed for
a stick i never wanna let die
with you, i feel the rush
the nicotine high
and it lingers me for times, it hurts
missing you, craving you
i just want you more.

never will another one like you come in again
a smoke so delicious
so palatable to me
the flavor i wanna keep on my lips
and keep tasting on my fingers
tw: smoking, pain
cj Jul 2020
siguro nga tama ang mga nang-aatake sa atin.

"bakit ka matatakot,
terorista ka ba?"

bakit nga ba matatakot táyo kung hindi tayo terorista?

hindi naman, hindi ba?

táyo'y mga aktibista;
aktibista sa ating mga sariling pamamaraan.

táyo ang magpapabago sa takbo ng bayan,
sa bawat sistema nito,
sa bawat institusyon nito,
at sa bawat pagkakamali nito.

hindi lang din táyo mga aktibista
táyo ay mga rebolusyonaryo.

bakit nga ba táyo kailangan pang matakot?
cj Jun 2020
i have always heard of aristophanes' story of soulmates be retold a bunch of times. the story always starts with humans originally having 4 legs, 4 arms, and a head with two faces. fearing the power they hold, zeus split them into two; condemning them to spend their lives finding their other halves.

i have always found it funny and fascinating. but i can't help but to think if the story is flawed?

because who's to say that there's only one person for me my whole life? who's to say that it can't take the form of a lover?

it can take place in the form of a friend that checks up on you at random
it can take place in the form of a professor that helps you when you've been underperforming
it can take place in the form of a parent that has always had your back throughout your years.

but why stop there? who's to say it had to be a person?

it can take place in the form of a sunny day where the sky is as clear as the ocean
it can take place in the form of an object that has always brought you back to your comfort zone
it can even take place in the form of a stray cat that is very playful to you everytime you pass by them

but again, i beg the question. who's to say aristophanes wasn't right? because maybe i am wrong

maybe, all this time, i just never met the right person

because i never met someone
who was as calm as a bright, blue sky
as playful and cheerful like a feral cat
as warm and welcoming like a friend

till i met you.
inspired by a friend's piece during pride.
cj Apr 2020
pakakawalan ko ang bughaw na langit
para sa maulap na langit
na puno ng usok

mula sa sunog
ng bawat sulo
bawat nag-iinit na kamao
bawat ng alab ng puso

kung ang kahihitnatnan ito
ay kalayaan
cj Mar 2020
ang tali ko ngayon ay unti-unti nang napapatid
ngunit ako pa rin ay kumakapit
dahil alam kong maikli lamang ang buhay

kaya hahayaan ko na lang ang sarili ko
kung mahuhulog na ako muli

sapagkat gagawin ko ang lahat
makamit lamang ang pag-ibig na wagas.
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